10 months separated and one main question

[Mr. Lucky]

I've decided I'm going to stand for my marriage even a month after the divorce.

 

What exactly does this mean? If you're remaining in different cities, does this mean you'll stand by as she dates and starts a new relationship?

 

You're divorced, right ???

 

Mr. Lucky

[Sportsguy4]

What exactly does this mean? If you're remaining in different cities, does this mean you'll stand by as she dates and starts a new relationship?

 

You're divorced, right ???

 

Mr. Lucky

 

 

It means that over time I will continue to focus on improving myself to be a better man for the person I already married. Marriage is a lifetime commitment and yes I do realize she has broken that commitment. However, I trust that over time she will remember the importance of one man and one woman for life.

 

Like I said in my previous post, I know I sound crazy, but we both hurt each other a lot. Even though she has caused immense pain to me I also caused damage to her. I can't change her actions but I can change mine, and that starts by being loyal to my vows and waiting to have her heart mend and be drawn back to me.

 

 

Yes, we are currently divorced.

[bigman1]

Sports,

 

Please allow me to be brutally honest. I was a prosecutor for years. What you have just stated about "honoring my vows till death do us part" means that you are just a news story waiting to happen. Sorry. GET YOURSELF TO COUNSELING TODAY!!!!! TRUST ME.

 

There are no vows to honor now, you are divorced. Whatever vows that existed have been broken, discarded, and no longer apply. You are not being noble, valiant, romantic or anything positive. You are officially entering into stalker/unhealthy fixation mentality... the estranged husband who shows up and does terrible things when he sees his ex moving on...a news story. I have seen it too many times to count...up close.

 

The common trait that I saw in those years as a prosecutor and even doing defense work is this...the guy can't let go. The guy who has this romantic view that things will work out...That she will see the changes he's made and then all will be right...That he has earned a chance, if she's just take the time to look...The guy who is honoring his vows. The problem happens when the woman moves on to another relationship and then BOOM. Reality and irrationality clash with catastrophic results.

 

Let it go. Let her go. She has shown you where her head and heart are and it is not with you. I am telling you this for your own good and for her good. This does not end well for anyone if you continue on this quest. Please, please, please, get a counselor to help you move on and do it. PLEASE.

[Mr. Lucky]

It means that over time I will continue to focus on improving myself to be a better man for the person I already married. Marriage is a lifetime commitment and yes I do realize she has broken that commitment. However, I trust that over time she will remember the importance of one man and one woman for life.

 

Like I said in my previous post, I know I sound crazy, but we both hurt each other a lot. Even though she has caused immense pain to me I also caused damage to her. I can't change her actions but I can change mine, and that starts by being loyal to my vows and waiting to have her heart mend and be drawn back to me.

 

 

Yes, we are currently divorced.

 

But if you're divorced and not interacting, what means will she have of understanding "improvements" and "commitments"? And if she's in a new relationship, how would she find these changes motivating? Why would she care?

 

I share bigman1's concerns, you seem set in sacrificing your chance for future happiness and emotional health at the altar of lost causes...

 

Mr. Lucky

[KBarletta]

It means that over time I will continue to focus on improving myself to be a better man for the person I already married.

 

You need to be a better man for yourself, not for her or for anyone else. At the risk of piling on here, your refusal to let her go and move on is only going to hurt you in the long run. I wholeheartedly agree with the posters above that you need to focus on you and start building a new life. Your marriage is over and you need to think of it as such and start focusing on the rest of your life.

[Sportsguy4]

Sports,

 

Please allow me to be brutally honest. I was a prosecutor for years. What you have just stated about "honoring my vows till death do us part" means that you are just a news story waiting to happen. Sorry. GET YOURSELF TO COUNSELING TODAY!!!!! TRUST ME.

 

There are no vows to honor now, you are divorced. Whatever vows that existed have been broken, discarded, and no longer apply. You are not being noble, valiant, romantic or anything positive. You are officially entering into stalker/unhealthy fixation mentality... the estranged husband who shows up and does terrible things when he sees his ex moving on...a news story. I have seen it too many times to count...up close.

 

The common trait that I saw in those years as a prosecutor and even doing defense work is this...the guy can't let go. The guy who has this romantic view that things will work out...That she will see the changes he's made and then all will be right...That he has earned a chance, if she's just take the time to look...The guy who is honoring his vows. The problem happens when the woman moves on to another relationship and then BOOM. Reality and irrationality clash with catastrophic results.

 

Let it go. Let her go. She has shown you where her head and heart are and it is not with you. I am telling you this for your own good and for her good. This does not end well for anyone if you continue on this quest. Please, please, please, get a counselor to help you move on and do it. PLEASE.

 

 

Big,

 

I really appreciate the input and honestly I could see how in your line of work that would be a normal response to my situation.

 

I would totally disagree on being a stalker. If you've read all the other posts I'm not sure how you would even come to that conclusion?? I haven't talked to her in almost 5 months now, I leave her to herself. The last time I tried to reach out was a birthday card for her in April. So let's tone that down.

 

The other thing is I am letting go. I am working myself. I work a full-time job, I come home and I work out, I go out with friends, and I've even picked up golf as a new hobby. All I'm saying is that I'm not going to go out and date anybody. There is nothing wrong in believing that her heart and mind can change ON ITS OWN. Truthfully, that's how I'd want it to be. I don't want her to come back out of manipulation or begging, that's why I leave her to herself. I want her to come back because she comes to that conclusion by herself.

 

I'm willing to improve myself, enjoy life, and wait and see what happens in the future. If that means she comes back then GREAT! If she marries another person, then I took the time to improve myself and heal instead of rushing into a new relationship that I wasn't ready for.

 

I'm just leaving the door open to the possibility.

[Sportsguy4]

But if you're divorced and not interacting, what means will she have of understanding "improvements" and "commitments"? And if she's in a new relationship, how would she find these changes motivating? Why would she care?

 

I share bigman1's concerns, you seem set in sacrificing your chance for future happiness and emotional health at the altar of lost causes...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

You pose a great question, and the truth is I don't know how she'd come to that understanding. I guess I'm just hoping she does on her own.

 

As far as her dating, I'm not sure she is or isn't. I don't know anything going on in her life currently and actually I like it that way. Sounds crazy right? I want her back but I don't want to know what she's doing. I just want her to want it on her own.

 

I'm not sacrificing anything long term. I'm improving myself, enjoying other aspects of life, and leaving an opportunity of reconciliation open for some time. I have no problem meeting women, I've already turned down 3 since this whole process started. I just know who has my heart currently and I'm going to give it some time.

[Sportsguy4]

You need to be a better man for yourself, not for her or for anyone else. At the risk of piling on here, your refusal to let her go and move on is only going to hurt you in the long run. I wholeheartedly agree with the posters above that you need to focus on you and start building a new life. Your marriage is over and you need to think of it as such and start focusing on the rest of your life.

 

That's what I'm doing. I'm becoming who I want to be, not what she wants me to be.

 

Just leaving the door open, if it closes it closes, if a miracle happens then that'd be awesome.

 

I hope you're doing well man.

[happyman64]

Sportsguy

 

 

If I knew where you lived I would meet you and kick you in the balls.

 

 

Why?

 

 

To get the blood back up to your head so you start thinking clearly.

 

 

I honor marriage and commitment. But it is reserved for someone that honors marriage and commitment to me.

 

 

It is reserved for someone that respects me and my principles.

 

 

Your wife played you. Just the fact she abandoned you and the marriage every chance she could to be with her family showed you her "true" intentions.

 

 

When she said "if you love me you would drop everything (including your job) to be with me" shows just how immature and selfish she truly was.

 

 

The worst part is it shows her lack of respect for you. She walked out. She left you. She left the marriage. She did not respect you.

 

 

How very selfish.

 

 

I am married 24 years. I have known my wife for over 30 years. Her family is so tight I call them the "clan".

 

 

My family is tight as well.

 

 

But if my wife and I have a disagreement in our marriage or with our families we discuss it. We challenge each others views until "we" decide on the right course of action.

 

 

We don't leave. We don't shout "divorce".

 

 

So you can own up to a few issues in the divorce but I do not think you were the selfish one.

 

 

SO get out there. Go find a woman that loves you no matter what. That loves you more than their father and mother. That knows who and what her priorities are and that they match yours.

 

 

Go fall in love and shout it out on social media. Be successful and let the world knows just how "F'N" great your life turned out.

 

 

I hope your Ex watches and wonders if she might have made a mistake.

 

 

You'll never know. So stop improving yourself for her and start improving yourself for you and your next partner.

 

 

And for God's sake go be happy. You deserve after what that wench put you through. So stop torturing yourself before I find you...

 

 

HM

[KBarletta]

That's what I'm doing. I'm becoming who I want to be, not what she wants me to be.

 

Just leaving the door open, if it closes it closes, if a miracle happens then that'd be awesome.

 

I hope you're doing well man.

 

 

I hope you are well also, thanks.

 

And it is fine to leave a door open, to whoever or whatever might come through it. I just would not expect it to be her. If you have any expectations that it will, that's the part I think is unhealthy. But if you are truly open to whatever happens and you have no expectations and are actively moving on, then I wish you well.

[bigman1]

Big,

 

I really appreciate the input and honestly I could see how in your line of work that would be a normal response to my situation.

 

I would totally disagree on being a stalker. If you've read all the other posts I'm not sure how you would even come to that conclusion?? I haven't talked to her in almost 5 months now, I leave her to herself. The last time I tried to reach out was a birthday card for her in April. So let's tone that down.

 

The other thing is I am letting go. I am working myself. I work a full-time job, I come home and I work out, I go out with friends, and I've even picked up golf as a new hobby. All I'm saying is that I'm not going to go out and date anybody. There is nothing wrong in believing that her heart and mind can change ON ITS OWN. Truthfully, that's how I'd want it to be. I don't want her to come back out of manipulation or begging, that's why I leave her to herself. I want her to come back because she comes to that conclusion by herself.

 

I'm willing to improve myself, enjoy life, and wait and see what happens in the future. If that means she comes back then GREAT! If she marries another person, then I took the time to improve myself and heal instead of rushing into a new relationship that I wasn't ready for.

 

I'm just leaving the door open to the possibility.

 

Consider me toned down. Your points, as expressed above, sound far more reasonable and ordinary. I did read your prior posts and had no comment. I only chimed in when it stuck a discordant chord. After you have explained it, I retract my point that you are entering stalker/unhealthy fixation territory. You are not entering into that realm. False alarm.

 

Your'e just a guy dealing with why and how his marriage failed and hoping that things can sort themselves out after both sides do some needed work on themselves. I get it, makes sense. Good luck..

[anika99]

I'm late to this thread. I read your OP as well as the first couple of pages of replies where I saw a lot of posters telling you to stand your ground in regards to not relocating and telling you your wife needed to be the one to move to you since she was the one to leave. Since I haven't read the whole thread I don't know if anyone offered you any other perspective but I think if you had posted this on the marriage or infidelity board you would have received more varied replies.

 

It seems to me that your wife already left her home and family for you when she married you and her payoff for that is that you cheated on her and you did so very early into the marriage. It may be that she was too attached to her family and visited them too often but it was your job to communicate with her that you were unhappy and to make your expectations clear to her. Spending too much time visiting family is not an excuse to cheat. A lot of young women are slow to cut the apron strings.

 

I suspect that when your wife discovered your EA she felt very betrayed and very alone since she did not live near family. She had already moved away to be with you and you cheated and then you insist that she take that leap of faith again. Leave her life behind again to go be with the person who betrayed her and destroyed her trust. People say since she was the one to leave she should be the one to move back. I say she already came to you once and since you're the one who was unfaithful this time you need to be the one to move. Either go to her or accept that your marriage is over and move on. I don't blame her for wanting to stay where she is.

[anika99]

Also I've noticed you say a couple of times why should you move to her when there is no guarantee that she won't leave you again. Well why should she move back to you when there is no guarantee that you won't cheat again? Personally I'm astounded at how the posters on this thread have overlooked your infidelity and made your wife the bad guy. The over demanding unreasonable one. Maybe it's because your affair was not sexual but as a woman I can tell you that emotional infidelity can feel much more painful than sexual infidelity. It would hurt terribly to know my man had sex with another woman but it would cut me to the core to know that my man was giving his affection and emotion to another man. If it happened so early in my marriage and because I visit my family too often I would have grave concerns about his ability to ever be a loyal faithful partner.

 

I seem to be the lone voice here who understands why your wife left and why she expected you to be the one to move. Since you didn't she was correct to follow through with divorce. Maybe in your next relationship you will communicate instead of turning to another woman. Maybe you will love the next woman more than you love your current location. Since that is not the love you have for wife then it is probably for the best that the marriage ended.