I just got broken up with in a voice mail! We had "the talk" 3 days ago! WTF?!

[shamen]

Originally posted by faux

With such a blunt message as that, I do not see why you would have wanted him to phone you, or speak to you in person. It seems as though he would have told you how he felt and hung up the phone, or just have walked away when he finished talking. He did at least tell you how he felt.

 

This may have a good side to it; you can focus on what a buffoon he is as opposed to lapsing into any bit of depression. I think it is good that he told you bluntly, but I still agree his words were harsh.

 

Faux,

 

I wanted him to phone me for about an hour... After that I did not care to care from him ever again. I wrote him an email saying so: "Don't respond," I said. You're right, at least he said something. He's still a psycho-path, and I will not vary from this opinion unless I ever get any verse from him otherwise, which I do not expect to do. I hope that he rots in hell! He's the most callous individual that I have ever encountered; hope that he gets the same karma in life that he did to me for the next 30 years, a**h***...

 

Yes, I can focus on what an a$$ he was, yea. Whoop-ee. No more men anywhere near me for months to come. Making me more of a callous unfeeling bi*ch than I already was. Can you tell that I've had too much to drink???

[Ty]

I get a voice mail from him that says, "I can't see you anymore because I just don't like you very much."

 

That's awful.. I mean who does he think he is? Its like he just took a minute out of his busy schedule to drop you a voicemail and say hey I don't like you anymore.. ohh please. Maybe he's just a chicken sh$t and can't be a man and sit you down and tell you in person... Maybe he's just so egotistical he doesn't even care. Either way, what an ass..

[meanon]

I got your thread redirection, shamen

 

what the hell is wrong with me?......I know that there's nothing wrong with me.....I am not as in touch with my emotions as I probably should be

Your connection with your emotions is fine. You don't understand why he's treated you so horribly. Despite the fact that you know it's him who has the problem, it's made you feel bad about yourself. The feeling will pass quicker if you can find a way of making sense of it to yourself. Don't rely on him to do that, he's a w*nker. Find your own truth and then it will lose the power to hurt.

 

Here's what I think: People cope with the challenges of life in very different ways. Some seek to avoid anything that carries an emotional cost. They take the path of least resistance, protect their own egos either because of fragility or selfishness. The 3 day warning was designed to ease his guilt. If he didn't like you, he'd not have been seeing you in the first place. As you said, he'd have to be an excellent liar to have faked his enjoyment with you, why would he even bother? It's an unnecessarily harsh statement, as was the method of delivery. Why would he do that? You'll never know for sure but in all likelihood it was because he wanted no comeback - he simply wanted you to leave him alone. Had he talked to you about it, explained himself, it may have been distressing for him. You may have got upset, he would have felt guilt. He made you feel worthless to spare himself a scene.

 

No matter how it ends, it's always distressing when you think a relationship is going well and your partner ends it. Rejection always hurts, but as others have said, you're better off without someone like this in your life.

 

Trust is a big issue for you and I think this is the thing that will stay with you for longest. Why was that you were beginning to put your confidence in someone who proved so unworthy of it? I'm guessing here (apologies if it's not helpful):

 

No-one is infallible in their judgements, it may have been bad luck.

 

Maybe he is a great guy in many ways but has a serious personality flaw, one that means he (like you) can not bear to be vulnerable in certain situations.

 

You are just beginning to understand the reasons why you choose the men you do and the consequences of your choices, maybe you did not have this degree of insight when you chose him and missed/ignored the warning signs.

 

Finally, although you are rightly very upset about what he's done to you and the experience has reinforced some of the damage you have suffered in the past, I don't get the sense that you were emotionally very close to this man. It may just be that it's unexpressed or lost in the confusion and distress about what he's done. Maybe you never really did put your trust in him, or he in you, and the relationship was not one that is worth grieving a great deal over.

 

Your other thread shows that you have the potential for change through insight into your feelings and behaviour. You express emotion, rather than burying it. Don't apologise for that. It shows that you are dealing with your lot in life. The only thing that's harmful is your tendency to allow this to reinforce ways of thinking that have been damaging to you in the past (all men are a**h***s, there's something wrong with me, it's safer not to trust/have feelings). It's understandable, but you can't afford it. Maybe it would help you to stop doing it if you remind yourself that when you think that way, you're allowing him to hurt you more than he already has.

 

You're doing fine, shamen. Do have your hiatus with the girls, I doubt it will be a long one

[from ND]

You know, It was a month. big deal right, I mean it hurts just the same, but look at it this way, His Loss, better 1 month than 1 year or ONE decade, and the way he did it paints his dishonesty and lack of upfrontedness, end result, there would have ALWAYS been a trust issue, things happen for a reason, MY BET = he will be regretting it, and try to win u back , move on, Im a guy and I know, there will be better experiences for you out there, the way i view it, if he couldnt talk to you with a bit of maturity or honesty, then you are better off. Good Luck to you ok

[HoldOn]

Shamen,... So sorry for what happened to you. that's really f*cked up!

 

Anyway, I'm always interested in the psychology of guys, so I was wondering....

Did you initiate "the talk" or did he?

Did he ask you out in the first place? Or did you?

 

I think the obvious reason for the break up was that the talk scared him. so at least you found out this soon! Next time, perhaps take it more slowly before trying to commit to each other?

[from ND]

Anyway, I'm always interested in the psychology of guys, so I was wondering....

Did you initiate "the talk" or did he?

Did he ask you out in the first place? Or did you?

 

#Guys are just as confused as females when it comes to getting dumped

#Guys are afraid of expressing feelings because we think its streotypical to uphold some sort of "Tough" image

#A Guy will tell you more or be more open if they are not around their other guy friends, maybe this dude figured dumping her was cool

#Everyone would rather be the dumper than the dumpee, maybe this guy was afraid to get dumped 1st

#Guys are afraid of commitment unless they know the female is into them 100 percent, I guess thats the dating game, to find "the one",

#Relationships are complicated, AND require some basic elements, like trust, honesty, and effort, without these on EITHER part, a relationship is doomed to fail

#Guys, make the mistake of hearing a woman instead of listening to her, we think we can fix a problem, when most of the time women just want an ear to listen to what they have to say, thats for your "guy psychology" ha ha, good luck to you all

[HoldOn]

Well, I guess I was wondering if there were signs from the beginning that she liked him more than he liked her, you know?

[from ND]

Hold On.........would you read my post titled "what would you do??????????????????????, I need a female opinion on MY situation, thank you,

[shamen]

Originally posted by HoldOn

Anyway, I'm always interested in the psychology of guys, so I was wondering....

Did you initiate "the talk" or did he?

Did he ask you out in the first place? Or did you?

 

I think the obvious reason for the break up was that the talk scared him. so at least you found out this soon! Next time, perhaps take it more slowly before trying to commit to each other?

 

Thanks all, for the thoughts.

 

HoldOn,

 

He initiated the talk. Said that he wasn't sleeping with anyone else. I reiterated the same on my end. I'm sure that the talk that we had 3 days prior has a lot to do with the voice mail I received.

 

He asked me out.

 

So, it's all very confusing. I know that I'll be pissed for a while, but it'll pass... My counselor thinks that he may be narcissistic. Who cares really? I just know that he's a freak.

 

 

From ND,

 

He, for sure, had no real way of knowing how I felt about him. I'm very good about hiding my feelings... The most emotional thing that I told him is that I thought about him a lot, and that was because he asked me what I thought about him! That's it.

 

I seriously doubt that he'll be regretting his decision. And if he is, tough sh*t, because I won't be speaking to him again unless he groveled on his hands and knees crying for forgiveness... which isn't going to happen.

[shamen]

Originally posted by meanon

I got your thread redirection, shamen

 

Your connection with your emotions is fine. You don't understand why he's treated you so horribly. Despite the fact that you know it's him who has the problem, it's made you feel bad about yourself. The feeling will pass quicker if you can find a way of making sense of it to yourself. Don't rely on him to do that, he's a w*nker. Find your own truth and then it will lose the power to hurt.

 

Here's what I think: People cope with the challenges of life in very different ways. Some seek to avoid anything that carries an emotional cost. They take the path of least resistance, protect their own egos either because of fragility or selfishness. The 3 day warning was designed to ease his guilt. If he didn't like you, he'd not have been seeing you in the first place. As you said, he'd have to be an excellent liar to have faked his enjoyment with you, why would he even bother? It's an unnecessarily harsh statement, as was the method of delivery. Why would he do that? You'll never know for sure but in all likelihood it was because he wanted no comeback - he simply wanted you to leave him alone. Had he talked to you about it, explained himself, it may have been distressing for him. You may have got upset, he would have felt guilt. He made you feel worthless to spare himself a scene.

 

No matter how it ends, it's always distressing when you think a relationship is going well and your partner ends it. Rejection always hurts, but as others have said, you're better off without someone like this in your life.

 

Trust is a big issue for you and I think this is the thing that will stay with you for longest. Why was that you were beginning to put your confidence in someone who proved so unworthy of it? I'm guessing here (apologies if it's not helpful):

 

No-one is infallible in their judgements, it may have been bad luck.

 

Maybe he is a great guy in many ways but has a serious personality flaw, one that means he (like you) can not bear to be vulnerable in certain situations.

 

You are just beginning to understand the reasons why you choose the men you do and the consequences of your choices, maybe you did not have this degree of insight when you chose him and missed/ignored the warning signs.

 

Finally, although you are rightly very upset about what he's done to you and the experience has reinforced some of the damage you have suffered in the past, I don't get the sense that you were emotionally very close to this man. It may just be that it's unexpressed or lost in the confusion and distress about what he's done. Maybe you never really did put your trust in him, or he in you, and the relationship was not one that is worth grieving a great deal over.

 

Your other thread shows that you have the potential for change through insight into your feelings and behaviour. You express emotion, rather than burying it. Don't apologise for that. It shows that you are dealing with your lot in life. The only thing that's harmful is your tendency to allow this to reinforce ways of thinking that have been damaging to you in the past (all men are a**h***s, there's something wrong with me, it's safer not to trust/have feelings). It's understandable, but you can't afford it. Maybe it would help you to stop doing it if you remind yourself that when you think that way, you're allowing him to hurt you more than he already has.

 

You're doing fine, shamen. Do have your hiatus with the girls, I doubt it will be a long one

 

Hey Meanon,

 

Very insightful post. It's obvious that you have read my rape survivor thread... You've definitely connected the two threads.

 

This whole thing has made me feel bad about myself, regardless of the fact that I know that I'm not the one with the problem. You're right, I had not had all of these new insights into my choices in men before this relationship. Feel free to see my thread about, "Dating former porno stars and other such matters," to see where this relationship started in the first place!

 

I've thought a bunch about what he said, and now I'm fairly sure that he was lying about the fact that he didn't like me very much. Maybe he realized that he was bad for me and decided to spare me the pain of dating such an a$$, that he knows he is. Maybe he doesn't like the fact that I'm not into B&D or S&M anymore, which he has been into. I'm not sure how important this is to him now, but whatever. Maybe the fact that we talked about the fact that we weren't sleeping with other people freaked him out. I will never know. Maybe, indeed, he decided that he wasn't that excited about me in general, fine. He obviously doesn't know what liking someone or loving someone is...

 

It does bother me though, to an extent, that I didn't get to be a part of the conversation. I will have to find my own way to just put this to rest. The reinforcement of the no trusting thing was something that I just DID NOT need right now. That's the part that really pisses me off about the whole thing.

 

Did I feel for him? Yes. Did I trust him? Probably not. Was I thinking that this was going to be a long term relationship? I don't know. I really hadn't thought that far ahead. All I knew was that I was enjoying the time that I spent with him and I didn't feel the need to see anyone else. That was enough. For now. For then, whatever.

 

It's funny that you say that I'm good at expressing emotion rather than burying it... I don't feel that way. Most of the time the only emotion that I feel that I show well is anger. And joy with my friends. But, with a man who I have feelings for, things are all convoluted. I don't express myself well.

 

Another hiatus with the girls. That's OK. I'll be fine with my gfs. They've kept be sane for a long time and will help me to stay that way. When I put this all in perspective, I've been single for 8 months in the last 6 and a half years. I could probably use a little more time to heal from my last two exes before him anyway. The last guy (the guy that this thread is about) isn't even an ex; he's just a guy that I dated for a little while....

[meanon]

A guy you dated for a little while.......that's all he is. It's only the timing, coming as it does at a critical point in your counselling, that could make him more significant. That's much less likely to happen if you are aware of the negative thought patterns.

 

You do express emotion well. If you didn't, people could not relate to you as well as they clearly do. People would not have been able to empathise with you as they have in your threads. There would be no gfs to keep you sane.

 

You'll be able to find ways of expressing your feelings with men. You have the capacity, it's more a matter of overcoming the anger and facing the fear.

 

Do you know any angry people? I do. It often strikes me that the anger seems to get them stuck at specific points, unable to move on. It seeps out, the reaction gets generalised to other things/people, no longer is it confined to the initial bad experience. When people begin to accept their experiences, it softens to sadness and that's much less destructive. Already, the tone in which you talk about your latest insignificant other has changed, for example.

 

Overcoming fear is easy in theory, difficult in practice. You stay in control and set small manageable steps to test the boundaries and push them back a little at a time. When you survive the small risks, you feel able to take larger ones. You need to get down to the bottom line - the very specific triggers for your fears. That will take some time. Aversion therapy for the heart . I'll wish you good luck this time, since you told me in your other thread that you DID need it.

[moimeme]

There is nothing to feel bad about. We're all pieces in a jigsaw puzzle - some maybe look like they fit but they don't. He figured out first that you two didn't fit - you would have figured it out eventually. You both will continue looking and eventually find pieces that do fit.

[shamen]

Hey ladies,

 

Thanks for the posts. It's been the weirdest couple of weeks...

 

You're right, Meanon, in that this way of getting dumped is sort of coming at a critical point in my counseling. That's probably why I was so initially pissed.

 

Now, I'm looking back and seeing all these things about him that just kind of freaked me out, but I wasn't thinking about. So, like Moi said, the puzzle just didn't fit. He needs someone who's extremely kinky in bed and I am no longer into all that B&D/S&M stuff, so now at least I don't have to feel intimidated by the sex anymore, eh? Yea! It's more than just sexual issues though... little weird things that he said.

 

I was an extremely angry person for many years and pretty unapproachable to anyone who got freaked out by punks. I was very much one for a long time. My outward appearance scared a lot of people off. No longer though, I look pretty normal these days in comparison. And it wasn't just my physical appearance either, I was just pissed at the world then.

 

Thanks for the kind words about me being able to feel. I just doubt myself sometimes. I do have an incredible group of friends here. I'm very lucky to have the friend base that I do. They keep me busy! I was only seeing the insignificant other (he's going to keep that title! I love it!) a couple of days a week anyway because I am so busy with my social life. I'm also glad to have another outlet here for my emotions (there, I said it!).

 

So, it looks like I've got some goals for therapy, eh? Overcoming fear looks like a big one, eh? I'm still going to be on a hiatus for a while though. I think that it will be good for me.

 

 

Moi,

 

You're totally right, the pieces didn't fit even though it looked for a while like they did. I still wish that he hadn't been so callous in his way of ending it. He could of at least been a gentleman by talking to me on the phone; hell, I'm not picky. I didn't even need to see him face to face.