He wants to move to be with me -- too early?

[strawberrypancake]

Basically, I have been with my boyfriend for 3 months. He lives in a different country and has been planning to quit his job and move abroad for quite some time. When we started dating he felt like things were falling into place and he recently has voiced he wants to move here. We talked extensively about this and I told him I also am happy about the idea -- the other option would be to wait for another year, as I finish my studies in May 2016 and would be then able to start anew with him somewhere else. Both of us doubt though that we will be able to sustain a LDR for another year, as it is costly to visit each other and I am without income and at this point it's only him visiting me and paying for it.

 

He is quitting his job in April and plans to move here and we'd get a place together. As happy as I am about his enthusiasm to make this work, it scares me so much. Mainly this is because I wonder how he will perceive me while living with me. I am a full time student and really busy, I do many projects at once, my study is very demanding and I have barely any free time. In the last 3 months since our first date (which happened in his city), he has visited 4 times. He is annoyed that he is always the one visiting and I never come over. I told him it is because I don't get any free time, even when he is here I am studying like crazy. I enjoyed the Long Distance aspect of our relationship as it gave me a lot of freedom to pursue my goals, but I wonder how it would be if we life together. Sometimes I wonder if he realizes how busy I am and I am scared he will feel neglected if we live together, as I spend so much time working on stuff for university.

 

I know it's fairly early to move in together but I also feel it is the only way to figure out if we are truly meant to be (which I think we are), because long distance is so damn difficult, and I couldn't make it through another year of it, emotionally and financially.

 

Do you guys think it is crazy of us to want to move in together (after 6 months, basically), or do you think it's possible?

And how do i get over this fear of wondering if I will be enough for him when he's close, as I know how busy I am...

 

I am madly in love with him and I guess him wanting to move over here shows that he feels the same way about me...

[ExpatInItaly]

Yes, I think it's too soon. Way too soon. If he moves to your country, let him get a place by himself first. Get to really know each other. At the moment, the length of the relationship and the distance mean that you've spent very little time together in person. Going from essentially 0 to 100 in the span of six months generally isn't a good idea. You already have some concerns. Moving in together isn't going to fix this or supply the answers you want, especially when he's moving to a different country.

 

What country is he from, and where are you? Does he have a job already lined up? How does he intend to integrate himself into daily life there? Are there any language or cultural barriers that he'll need to navigate?

Edited March 2, 2015 by ExpatInItaly

[strawberrypancake]

Yes, I think it's too soon. Way too soon. If he moves to your country, let him get a place by himself first. Get to really know each other. At the moment, the length of the relationship and the distance mean that you've spent very little time together in person. Going from essentially 0 to 100 in the span of six months generally isn't a good idea. You already have some concerns. Moving in together isn't going to fix this or supply the answers you want, especially when he's moving to a different country.

 

What country is he from, and where are you? Does he have a job already lined up? How does he intend to integrate himself into daily life there? Are there any language or cultural barriers that he'll need to navigate?

 

 

He's a Brit from London, I'm a German living in Netherlands. He is searching for jobs already and hopes to have something by then. He also works freelance on the side and has savings if things should get tricky. But in his business it shouldn't be a problem to get a job. Of course he wants to integrate into daily life here. We'd be only living here for a year, after my studies are finished all options are open. There are no language barriers, we both speak English, and everyone speaks English here.

 

I should probably add we have known each other 8 years prior to starting dating. Funnily enough how we know each other is that we used to live in the same flatshare, but that was 8 years ago. He's no stranger to me. Just the romantic part is new.

[justwhoiam]

You've only been dating for three months and sharing an apartment might be aggravating. It sounds as if you don't devote much/any time taking care of the place, keeping things tidy, I don't know. It sounds as if all your time is devoted to studying.

 

I understand you want to put your all into your studies, and that's fine, because it's like your priority right now. You're one year from the final goal.

 

My thoughts here below:

- do you have a job while studying? How do you sustain yourself?

- many people try to have some balance between job/study and private life

- many people study, work and have a family to support too (you're lucky, you don't have that aggravation)

- are you getting any specialization (master)? Because nowadays it's hard to stand out without it, especially in Europe and with so much competition

 

I understand your fears, but juggling between family, school and work is not so uncommon. I myself have worked full-time, while attending a specialization course, with no domestic help at home (in a 8-room apartment) and a family to run, with a toddler. I guess you'll face these fears later on too. Chances are you'll have to deal with multi-tasking. It's a woman's job in many countries.

 

But the fact that he complained about being the one to always come to you is kind of a red flag to me. Don't underestimate that kind of signs early on in a relationship. Like someone who is counting pennies in your pockets or wants to split the bill to the last cent when you go out. I wouldn't like it.

[strawberrypancake]

You've only been dating for three months and sharing an apartment might be aggravating. It sounds as if you don't devote much/any time taking care of the place, keeping things tidy, I don't know. It sounds as if all your time is devoted to studying.

 

I understand you want to put your all into your studies, and that's fine, because it's like your priority right now. You're one year from the final goal.

 

My thoughts here below:

- do you have a job while studying? How do you sustain yourself?

- many people try to have some balance between job/study and private life

- many people study, work and have a family to support too (you're lucky, you don't have that aggravation)

- are you getting any specialization (master)? Because nowadays it's hard to stand out without it, especially in Europe and with so much competition

 

I understand your fears, but juggling between family, school and work is not so uncommon. I myself have worked full-time, while attending a specialization course, with no domestic help at home (in a 8-room apartment) and a family to run, with a toddler. I guess you'll face these fears later on too. Chances are you'll have to deal with multi-tasking. It's a woman's job in many countries.

 

But the fact that he complained about being the one to always come to you is kind of a red flag to me. Don't underestimate that kind of signs early on in a relationship. Like someone who is counting pennies in your pockets or wants to split the bill to the last cent when you go out. I wouldn't like it.

 

 

I agree, I was really concerned when he brought up the fact that he always comes to see me and I never go. Then I explained the situation to him and he understood that it is not feasible for me logistically at the moment. He then said that he thought I don't want to come see him for other reasons (thinking I am not as invested as he might be). This has been talked about now and we are on the same page (I see it as a plus that we get to have rational conversations about emotional subjects).

 

 

You wrote this:

It sounds as if you don't devote much/any time taking care of the place, keeping things tidy, I don't know. It sounds as if all your time is devoted to studying.

That's very untrue. I have a one-bedroom apartment now and a cat I take care of, and my apartment is always clean and tidy, the dishes are always done when I go to bed. I am very neat and OCD about cleaning, so this has never been an issue. I spend a lot of time at home studying so I want my environment to be welcoming.

 

To answer your questions:

1) Yes, i work part time as a nanny for a few bilingual families in the better area of the city. It pays for bills and food.

2) I am only finishing my Bachelors now and intend to start working afterwards whilst doing a Master on the side (must do so, as otherwise I wont be able to afford the Master anyway -- I study International Relations/Diplomacy, so the Masters are very expensive).

 

I think it is possible for me to sustain the relationship and the couple-living-lifestyle whilst studying, I just am a bit scared that he might not know what he signs up for. And I just don't want to disappoint him. I guess this is part of my very own insecurities, which don't have to do with him at all, but with expectations I have also of myself...

[rester]

Sometimes I wonder if he realizes how busy I am and I am scared he will feel neglected if we live together, as I spend so much time working on stuff for university.

 

This right here is a good reason for him to get his own place before moving in with you. You're going to feel pressure from him to spend more time with you, and he's going to be upset you are so busy and don't have enough time for him. This needs to be resolved outside of a live-in situation before taking the step to live together.

[strawberrypancake]

This right here is a good reason for him to get his own place before moving in with you. You're going to feel pressure from him to spend more time with you, and he's going to be upset you are so busy and don't have enough time for him. This needs to be resolved outside of a live-in situation before taking the step to live together.

 

I think if he gets his own place we will be at my or his place all the time anyway. We are crazy about each other and can't go an hour without talking to one another. I think if he had a job lined up I'd be less scared. I am just scared he wont find a job and will be at home all day (still, he works freelance as well, he works in film) but I think it would be best to get a job on the side as well, even if it is part time, so he'd meet people and build a circle of friends as well.

[ExpatInItaly]

He's a Brit from London, I'm a German living in Netherlands. He is searching for jobs already and hopes to have something by then. He also works freelance on the side and has savings if things should get tricky. But in his business it shouldn't be a problem to get a job. Of course he wants to integrate into daily life here. We'd be only living here for a year, after my studies are finished all options are open. There are no language barriers, we both speak English, and everyone speaks English here.

 

I should probably add we have known each other 8 years prior to starting dating. Funnily enough how we know each other is that we used to live in the same flatshare, but that was 8 years ago. He's no stranger to me. Just the romantic part is new.

 

That's great of course, only I didn't ask if, but how. Meaning, how do you envision him building his own social circle? I ask because you're already concerned he could get upset if you don't spend enough time with him. Hopefully he'll be proactive in making new friends and spending time on his own too.

 

It's positive that you already know each other. But living together as a romantic couple is an entirely different ballgame, especially when the relationship is so young. It's important to see how you are as a couple in the vicinity prior to co-habitating. Given the fact that he already gave you had time about not visiting and spending time studying when he obviously knows you're a student suggests there could be bumps.

 

Anyway, you have my two cents. You asked if it's too early, and based on your description, I still stand by my original take that is indeed too early. The best of luck to you both in any case.

[CarrieT]

I only had to read the first sentence:

 

3 months? Too soon.

 

Another country? Recipe for disaster...

 

Know someone IN REAL LIFE for at least 12 months before even *consider* living with them.

[rester]

I think if he gets his own place we will be at my or his place all the time anyway. We are crazy about each other and can't go an hour without talking to one another. I think if he had a job lined up I'd be less scared. I am just scared he wont find a job and will be at home all day (still, he works freelance as well, he works in film) but I think it would be best to get a job on the side as well, even if it is part time, so he'd meet people and build a circle of friends as well.

 

You've only known him for three months. Being crazy about someone doesn't mean it's a good idea to move in with them. Many of us on this forum have had relationships start out just as you describe, only to have them come crashing down hard after six months or even a year.

 

At the very least, discuss your fears with him. Tell him what you are afraid of. It's either going to lesson your fears or not, and you will have more information on which to base your decision. I stand by my opinion that it's not a good idea to move in with someone after only three months. Why the rush, anyway? Financial difficulties is never a good reason to move in with someone. If you lived near each other and find that you're spending all your time with each other anyway, you can then assess if you want to live with each other or not.

 

Just my opinion.

[strawberrypancake]

You've only known him for three months. Being crazy about someone doesn't mean it's a good idea to move in with them. Many of us on this forum have had relationships start out just as you describe, only to have them come crashing down hard after six months or even a year.

 

At the very least, discuss your fears with him. Tell him what you are afraid of. It's either going to lesson your fears or not, and you will have more information on which to base your decision. I stand by my opinion that it's not a good idea to move in with someone after only three months. Why the rush, anyway? Financial difficulties is never a good reason to move in with someone. If you lived near each other and find that you're spending all your time with each other anyway, you can then assess if you want to live with each other or not.

 

Just my opinion.

 

We have known each other for 8 years, and met as roommates far back. We have been friends until last November when we started dating and then things went really quick. We always liked each other but were never available to each other and I guess we finally managed to realize we should be together.

It's not that he is a stranger to me who I happen to fancy. I've wanted this to happen for a long time.

[strawberrypancake]

I only had to read the first sentence:

 

3 months? Too soon.

 

Another country? Recipe for disaster...

 

Know someone IN REAL LIFE for at least 12 months before even *consider* living with them.

 

I HAVE known him for 8 years and we met as roommates, were roomies for a few weeks initially when I had an extended stay in the UK.

Why is another country a recipe for disaster?

[rester]

I just read your other thread and it sounds like you are afraid to have an honest conversation with him about this, so you are trying to justify to yourself that it's a good idea for him to move in with you, just so you don't have to have that honest conversation with him. It sounds like he's pressuring you and you can't tell him how you truly feel about it.

 

I think you need to be honest with him about your fears and see how he reacts. He should understand this completely, and if he doesn't, it is more reason to not live together.

 

You two are still getting to know each other and to understand how each other deals with conflict. You need to learn how to resolve issues like this between yourselves and it's precisely why rushing into living with one another is a bad idea. There will be less pressure on your relationship with a little space between yourselves. Having him move to your city while keeping a separate residence is the middle ground you are seeking.

 

 

 

Hello there, first time poster here.

 

I have been in a LDR for 3 months now. He has visited me 3 times since we got together, usually for 2-4 days. We talk on Skype almost every night, text back and forth throughout the day... He makes me very happy.

After I got out of a rather bad relationship last Summer, I am really enjoying to have found someone who I click with and who cares about me.

 

However, I have a little bit of a doubt, and here is why:

 

Yesterday we had a party with my friends, drank a bit too much...

We went to bed, then he got up and started packing his things passive aggressively, I asked what was happening, he wasn't leaving til the morning, and he said "Well, you don't really want to be with me anyway, you are just with me to get over your ex! You know, I just really love you and I can't stand not being with you for so long, all the time!"

1.) I cried, I was hurt, that he would suggest something like me using him to get over my ex. I didn't think he would be jealous or insecure like that, and I don't know where this came from, as I really am very much into him and show him that as well.

2.) I was super overwhelmed by him saying "I love you" and I didn't think it would be said for the first time in such a context - I really disliked it. I also think it is way too early to say these words, and I am not ready to say it, although I do feel falling in love with him very much, and care for him deeply.

This morning then he apologised for his 'dramatic rant', he said he's never felt this way about anybody before and that he's really frustrated about the Long Distance aspect, that it brings out a really insecure, impatient and jealous side in him, which he usually hides, but when he had something to drink he just burst out with it.

 

Additionally, he recently started talking about moving here in April, and while I really really want to be in the same place as him, I feel a lot of pressure, especially with university being super stressful right now and me not really knowing where my head is most of the time... I enjoy the LDR aspect, as it gives me more time to focus on my studies, and also because (until last night/this morning), I felt super comfortable with the pace of our (still young) relationship... it's only been 3 months after all, and I do already feel VERY close to him, but always felt like the distance is a good buffer, to occasionally reflect and slow things down again when they start going to fast.

I admit in the past I often rushed into relationships, and because I like HIM so much, I really wanted to take things slow, do things right for once.

 

I feel really conflicted, first the talk about moving, now the "I Love you", and while the thought of being in the same place as him and knowing he loves me makes me super happy, hopeful and secure, I really am scared things might move too fast.

It seems as if he is really set on quitting his job to move here and be with me. It scares me so much. I don't know what to tell him and what to do. His insecure nature sort of puts pressure on me, as I am scared to tell him how I feel about these future plans, especially because I didn't say "I love you" back yet, I am afraid he will just feel like I don't want to be with him at all if I bring it up. I also worry that there won't be a future for us, because obviously I am OK with the LDR and he really wants to be in the same place ASAP -- (I am getting my degree May 2016 and wouldn't mind making plans for AFTER that with him, when we've been together for 1,5 years or so, but .. now? No way I can make such important future decisions 3 months into a relationship).

 

This is really hard on me. Can someone give some advice?

I don't want to lose him, but i don't know how to find a middle ground here..

[d0nnivain]

He can move where ever & when ever he wants. He should not move for you at this point. Going from an LDR to living together is always a bad idea. If he moves closer to you, date conventionally for a while & see how that goes.

[strawberrypancake]

He can move where ever & when ever he wants. He should not move for you at this point. Going from an LDR to living together is always a bad idea. If he moves closer to you, date conventionally for a while & see how that goes.

 

I like to think we are the exception. I like to think we have what it takes to make it work. We are so close already and I love him with all my heart and I know he is the man I will be with until the end of my days. I have never been more sure about anything. The only thing that scares me is the old-fashioned conventional way of thinking that LDR-->Move In is a bad idea. It really throws me off. But I feel this could work out the way we both want it to be.

 

He already quit his job and apartment. He will move here for what its worth. If we will live in the same place, is still up for debate. I am more comfortable with the idea every day. It's the social conventions that throw me off.

[Els]

If he had already planned to quit his job and travel abroad before this, and this idea came of his own volition, I see nothing wrong with him moving to your country if he really wants to. Go for it.

 

I would strongly suggest that you live separately first, though, as you have only been together for 3 months. Being friends before that doesn't really count for relationship milestones, because being in a R with someone can be very different from just being friends. Even if you two 'end up spending a lot of time together anyway', that is still very different from having both your names on the lease for the same apartment.

 

For the record, I have seen people succeed in going from LDR to moving in right away, but those people were together for much, much longer than just 3 months. Moving in together after 3 months is a bad idea period, long distance or no long distance.