hard to let go..cry for support

[anabel32]

I have been here few weeks ago to seek support, my affair ended although he wanted us to be friends (me too, at that time I thought). I thought it would be easy to be friends with him, as I didn’t want him to disappear from my life, but it is too hard to accept suddenly less communication and feeling that I am even less priority then ever before. He is super busy with work; he got promoted and is really pushing himself hard to do his best. On the top of it the whole family relies on him...

 

Anyway I was advised here that I should go NC- I guess I wasn’t ready at that time… please don’t judge me… I am trying to work with my feelings slowly through all that.

 

We work in the same building so after we decided to become just friend he hardly made up the time to see me for l quick catch up chat in the office. I tried my best to adjust to it, but it has been hard. We have been however using our own communication app to talk sometimes.

 

I went on holiday and he kept in email contact. He told me he would see me after I come back. The first day I was back in the office, he went away with his family to celebrate his anniversary…I didn’t even know that. The second day he said he had so much to catch up with work that he will try to see me quickly for a small chat, but could not promise. I agreed… I waited till the end of office hours and what happened instead- he left the office home in rush without even saying a word.

 

The next day I exploded, I told him it is not fair the way he treated me, that I prefer he doesn’t tell me he wants to see me at all as I am the one constantly waiting for him. He got angry as he said his work now is super important and I don’t understand it and I am not supportive. He told me that if it makes it easier for me and him- he won’t be able to see me at all for the next two weeks as he is super busy and doesn’t want to promise anything. I then decided to log off from chat and haven’t been online since, neither he I guess.

 

I was so angry, now after one week the emotions subsidised and I miss him. I am here to ask you to help me come out from it with some dignity and respect. I feel hurt, I feel angry but I miss him. Do I email him to talk about it all what happened? Do I send him an email explaining that it hasn’t been easy to be his friend, that I need time as I am still invested in this relationship more than him? Do I apologise for pushing him too hard the other day and overreacting? Or do I just leave it all alone… i guess i deep down know... but I appreciate your comments here and reasoning as it has always been a great support for me to make small but step forward each time.

Edited March 2, 2015 by anabel32

[Friskyone4u]

You are NOT going to get over this and be "just friends ". Without judging, you are in a dead end relationship that is going nowhere. He is not leaving his family. You know that.

You do not continue to give a drug addict drugs to get them clean. You either end the affair or you do not.

By remaining in contact you are only hurting yourself. This emotional baggage will make you in unable to establish a healthy relationship with any other man you may meet and an unsafe partner because you will start any new relationship with a secret OM that will turn physical in an instant

Affairs very rarely end with a blissful friendship. Of course your MM would love to keep you on the hook so you could be there to rekindle your sexual relationship if he wanted it.

You either get healthy with NC or your remain a mistress in waiting. Only you can make that decision . The best one for you is to keep NC , and do not have any more interaction of any kind. It is not going to be easy and you can't look for any quick fix or way to make it all just go away . That comes with the break up of infidelity. No way around it.

[neverdonethisbefore]

I'm in a similar situation to you except my mm doesn't want to be friends or anything.

 

All I can tell you is it hurts. It really does but you have to stay away from him. For your own sake.

 

There are lots of us hurting on here.

[snl]

Hello, first of all I am sorry to hear about your pain. This is your journey and different forum members might give you different advise but here goes mine:

 

Go full NC !!!! no exceptions and no look back. Don't try to look for closures etc as well. Close this relationship inside you and move on in life. This is very easy said than done (believe me, i failed several times) but you just simply deserve better.

 

Staying friends with an AP in my opinion is a big NO NO. Especially when the emotions are so deep still. Try to avoid him at all cost and in approx 30-60 days you should feel hopefully better. Find a hobby, keep busy with friends do lots of sports but stay away.

 

You should not be the one fighting for someone to give you time and love.

 

We all hope that our situation would have been different and they the MM/MW would leave their partner for the so-patient-so-undestanding-us but more than often this doesnt happen. I am not saying this is impossible and there are exceptions but my best advise for you is move on (truly move on) and if he has divorced one day and went also through the aftermath of the divorce he can still contact you - if you are free at that time... But to be honest the best advise I could give here is once you move on also not to go back to this person that put you in this suffering and wait mode to start with. Consider this as a chapter in your life and take the good learning out of this.

 

I know all of this might sound hard but anything else you do could in terms of staying in touch could cause you more pain and suffering.

 

Wishing you strength and all best, Keep us posted.

[Robahoy]

I'm afraid the NC route is the best and only option, however seemingly impossible. It is clear you are not only not a priority, but upsettingly that you don't feature at all. Of course, this is very difficult to accept. Without being able to talk it through, or communicate your hurt and anger in any way, you feel isolated and frustrated.

But you have to try to walk away from this now, because it will only make you feel worse if you don't. Being in the same workplace doesn't help one bit either and that's the first place to start. If changing jobs isn't an option, then working your day around avoiding him at all cost must be a priority.

Fill your life with other stuff, fill your mind with other stuff. When you find yourself thinking about him, shake him out of your head and replace those thoughts with something positive, anything but letting yourself feel bad about him - or feeling anything about him! With time you'll feel better and before too long you'll wonder why he featured in your life at all.

It's a tough journey, but there is only one way forward.

[anabel32]

Thanks you all, appreciate your input... I tried to break the cycle before but I was too weak, he was constantly coming back with his emails and communication and I was always super understanding and easy on him. This time I was angry, for the first time I got angry at him and I showed it to him. He also was boiling inside as for the first time I stood my ground and log off the chat we were both on.. This never happened before, even with arguments online I would always stay log in and always try to fix things between us and make it easier on him... I was always the one reaching out first and apologising.

This time I guess he might be waiting for it too, for my apology that I overreacted and that I wasn't supportive with his extra busy time at work. That I was simply selfish wanting to drag him out from his busy schedule..

 

Deep inside I feel this is the opportunity I have been waiting for... to finally move on. To close that door. There is the small seed of anger inside me, that I think is a possitive thing and I can start working with it. I am so scared though- I never departed relationships with stronger men then me before to fight for myself... especially when desire and attraction is still so strong.

Thank you for your support xx

[Dark Passenger]

The next day I exploded, I told him it is not fair the way he treated me, that I prefer he doesn’t tell me he wants to see me at all as I am the one constantly waiting for him. He got angry as he said his work now is super important and I don’t understand it and I am not supportive. He told me that if it makes it easier for me and him- he won’t be able to see me at all for the next two weeks as he is super busy and doesn’t want to promise anything. I then decided to log off from chat and haven’t been online since, neither he I guess.

 

I was so angry, now after one week the emotions subsidised and I miss him. I am here to ask you to help me come out from it with some dignity and respect. I feel hurt, I feel angry but I miss him. Do I email him to talk about it all what happened? Do I send him an email explaining that it hasn’t been easy to be his friend, that I need time as I am still invested in this relationship more than him? Do I apologise for pushing him too hard the other day and overreacting? Or do I just leave it all alone… i guess i deep down know... but I appreciate your comments here and reasoning as it has always been a great support for me to make small but step forward each time.

 

I don't like the way he treated you because you were angry and hurt. He didn't make you feel assured that you were still important and he understood why you would be angry. You shouldn't feel like you lost your dignity because of your emotions, and don't let anyone let you feel that way. It's normal given your situation.

 

He also appears to want to move on with his life. I don't think he is for you. Maybe an email to parts ways and gain some closure.

[jellybean89]

Leave him alone. The "let's be friends" is a line...said to not make you feel bad.

 

The affair is over. Done. He is focused on his job and his family. Leave him alone. You had no right to go off on him. You are trying to maintain an EA when he clearly told you the affair was over. Do you treat your girlfriends like this...wait and watch and then jump on them if they don't contact you daily?

 

It is over. Grieve it and heal. But leave him alone.

 

ETA.. You are making yourself appear desperate and needy. Further contact from you is only going to make that impression deeper.

[anabel32]

Thank you Jellybean and everyone else... I know I shouldn't have go at him as we are "just friends" and I should drop the expectations, but it is hard when feeling are involved. I know NC is the only way forward for me now.

 

He now didin't get in touch for almost two weeks, I think angry at me for loosing it with him the other day and as he said, he will be stormed with work. I felt good, I felt I gained some ground again. I felt like it is perfect time for me to start NC.. I sent him an email saying that it is hard for me to be his friend, that I am still emotionally invested and I need to move on. That being in touch only sets me back...That we just need to keep moving forward in our own directions and that I see that he has moved on now already and for me NC would be the only way I can make a step forward. I wished him well and I said goodbye.

 

He replied after few days... I didn't expect it! He said that he still cares but he is so busy with work that he cannot even find time to himself. That I took it a wrong way and he is still available for me, just that things are crazy at his end...

He was a bit appologetic in his email, I felt really bad and I replied... I so much felt NC would be the right way to go but I felt so weak in that moment and I replied again. I told him that I hope he can have some time to himself soon and that it looks like we are both blinded with our own agendas (me emotionally - him with his work etc) and it is hard to meet halfway. I wished him well and finished my email with " See you and take care Xx". Which I believe was the MOST STUPID last statement that I could make,. GOSH I WANT TO GO NC... why did I write " See you "???

I really feel NC would be the right way to go, but how to I fix the last statements? Does it sound like I am sending mixed signals? WHat shall I do so he knows my true intentions of the way how I want to move things forward and that we should depart ways?? Would another email sound reasonable or shall I just leave it at this point?? I just don't want him to think that I am keeping an open door, I want him to know that I am done...but my last email with "see you" at the end is not sending this message quite clearly... My worry is that he will get in touch with me next week... as nothing happened and I clearly would like to avoid that, but I guess with my statement " See you" I invited this myself.

I know now I sound pathetic...I hate myself for being so weak. I am just a wrack of a person I used to be, happy and confident... I have been gone for a while now, due to the affair. I booked some consuling for Monday, ready to start theraphy on my issues...

Edited March 7, 2015 by anabel32

[Mabelblue]

Anabel.. I think you may be reading too much into your 'See you' comment. Draw a line under it now and move on. I've often thought that I should have said this or I should have asked that regarding my D-Day phone conversation (3 weeks ago and NC since). But you know what, it doesn't matter now.

 

Please don't send him another email. I know it's hard to let go but you have to for your own self preservation. You've already spent too much time and emotional investment on this guy. You wouldn't let a friend treat you this way would you? Keep your chin up and walk away with dignity. You'll be proud of yourself for that. It's really tough I know.

[anabel32]

Anabel.. I think you may be reading too much into your 'See you' comment. Draw a line under it now and move on. I've often thought that I should have said this or I should have asked that regarding my D-Day phone conversation (3 weeks ago and NC since). But you know what, it doesn't matter now.

 

Please don't send him another email. I know it's hard to let go but you have to for your own self preservation. You've already spent too much time and emotional investment on this guy. You wouldn't let a friend treat you this way would you? Keep your chin up and walk away with dignity. You'll be proud of yourself for that. It's really tough I know.

 

Thank you Mabelblue... I know I am obsessing about the last word said, maybe because i lost some of my dignity already through all this, as I have been too weak to state how miserable the whole "friendship" made me feel and I carried on for two months after we broke up, agreeing for his terms and accomodating him all the time. In that all I lost the feeling of what I want or need myself to heal and move on. I finally felt the courage to write him goodbye email and I felt good afterwards, but his reply and my reply back with a line that just translate that I am myself available to see him again feels like a massive slip back.. But obviously I am not willing to carry on and I don't want that anymore. I am just so angry that in a rush of emotions I lost my perspective again....

I am just worried that he may get in touch with me as my last line was an "invite" really to further communication. That is what bugs me, that I don't want any further communication...

If he gets in touch next week (I have a feeling he might do)... do I just not reply and ignore or do I state my wishes more clearly this time?

Edited March 7, 2015 by anabel32

[privategal]

Close your email. Block your phone.

It's that easy. If you cut every path to contact then it's done.

Remember...he could be writing you right now...and calling.

He isn't because he just isn't into you.

The words are gutting to hear...they were the hardest for me to get.

Im making progress. I look older, more tired and feeble. I cried a million tears and wrote many times. I think I am moving forward because Im finally realizing he truly doesn't care.

If he ever wrote again it would be for an ego stroke.

Doesn't want to be with you but likes the attention.

It would be another set back.

How awesome would it be if he contacted his good and faithful girl and got his own reality check...your gone...his taken forgranted friend is now gone no more replies and no way to reach her. Thats the best revenge.

Do that for you.

[Mabelblue]

Read what privategal has said. I couldn't have put it better myself. Block every way he can contact you so you can move forwards. His actions speak louder than his words. You know that really don't you.

 

I've protected myself from any more contact by blocking and deleting everything and it's helped me moved forwards in my emotional recovery and to give my attention back to the people I've neglected over the 14 months my mind was elsewhere. He made a choice and now you need to make the choice to look forwards. Nothing good can come from any more contact, just anguish, overthinking things, second guessing and waiting around. Aren't you tired of that? You deserve better. I've had to do the same even though I miss our friendship (even tho I've come to realise none of my friends have ever treated me as badly as he did with hindsight) It's tough, don't get me wrong but everyday I'm getting stronger and I want that for you too. Feeling rejected is a painful but you can't get reassurance from him.. The hard work has to be done by yourself. Love yourself enough the let this vitriolic chapter of your life go.

[anabel32]

Thank you for the support... I couldn't stop overthinking it since yesterday when I emailed him back... I regret I got in touch, I had my last say and I just opened the lines again. Your replies made me feel more at peace, that NC and not engaging again is the right way to go forward. I feel like a 5 year old that cannot manage my emotions anymore... I wasn't like that before. It is crazy how affair and the fact we are settling down for much less and less...slowly but progressively is stripping our self esteem, our dignity and pieces of ourselves. What is then left is just a mirror of a person we used to be. I trully look forward to Monday, as I have my first session with a therapist and I guess it will put me on the right track to move forward and never look back.

 

You all here are amazing people... all with a different story that broke us in a way.. our hearts, our dignity... and we have some work to do to build it all up. But as there is a saying... where there is crack, a wound, this is where the light can actually enter you..

 

Wishing a peace and healing to all xx

Edited March 7, 2015 by anabel32

[Poppy47]

Hi Anabel,

 

To put it bluntly.... MM has dumped you and is trying to get rid of you.

 

He is treating you very badly indeed.

 

You WILL lose your dignity if you continue to pursue him in this manner. NC and cut him dead next time you see him. Do not even give him the time of day my Dear.

Poppy

[Majormisstep]

Anabel, let him go and embrace YOU! Love yourself because that is who deserves your care and compassion - you. Not this cake eating jerk. MM doesn't want this A (with you) anymore and clinging onto every word or action is getting in the way of you being FREE of him.

 

Wouldn't it be great to wake up in the morning and not wonder and worry if you'll hear from him that day? How liberating that would be!

 

Stick with the IC to find out why you don't put yourself on your priority list. Let him go....

[anabel32]

Anabel, let him go and embrace YOU! Love yourself because that is who deserves your care and compassion - you. Not this cake eating jerk. MM doesn't want this A (with you) anymore and clinging onto every word or action is getting in the way of you being FREE of him.

 

Wouldn't it be great to wake up in the morning and not wonder and worry if you'll hear from him that day? How liberating that would be!

 

Stick with the IC to find out why you don't put yourself on your priority list. Let him go....

 

Thank you Majormisstep, I think I am ready to move on finally... weekend away from office and spending it with my 4 year old made me forget about all this drama and confusion in my head. I stepped back and see how toxic this all is to me. The most scary thing for me is that he works in the same place, different department but the same building... He is very respected head of his department and a lot of people simply adore him. Everyone knew we were good friends so now it will all look a bit strange. I just hope that when dealing with business matters he will treat me as before with respect, although now "NC-ing" him, not sure what his reaction would be... He has strong Narcissistic traits, I am not psychologist to assess him but I have read a lot about it recently and a lot of things started to make sense in his behaviour. I just hope he will not try to take a revenge, after I injure his frigile ego with ignoring and blocking him all the way...