Mr. Goodguy Posted March 2, 2015 Share Posted March 2, 2015 I have been married for 22 years to a women since she was 18. We have had some ups and downs but marriage for the most part has been a success. We remarried in 2010 so that our boys could be a part of the ceremony. October 11th I found out that she had been cheating on me since June. Even though I found out about it and it stopped and I know it did I decided to try and make it work. Over the last 4 months there has been a lot of ups ans downs because of triggers. Me seeing something that would remind me of him and her. In the process of trying to get answers as to why this happened she became more down on herself and I am sure began to resent me. She also had an emotional attachment to this guy which obviously created more issues. Every day I get messages from her how she still love me, I am still the love of her life I am her king! This past Tuesday we got into a conversation about everything and she then tell me that she is not happy and she loves me but she is not in love with me anymore and wants to be on her own to be an individual. I am crushed beyond words. We are going to live in the house for a few more months until we figure out what the next step may be but this is going to be hard and the thought of her with another man is very hard. I need to know the best steps to get past this and still be the best person I can be for me and my sons. Link to post Share on other sites
LoveMyCat Posted March 2, 2015 Share Posted March 2, 2015 Most here will tell you that "I love you, but am not in love with you anymore" means she has another man...or wants one. I mean, to be honest, love changes over the course of any long relationship-but when those words come out, it is bad news for the relationship. She either still has feelings for the other man, or is still seeing him, or met someone else, in my opinion. You may or may not be able to find out for sure. Will she attend marriage counseling with you? Does she have, or respond to suggestions on how to improve your marriage? If not...she probably just wants out. She is feeling guilty, if she has been sending loving or caring messages. All you can really do is ask/try to convince her to go to counseling and try to reconnect, for both your sakes and for your children. But if she has decided...there is not much you can do. Good luck. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mr. Goodguy Posted March 2, 2015 Author Share Posted March 2, 2015 Thank you LoveCat. I know this is the situation even though she still refuses to admit it. I got message on my phone from someone yesterday basically taunting about the situation. She swears our children she doesn't know who it is. I know that she was not in contact with the original guy but if she actually had the nerve to get involved with someone else I really don't know this person anymore. I want to try and do what I can as hard as it may be to move on. I love its hurts on a level I have never experienced but I am being delusional if I continue. Not a person that deals with depression but I can see how people can get there. And to answer your question we are going to see a therapist tomorrow. It was something I suggested and she is willing to go but I think now it just about self preservation. She is trying not to look worse by saying she even refused counselling. I can see it in her eyes its over. So worst case this is something that may help me moving forward. Thank you again for taking time and your insight. Hope all is well on your end and please let me know if I can be of any assistance. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted March 2, 2015 Share Posted March 2, 2015 Get a good lawyer & a good therapist. Do not mix them up because lawyers give lousy mental help at twice the price. Move apart sooner rather than later because you can't even file in most states until you have been living separately for some period of time, usually 1 year. Ask the lawyer for the specifics about where you live. Find a support group for your kids so they can handle the divorce too. Assure them that they didn't cause the split & you both love them. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
chew123 Posted March 2, 2015 Share Posted March 2, 2015 Goodguy, Sorry you are going through this. Sounds like you are being very realistic about the situation. Get a lawyer, go to therapy and move on. Unfortunately if she is really gone there is not much you can do. there really does seem to be an epidemic of this going on lately with women leaving there husbands for affairs. I know quite a few unfortunately including myself who are in this situation. Is there a cheater handbook that ells them to string us along with the ILYBNILWY? The pattern they all seem to follow is eerily similar. Good luck and be a great father. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Chi townD Posted March 2, 2015 Share Posted March 2, 2015 Yeah, the "ILYBINILWY" speech tells me there's someone else in the picture. And the defining factor is that someone texts you with taunts about the situation and your WW claiming that she doesn't know who's doing it. How convenient that she told you that she wants out and you start getting taunting texts. I would do a reverse lookup of that number online and find out who it belongs to. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted March 2, 2015 Share Posted March 2, 2015 My only advice is two-fold: 1. Do not leave the custodial home your children are domiciled in. She doesn't love you anymore as a husband, she had an affair, she wants out so she leaves. You and the children stay put. No negotiating. 2. Pick one success each day and focus on that. Doesn't matter if it's a smile from playing catch with one of the kids or whatever. These things go one day at a time. It's easy to become overwhelmed so break it down into bite-sized stuff you can handle and feel positive about. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mr. Goodguy Posted March 2, 2015 Author Share Posted March 2, 2015 Geez you guys I feel so much better already. I know that I have a long road ahead but to hear everyone talk from a place of real experience makes me hopeful. I appreciate everyone on here that took time to make a suggestion on how to handle this. Thank you very much if you were closer I would give you all a big bear hug. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mr. Goodguy Posted March 3, 2015 Author Share Posted March 3, 2015 Well we went to the therapist today and my wife of 22 years said that she was done and wanted to move on without me. It hurt like hell but we left there went and had a drink talked held hands and cried. I even told her know she has to help me look for a girlfriend. And we laughed. This is going to be a challenge for me from a mental state I am going to try to rebuild myself and get more successful more healthy and more happy. Thank you again for your kind words Carhill Chew123 Chi TownD Donnivain LoveCat I am sure as I get into this next chapter I will have some other issues and I would appreciate your help. Not looking for anything at this time but is there some place on here or another site that is good for just private chat with someone to just talk? Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted March 3, 2015 Share Posted March 3, 2015 Infidelity and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder | AFFAIRCARE - if you are getting triggering, then you may have a form of PTSD that is common in BSs. Link to post Share on other sites
karnak Posted March 4, 2015 Share Posted March 4, 2015 Well we went to the therapist today and my wife of 22 years said that she was done and wanted to move on without me. This detail in particular seem to point that she already has a new guy in her life. No woman can move so fast unless she already has a new man to play with. Be prepared, friend. If she already has a new man (and it really seems so), as soon as she's free from her bonds with you (divorce) her emotions will get really cold, really quick regarding you. Even if you're the father of her children, the presence of a new love interest in her life will quickly make her feeling towards you disappear rapidly. I'm not saying this in order to hurt you or to be callous. It's just that is better to be prepared for the worst scenario. Right now you're regarding your future ex-wife as a friend. Probably the best friend in your entire life. Unfortunately, in a few months it's quite probable that your ex will become cold or even hostile when you try to remain in her life (even if just as a friend). Meaning that she'd just discard a friendship of more than 20 years for a new sex partner. Be strong and remain focused. You have kids. And they will be your main support in the times to come. They're probably quite grown now. Ask for their help in dealing with this situation. Young people always have a new and fresh look on things that us "old people" are sometimes too tired and sceptic to see. Peace and strength to you, friend. Link to post Share on other sites
coryreply Posted March 4, 2015 Share Posted March 4, 2015 I'm so sorry you're going through all of this, friend. You and your family are in my prayers today. Best of luck to you moving forward! Link to post Share on other sites
Cooper13 Posted March 5, 2015 Share Posted March 5, 2015 I am going through something of the same thing! My wife told me the same thing and found out the other guy was a scam and took her for a lot of money! We are still together but the trust is gone and had it been my money I would be gone! It was part of her inheritance and my response has been I joined a gym lost 50 pounds and joined a car club as I own a muscle car. I am paying my bills off and ready to move on as she is on-line talking to other men. I HAVE BEEN HONEST AND FAITHFUL FOR 24 YEARS AND THIS IS WHAT I GET? All I can say is move on work on yourself and get rid of her! She will do the same thing to him or better yet when they are together have an affair with her! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mr. Goodguy Posted March 9, 2016 Author Share Posted March 9, 2016 Hello Mr. Goodguy here, I am coming up on a 1 year anniversary since my ex moved out last year and what a difference a year makes. March 10th last year was the worst birthday I ever had in my life. So tomorrow be like a new world. I want to offer some help so I will cut to the chase. As of November 11th my divorce is final(7months). We decided that we were not going to ask of anything from each other so the only issue was figuring out visitation for my 14 year old son. I gave my house up and moved into an apartment with my sons. She sees my youngest 4 days a week for a few hours and 1 day for a few hours on the weekends. I wont lie at times it is still alot to process you feel like you have been living in one long nightmare, but its eventually and slowly goes away. Great quote" Never underestimate the inevitableness of gradualness" Now for anyone going through a divorce or the affair issue and the pain is intense and nothing makes sense I PROMISE PROMISE PROMISE you it will get better! Mr. Goodguy wouldnt lie to you.Time does make a huge difference if you use it correctly. How do you do that? As you are moving on don't focus on what you have lost realize that you are now open to a new world of possibilities and age does not matter. Focus on a new life that is bigger then you ever imagined. Do not put any limitations on yourself. And realize that its not the end of your life even though it may feel that way, its just the end of that part and be glad for the good things that came from it and look every day for the new good things that you can get from this new chapter. It is okay to hurt its ok to feel pain it ok to feel loss. I learned that its not ok to be as happy as I can every day and become a more powerful person every day. And if you are the person who was wronged or cheated on and left you have even more reason to get stronger every day and say just because my EX decided to live that way and others think its okay. I decide to rise above the BS and stand for something for my family and myself. You change your thinking every day and stand strong as you move through your process and you will be amazed at who comes out on the other side. "I aint what I want to be, I aint what I ought to be but I aint what I use to be". Anyone going through this and doing it the right way even with the pain I consider you all champions! Keep you head up. And thank you again people of Loveshack. Your help was priceless. (Sorry if I ranted on too long it was in my heart and I hope it can be uselful.) Last be not least be real with yourself. If they are saying its over be over. Don't do what I did following her around and driving by where she lives. Get real about what going on and dont look for sympathy in them. If they think whatever is over there is making them happy let them have it. Dont dilute yourself with a fantasy of what could happen. Its not easy it may be one of the hardest things you ever had to do but it can be done. You will be and happy again. Start figuring out how to have a great day right this minute! Link to post Share on other sites
chew123 Posted March 9, 2016 Share Posted March 9, 2016 Goodguy, Glad you stopped by for an update. Sounds like you are doing well. I don't post here much anymore but its nice to see a veteran come by and contribute. I am a little further down the road then you. It gets better and better as time goes by at least for the BS. Keep being a role model for your son, and moving forward with your life. Chew Link to post Share on other sites
LittleG Posted March 9, 2016 Share Posted March 9, 2016 Mr. Goodguy I just joined this site a couple days ago when I found out my wife had cheated. I knew there was something going on months ago. We have been going to therapy since but she kept the real truth from me even throughout therapy. And it seems she still has feelings for him even though they haven't been in contact. She is now begging for another chance. I'm don't know what I'm going to do. The past few days have been the worst of my life. I thought about the exact thing that you posted - does it get any better ? It was nice to read your update. Link to post Share on other sites
luck1978 Posted March 10, 2016 Share Posted March 10, 2016 Really good post Mr goodguy and good to hear your positive update- think we need more of those in here! I myself am about 6 months down the road and just want all you people going through similar to believe it does get better after time, and you can heal much quicker if you don't hang on to the idea that you will get back together. Mourn the loss then move on and force yourself to get back out there and discover yourself, it's amazing how good it can feel to eventually know you have come through this as a stronger person. Remember this guys, the number one requirement in any relationship should be that the other person wants to be in it as much as you do, if not cut your losses and move on before they hurt you anymore, have the self worth to know that you deserve far more than being treated like this. Another interesting thing I read is that if you think of a ladder of happiness, at the top of the ladder you'll have people in happy relationships, below them you'll have contented single people, then at the bottom you'll find people in unhappy relationships. You only live once, get off the bottom of the ladder and work your way up at your own pace. Link to post Share on other sites
VernonMcCoy Posted March 15, 2016 Share Posted March 15, 2016 You need to have a good lawyer and a person who is perfect in giving the suggestions. Divorce is not the small case or the matter, it is the part of the life, when life becomes hell. Link to post Share on other sites
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