Sister is so self absorbed and controlling...

[Apaige]

So my sister and I are one year and 20 days apart. We lost my mother two and a half years ago, I am the baby of the family. I thought that my sister was going to step in and play the role of my mother with me. One month before my mother's death I found out that my husband was cheating, one month later after my mother's death my then husband left me and the kids. I was devastated, she and my BIL stepped up and helped me get through it, but I was dust off, and pick up right away, or my sister would just beat me down...I know tough love, and she isn't a soft person, but I needed a soft person in my life at that time. I told her then, how I appreciated all of the help that she and BIL gave me, but sometimes, I just need a shoulder to cry on...she said, " It get's old, and sometimes people get tired of hearing it". Ugh, my heart sank to the pit of my stomach...Oh, how I wished I had my mother to get me through my divorce....

 

Fast forward until now...we each have children of our own, I work, don't have a husband that helps out (unless it's his scheduled court day with the children), and sometimes I need a break from running. Sometimes, my thoughts are scattered, and sometimes, I forget things (kind of like picture day the other day for school). We have always always supported the children and their sports, or school functions. I slipped up and missed a Bball game a few weeks back...I went to what I thought was the last game two weeks ago, and then last week I read a post on FB that my sister posted about what an awesome game my niece had (Thursday Night). I asked last night why she didn't tell me of the game, (given that we talked that day on the phone-actually, I called her to see if she wanted me to pick my niece up from school) and my sister proceeded to say, "well, she had three games last week, and if you wanted to know you should have asked"...Am I wrong in thinking that this is way off here? She did this to me before when a mutual acquaintance died. I called her and told her of his passing, and she said that she knew, and I said why didn't you tell me, and she said why didn't you ask. What the heck...Advise, feedback, and suggestions are greatly appreciated...

[anika99]

Your sister is only 1yr older than you and she lost her mother too. Who is going to step in and play the role of her mother? I get the sense that you expect your sister to be your caretaker and when she doesn't live up to that image you get angry at her. She sounds resentful of your neediness so she forgets to tell you things is a passive aggressive way. I'm sorry that you lost your mom and your marriage. That sounds very hard but it's not up to your sister to be your mom. She's been left motherless too and she hurts also.

[Zahara]

I'm sorry you lost your mother and your source of support.

 

You're a grown woman, a mother -- you need to be responsible for your own kids and your own life. Granted it would be nice to have family/your sister's support, and it seems she does at some level support you -- you need to reframe your expectations and accept knowing that what you need you cannot get versus getting resentful everytime she doesn't do what you feel she needs to do. Plus, you know she isn't a soft person, so stop expecting her to be someone she cannot be.

 

My girlfriend is a single mother of 3 kids. She has two jobs and she raises them all on her own. She has no family to help and she's always on the move. She has a huge calendar hanging in her kitchen with all the kid's activities -- and she has never missed a thing. Instead of depending on your sister or feeling bad that she's not helping you with reminders, find ways to organize your life and start focusing on those priorities.

 

Maybe your sister is feeling resentful that you depend on her or feel entitled that she has to mother you. Time to start being independent. I understand your world has been turned upside down but the only person you can depend on is yourself, most times others may just disappoint, even family.

[Apaige]

I'm sorry you lost your mother and your source of support.

 

You're a grown woman, a mother -- you need to be responsible for your own kids and your own life. Granted it would be nice to have family/your sister's support, and it seems she does at some level support you -- you need to reframe your expectations and accept knowing that what you need you cannot get versus getting resentful everytime she doesn't do what you feel she needs to do. Plus, you know she isn't a soft person, so stop expecting her to be someone she cannot be.

 

My girlfriend is a single mother of 3 kids. She has two jobs and she raises them all on her own. She has no family to help and she's always on the move. She has a huge calendar hanging in her kitchen with all the kid's activities -- and she has never missed a thing. Instead of depending on your sister or feeling bad that she's not helping you with reminders, find ways to organize your life and start focusing on those priorities.

 

Maybe your sister is feeling resentful that you depend on her or feel entitled that she has to mother you. Time to start being independent. I understand your world has been turned upside down but the only person you can depend on is yourself, most times others may just disappoint, even family.

 

The whole point was that it is her child's activity. All I asked for was a simple phone call as to when her children have games and such. It's not too much to ask....I don't think I should have to call her every single day to ask about scheduled games. If she would like me there she should let me know. As for the expectations; you're right!!! As I've said sometimes people need a shoulder to cry on too!!! And she doesn't always have to be so hard... Thank you both for your input!!

[Zahara]

The whole point was that it is her child's activity. All I asked for was a simple phone call as to when her children have games and such. It's not too much to ask....I don't think I should have to call her every single day to ask about scheduled games. If she would like me there she should let me know. As for the expectations; you're right!!! As I've said sometimes people need a shoulder to cry on too!!! And she doesn't always have to be so hard... Thank you both for your input!!

 

Ask her for the schedule, get a calendar and note down the activities that you are interested in going. Paste it on your note board in your kitchen. Or place reminders on your phone so you know when and where.

 

She's not required to tell you everytime there is a game. Maybe she wants you to make the effort on your own without having to tell you. It's not about whether she likes you there, do you want to be there? That only seems like you're appeasing her and you're doing her a favor by showing up. If you really want to be there, make an effort on your own.

 

We all want someone to cry on but unfortunately some of us don't have that luxury, trust me I am alone here too and would love to get a hug sometimes or someone to just help with my burdens. But you just have to deal and accept that some people are not going to show up and be what you want them to be.

Edited March 3, 2015 by Zahara

[CC12]

If she would like me there she should let me know.

 

Did she get upset with you for not being there? To me, it sounded like she didn't mind whether you went or not, and you were the one who got upset that she didn't tell you.

 

I thought that my sister was going to step in and play the role of my mother with me.

 

I think this is an unfair expectation. You said you were married before your mother died (my condolences) so I assume you were an adult with a life of your own at the time. As an older sibling, I don't think it would ever really even occur to me to step into a motherly role with my younger (adult) sibling. Even if they outright asked me to do that, I would probably have to decline and tell them that I'm not capable of being that for them. And I would probably get a bit annoyed/resentful if they tried to make me responsible for any aspect of their life, like it seems you're attempting to do with your sister.

 

You missing scheduled activities is no one else's fault. The previous poster gave you good suggestions for organizing your time and remembering dates. You can periodically ask your sister for updates, maybe at the start of every month/week, to see if anything has changed schedule-wise. Don't leave it up to her to volunteer this information because as you've learned, she won't do it.

 

Now, I do think it was kind of a ****ty move for your sister to be like, "Well, if you wanted to know that so-and-so had passed away, you should have asked." That's pretty ridiculous. But her "you should have asked" attitude seems reasonable in some of the other scenarios you wrote about.

 

And, hey, maybe she is being motherly toward you by pressuring you to be responsible for yourself. It's an important life skill, right? In any case, she's probably doing the best she can. Try not to be too mad at her.

[Apaige]

Did she get upset with you for not being there? To me, it sounded like she didn't mind whether you went or not, and you were the one who got upset that she didn't tell you.

 

 

 

I think this is an unfair expectation. You said you were married before your mother died (my condolences) so I assume you were an adult with a life of your own at the time. As an older sibling, I don't think it would ever really even occur to me to step into a motherly role with my younger (adult) sibling. Even if they outright asked me to do that, I would probably have to decline and tell them that I'm not capable of being that for them. And I would probably get a bit annoyed/resentful if they tried to make me responsible for any aspect of their life, like it seems you're attempting to do with your sister.

 

 

 

You missing scheduled activities is no one else's fault. The previous poster gave you good suggestions for organizing your time and remembering dates. You can periodically ask your sister for updates, maybe at the start of every month/week, to see if anything has changed schedule-wise. Don't leave it up to her to volunteer this information because as you've learned, she won't do it.

 

Now, I do think it was kind of a ****ty move for your sister to be like, "Well, if you wanted to know that so-and-so had passed away, you should have asked." That's pretty ridiculous. But her "you should have asked" attitude seems reasonable in some of the other scenarios you wrote about.

 

And, hey, maybe she is being motherly toward you by pressuring you to be responsible for yourself. It's an important life skill, right? In any case, she's probably doing the best she can. Try not to be too mad at her.

 

Yes, she always gets upset with me if I do not attend her children's stuff. She lays the guilt trip on rather thick actually. Snarky remarks are often made. But I do agree with all of you with the expectations...All of your words regarding this has been eye opening. And I now see your point. It was wrong of me to think that she should have stepped into my mother's role. She isn't my mother, so why would she? I just thought, she would be more caring, given the fact that I lost my husband and mother within a month a part. But it's okay. I have been plugging away, and learning how to live this new life of mine and my son's. Thank you all for your input.

[darkmoon]

you will never be a baby anymore, you are a grown woman

[Tayla]

Apaige, No words come to mind to add comfort to such a loss of a parent and a spouse.......They must have been loved much ....Keep their memory alive....

 

Your sister and You are working thru this in different ways, My younger sister was the same way....and I just could NOT comfort, it was beyond painful to see her sorrow or listen to her......It doubled the burden in my heart that was already broken/shattered. Your sister is human and is having to be parent/elder and many other things....Be gentle and things will come around.....You are stronger then you beleive.