Contemplating Resuming The Affair

[whichwayisup]

I guess one thing that seems to differ is people's thought that we were in an emotional affair. I don't consider our friendship an emotional affair. We were FRIENDS. We talked or texted occasionally. Nothing romantic. Nothing different from any other friend I have that I talked to and not long drawn out conversation.

 

But to his wife that doesn't matter. You being in his life is a threat to his marriage. When people have affairs and it ends, the AP and MM cannot be friends anymore. All it turns into is an emotional affair and it's damaging, hence the current problems in his marriage and him lying to her about you. This is very selfish of you, if you truly loved him, you'd leave him be so he can try to fix things at home.

 

And this is neither some ego game. Have i been there, yes. Is that what this is, no. Believe me I would have no problem admitting that if it was. It's not. In fact, because of this thread I'm no longer thinking the A is a solution. So discussing it here was very helpful. I just wish people wouldn't get the wrong idea and not confuse who I was with where I am now. Things aren't quite the same even though in flashes they may appear to be as I try to sort through things.

 

For your sake, I hope you're being honest with yourself.

[Sub]

If you don't consider your friendship to be just that, and not an EA, why do you feel guilty about the three occasions over the past year that you've been "intimate"?

[beach]

Your contact continued on some level - so this affair never ended.

 

Don't feel sorry for him - he gets what he wants.

 

Meanwhile you've waited ten years on him. Think of yourself in a better perspective.

[MissBee]

Skylar,

 

Have you ever talked to anyone professionally about this?

 

I'm wagering that if you do, there would be A LOT for them to unravel with you as they help you work through the many layers of things in this situation and how you think of yourself in it.

 

As for things being different and you're just friends...my honest reaction is to scoff and roll my eyes and ask if you've been sipping on something too strong:confused:. Look, OW and their still married exMM cannot be friends...and your case proves exactly why. NOBODY goes from 7 year affair to above board friendship with not even a hint of romance, hence you still fell back into "intimacy" with him because the friendship is not any different from other boundary crossing that led to the affair. This is plain to me and others.

 

Even outside of affairs most people cannot go from 7 year relationship to besties with their ex. They either grow apart and lead separate lives after or are friends after a genuine period of emotional detachment. But then too, most people who are truly over their ex aren't hung up on being friends necessarily and will put their new partner's feelings above the ex's desire to be friends. In your case MM fits NONE of the models for what a genuine friendship looks like: he is still lying, it is a secret friendship, you were not his honest ex but his OW and he is still with his wife. I mean skylar be real do you think ANY sane woman would agree that her husband should stay with her and be bestfriends with his OW??? ...I'll answer for you, NO! So any friendship will be a secret one much like the affair and a secret friendship will add to the fire quite insidiously (isn't that how A LOT of affairs start, as friendships, that get too close) and will create even more temptation for the affair to restart as you're creating your own secret friendship world and building an illicit intimacy, whereas normal friends are friends who the other spouse knows about, usually approves of and they often hang out with from time to time as well, don't need to talk daily, weren't your former AP and everything is above board. NONE of your friendship was above board...this isn't a hypothetical scenario of can it work or not, you have proven that MM and OW cannot just go on to be friends when he stays married or at least YOU and your MM cannot and have not been platonic, open, friends and likely NEVER can be.

 

Skylar, your logic reads to me like you genuinely have trouble understanding proper boundaries or even what are normal and abnormal reactions and expectations. I don't say this to be mean, but as others have pointed out, things which seem self evident to others don't seem that way to you. It reads much to me like the way women in abusive relationships process certain things, where they may sound very obtuse and naive but they have genuinely been eroded to a point of adapting logic which makes their situation okay, even though to those on the outside it is plainly a mess. But for them, they've come to create these explanations and rationales that work for them and the situation they are in. This is how this sounds to me. I do suggest strongly that it wouldn't hurt to go to IC and put your thoughts and feelings out there and get some feedback on them and the situation and just your own well being and self worth. At the end of the day I think MM and this A drama are simply symptoms of other things which have never been truly addressed and which you may not have even recognized were problems.

Edited March 3, 2015 by MissBee

[snl]

My best advise: Stay away and NC. This is going to likely end up in lots of pain and eventually suffering. You do deserve better. Let him divorce, have papers in his hands and then process the break up/divorce and then and only then he could approach you if you are still available. No friendship, no nothing. I know it sounds harsh but its just clean cut to avoid pain.Save yourself from potentially lots of pain.

[jellybean89]

skylar,

 

I also will give you credit - you write your truth. You don't flower it in "we couldn't help it" or the famous "it just happened" crap. You also don't call the affair a 'love story' or imply you and he are 'soul mates'.

 

I am glad you take the responses in a caring way - not as people ganging up on you. As you can see, people care about you. I think you have always been someone people want to help, and you seem to benefit from it. for this internal exam, I give you much credit.

 

You don't have any idea if he has been having an affair with someone else during the last couple years. You just don't. I do understand why you aren't championing for him to tell his wife about the affair. Again, you don't delude yourself by thinking you and he are meant to be. You recognize the situation as an affair.

 

Please keep working on you. PLEASE stop being his sex friend (or hook up friend). Stop devaluing yourself that way.

 

Like others have said, you don't get to decide when his wife should "let it go". You don't live in their home and while I don't expect you to have sympathy for her, you also have no reason to be so critical of her and her healing. Some women never get over it. its like grief, there is no set time for grieving and then you 'get over it'.

 

You have come so far, please keep working on you and don't answer his calls for booty. You are more than that. Believe that about yourself.

[lil_missy]

You have got to be kidding me right

 

Your angry towards his wife is completely outrages. She has absolute right to give him flack all of these years - he cheated on her without admitting plus he has kept in contact with you cheated again, on top of that there is a real possibility the affair could resume in full! If she is not bothered then she is a freakin idiot.

 

Your just angry for completely diff reasons other than the wife still constantly griping about the affair. I would still be paranoid about it too and would be rightly so.

 

And you would resume the full affair out of spite for his wife? This is the just most ridiculous thing ever. Do you have a life of your own at all to contend with?

Edited March 4, 2015 by lil_missy

[pheonixrisen]

I was wondering wth was I reading.

 

-So he has an affair there is a dday 3 years ago

-He continues contact ...2 years later you have sex again and are intimate 2 more times after this.

 

and you are contemplating starting the affair ..(so what exactly was the last 3 contacts about ...A prelude to the affair...to me you have already started it ..what exactly are you contemplating about ...

 

you cannot face the fact ...that you are just a selfish horrible person who feels entitled to have this affair but you don't want to take responsibility and blame your self for your own actions ...so

 

Let blame the wife ...bravo ...she deserves it coz she is not giving it a rest ...she gave him a hard time even after he dumpef you and went running back ...

 

why are you angry with her?...you are angry because after 3 years she still struggles with his betrayal and is lashing out at him in anger and hurt

 

Or

 

Or are you projecting what you are feeling .. you cannot believe what a horrible person you really are ...and how you can be a part of this dynamic to cause someone this much hurt ...you want to believe you are a good person coming to the rescue of a tortured husband ....so you need to make it right in your head it's not you who is horrible it's her ...For torturing him ...soo let me **** her h...because she deserves the hurt and pain for daring to lash out at him even after 3 years.

 

So she should she be on your time schedule to get over an affair ...why don't you and her h decide how much time she should have to get over the emotional trauma she suffered ...

 

People do not heal on other people time schedule ...its 3 years and you haven't moved on either...

 

Why have the affair...He is miserable ask him to move out tonight and have a real R...oh wait he did not do it the last time ..you are not sure he may leave this time either ..ask him to leave his wife and come with you ...or do you only like taken men.

[pheonixrisen]

And to add the wife was right on her money to lash out even after 3 years coz he was still having sex with you...

 

Get your self some help and leave the wife alone ..its not her fault that he chose her ...direct you anger at the right person your mm

[the_artist_1970]

I haven't been on this site in probably a year, and don't really know what I'm asking but here it goes.

 

I was with xMM for 7+ years. It ended 3yrs ago, but we remained friends talking or texting ocassionally. Last year we hooked up again and have two other times since then intimately, but not actually having sex. Last night (after our third hook up) I couldn't sleep and tossed and turned all night. I felt guilty afterwards the previously two times just because i had done that to his W again, but not to the extent that it bothered me this time. The difference is this time I felt bad for him not for her. He told me that he is still getting flack about dday and recently the snide comments have become more frequent and off the wall.

 

I find myself struggling with three things. The first is how awful I feel for him. I feel like it's my fault because I asked him to see me that night which caused dday, and now he is taking all the brunt of it and there's nothing I can do to help him. Second, I'm worried that this is some how the beginning of something worse. The things he has told me that she has said recently just seems, idk, different...angrier and more informed than she's previously been saying. For the first time, I'm genuinely and extremely worried that their marriage is in jeopardy and believe it or not, he's marriage ending is not something I want to see for him or for her. Third, and maybe contradictory, I'm starting to feel anger towards her for continuing to "harass" him even when nothing was going on between us for years. I know she has every right to be angry about the A and can understand her frustrations, as he refuses to talk about it or even admit it really, but after 3yrs I wish she would just give it a rest already. Since yesterday, I've been contemplating resuming the R full on although it's not something I truly feel I want or is best to do. In fact, I feel it would be extremely detrimental to me. I just feel like since she won't shut up then why not. I'm starting to feel like she somehow deserves it just because she won't put it to rest. And that he somehow deserves it (being able to have the A) because of the way she's been acting.

 

Although, I know it's wrong and all the consequences it will cause to everyone, I just can't shake the feeling. Maybe everything is just too new right now and I'm feeding off of emotions, but idk. I just feel so conflicted between my guilt and anger and can't understanding how or why I'm contemplating this over my obvious better judgement.

 

Wow! This post has narcissist written all over it. Resume the A? No. Please get into counseling ASAP.

[the_artist_1970]

I guess one thing that seems to differ is people's thought that we were in an emotional affair. I don't consider our friendship an emotional affair. We were FRIENDS. We talked or texted occasionally. Nothing romantic. Nothing different from any other friend I have that I talked to and not long drawn out conversation.

 

And this is neither some ego game. Have i been there, yes. Is that what this is, no. Believe me I would have no problem admitting that if it was. It's not. In fact, because of this thread I'm no longer thinking the A is a solution. So discussing it here was very helpful. I just wish people wouldn't get the wrong idea and not confuse who I was with where I am now. Things aren't quite the same even though in flashes they may appear to be as I try to sort through things.

 

So, did his W know that you two were "friends"? If not, it was a secret friendship that is hidden from his partner. Could you call your friend while he was with his W? I think working on your boundaries with MM would be a great start to living a more authentic and altruistic life. You would be surprised at how good you would feel about yourself if you were to become a true, honest person with character and integrity.

[Bittersweetie]

Skylar,

 

I'd like to echo other PPs who have suggested counseling. It seems like there's a logical part of you that sees what a mess this is, and probably agrees with many PPs. But another part of you has somehow made everything "fit" in your head. It's like you see everything, but are blind to all of it.

 

I felt this way too during my A to a certain extent. My brain would do all kinds of mental gymnastics to rationalize and justify my behavior, xOMs behavior, to make everything that was happening "okay." It took a bit for my head to clear enough to see what those gymnastics had done and unravel the consequences. I'm concerned that the continued contact didn't allow your head to clear enough to see what is actually in front of you.

 

Good luck to you,

BSW

[sandylee1]

OP

 

Sorry if this has all been sad, but I just had to get it off my chest. What business of yours is their marriage? Do you think your H betraying you is that easy to get over? Seriously. Off course she's going to bring it up again to him. Yes even three years later

 

It's not your concern and I would have thought you'd done enough damage to their marriage.

 

You believe everything he tells you about her. Why? You believe a known cheat who is was in an affair with you for 7 years. He's still with her, despite his allegations of how she treats him.

 

How do you think he'd be if he caught her in a 7 year affair? You think he'd have forgotten it and moved on just like that?

 

I'm sorry if this comes over as harsh, but you need a reality check. I know there may be a shortage of good men out there, but you needs to find your own man. Stay away from other women's husbands and find someone you can be seen with in public and have no guilt or shame about. I can't believe you accept that you were put on this earth to be a side piece.

 

Okay. I can breath now.

[skylarblue]

If I may address a few things:

 

As stated before, I am no longer thinking about nor do I want to resume the A with xMM. I understand people's notion that it has already began because of those 3 incidents (which I would like to reiterate that we did not sexual intercourse), but I honestly didn't think of it that way. The first two times my only thoughts were about how it was a huge mistake and not letting it happen again (obviously it did). I never seriously entertained the thought of starting the A again until the 3rd incident and it only entered my mind after he told me of some recent situations with her. I don't want to be in a R with him. I don't need excuses to begin a R with him. I could have had that at any time I wanted just by telling him I want us to be together again. Nor would I have exercised the option of coming here. If that was the case I would have just done what is typical of me to do (that which I am working to change) - I do what I want because I want to and I can. You don't need excuses and rationalization when you think that way. I try to give honest reasons and lots of times that rationale may be flawed, but I understand that it does not have to be accepted (it is the receiver that changes this to excuses and rationalization which is out of my control).

 

I've often been asked about seeking counseling. I know this may sound incredibly laughable, but I don't believe I need it (anymore than then the thought that society probably all could use some counseling). I think I'm pretty self-aware. Do I have touble understanding proper boundaries? I can concede to that. Do I have trouble understand normal and abnormal reactions? At times, but I'm quite capable of being shown the forest for the trees. Naturally, there will be times of having to agree to disagree, but I'm very open to step back and look at something objectivity and say "yeah, I was wrong". Also, I can already recognize the idea of something being illogical "to me" but not being illogical "for me" (if that makes any sense), and how and why that can be construed as a problem to some. I don't think any counselor could tell me something that I don't already know or be able to know me better than I know myself.

 

I would also like to concede to a few fallacies. The first is I was wrong in directing any kind of anger towards the W. Point blank. It's very insulting and self-centered of me to project how I think she should be reacting to a situation that I have no idea in reality of the personal impact she has endured in emotion or depth. I will try to keep this in perspective. Second, I realize and admit that our friendship was/is not normal. I had totally overlooked one very important aspect...the secrecy. I cannot recall ever having a friendship with either a single or attached person that a was secret. Yeah, that makes it quite different and completely changes my view. Thank you.

 

Also to clear up for anyone who may have the perception: I do not want her H. I do not want to be in a R with him. I am not bitter or upset that he is with her. There is no underlying reason for my contemplating the A other than what I stated. I don't want a R with anyone's H. I'm not hung up on acting out a competition with any W anymore. And the W's age was not something I sought as a factor. It just correlated with the age preference of men that I like.

[sandylee1]

You tilted this thread 'contemplating resuming the A'

 

How are we to make out from that, that you don't want to get back with MM? It's saying the opposite.

I'm glad you are now saying you don't want to go back there.

 

Just block him every which way and move on.

[jellybean89]

You tilted this thread 'contemplating resuming the A'

 

How are we to make out from that, that you don't want to get back with MM? It's saying the opposite.

I'm glad you are now saying you don't want to go back there.

 

Just block him every which way and move on.

 

Because she was discussing resuming the affair in her first post, but if you read the whole thread, she stated she did not want to resume the affair.

[Mal78]

I honestly believe you are in the "all for naught" stage. You invested a lot of time with your xMM. 10 years in total, however 7 years of a physical relationship going no where. I'm sure by telling the BW your intentions was the A to be over, you appoligized, took accountability and ownership. However, now to find out none of that matters because she is still badgering him after 3.... long... years... what the hell? We might as well still be having sex she is going to be pissed/a bitch either way!

 

You didn't tell his W out of guilt. You told because *you* were done and needed the accountability from somewhere and from what better person could you gain that from? I'm sure you tried to end it several times before. So why go back to that?

 

As far as the affair never ending? Does she know you still remained friends, talk/text/email or meet-up still? Does this "friendship" include her in any way? If you answered no then YES the A has never ended.

 

Sidenote: it's been 18... long... years for me. Some things you just never "get over".