Best friend is going back to cheating boyfriend

[Mx12345]

Some back story:

 

My best friend and I have known each other for 11 years. She is super book smart but lacks common sense. Right after college she married her high school sweetheart even though everyone tried to talk her out of it. She admitted she didn't think she loved him anymore but after 6 years together she thought marriage was the next step. Two years later she and him divorced.

 

In 2013 her and I were 26, she was divorced of about 2 years, and we decided to become roommates. We had lived together about 6 months when she met this guy. He was a bartender, smoked weed all the time, had two kids with two different women, and didn't own a car. He was a real winner. But my friend said she got along with him better than anyone she had ever met. He was nice enough to me I guess, when we did talk but was very standoffish. Three months into dating they got pregnant. She was excited because she had actually got pregnant with her ex husband and had a miscarriage, and she had always wanted a baby. He seemed excited too. Her and I still had 7 months on our lease and she promised to not leave me stuck in the lease. Four months later his lease ended and she asked if he could live with us (and split rent three ways) for the last three months. And then the two of them would move into a place of their own. I agreed because she said it would really help her out to have him there all the time and she was my best friend so I wanted to help anyway I could. It was difficult at first. He never spoke to me and was very standoffish. I told her I wasn't feeling comfortable in my own home and that wasn't fair. She talked to him and he got more talkative and less standoffish. At the end of our lease we went our separate ways. One month later she had the baby and I went to visit her in the hospital. One week after that my new apartment was robbed and vandalized. I was dealing with police, renters insurance, and my apartment complex because I was too afraid to stay in the apartment so I was sleeping on my sisters couch on the other side of town. I only visited my best friend and the baby once in the month after she was born because of all this.

 

The baby is now three months old. My best friend text me a few days ago that she logged on to her boyfriends Facebook and there are messages to over 25 girls, asking to hook up, saying they look good, sending pictures of his penis, everything. This has been going on their whole relationship. One girl he messages a week before the baby was born and they plan to meet to have sex and something happens and they can't. When they try to plan again he says just as long as it's before the 19th. The 19th was the day my friend was induced. Some of the girls ignore him, some just kinda engage with him but basically blow him off, and a couple others even tell him he has a pregnant girlfriend so why is he hitting on them. My friend is devastated. She calls him out and he begs, pleads, cries. Says he hasn't messaged a girl since the baby was born. Seeing her being born changed him. How he never actually slept with any of the girls, he just uses the conversations to masterbate. I went over that night and she cries to me all night. She said he didn't like me at first because he thought I didn't like him (wtf!!!! Are we not adults?) and then he didn't like me because I wasn't a good friend after the baby was born. I never came over or saw the baby and I seemed like I didn't care. My friend said she knew I was going through stuff with the robbery and how she didn't think I didn't care but he did. We talk about her options and how her parents were more than willing to let her and the baby live with them until she figured out what to do. I notice a few days later on Facebook that she puts she's back in a relationship and her and him are friends again. I text her and she basically says that she needs to do what's right for her family and how he hasn't messaged a girl since the baby was born and how he's promised he's gonna change. I'm shocked! How can she be so stupid? I'm torn because she's been my best friend for 11 years and I love her and the baby. But this guy is a piece of ****! And on top of that he doesn't like me for no reason! I let him live in my apartment when I didn't have to! It's to the point where I want to be friends with her and see the baby but I want nothing to do with him. I'm so upset that she's going back to him. What should I do? I don't want to be a bad friend but I don't think I can be in the same room with this guy.

[Frank2thepoint]

She is super book smart but lacks common sense.

 

In your own words, this summarizes your friend. You know her very well so you shouldn't expect anything else from her. In her mind she is doing something right, even though to you it is stupid. Don't waste your time judging her or trying to convince her to take another course. Just be her friend, support her however you can (except don't lend her any money or allow her to live with you). In fact, the next time she comes crying to you about the guy or another guy, just console her. There's no point in offering any advice because for 11 years she hasn't listened to you about big decisions.

[BlackHat]

None of my business, so don't answer if you don't feel like it, but the way you write makes me wonder...are/were you in love with her?

[Mx12345]

Are you even serious? She's been my best friend for 11 years so yes I love her as a person. I want the best for her and her new daughter. Am I in love with her, no. And I don't think my post conveys any sort of romantic intentions/relationship. It conveys someone who is frustrated with her friend for not leaving the man who is hurting her and disrespecting her.

 

If there is any other constructive and helpful advice it is appreciated.

[preraph]

It's really hard to see your best friends stay with dirtbags. I finally lost mine to one of them. He was super jealous of me and got drunk as a skunk anytime she and I saw each other (which was rare as by then I lived out of state). She had kids with him and because of the kids AND him, I pretty much lost her right then. But when she stopped all contact was when she divorced him. I knew her parents and was worried about her and finally wrote them and they said maybe she was embarrassed about the divorce. Which is crazy. I wouldn't have said "I told you so," but I certainly would have said "Good."

 

I hope she's not staying together for the kid because studies show that children in an environment where there's fighting going on are more adversely affected than children of divorce. I can vouch for that personally. If you are going to say anything at all to her about this, I think that is the one thing I'd say. And I'd couch it in the context of, Well, give it a try, but remember if you start fighting, studies show divorce is better for them than being raised around fighting.

 

I don't advise trying to talk her out of it. If she comes to you after the first big thing he does, you might tell her, I wish you'd asked my opinion before you had a kid with him and reunited. He'll probably never be able to support all his children, and she'll end up carrying the load, because at 26, who makes enough money to support a wife and a kid, much less 3 kids and a wife? So yes, she's been foolish and she chose to have a kid with the wrongest possible man, a man already with obigations he can't meet. But she has to learn her own life lessons. Just a shame a kid has to pay for her choices.

[applej4]

If you're looking for some magic words to make her do what YOU want her to do and what YOU think is best, you're not going to get it here. You are not in charge of her life, you do not make decisions for her or her child. Mind your own business, this is not your issue.

[Mx12345]

I love how people throw around the "mind your own business" phrase especially when SHE called me crying and I sat with her and the baby as she cried for six hours straight. I'm not telling her what to do. I'm asking for advice on what am *I* supposed to do as a friend. i want to see her and the baby but he doesn't like me and now I know this for fact. I also think he's a worthless piece of crap. Am I supposed to forget he sent dick pictures to other girls the entire time she was pregnant? Am I supposed to just act like it never happened when I go to see her and the baby? Am I a bad friend for wanting to distance myself from the whole situation? Those are the things im asking for advice on.

 

Like a previous poster said it's very difficult standing by and watching your friends stay with dirtbags.

[preraph]

I just think sometimes something hits a little too close to home. You know, we all sometimes hate ourselves for mistakes we've made and it hurts to be reminded of them, even when it's about another person.

[applej4]

I love how people throw around the "mind your own business" phrase especially when SHE called me crying and I sat with her and the baby as she cried for six hours straight. I'm not telling her what to do. I'm asking for advice on what am *I* supposed to do as a friend. i want to see her and the baby but he doesn't like me and now I know this for fact. I also think he's a worthless piece of crap. Am I supposed to forget he sent dick pictures to other girls the entire time she was pregnant? Am I supposed to just act like it never happened when I go to see her and the baby? Am I a bad friend for wanting to distance myself from the whole situation? Those are the things im asking for advice on.

 

Like a previous poster said it's very difficult standing by and watching your friends stay with dirtbags.

 

You love it? Really? No, what you love is coming here asking for advice then getting huffy when it’s not what you want to hear. You are way too involved in this couple’s life. It doesn't matter what you think of him. You have time to listen to her crying for six hours? What a life. If you want to help tell her to get some professional counseling, but you cannot make her or him do ANYTHING. So he send pics of his dick – that’s not your concern. While you’re doing all this listening how is the rest of your own life going? (such as it is) She chose him, she made her bed, she will have to lie in it. She has six hours to whine about her own choices? What a life. Frankly she sounds like an emotional vampire and drama queen who wants to wallow in her own misery and doesn’t want to do a thing to help herself. I won’t bother telling you again to mind your own business because clearly you’re enjoying minding someone elses.

Edited March 3, 2015 by applej4

[Mx12345]

A forum like this purpose is for an original poster to ask a question/ pose a problem then get constructive feedback. This being the Internet you will get an occasional poster who adds nothing to the discussion. I gave backstory to the kind of person my friend is, her current situation, how she reached out to me devastated, and how I don't agree with her choice. My original and subsequent posts ask how can I continue to be her friend and be there for her baby (who I care deeply for) when her boyfriend has stated he doesn't like me, and now due to his actions, I do not care for him either.

 

Great pieces of advice have been given to me stating things like just be there for her but do not help her with money, whatnot. And also for me to not try to talk her out of staying (which I never did.)

 

Your advice "mind your business" is counter productive.

 

I'm not asking for advice on how to get her to change her mind. I was asking for advice on how, as a friend, I should deal with having to interact with him when trying to visit her and the baby. Thus I asked if I was being a bad friend by distancing myself from the situation completely.

 

You judge me because I spent six hours comforting her? Or because she spent six hours crying that the man she loves is cheating on her? I feel sorry for anyone who considers you a friend.

 

I received plenty of great advice from other posters and I will not be checking this thread again.

[anika99]

Hey Mx, you sound like a good and caring friend to me. I understand that you are concerned about your bf and wish she was making better choices. However people have to come to their own decisions in their own time. There is nothing you can do to make your friend listen to reason. Her bf sounds like he has been cheating on her and he will cheat again. The best thing you can do for her is just be there when the inevitable happens. After she has suffered through this enough times she will come around and face reality.

 

 

In the meantime can you not limit your visits to times when her bf is not at home. Or maybe go out to lunch or something?

[dreamingoftigers]

I do hope that you check back OP.

 

 

I would like an update on you and your friend.

 

 

I was in a very similar situation 6 years ago as your friend.

 

 

It was absolutely devastating.

 

 

Granted, my husband did not have the same warning signs as your friend's boyfriend. And we had been together for four years, married 3 before I discovered his infidelities. I discovered them when I was eight months pregnant.

 

 

It absolutely shattered the relationship, but I still spent *years* trying to repair it as my husband self-destructed worse and worse.

 

 

There's something about having just had, or about to just have a baby that cemented me right in place with him.

 

Had my daughter been older, or my pregnancy been newer or non-existent, I KNOW that I would have walked and walked away happily.

 

 

It made it a challenge to even bond with my daughter.

 

 

OP, please do everything you can to not lose your friend. She needs you as a friend more than ever right now. And she is going to be very hooked on that idiot-stick. It will be very hard for her (with this level of trauma) to see past it for quite some time. It is very traumatic to be cheated on when pregnant. It completely gutted my self-confidence and esteem. I didn't even think falling that low was possible. I Felt like a storage unit at best. I felt like a loser. I even felt like a terrible Mom if I left OR stayed. I felt like a loser/idiot for having chosen a partner that could betray me so badly. Then it bounced back to feeling disgusting because I must have not been attractive anymore. And this is all magnified by the natural hormones with "Baby Blues" etc. I am not talking about Post Partum Depression. But that is something to watch for as well.

 

 

You know her dickhead boyfriend isn't going to watch for it.

 

 

It will be hard to watch your friend struggle with this and defend him and hate him at the same time.

 

 

Please don't judge your friend for staying with him. It is such a uniquely awful thing, that it is so hard to explain to someone who hasn't been there.

 

 

And I REALLY needed a friend through this. I really really needed someone to JUST LISTEN and not JUDGE. Someone who remembered my story and JUST CARED about me.

 

 

It wasn't until a member of my church did that for me that I was able to let go. Counseling didn't help because they try to awaken change, and I was so scared and I wasn't ready. My circumstances were also very trapping.

 

 

He is going to drain her self-esteem with his crappy behavior and empty promises and trying to get her away from friends that he "doesn't like."

 

 

Let her know that you will be there to listen and not judge her. Or push her to leave him. Don't. She will figure it out on her own if she hears HERSELF talk to you about how bad it is often enough. And she knows that one person is there for her.

 

 

It may be too tall of an order for you to do as a friend.....and that's okay. You don't HAVE TO. But that is what CAN BE DONE for your friend.

 

 

Seriously. Don't talk crap about him to her, she may hear it "in the moment" but the second he comes home, she will feel loyalty towards him and feel that she has to shake off your friendship to keep him around (trauma bonding, seriously). Let her talk crap about him to you. Let her share her "oh I just realized this bad thing about him" with you. But don't tell her that his character is awful in any way, Because after she says "he wasn't nice at all on Wednesday" she will remember the bouquet of "apology roses" he bought her on Thursday and feel guilty. Meanwhile, you'll be saying "oh yeah, he wasn't just a dick on Wednesday."

 

 

It is a tall order, but for me it was the ONLY THING that helped.

[dreamingoftigers]

She'll be judging herself harder than anyone right now. She doesn't need to hear what a stupid choice she made in having a kid with this guy.

 

 

Not that you are doing that. I think that you are a good friend OP. A very good friend.

[sportygirl89]

You cannot control relationships. One of my former close friends is marrying a guy who is a COMPLETE ass (made me feel bad about myself all the time, I work out a lot and focus a lot on my nutrition). My friend would just let her fiance talk to me like that (Most guys find me pretty and cute). He was just flat out mean to me. I felt bad for my former friend having to marry him. I did not say it. But I know if they divorce that he will not be nice or civil with it. I cannot say anything that would make her want to leave. She has to learn it on his own!.

Edited March 3, 2015 by sportygirl89

[whichwayisup]

Just be there for her if/when this falls apart again. She is the type to make bad choices, as you said, she has book smarts but not street smarts.

 

Unfortunately she now has a baby with this guy and for the sake of their kid, they have to try to work it out and be a family. Maybe this child will wake him up and he'll change. Time will tell.

 

You can continue to have a friendship with her, maybe be better for her to be alone with you and the baby with him not there. Just because they are together doesn't mean you have to have hang out with him each time you see her.

 

I hope you come back and do an update. Don't let others chase you off of here.

[kendahke]

That piece of isht is her babydaddy, so she's under the illusion that she's got a family with him. There really isn't anything you can do about this except let it run its course. You can't make her give him up, so figure out how you can be a supportive friend to her and her baby. If you can't do that, then perhaps you need to let this friendship go.

[kendahke]

I love how people throw around the "mind your own business" phrase especially when SHE called me crying and I sat with her and the baby as she cried for six hours straight.

 

Well, you know your friend and how she is--- book smart but common sense dumb. She's going to go where she thinks her emotional needs will be met best and right now, she's not interested in any talk about giving him up. That is what you have to work with. You can recommend from now til times get better for her to leave him, but she's sexually and emotionally drawn to him at this point and is not ready to give that up, despite how you feel about it. See, your feelings aren't the ones wrapped up in all of this, so it's easy to see it the way you do. It is easy to look in from the outside and make decisions--like all of us here: it's easy for us to clearly see what the problem is because we all can sign off an go about our merry way. We aren't emotionally invested in the people with whom posters have issues, or the poster for that matter.

 

So yeah, she's going to call you and cry for hours because she's emotionally invested in your friendship, but she's more emotionally invested in the sexual relationship she's got with this man. And now that she's got a baby with him, she's going full bore with the notion of "family".

 

You can give her your opinion, but you can't make her follow your directives.

[SpiralOut]

He accused you of not liking him because he saw that you have good morals and that you are smart enough to see through his BS. He knew that you wouldn't approve of his behaviour once you found out about it, maybe that's why he was so standoffish with you, to try and hide his true nature. Scumbags prefer to hang out with other scumbags.

 

 

I hope you continue to be there for her as a friend. However, it's okay to set boundaries with her. As much as we like to help people, it can be very draining to listen to someone complain all the time. Set limits on how often you see her or for how long. You could even set limits on how long you'll listen to her talk about him - 10 minutes, 30 minutes, whatever - before changing the subject to something more positive.

[coryreply]

If your friend would be willing to go to counseling, I think it would be a great opportunity for her. She has made some major, life-altering decisions for her life that turned out to be destructive. She needs someone to help her see this.