Photos Revisited

[Was_strong]

I owe you all an update and many thanks. Thank you my fellows I have learned so much from your replies and comments. You have been so generous with your time. With some of you I feel that we could be great friends, or a least share a beer and enjoy some great conversation.

 

I will write in my normal style. The less formal has never appealed to me. I know I risk sounding inauthentic but the way I write in part defines me. I have given up too many things in the last four weeks. I find myself unwilling to part with even small things now.

 

My wife and I have parted ways. I left her. Those few words, several letters--each one falls like with an avalanche of pain. That one small sentence of just three words was perhaps the last thing left of my former self.

 

I will spare you all of the details. Some of them I don't know myself. Did she cheat on me? I don't know. Was there additional deception? Yes.

 

For two weeks or so things were fine. I read books, and learned as much as I could about the BDSM lifestyle. I am naturally powerful--yes, my pride still lives--so playing the role of a Dom comes easily to me. So much of it seems unnatural and theatrical though. But my wife said I was incredible--Always the overachiever.

 

My mind drifts now. When I first began dating my wife she said something to me which I will never forget. After three dates I told her I was falling in love with her. She said that a man like me could never be faithful and that she was afraid to let herself fall in love with me. I fell to one knee and told her that she had never met anyone like me. I promised that no woman could ever take my heart nor my body. She replied, "Some day you will break my heart."

[Clay]

I am sorry things did not work out for you. I know its hard to deal with. There is no doubt in your case had she talked to you sooner things could have been easier on the both of you. Sadly just as you have learned people that cheat do it in many ways and there justification for is never really makes much sense. The good thing is you caught this early and clearly handled it better than most.

 

I am sure you will need time to heal and really sort things out in your mind but know there are better women out there. You sound like your on the right path.

 

I wish you well in your new adventure

 

Clay

[drifter777]

Dude - everyone has their heart broken and it's irrational to think it's not going to happen to you. Your stbxw understands that at some level, it's just that she didn't want it to happen to her. Well, life is hard. Marriage is even harder. And posting sexual bondage pictures of yourself on a BDSM website without telling your husband before-hand and him finding them makes a marriage nearly impossible to maintain. In your case it was the catalyst for divorce and no one will ever know your story and say anything but "wow - that would be really hard to ever get past. I don't blame you...".

 

And she deceived you, shocked you, and broke your heart. You have to feel absolutely mortified FOR her. You loved her and had an image of her in your mind that really didn't fit a bound & gagged nude chick displaying herself on the internet for all the world to see. I am sorry you had to go through this living nightmare and hope that you are able to find peace with all of it someday. None of this is on you.

[autumnnight]

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I hope you find comfort.

[whichwayisup]

My mind drifts now. When I first began dating my wife she said something to me which I will never forget. After three dates I told her I was falling in love with her. She said that a man like me could never be faithful and that she was afraid to let herself fall in love with me. I fell to one knee and told her that she had never met anyone like me. I promised that no woman could ever take my heart nor my body. She replied, "Some day you will break my heart."

 

Almost like she was trying to put you off, give you a hint except that she was the one who ended up hurting you.

 

Sorry you're hurting. Your soon to be ex wife's loss... You offered her the world and she couldn't offer that back to you.

[Mr. Lucky]

I will spare you all of the details. Some of them I don't know myself. Did she cheat on me? I don't know. Was there additional deception? Yes.

 

For two weeks or so things were fine. I read books, and learned as much as I could about the BDSM lifestyle. I am naturally powerful--yes, my pride still lives--so playing the role of a Dom comes easily to me. So much of it seems unnatural and theatrical though. But my wife said I was incredible--Always the overachiever.

 

Without going into detail, if you were willing to meet her part-way, why not more success in trying to work things out ?

 

Certainly understand if you don't want to discuss at this point...

 

Mr. Lucky

[spanz1]

so you momentarily became her Dom, did some BDSM sex acts with her, she loved it, and you....dumped her the next day? with no evidence that she ever cheated on you?

is this supposed to sound logical to us?

[Was_strong]

Be patient. I will finish, making it clear to you. I just don't have the energy right now.

[drifter777]

I remember you telling us she pulled all of her pictures down. Of course lots of copies could have been made and distributed on other sites - have you asked her to refrain from posting anymore? The more she posts the greater the chance that others - like your children - are going to see them and be mortified.

[aliveagain]

Be patient. I will finish, making it clear to you. I just don't have the energy right now.

 

 

You disappeared a few weeks ago after confronting your wife upon her return from London if I recall. Were any of her friends involved? She strongly denied cheating on you with another man. She was a member of a BDSM site that you stumbled onto when using her computer, she had been a member for several months at the time of your discovery. Did her trip to London have anything to do with BDSM? Has she explained why she never contacts you when she travels? Did you catch her posting more photo's of herself? Have you told your adult children?

[SawtoothMars]

This thread should be titled 50 Shades of Divorce.

[Was_strong]

About two weeks after my initial discovery things seemed to be returning to normal. My wife seemed very happy. We had long discussions regarding her desires. She seemed to be very open. Again, prior to discovering all of this I thought she was open. I'm not one to sulk or whine. I didn't hold anything over her. I moved past the initial shock and pain.

 

My view was that some people have these desires and that it is a need that they have to fill. Clearly I would have preferred to find out a different way.

 

On a particular day I decided to stay home from work, something I rarely do. We had sex in the morning. Afterwards we were chatting in the kitchen and having some coffee. I heard the familiar "text" sound from my wife's phone.

 

She didn't even flinch. My instinct would have been to immediately look to see who or what it was. "Aren't you going to look at it?" I asked. Her reply. "I get so many texts now, I don't want you to feel ignored while I'm with you."

 

"May I please see your phone? I coolly asked.

 

Is something wrong? Have I done something? She meekly asked.

 

Hand me your phone.

 

"Is this the way we are going to live our lives? No trust? We just had a wonderful morning and you are spoiling it."

 

I stood up, grabbed my jacket and walked out.

 

That was it. I haven't been back since. She has texted and tried to call hundreds of times. Her wonderful "friends" have called offering to visit me at our other appt., where I am staying, to console me and talk to me.

 

Our children are shattered. Their mother has told them that she did something awful and that this is all her fault. For my part I have said very little to them about the reasons for our split.

 

My son said to me, "Dad, if you two aren't meant for eachother then nobody is. And there is no such thing as love." That hurt so much I wanted to burn or cut my arms.

 

In the end she was still being deceptive. I could have pressed, or just taken the phone from her, but the exchange that we had regarding her phone left me with no doubt that she was hiding something. I simply refuse to let myself be dragged into a game of cat and mouse.

 

My father always said to me, if you want to be a king you must carry yourself like a king.

 

This king doesn't grovel nor engage in petty cat and mouse.

 

I have more but for now I'm exhausted.

[Ralph79]

You know for what it's worth, I think you did the right thing reacting the way you did.

 

I wouldn't end the marriage just yet. After all, the text really could have been anything. But you set a precedent and made it clear that she's nowhere near regaining your trust again so soon.

 

Some may view it harsh, and I could understand those that do, but I've been the type of person to let these things slide and it's backfired on me time and time again. I think she's in no position to make objections regarding trust for the moment.

[No Limit]

My son said to me, "Dad, if you two aren't meant for eachother then nobody is. And there is no such thing as love." That hurt so much I wanted to burn or cut my arms.

 

What the hell is your STBXW teaching your son?!

[Ralph79]

What the hell is your STBXW teaching your son?!

 

"Dad, if you two aren't meant for eachother then nobody is. And there is no such thing as love."

 

I think this might have been a typo by the OP. I can't make sense out of the sequences of the sentences unless it was supposed to say

 

"Dad, if you two aren't meant for each other then nobody is. Then there is no such thing as love."

 

But I'm totally assuming here.

[bathtub-row]

Wow, this is a very tough situation. I'm not saying the decision was tough, just that it's tough all around. I think you absolutely did the right thing. I did the exact thing when my ex cheated on me. When I found out, I immediately filed for divorce. After a lot of time passed and a lot of discussion, we reconciled. Then one day, out of the blue while I was having lunch with my sister, he called me. During the conversation, he mentioned that he was in an area of town where the ex OW lived. There was no reason for this and I nearly dropped the phone. When I got home, I calmly let him know that it was over between us. He was shocked that I would leave him over that, and insisted that he never went to the OW's house. I told him that I belived him but the problem was that he was willing to stir up that memory for me, that he was willing to cause me to question his actions and motives, and he was willing to risk our marriage, yet again. Game over.

 

Good for you for making your stance very clear. She was either lying to you or she was actually afraid of what that text contained. Which means there's another layer to this whole thing.

 

I know what your son said to you had to have knocked your socks off but you're teaching them that you will not stand by while someone lies to you. Or, from the kid's standpoint, while someone treats you badly. They need to know this.

 

I'm really sad for the pain you're in. I don't know what the future holds for you but know that you'll be ok. You will get through this one way or another and come out clean on the other end. No one enjoys going through this kind of thing but you were basically left with no choice.

[BetrayedH]

Good luck, friend.

 

Your wife's behavior regarding that text was obviously sketchy. And her question about "Are we going to live this way?" when you asked to see her phone sure sounded like very typical gaslighting where they turn it around on you (as if you created this scenario where trust is lacking). It was an utter bullshlt response on her part. Yes deary, when you lie to your husband and go behind his back to put BDSM shots of yourself on the internet, there's a lack of trust until you rebuild it, you idiot. So when you act all sketchy about a text message and refuse to let your H see the phone, he might just think you've still got something to hide.

 

I'm glad you took a hard stance and respected yourself by not continuing to accept unacceptable behavior.

[lolablue17]

I respect people who are brave and willing to pay some price in order to keep their dignity!

 

Your wife made a huge mistake with you. You caught her once and showed her a lot of understanding and gave her a second chance. Her behavior that morning proved that she started taking your willing to repair for granted too soon.

[road]

Good luck, friend.

 

Your wife's behavior regarding that text was obviously sketchy. And her question about "Are we going to live this way?" when you asked to see her phone sure sounded like very typical gaslighting where they turn it around on you (as if you created this scenario where trust is lacking). It was an utter bullshlt response on her part. Yes deary, when you lie to your husband and go behind his back to put BDSM shots of yourself on the internet, there's a lack of trust until you rebuild it, you idiot. So when you act all sketchy about a text message and refuse to let your H see the phone, he might just think you've still got something to hide.

 

I'm glad you took a hard stance and respected yourself by not continuing to accept unacceptable behavior.

 

 

 

Those that nothing to hide, hide nothing.

[Mr. Lucky]

I am naturally powerful--yes, my pride still lives--so playing the role of a Dom comes easily to me...Always the overachiever.

My father always said to me, if you want to be a king you must carry yourself like a king.

 

This king doesn't grovel nor engage in petty cat and mouse.

 

OP, what your wife has done is wrong. And you've been well within your rights to take the steps you've taken.

 

But I can't help wondering about the power dynamic in your relationship(s) and its effect on a healthy marriage. Maybe something to address down the road...

 

Mr. Lucky

[GreySkyMorning]

I think you've way overreacted, both to the original incident and to this one.

 

Actually, I think your wife is better off out of this marriage. It's pretty obvious that you would always be unable to fulfill her needs too and accept her for who she is.

 

Good luck.

[HereNorThere]

She was never going to give you the truth, so you did the right thing. Regardless of whether she admits to a full blown affair or not, she continually lied and embarrassed you. If she was truly remorseful, she would have done ANYTHING to show you that she cared. Unfortunately, she can't. She doesn't have the normal level of empathy that a person should have. It's all about her and her wants and desires. She's not going to let anything stand in the way of way of what she wants.

 

Don't worry, it's not over, at least not yet. She's going to squeeze every last drop of blood out of you before she lets the vultures at your carcass.

[oldshirt]

Deep down were you hoping that some day there would be a reason you could use to leave her and move on?

[oldshirt]

...I mean you do realize that txt may have her Aunt Matilda asking her if she was still going to bring the green bean casserole to the church luncheon this weekend right?

 

 

Or it may have been one of her lovers setting up a time to meet in their bondage dungeon.

 

 

My point is you don't know. You are doing this out of ego so you 'look' like a king. I have the feeling real kings at least gathered relevant facts before making final judgements.

 

 

She may be a cheating ho that is sneaking around doing God knows what behind your back.

 

 

Or she may have been a bored kinkster that sent a few photos of herself to a website for a little thrill and some ego boost from people commenting on the pictures.

 

 

Either way are letting your ego and your quest for "strength" make you walk away without looking into the facts. IMHO this makes you weak and irresponsible and reckless.

 

 

I am envisioning Jack Nicholson sitting on the witness stand shouting, "you can't handle the truth!"

 

 

A responsible husband and father who is an actual leader and person of strength and integrity would peel back layers and find the truth and the reality whether good or bad and would make a decision based on that reality and not just walk away because he's afraid someone with think he is chasing mice.

 

 

If you find out that she is a cheating ho, then yes, there are issues that need to be addressed and there will be ramifications for those actions.

 

 

But you don't know what she has done or not done. You are walking away and breaking up a family because you don't want to be bothered with taking the time to find out.

 

 

weak and reckless.

[sandylee1]

If she had nothing to hide, she would have shown you her phone. Plain and simple. Expecting you to trust her after those pics is a tall order. The fact that you stayed and were working through things was good, but you need to trust her. She needed to be fully transparent.