Photos Revisited

[autumnnight]

I can understand that the text may have been nothing. Here was what bothered me. She just got done keeping something pretty big from the OP, and putting pretty darn intimate pictures up of herself for strangers to see. She said she was sorry and remorseful.

 

And yet, when the OP asked about it, her response was "Is this how we're going to live now?" THAT statement is defensive and shows more resentment than remorse.

 

That said, the whole "king" thing tells me that this OP is probably pretty arrogant and controlling and not real respectful of his wife. Doesn't excuse HER actions, but I don't see this being a health relationship anyway.

[HereNorThere]

This isn't as much about cheating as it is about boundaries. It's nice to see an OP around here who actually has some and is willing to fight to maintain them.

 

So many things she's done would have crossed my boundaries.-

Taking skanky pictures for the Internet? No thanks, if I had wanted to marry a porn star, I would have.

 

Lying and not being transparent, no thanks on that one either. I want to be able to trust my partner with my life.

 

BDSM? Nope, if I had wanted to marry dom/sub, I would have. From the looks of the Internet, this type of person shouldn't be hard to find. Everyone has a right to do weird sh*t like that, but I also have the right not to. I don' t think it's healthy and to me, it just screams psychological issues. I mean, I get the housewife 50 shades fantasy stuff, but if you feed that beast enough, it will eventually be the only thing that gets you off. There are some switches you simply can't throw back to their off position.

 

The lack of empathy. - I mean, this women was just exposed to have a whole other secret life she was hiding from her husband. She should have enough sense to know that would be devastating, but she either doesn't realize it or doesn't care. That's a deal breaker to me.

 

Plus, she was cheating. I mean, someone had to take the pictures. Plus, pictures are for other people. If she was caught masturbating to her own pictures (lol) it would be a different story. She wasn't caught sexting one person, she sexted 75% of the world's population. You can see her naked on Mt. Everest (they have 3g internet up there now) or even the rainforest. Her naked picture has probably reached every continent by now.

 

The way she let the marriage go over a silly text shows that she wasn't really in it to begin with. I have a feeling her other life became an obsession and she needs to live out her fantasy for a while before she wakes up and realizes "hey, I'm tied up in this guy from craigslist's basement, when I could have been at home with my loving husband."

[autumnnight]

The lack of empathy. - I mean, this women was just exposed to have a whole other secret life she was hiding from her husband. She should have enough sense to know that would be devastating, but she either doesn't realize it or doesn't care. That's a deal breaker to me.

 

THIS. That spoke volumes to me

[MJJean]

I can understand that the text may have been nothing. Here was what bothered me. She just got done keeping something pretty big from the OP, and putting pretty darn intimate pictures up of herself for strangers to see. She said she was sorry and remorseful.

 

And yet, when the OP asked about it, her response was "Is this how we're going to live now?" THAT statement is defensive and shows more resentment than remorse.

 

I think I disagree.

 

Some into bondage and submission see a scene as much more than physical. It's about trust and bonding. Closeness. Hyper-awareness. Connection.

 

So, from the wife's point of view, her husband forgave her and was prepared emotionally, mentally, and physically to do this thing with her. Then, after such a deeply personal and intimate act, he shows distrust in her. For her that can seem like a betrayal. They just recently did something so much about bonding and trust and now he's saying he doesn't trust her?

 

Additionally, the text could have been something innocently embarrassing. Maybe she told one of her friends about their bondage scene(s) and they were having a conversation about it, but the OP's wife didn't want the OP to know because it would embarrass him or her.*

 

* Yes, I know that could be seen as a violation of trust. However, it's not uncommon for men and women to discuss their sex lives with friends and not understand why their partner might be upset by it because it's no big deal to them. It's really more of a boundary issue if that's what happened.

[anika99]

It doesn't matter what the text said or who it was from. That wasn't the issue. The issue was her response to being asked to see her phone. Her reply showed a real lack of understanding or remorse. She basically dug in her heels and blamed her husband for not having trust when her actions caused that lack of trust. In light of that attitude who cares who the text is from?

 

 

I don't know the OP's marital history and if he is arrogant or controlling normally but I support his drawing a hard line in the sand when it comes to deceitful behavior. There is no room for leeway when it comes to lying and deceiving behavior. Either his wife wants to prove herself trustworthy or she doesn't and that response indicated that she doesn't so there is no reason for him to stay.

[HereNorThere]

I think I disagree.

 

Some into bondage and submission see a scene as much more than physical. It's about trust and bonding. Closeness. Hyper-awareness. Connection.

 

So, from the wife's point of view, her husband forgave her and was prepared emotionally, mentally, and physically to do this thing with her. Then, after such a deeply personal and intimate act, he shows distrust in her. For her that can seem like a betrayal. They just recently did something so much about bonding and trust and now he's saying he doesn't trust her?

 

Additionally, the text could have been something innocently embarrassing. Maybe she told one of her friends about their bondage scene(s) and they were having a conversation about it, but the OP's wife didn't want the OP to know because it would embarrass him or her.*

 

* Yes, I know that could be seen as a violation of trust. However, it's not uncommon for men and women to discuss their sex lives with friends and not understand why their partner might be upset by it because it's no big deal to them. It's really more of a boundary issue if that's what happened.

 

 

Yes, posting pornographic pictures of yourself on the Internet without your spouse's knowledge is so about trust, bonding, closeness, hyper-awareness and connection.

 

Blah, blah, blah.. It's about getting bored with sex and instead of discussing it with your monogamous partner, you go f*ck around on the Internet.

 

I can do all the trust and bonding things with my partner without a ball gag, chains, or the Internet cheering me on. Give me a break.

[1040]

She's the wayward spouse, and it does not matter if it was a conventional affair or her weird "boundaries" that are the issue. She does not get to make decisions about this stuff for a while. She should be BEGGING him to take her back.

 

If he wants to see every email/ text for the last five years, so be it. Marriage counseling, explaining every single detail of what went on without lies or omission (50 times over if he wants), all passwords, keylogger, voice activated recorder on her person 24/7, whatever he wants.

 

Cheating 101. This stuff takes years and she gave it a few days it appears.

 

She is totally disdainful of him and he made the right decision. If I were him I would disseminate the photos to everyone she knows.

[Rainbowlove]

If I were him I would disseminate the photos to everyone she knows.

 

What good would this do?

[sandylee1]

If I were him I would disseminate the photos to everyone she knows.

 

This is purely revenge. Why should he do this? Are you even thinking about all the other people that could be hurt and damaged as a result? Especially their children. A loving parent would NEVER do this, unless they were only thinking about themselves and seeking revenge. Sorry, but it's pure bitterness.

Don't even go there and say it would be her own fault.

[MJJean]

The issue was her response to being asked to see her phone. Her reply showed a real lack of understanding or remorse. She basically dug in her heels and blamed her husband for not having trust when her actions caused that lack of trust. In light of that attitude who cares who the text is from?

 

Either his wife wants to prove herself trustworthy or she doesn't and that response indicated that she doesn't so there is no reason for him to stay.

 

The bolded is key. If, for her, the bondage D/s thing is also about closeness, bonding, and trust then by doing that with her he was saying without words that he forgave her and he trusts her again. There is a good chance that she didn't understand that there is still a trust issue that needs to be handled.

 

It's entirely possible she was hurt by his lack of trust because she saw it as an undoing or negating of the healing, in her mind, that took place when he acted as her Dom and she as his sub.

 

Yes, posting pornographic pictures of yourself on the Internet without your spouse's knowledge is so about trust, bonding, closeness, hyper-awareness and connection.

 

Blah, blah, blah.. It's about getting bored with sex and instead of discussing it with your monogamous partner, you go f*ck around on the Internet.

 

I can do all the trust and bonding things with my partner without a ball gag, chains, or the Internet cheering me on. Give me a break.

 

This whole post shows a serious lack of understanding. A lot of those involved in bondage and/or D/s play do not have sex with their partners. They engage in the acts of bondage and submission without sexual contact, get their mental and emotional release, and that's it. Those that do include sex are usually involved in LTR's and are only sharing D/s and bondage acts in a sexual way with their partner.

 

Really, it's not just about kinky sex. Kinky sex can be a part of it, but for a true sub bondage and D/s are much more about psychological and emotional needs.

[autumnnight]

The bolded is key. If, for her, the bondage D/s thing is also about closeness, bonding, and trust then by doing that with her he was saying without words that he forgave her and he trusts her again. There is a good chance that she didn't understand that there is still a trust issue that needs to be handled.

 

It's entirely possible she was hurt by his lack of trust because she saw it as an undoing or negating of the healing, in her mind, that took place when he acted as her Dom and she as his sub.

 

 

 

This whole post shows a serious lack of understanding. A lot of those involved in bondage and/or D/s play do not have sex with their partners. They engage in the acts of bondage and submission without sexual contact, get their mental and emotional release, and that's it. Those that do include sex are usually involved in LTR's and are only sharing D/s and bondage acts in a sexual way with their partner.

 

Really, it's not just about kinky sex. Kinky sex can be a part of it, but for a true sub bondage and D/s are much more about psychological and emotional needs.

 

I have a very personal understanding of D/s. That is not what this is about. She deceived him. She shared herself photographically with strangers. There were a lot of photos. She hid a part of her life from her spouse.

 

He asks about ONE text a week after being betrayed, and she is already defensive. She lacke empathy and an understanding of the ramifications of her quite piblic betrayal.

 

D/s bonding is not an excuse.

[autumnnight]

She's the wayward spouse, and it does not matter if it was a conventional affair or her weird "boundaries" that are the issue. She does not get to make decisions about this stuff for a while. She should be BEGGING him to take her back.

 

If he wants to see every email/ text for the last five years, so be it. Marriage counseling, explaining every single detail of what went on without lies or omission (50 times over if he wants), all passwords, keylogger, voice activated recorder on her person 24/7, whatever he wants.

 

Cheating 101. This stuff takes years and she gave it a few days it appears.

 

She is totally disdainful of him and he made the right decision. If I were him I would disseminate the photos to everyone she knows.

And THIS is the opposite extreme of expecting him to get over it in a week.

[Ralph79]

I think those who followed the OP's first thread, should remember his wife's reaction to her private activities being discovered.

 

She collapsed and sobbed on her knees continually asking for forgiveness. I know this is a very delicate subject, but I would assume anyone who felt that their actions were innocent, would have reacted very differently. They would have been angry.

 

Maybe she overreacted that day. I can't say, I wasn't there. But given what has already happened, I don't think kinky sex is going to be enough to forgive, repair or undo whatever damage both parties feel was inflicted on the relationship, which was only re-affirmed by her reaction on discovery day.

 

While I agree that the OP might benefit from empathizing with his wife in several other areas, I stand by his decision to react the way he did in this case.

[Was_strong]

I'd like to write some background information. I'm not sure why but I would like you to know what my marriage was like from my view.

 

We were great lovers. She always flashed a large smile at me when we shared evenings out. Our conversations were as easy as the way a hand slips into a well worn glove. Our kisses were frequent. We held hands and when we watched movies she would be in the crook of my arm with her head against my chest. I was the rock and she was a bouquet of flowers.

 

Like all marriages we had some problems. I run my own company. I feel a tremendous responsibility to my employees. I am probably driven to an extreme. She told me numerous times that she was bored and needed direction. Looking back my answers were cardboard. I suggested all of the standard things, join a club, take a class, take up a hobby (I wasn't thinking BDSM).

 

I could become grumpy and distant, particularly when things weren't going well at work. I hate talking about work at home so perhaps over the years she learned not to ask questions about my day. We did talk a lot, just never about work. Thinking about it, I'm not sure now that she was really interested in what I had to say. Maybe it was all too superficial or plain vanilla. I'm not sure.

 

The king. It probably does come across as arrogant. And there are probably people that see me that way. It sounds corny but I always wanted to be the King Arthur type. I tried to live my life that way. As an officer in the military (not making this clear just in case somebody who knows me reads this) I learned the concepts dear to the Romans, dignitas, gravitas, stoicism. Maybe it was a way to keep people out. That's very possible.

 

This part is going to sound vain. I've never seen myself as a vain person. My parents were both great people. They taught me and impressed upon me that material things were only borrowed, that good looks and youth would pass. They taught me that denial and willpower, and self control--something my wife apparently has none of-- are paramount. I think my wife became tired of the looks that I get. As I reread that sentence I know that it sounds horrible but this could easily be a major issue in our marriage. I can't count the number of times she said, " Will this ever stop". I told her to ignore it, but I don't think she could. I wonder now if she hated me for it. The irony of it all. God must have a great sense of humor. The only woman I want, wants something that I am not.

[GreySkyMorning]

I'd like to write some background information. I'm not sure why but I would like you to know what my marriage was like from my view.

 

We were great lovers. She always flashed a large smile at me when we shared evenings out. Our conversations were as easy as the way a hand slips into a well worn glove. Our kisses were frequent. We held hands and when we watched movies she would be in the crook of my arm with her head against my chest. I was the rock and she was a bouquet of flowers.

 

Like all marriages we had some problems. I run my own company. I feel a tremendous responsibility to my employees. I am probably driven to an extreme. She told me numerous times that she was bored and needed direction. Looking back my answers were cardboard. I suggested all of the standard things, join a club, take a class, take up a hobby (I wasn't thinking BDSM).

 

I could become grumpy and distant, particularly when things weren't going well at work. I hate talking about work at home so perhaps over the years she learned not to ask questions about my day. We did talk a lot, just never about work. Thinking about it, I'm not sure now that she was really interested in what I had to say. Maybe it was all too superficial or plain vanilla. I'm not sure.

 

The king. It probably does come across as arrogant. And there are probably people that see me that way. It sounds corny but I always wanted to be the King Arthur type. I tried to live my life that way. As an officer in the military (not making this clear just in case somebody who knows me reads this) I learned the concepts dear to the Romans, dignitas, gravitas, stoicism. Maybe it was a way to keep people out. That's very possible.

 

This part is going to sound vain. I've never seen myself as a vain person. My parents were both great people. They taught me and impressed upon me that material things were only borrowed, that good looks and youth would pass. They taught me that denial and willpower, and self control--something my wife apparently has none of-- are paramount. I think my wife became tired of the looks that I get. As I reread that sentence I know that it sounds horrible but this could easily be a major issue in our marriage. I can't count the number of times she said, " Will this ever stop". I told her to ignore it, but I don't think she could. I wonder now if she hated me for it. The irony of it all. God must have a great sense of humor. The only woman I want, wants something that I am not.

 

I'm involved in the BDSM lifestyle to a degree. I'm very curious what degree of "pornography" these pictures detailed. So far, you've only described one, in which you state she was fully dressed and being play spanked by a girlfriend. The resident posters have turned that into naked, gagged and bound slut pics broadcast across the internet.

 

You describe a marriage that sounds lovely at a certain point. I'm not sure how it got to you walking out the door and her feeling as though none of her needs are being met. You've gotten a lot of good advice and bad advice on this thread. It's up to you to figure out which is which. I just hope you aren't throwing away something precious over ego and embarassment.

 

I am on my way out the door to work, but I wish I had time to elaborate more on this thread. One thing that stands out to me is that you stated you'd mocked, ridiculed, whatever you want to label it, other people that were into the BDSM lifestyle. How was she ever supposed to open up to you and express her own interest if she knew you viewed it from that point?

[spanz1]

I have to agree with the OP, if she gets a text and does not let him see it, acts like she has some rights to privacy only 1 week after screwing other guys in some sex dungeon, then she did not get the memo! she should have been doing the heavy lifting.

 

 

I can see how a modern woman would want to piss all over your "King" mentality, and some would even relish on cheating on you for that attitude. but hey, you told her who you were and what you expected long ago...its not like you pulled this out of the air last week and she was shocked!

 

 

splitting up IS the best thing in this case. I think both sides have some grievances....and the immediate situation of her cheating was NOT taking the correct course for reconciliation. so...time to split.

[Ralph79]

I have to agree with the OP, if she gets a text and does not let him see it, acts like she has some rights to privacy only 1 week after screwing other guys in some sex dungeon, then she did not get the memo! she should have been doing the heavy lifting.

 

That never happened.

[GreySkyMorning]

I have to agree with the OP, if she gets a text and does not let him see it, acts like she has some rights to privacy only 1 week after screwing other guys in some sex dungeon, then she did not get the memo! she should have been doing the heavy lifting.

 

 

I can see how a modern woman would want to piss all over your "King" mentality, and some would even relish on cheating on you for that attitude. but hey, you told her who you were and what you expected long ago...its not like you pulled this out of the air last week and she was shocked!

 

 

splitting up IS the best thing in this case. I think both sides have some grievances....and the immediate situation of her cheating was NOT taking the correct course for reconciliation. so...time to split.

 

Was Strong, please think long and hard about the advice you're being given on this forum. It is coming from people that have already turned your wife into the person bolded above. You KNOW that's not who she is. I don't believe it for one second. You are seeking advice from a forum of bitter angry betrayed people who are in different situations and circumstances than your own and you are about to throw away the woman you love because of it. Please step back and think, without the vitriol of this place.

[GreySkyMorning]

Btw, anyone that views the BDSM lifestyle as simply screwing someone in a sex dungeon, knows absolutely nothing about it. A very large part of the time, the D/s, or BDSM, lifestyle has nothing to do with sex at all.

 

Also, if you do choose to throw it all away over this, I hope she finds someone that accepts her fully for who she is and what her needs are. And you have no idea what you are losing by tossing aside a submissive/service minded woman that is in love with you.

Edited March 4, 2015 by GreySkyMorning

[drifter777]

I'd like to write some background information. I'm not sure why but I would like you to know what my marriage was like from my view.

 

We were great lovers. She always flashed a large smile at me when we shared evenings out. Our conversations were as easy as the way a hand slips into a well worn glove. Our kisses were frequent. We held hands and when we watched movies she would be in the crook of my arm with her head against my chest. I was the rock and she was a bouquet of flowers.

 

Like all marriages we had some problems. I run my own company. I feel a tremendous responsibility to my employees. I am probably driven to an extreme. She told me numerous times that she was bored and needed direction. Looking back my answers were cardboard. I suggested all of the standard things, join a club, take a class, take up a hobby (I wasn't thinking BDSM).

 

I could become grumpy and distant, particularly when things weren't going well at work. I hate talking about work at home so perhaps over the years she learned not to ask questions about my day. We did talk a lot, just never about work. Thinking about it, I'm not sure now that she was really interested in what I had to say. Maybe it was all too superficial or plain vanilla. I'm not sure.

 

The king. It probably does come across as arrogant. And there are probably people that see me that way. It sounds corny but I always wanted to be the King Arthur type. I tried to live my life that way. As an officer in the military (not making this clear just in case somebody who knows me reads this) I learned the concepts dear to the Romans, dignitas, gravitas, stoicism. Maybe it was a way to keep people out. That's very possible.

 

This part is going to sound vain. I've never seen myself as a vain person. My parents were both great people. They taught me and impressed upon me that material things were only borrowed, that good looks and youth would pass. They taught me that denial and willpower, and self control--something my wife apparently has none of-- are paramount. I think my wife became tired of the looks that I get. As I reread that sentence I know that it sounds horrible but this could easily be a major issue in our marriage. I can't count the number of times she said, " Will this ever stop". I told her to ignore it, but I don't think she could. I wonder now if she hated me for it. The irony of it all. God must have a great sense of humor. The only woman I want, wants something that I am not.

I'm sure lots of us appreciate more of your back-story but, really, other than the value you derive from getting all of this out it isn't meaningful to your situation.

 

Real life has a way of intruding on fantasy life. Romantic love is like a drug that, while its wonderful when your in it, always fades. Authentic love is what you need to overcome the normal challenges we all face in life.

 

A couple questions: Were you supposed to find a hobby or activity to help her fill her life? Is this your responsibility? Are you supposed to apologize for being attractive to women? Do your really think you should have picked up on her desire for a D/s relationship with zero discussion or revelation from her?

 

Marriage, at best, is hard. Marriage with kids is really hard. And marriage with someone with no boundaries and is deceptive to the point of straight up lying is impossible. I also don't think its likely she can change her issues. Yeah, you could start tying her up and spanking her - maybe even learn to embrace the Dom role. But that isn't going to help her lack of boundaries or that part of her that things its fine to deceive and lie to you.

 

I strongly believe that your reaction to all of this is rational and healthy. Your kids are grown and it doesn't seem like you are prepared to live with all of this exhibitionism and possible physical cheating, so getting on the path to divorce should be very healing for you. Stay on it.

[drifter777]

That never happened.

We don't know that and shouldn't assume it did or didn't happen.

[HereNorThere]

It doesn't matter how you view the BDSM lifestyle, it's about knowing who you are married to. It doesn't sound like OP would seek out and marry someone involved in this, so he has every right to kick her to the curb.

 

And sorry, you can try to make this non-sexual, but then there's fact that he found all kinds of sex toys and weird stuff, so that's kind of out of the window.

 

I get it, I get it, I knew there would be a lot of people defending BDSM and I think people have a right to do whatever they want when they are single. However, once you get married, seeking sexual satisfaction outside the confounds of marriage is a deal-breaker for most monogamous partners.

Add that to the fact that she didn't even TRY to tell OP about her fantasies, she went to strangers on the Internet and other friends instead of him.

 

Trust me, this isn't about her cheating as much as it is about her obsession and lack of impulse control. She's willing to lie, cheat and even divorce over some silly fetish. No one wants to be married to someone who can't control themselves, especially sexually.

[Was_strong]

Btw, anyone that views the BDSM lifestyle as simply screwing someone in a sex dungeon, knows absolutely nothing about it. A very large part of the time, the D/s, or BDSM, lifestyle has nothing to do with sex at all.

 

Also, if you do choose to throw it all away over this, I hope she finds someone that accepts her fully for who she is and what her needs are. And you have no idea what you are losing by tossing aside a submissive/service minded woman that is in love with you.

 

GSM. Your advice has been sound. But what do I do about the continuing evasiveness. By no means did I push to know everything or see everything. If you had seen the look on her face when I asked for the phone, then you would understand. I felt like I took the high road. I wasn't going to grovel and beg or demand like some psychopath.

 

I can't even describe to you the pain that I am in. My heart indeed feels broken. I now understand where the phrase comes from. I know my wife is hurting too, tremendously.

[HereNorThere]

If I were him I would disseminate the photos to everyone she knows.

 

Considering that she posted them to the Internet, it sounds like she already beat him to the punch with that one.

 

Besides, it wouldn't be much punishment anyway. Part of the whole deal is that she gets off on other people looking at her.

[BetrayedH]

What have your wife's messages said since you left?