Photos Revisited

[sandylee1]

screwing other guys in some sex dungeon

 

.

 

Why do people invent their own stories here? This never happened.

 

- You are making assumptions

- Trying to stir things and sound hurtful to the OP, especially

saying 'guys ' in the plural.

 

Please think before you post like this. It is not at all helpful.

[drifter777]

Btw, anyone that views the BDSM lifestyle as simply screwing someone in a sex dungeon, knows absolutely nothing about it. A very large part of the time, the D/s, or BDSM, lifestyle has nothing to do with sex at all.

 

Also, if you do choose to throw it all away over this, I hope she finds someone that accepts her fully for who she is and what her needs are. And you have no idea what you are losing by tossing aside a submissive/service minded woman that is in love with you.

Ok, I have no personal experience with this but I love erotica and have read a lot about the lifestyle. Nearly everyone involved says that its the emotional element that makes a Dom a Dom and a sub a sub. Its a state of mind - truly a lifestyle. That the Dom cares, physically and emotionally, for his sub. The sub lives for her Dom.

 

This all begs the question: who was she doing this for/with? How committed to BSDM could she possibly be without a partner? And purchasing "a small trove" of Bondage toys and outfits says committed to me. Also his statement "The photos that she posted are so explicit that I almost cannot believe that she did this of her own volition" paints a picture of an active Dom/sub relationship. Yes, lots of circumstantial stuff combined with hard evidence but connecting the dots to sex and/or strong emotional involvement with another person is reasonable. Likely.

[Ralph79]

Was_Strong

 

I'll say this once more, but I'll be more blunt this time, for the sake of self-reflection:

 

As I stated once in your other thread, the only thing you might be inadvertently guilty of (Not that this necessarily excuses anything) is not paying enough attention to your wife as a Woman.

 

You've complemented her intelligence, her powerful personality, her strength & her character throughout your posts. But I haven't seen you post anything regarding her beauty. Her physical sexual appeal. You have boasted about yours, and how desirable other women find you, several times throughout various posts, but ask yourself if you have reassured your wife of how beautiful she is every day in the past. Maybe that's all that she was seeking. (Not that she went about it in a good way).

 

If you are confident and certain that you have, then I take this back and would ask that you disregard this post.

[1040]

Considering that she posted them to the Internet, it sounds like she already beat him to the punch with that one.

 

Besides, it wouldn't be much punishment anyway. Part of the whole deal is that she gets off on other people looking at her.

 

Yeah, I could not tell from the OP whether these pics were available to anyone, or on some kind of restricted/pay site. If the former, let 'em fly. They are already probably copied 1000x anyway.

 

Those supporting the wife seem not to care a whit about the torture the OP is enduring. I am not surprised.

[drifter777]

Trust me, this isn't about her cheating as much as it is about her obsession and lack of impulse control. She's willing to lie, cheat and even divorce over some silly fetish. No one wants to be married to someone who can't control themselves, especially sexually.

I'm not at all involved in the BDSM world but even I find this kind of offensive. You do understand that this is a lifestyle choice that many people choose - right?

[1040]

GSM. Your advice has been sound. But what do I do about the continuing evasiveness. By no means did I push to know everything or see everything. If you had seen the look on her face when I asked for the phone, then you would understand. I felt like I took the high road. I wasn't going to grovel and beg or demand like some psychopath.

 

I can't even describe to you the pain that I am in. My heart indeed feels broken. I now understand where the phrase comes from. I know my wife is hurting too, tremendously.

 

OP, this is just godawful. The website "Surviving Infidelity" has a lot of posts about wayward spouses in all kinds of situations. There might be some people there who could help you.

 

If she hides even a smidgen of info from you about what happened, it's virtually impossible to forgive. What she's concealing must be truly hideous. I am so sorry.

[Ralph79]

We don't know that and shouldn't assume it did or didn't happen.

 

I'm sorry, you are right. We have to be open to the idea that she might have actually gotten herself into a sex DUNGEON to have sex with other men.

 

The OP never said it, so I just felt it was safe to assume the obvious.

[drifter777]

OP, this is just godawful. The website "Surviving Infidelity" has a lot of posts about wayward spouses in all kinds of situations. There might be some people there who could help you.

 

If she hides even a smidgen of info from you about what happened, it's virtually impossible to forgive. What she's concealing must be truly hideous. I am so sorry.

Yes, it's a good idea to seek other sources of advice. We here at LS have an OW/OM forum dedicated to wayward's as well.

[Was_strong]

What have your wife's messages said since you left?

 

Wailing. Begging. She loves me. She wants to come to visit me.

 

I'll be wrecked to see her. I can't. I don't know how I'll erase all this. How do I get things back to the way they were? I fear there is only pain ahead for me now.

[HereNorThere]

I'm not at all involved in the BDSM world but even I find this kind of offensive. You do understand that this is a lifestyle choice that many people choose - right?

 

Lot's of us have different sexual fetishes or preferences that may be out of our partner's boundaries. The difference is that I have impulse control and empathy. Pursuing those interests at her cost would be selfish of me. I knew she wasn't into certain things when we got together and I still made the choice to be with her.

 

If she wanted this crazy porno lifestyle, she should have married a porn guy. Instead, she wanted the comforts of classy gentleman and decided have relationships on the side.

[Ralph79]

If she wanted this crazy porno lifestyle, she should have married a porn guy. Instead, she wanted the comforts of classy gentleman and decided have relationships on the side.

 

This hasn't been confirmed or conveyed by the OP. We don't know that. He doesn't know that.

[HereNorThere]

Why do people invent their own stories here? This never happened.

 

- You are making assumptions

- Trying to stir things and sound hurtful to the OP, especially

saying 'guys ' in the plural.

 

Please think before you post like this. It is not at all helpful.

 

I think he actually meant "guy's" in the possessive form of the word as opposed to plural, but I get what you're saying.

 

Besides, you're correct and we shouldn't be making assumptions. This guy might not even have his own dungeon, it may just be a condo or something like that.

[BlueIris]

GSM. Your advice has been sound. But what do I do about the continuing evasiveness. By no means did I push to know everything or see everything. If you had seen the look on her face when I asked for the phone, then you would understand. I felt like I took the high road. I wasn't going to grovel and beg or demand like some psychopath.

 

I can't even describe to you the pain that I am in. My heart indeed feels broken. I now understand where the phrase comes from. I know my wife is hurting too, tremendously.

 

Tell her that you don't trust her and need her to rebuild trust?

 

I don't know what the look on her face was when you asked for the phone, but I don't think the only alternative to walking out and ending it was groveling, begging or demanding. Maybe you could have said you want her to be open and candid so that you can start to trust her again. That might have put the issue of trust and candor front and center.

 

I'd want my partner to offer openness and candor, to be putting it into my hands because of the sincerity of their desire to rebuild our trust and come together rather than split apart. I wouldn't ever want to have to ask for it again, either.

 

It seems like lots of infidelity or dishonesty issues come down to candor more than honesty. Candor is willingly offered and delivered. If we have to request it, the trust just keeps eroding because we have to beg or enforce. I'd get sick of that pretty fast.

 

However, the other person has to make it known that he/she will be open to everything his partner says to him so that the partner feels free to be candid. It does sound as though you said bad things about BDSM and might have been rigid or maybe a bit imperious or imperial at times. Did you two talk about that?

Did you talk about whether she feels comfortable telling you her deepest desires?

[Ralph79]

Lot's of us have different sexual fetishes or preferences that may be out of our partner's boundaries. The difference is that I have impulse control and empathy. Pursuing those interests at her cost would be selfish of me. I knew she wasn't into certain things when we got together and I still made the choice to be with her.

 

If she wanted this crazy porno lifestyle, she should have married a porn guy. Instead, she wanted the comforts of classy gentleman and decided have relationships on the side.

 

This hasn't been confirmed or conveyed by the OP. We don't know that. He doesn't know that.

 

My apologies, just realized I think you might not have been referring to the OP in your example.

[1040]

Wailing. Begging. She loves me. She wants to come to visit me.

 

I'll be wrecked to see her. I can't. I don't know how I'll erase all this. How do I get things back to the way they were? I fear there is only pain ahead for me now.

 

You aren't going to be able to handle this on your own. You have to get individual counseling. That site I just quoted has tons of links, articles, recommendations. Tens of thousands of people as members.

[Was_strong]

Tell her that you don't trust her and need her to rebuild trust?

 

I don't know what the look on her face was when you asked for the phone, but I don't think the only alternative to walking out and ending it was groveling, begging or demanding. Maybe you could have said you want her to be open and candid so that you can start to trust her again. That might have put the issue of trust and candor front and center.

 

I'd want my partner to offer openness and candor, to be putting it into my hands because of the sincerity of their desire to rebuild our trust and come together rather than split apart. I wouldn't ever want to have to ask for it again, either.

 

It seems like lots of infidelity or dishonesty issues come down to candor more than honesty. Candor is willingly offered and delivered. If we have to request it, the trust just keeps eroding because we have to beg or enforce. I'd get sick of that pretty fast.

 

However, the other person has to make it known that he/she will be open to everything his partner says to him so that the partner feels free to be candid. It does sound as though you said bad things about BDSM and might have been rigid or maybe a bit imperious or imperial at times. Did you two talk about that?

Did you talk about whether she feels comfortable telling you her deepest desires?

 

 

Thank you. This is really helpful. I wish I could go back in time. I wish I could take back some of the things I have said. I probably hurt her.

[Was_strong]

Was_Strong

 

I'll say this once more, but I'll be more blunt this time, for the sake of self-reflection:

 

As I stated once in your other thread, the only thing you might be inadvertently guilty of (Not that this necessarily excuses anything) is not paying enough attention to your wife as a Woman.

 

You've complemented her intelligence, her powerful personality, her strength & her character throughout your posts. But I haven't seen you post anything regarding her beauty. Her physical sexual appeal. You have boasted about yours, and how desirable other women find you, several times throughout various posts, but ask yourself if you have reassured your wife of how beautiful she is every day in the past. Maybe that's all that she was seeking. (Not that she went about it in a good way).

 

If you are confident and certain that you have, then I take this back and would ask that you disregard this post.

 

Thank you Ralph. I fear that I am guilty.

[HereNorThere]

Wailing. Begging. She loves me. She wants to come to visit me.

 

I'll be wrecked to see her. I can't. I don't know how I'll erase all this. How do I get things back to the way they were? I fear there is only pain ahead for me now.

 

 

It's just weird that she's willing to give you everything you want except one thing - HONESTY

 

If she was really begging, if she really loved you, she'd just be open, honest and transparent. It's actually really simple, but she's still willing to sacrifice everything to keep the lie going.

 

Get over the idea of "getting things back the way they were" because you don't want that. The way things were? Hell no, the way things were was that your wife was leading a double life, lying to you about everything, posting graphic pictures on the internet, hiding sex toys, having "friends" take naked photos of her, etc

 

You don't want things to go back to the way the were, you want things to go back to the way you THOUGHT they were. Sorry buddy, but this isn't Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. What has been seen cannot be unseen. You can only move forward with the wife you have now, not the one you thought you had.

 

I know it seems hard right now, but the truth is always better. You haven't gotten it yet, but you will. Once you do, your world will put itself back together, I promise.

[BlueIris]

Thank you. This is really helpful. I wish I could go back in time. I wish I could take back some of the things I have said. I probably hurt her.

 

Well, do you want to or are you done with it all?

 

People sometimes do the wrong thing, realize it, and go back and say they want to say or do that thing differently. They can say, I wish I'd done this, or I wish I had said that.

 

It's your call. I can see both your position and your wife's- you've presented things that could explain her position, a credit to you.

[road]

It is best to wait 6 months after D day before life changing decisions are made for the brain needs six months to process learning that their WW had an affair.

 

 

As to a WW not wanting to reveal that latest text is normal WW fog speak. That last text could of been bad or innocent. It could of been the affair is over and WW not wanting to face what she did. And trying to protect herself while claiming she is protecting you from having to find out what really happened.

 

 

You tell her yes for the rest of her marriage with you she will have to be an open book. Fully transparent so you can verify NC and no more affairs. For WW broke the trust. The only way that the trust can be repaired is by checking up on her and find out nothing she is doing is wrong.

 

 

With time as trust gets built up the checking will be lessened as she proves herself to be trust worthy. Though the checking may never end because the blind trust of before can never be regained.

 

 

As a cup that was broken. All the pieces can be glued back together. Though the cup will not leak. At will serve well. The cracks will never disappear.

 

 

So enough trust can be restored to recover the marriage. Though the WW will always have to work to maintain that trust.

[Was_strong]

Well, do you want to or are you done with it all?

 

People sometimes do the wrong thing, realize it, and go back and say they want to say or do that thing differently. They can say, I wish I'd done this, or I wish I had said that.

 

It's your call. I can see both your position and your wife's- you've presented things that could explain her position, a credit to you.

 

Thank you for both of your posts. I'm not sure why but I feel a bit calmer now. I still feel as if I am in a maze.

 

I do understand that we as humans are greatly flawed, all of us. I do accept that humans lie and make grave errors. I'm trying to come to terms with this situation without knowing the facts.

 

I know she wants to visit me and to talk. I know that she wants to tell me more. I'm not sure I want to know.

[Realist3]

Thank you for both of your posts. I'm not sure why but I feel a bit calmer now. I still feel as if I am in a maze.

 

I do understand that we as humans are greatly flawed, all of us. I do accept that humans lie and make grave errors. I'm trying to come to terms with this situation without knowing the facts.

 

I know she wants to visit me and to talk. I know that she wants to tell me more. I'm not sure I want to know.

 

 

What is the harm in meeting with her? You already admit you don't know the whole story. Let her give her side.

[BetrayedH]

Well, do you want to or are you done with it all?

 

People sometimes do the wrong thing, realize it, and go back and say they want to say or do that thing differently. They can say, I wish I'd done this, or I wish I had said that.

 

It's your call. I can see both your position and your wife's- you've presented things that could explain her position, a credit to you.

 

I think there's some wisdom in this post. I can understand your emotional reaction to her sketchy behavior with the text. But IF there was never another man involved, I can also see her not really understanding the need for transparency. And IF was a message from Aunt Matilda about the green bean casserole for church, it'd be sad to have this episode end the marriage. Maybe she wasn't being deceptive but actually trying to be focused on you instead of her phone. And maybe she really just hasn't yet been able to grasp the impact that this has had on you enough to understand that trust really does need to be rebuilt.

 

There's a thread posted at the top of this forum, Things That Every WS Needs to Know. In it, there's a section referring to Joseph's Letter (or maybe it's Jacob - I can never remember). Anyway, it paints a good picture about why transparency is critical. For you, it's a no brainer. For you wife, it might not be.

 

If your wife is ultimately not willing to be transparent, I totally respect that being an unacceptable condition for you. But perhaps a more lengthy conversation is needed. Of course, at minimum, I'd still wanna see that text.

[BlueIris]

Thank you for both of your posts. I'm not sure why but I feel a bit calmer now. I still feel as if I am in a maze.

 

I do understand that we as humans are greatly flawed, all of us. I do accept that humans lie and make grave errors. I'm trying to come to terms with this situation without knowing the facts.

 

I know she wants to visit me and to talk. I know that she wants to tell me more. I'm not sure I want to know.

 

You’re welcome.

All I can say is, don’t pressure yourself. If you aren’t ready to talk to her, tell her that. If you’re working through what you’d want or need from her, tell her that. There’s a lot to sort through. There’s no stopwatch on you. I always remind myself, the tortoise won. I tend to be kind of hare-y.

[sandylee1]

Wailing. Begging. She loves me. She wants to come to visit me.

 

I'll be wrecked to see her. I can't. I don't know how I'll erase all this. How do I get things back to the way they were? I fear there is only pain ahead for me now.

 

For all your years of marriage, why don't you at least meet up with her and talk. Just be yourself don't be afraid to show her you're upset about the situation. At least think about explaining exactly why you walked out to her if she doesn't already know.

 

She needs to understand it's about trust. Of course if you are done with the marriage and are not prepared to discuss any of this with her, that's certainly understandable. I'm quite a proud person myself and there were times in my marriage (several years ago ) I would have left if we had another apartment.

 

I think one of the problems is that you haven't had the whole truth from her. It's kinda hard to move on from something if you are not given all the facts.

 

I realise part of you may be afraid to hear the truth and I can empathise with that.