Photos Revisited

[sandylee1]

Considering that she posted them to the Internet, it sounds like she already beat him to the punch with that one.

 

Besides, it wouldn't be much punishment anyway. Part of the whole deal is that she gets off on other people looking at her.

 

But the pics were on BDSM sites, not being sent to people she knows.

 

Getting off on people looking at, would not include friends and family.

[sandylee1]

Thank you for both of your posts. I'm not sure why but I feel a bit calmer now. I still feel as if I am in a maze.

 

I do understand that we as humans are greatly flawed, all of us. I do accept that humans lie and make grave errors. I'm trying to come to terms with this situation without knowing the facts.

 

I know she wants to visit me and to talk. I know that she wants to tell me more. I'm not sure I want to know.

 

Wow. This is pretty much what I just said in my other post. About talking to her and getting the facts, that you're probably afraid to hear.

 

I have to say the site another user mentioned can be a rather brutal at times. I'd read in the JFO (just found out) section before you even consider posting. Not everyone finds that harsh talk helpful at all and many new posters have spoken of being frightened off.

[drifter777]

But the pics were on BDSM sites, not being sent to people she knows.

 

Getting off on people looking at, would not include friends and family.

This is a bit naive. If you take a nude selfie right now and post it on a public website it will spread like wildfire to dozens of sites and thousands of people who frequent those sites within 24 hours. After that the sky is the limit. A lot could depend on how provocative your pose is - and OP's wife, by his description, looked awfully provocative. The pix she posted are residing on millions of personal computers right now and can, and eventually will, be seen by people she never thought would see them. Family and friends wouldn't get off sexually but would likely be revolted by them.

[SJS]

OP I think you need to hear your wife's side. There seems to be a lot of assuming going on, with not a lot of facts.

[autumnnight]

Yeah, I could not tell from the OP whether these pics were available to anyone, or on some kind of restricted/pay site. If the former, let 'em fly. They are already probably copied 1000x anyway.

 

Those supporting the wife seem not to care a whit about the torture the OP is enduring. I am not surprised.

 

I don't see anyone supporting what the wife did. I see people who are sticking to the FACTS that we actually know.

 

I gotta get out of here before the caveman chest beating starts...

[autumnnight]

It is best to wait 6 months after D day before life changing decisions are made for the brain needs six months to process learning that their WW had an affair.

 

 

As to a WW not wanting to reveal that latest text is normal WW fog speak. That last text could of been bad or innocent. It could of been the affair is over and WW not wanting to face what she did. And trying to protect herself while claiming she is protecting you from having to find out what really happened.

 

 

You tell her yes for the rest of her marriage with you she will have to be an open book. Fully transparent so you can verify NC and no more affairs. For WW broke the trust. The only way that the trust can be repaired is by checking up on her and find out nothing she is doing is wrong.

 

 

With time as trust gets built up the checking will be lessened as she proves herself to be trust worthy. Though the checking may never end because the blind trust of before can never be regained.

 

 

As a cup that was broken. All the pieces can be glued back together. Though the cup will not leak. At will serve well. The cracks will never disappear.

 

 

So enough trust can be restored to recover the marriage. Though the WW will always have to work to maintain that trust.

 

And let' not forget. In a REAL marriage, HE will need to be an open book too....right?

[1040]

I don't see anyone supporting what the wife did.

 

Look harder.

[HereNorThere]

I see how everyone is quick to jump to the "just talk to your wife" scenario, but what I don't understand is why they think that she would be honest with you this time when she's been so blatantly dishonest for so long.

 

Of course you are going to have to talk to her at some point, but make sure you're strong when you do it. Right now I sense that you're caving in pretty hard. Look, she's going to tell you whatever you want to hear. Her personality has already conveyed that she does whatever she wants without much regard for the rights of others. I simply do not understand why now would be any different.

 

This is where I and OP differ. I'm a scientist, my whole life is devoted to finding out the true nature of reality. I wouldn't rest until I knew every last detail of everything. I would have already had that computer forensically analyzed, everything var'd, every last text message printed out. I would do reverse image searches on those pictures until I found every site with them. I would have examined exif data on those pictures and got their geographic location/time/date and any other information they had within them. And that's just the beginning, I promise.

 

The truth is out there just waiting to be discovered and probably rather easily. He doesn't want the truth; he wants his old life back. Sadly, that's exactly what he's going to end up with if he rugsweeps this. From the looks of things, she'll have that blame shifted over to him in no time.

Edited March 4, 2015 by HereNorThere

[1040]

I am puzzled about something. Maybe the BSDM types could explain it to me.

 

If this kink lifestyle is so liberating, pleasant, interesting, enriching, enjoyable, fulfilling, and All-American, why isn't the OP's wife happy, nay ecstatic, that she can now share this wonderful new life with him?

 

Show him all the equipment, ropes, knots, gags, restraints, paddles, whatever. Show him every text and email where guys tell her what to do and what they want to do to her. Share every single picture. Put them proudly on Facebook for everyone to see. Bond over her feelings. Introduce him to her BSDM friends. They can do this together and enrich their relationship!

 

Instead she's hiding texts, guarding her phone, screaming, crying, groveling, begging for forgiveness.

 

Seems as though she somehow thinks she's done something wrong, no?

 

How to square this?

 

A bit of cognitive dissonance.

Edited March 5, 2015 by 1040

[HereNorThere]

I am puzzled about something. Maybe the BSDM types could explain it to me.

 

If this kink lifestyle is so liberating, pleasant, interesting, enriching, enjoyable, fulfilling, and All-American, why isn't the OP's wife happy, nay ecstatic, that she can now share this wonderful new life with him?

 

Show him all the equipment, ropes, knots, gags, restraints, paddles, whatever. Show him every text and email where guys tell her what to do and what they want to do to her. Share every single picture. Put them proudly on Facebook for everyone to see. Bond over her feelings. Introduce him to her BSDM friends. They can do this together and enrich their relationship!

 

Instead she's hiding texts, guarding her phone, screaming, crying, groveling, begging for forgiveness.

 

Seems as though she somehow thinks she's done something wrong, no?

 

How to square this?

 

A bit of cognitive dissonance.

 

EXACTLY! No one would go to lengths if they weren't hiding something monumental.

[drifter777]

...

The truth is out there just waiting to be discovered and probably rather easily. He doesn't want the truth; he wants his old life back. Sadly, that's exactly what he's going to end up with if he rugsweeps this. From the looks of things, she'll have that blame shifted over to him in no time.

What BH didn't have this feeling - especially in the early days? And, yes, the temptation - hell, the urge to rugsweep can be pretty overpowering. We, the experienced BH's, we understand the futility of wishing it never happened and forcing "time will heal my wounds" down our throats. We know, for a certainty, that if you don't face this thing now that two things will likely happen: she'll do it again and/or you will collapse under the weight of her betrayal at some time. And when you rugsweep it, you don't get to pick the time.

[drifter777]

I am puzzled about something. Maybe the BSDM types could explain it to me.

 

If this kink lifestyle is so liberating, pleasant, interesting, enriching, enjoyable, fulfilling, and All-American, why isn't the OP's wife happy, nay ecstatic, that she can now share this wonderful new life with him?

 

Show him all the equipment, ropes, knots, gags, restraints, paddles, whatever. Show him every text and email where guys tell her what to do and what they want to do to her. Share every single picture. Put them proudly on Facebook for everyone to see. Bond over her feelings. Introduce him to her BSDM friends. They can do this together and enrich their relationship!

 

Instead she's hiding texts, guarding her phone, screaming, crying, groveling, begging for forgiveness.

 

Seems as though she somehow thinks she's done something wrong, no?

 

How to square this?

 

A bit of cognitive dissonance.

In my humble opinion the answer to this is the same as the answer to the "why did she cheat" question.

 

Because it was exciting, it was fun, and it felt sooo good!

 

The naughtiness of the whole thing - bondage, posting pictures, maybe something physical - the whole thing was just so wonderful and so much fun that the thought of bringing him in to her world was like a turd in the punchbowl. Its always sad and sobering when real life intrudes on your fantasy world.

[SJS]

I am puzzled about something. Maybe the BSDM types could explain it to me.

 

If this kink lifestyle is so liberating, pleasant, interesting, enriching, enjoyable, fulfilling, and All-American, why isn't the OP's wife happy, nay ecstatic, that she can now share this wonderful new life with him?

 

Show him all the equipment, ropes, knots, gags, restraints, paddles, whatever. Show him every text and email where guys tell her what to do and what they want to do to her. Share every single picture. Put them proudly on Facebook for everyone to see. Bond over her feelings. Introduce him to her BSDM friends. They can do this together and enrich their relationship!

 

Instead she's hiding texts, guarding her phone, screaming, crying, groveling, begging for forgiveness.

 

Seems as though she somehow thinks she's done something wrong, no?

 

How to square this?

 

A bit of cognitive dissonance.

IMO she wasn't hiding texts. She never said NO that he couldn't see her phone. That would've been a good opportunity for him to say he needs transparency but instead he chose to walk. It's actions like that which helped get him to where he is right now.

[HereNorThere]

IMO she wasn't hiding texts. She never said NO that he couldn't see her phone. That would've been a good opportunity for him to say he needs transparency but instead he chose to walk. It's actions like that which helped get him to where he is right now.

 

 

The problem is that you aren't giving this incident any context. If she hadn't just been caught cheating (yes, letting someone take indecent photos of you and posting them on the internets is cheating), lying and their marriage wasn't on the brink of collapse, you might have a leg to stand on with that rationalization. It's the entirety of her behavior, state of the marriage, her lack of empathy, her lack of trying to rebuild trust and like OP said, "the look on her face" that gives the text message significance.

 

Also, OP already discussed transparency and the phone in a previous post, so she was well aware of his need for these things.

[SJS]

The problem is that you aren't giving this incident any context. If she hadn't just been caught cheating (yes, letting someone take indecent photos of you and posting them on the internets is cheating), lying and their marriage wasn't on the brink of collapse, you might have a leg to stand on with that rationalization. It's the entirety of her behavior, state of the marriage, her lack of empathy, her lack of trying to rebuild trust and like OP said, "the look on her face" that gives the text message significance.

 

Also, OP already discussed transparency and the phone in a previous post, so she was well aware of his need for these things.

I missed where he actually said someone else took the photos? I also missed where she actually admitted there was someone else? I'm having trouble as well finding where he said they actually discussed transparency. He's not telling us all of the story. You ASSUME that someone else took the pictures, but she could've set the timer on her phone/camera. He said the photos were indecent, but what's indecent? He never went into detail. He gets all dramatic and then logs off because he can't handle it. For all we know it could've been a pic of her in a leather bustier with a mask on. We have no idea. We do know that she did not feel safe sharing her fantasies with him and felt awful when he found out. And we know that there are huge chunks of info missing.

[1040]

IMO she wasn't hiding texts. She never said NO that he couldn't see her phone. That would've been a good opportunity for him to say he needs transparency but instead he chose to walk.

 

I heard the familiar "text" sound from my wife's phone.

 

She didn't even flinch. My instinct would have been to immediately look to see who or what it was. "Aren't you going to look at it?" I asked. Her reply. "I get so many texts now, I don't want you to feel ignored while I'm with you."

 

"May I please see your phone? I coolly asked.

 

Is something wrong? Have I done something? She meekly asked.

 

Hand me your phone.

 

"Is this the way we are going to live our lives? No trust? We just had a wonderful morning and you are spoiling it."

 

I stood up, grabbed my jacket and walked out.

 

She does not literally say "No, you can't see it." But she does not hand it over, either, after a direct request and starts giving him snarky attitude. So, yeah, she refused to let him see the text(s) and they are thus hidden from him. I suppose he could have tried to grab it, but what's the point? Or he could have gotten into some sort of discussion/negotiation. But why? He knows all he needs to.

[autumnnight]

She deceived and betrayed him. Defensiveness about her phone is out of line.

 

However, I'm getting sick of the D/s digs. You dont get it? Fine. That's not really the point.

 

And it doesn't matter who took the pictures. They were intimate. They were secret from her husband while shared with others. Wrong. Period.

[SJS]

She does not literally say "No, you can't see it." But she does not hand it over, either, after a direct request and starts giving him snarky attitude. So, yeah, she refused to let him see the text(s) and they are thus hidden from him. I suppose he could have tried to grab it, but what's the point? Or he could have gotten into some sort of discussion/negotiation. But why? He knows all he needs to.

How did he ask? Was the phone in her pocket or in the other room? I didn't hear snarkiness in her voice...she even said they had a nice morning and she didn't want to take time away from him.

 

 

I think he made a hasty decision.

[HereNorThere]

How did he ask? Was the phone in her pocket or in the other room? I didn't hear snarkiness in her voice...she even said they had a nice morning and she didn't want to take time away from him.

 

 

I think he made a hasty decision.

 

You would make a fine attorney!

 

These are all just technicalities. Yes, she could have used a selfie timer to take the pictures, but she posted them on a public forum where people were commenting on them. Maybe she wasn't snarky, maybe the phone was in a different room.

 

Better yet, maybe her battery was low? Maybe she was near her monthly data limit and didn't want to go over? Maybe she was in the process of buying OP a pony and didn't want to ruin the surprise. Instead of a divorce, she really just wanted to buy him a pony. The whole posting posting of hard core BDSM pictures, buying sex toys, lying, etc. was all just an elaborate ruse to hide the pony.

 

Umm hmm, I'm with you.

[SJS]

Oh-gee....I can see you're being snarky. Again, there's so much missing that I wouldn't have jumped the gun so quick.

[violet1]

She deceived and betrayed him. Defensiveness about her phone is out of line.

 

However, I'm getting sick of the D/s digs. You dont get it? Fine. That's not really the point.

 

And it doesn't matter who took the pictures. They were intimate. They were secret from her husband while shared with others. Wrong. Period.

I agree the secrets were wrong. However, I feel like the OP is letting his pride get in the way a bit here. He mentioned in his other thread that he had made some not so nice comments about the whole bondage scene. That right there is enough to make the W feel uncomfortable about discussing her fantasies with him. Maybe she was afraid of him judging her?

 

 

OP, you stated that you don't believe she cheated as in meeting with someone. I think what she did was inappropriate and a form of betrayal. Unless she was talking to other men and making plans, I'm sorry but I don't see it as cheating per se. You stated that you still love and only want her. It breaks your heart that your son reacted the way he did. Why not try marriage counseling before you throw in the towel?

 

 

From what you posted, I believe your M can be fixed. Why not try? Is it your ego that can't take it? Reluctant to give her phone to you doesn't necessarily mean she's doing something wrong. I personally hate it when my H demands to see my phone even if it's just a text from my brother. I don't like it when people demand things from me. It makes me feel like I'm being treated as inferior. Maybe your wife is similar in that aspect. I don't know, maybe I'm old fashioned, but I just don't agree in throwing the divorce card when there's a problem without trying to fix it first. What's it going to hurt in hearing what she has to say? Hell, the two of you have a child together. Why avoid her? I wish you the best, but I can't help but feel like you're jumping the gun a little.

[violet1]

Oh-gee....I can see you're being snarky. Again, there's so much missing that I wouldn't have jumped the gun so quick.

Exactly! Well said...It's sad so many here assume the worst in every little situation. I would be a nervous wreck if I lived that way. OMG! She didn't immediately hand over her phone so she must be up to no good. Men commented on her pics so she must have been planning on some big orgy locked in chains at a dungeon. It sounds ridiculous doesn't it? It's all speculation because the OP hasn't given us enough information.

[autumnnight]

Exactly! Well said...It's sad so many here assume the worst in every little situation. I would be a nervous wreck if I lived that way. OMG! She didn't immediately hand over her phone so she must be up to no good. Men commented on her pics so she must have been planning on some big orgy locked in chains at a dungeon. It sounds ridiculous doesn't it? It's all speculation because the OP hasn't given us enough information.

 

The reason people do this is because of the pain they suffered and have not healed from. It may not be healthy all the time, but I do understand it. One of the ways of coping with being betrayed by a man or a woman is to assume the worst of all of them because it protects us. It is hard to keep an eye on facts and maintain distance when the topic is so personal and potentially painful,

[oldshirt]

I have to agree with the OP, if she gets a text and does not let him see it, acts like she has some rights to privacy only 1 week after screwing other guys in some sex dungeon, then she did not get the memo!

 

 

 

 

 

There has been nothing indication there was ever any emotional or physical infidelity with another person.

 

From what I remember on the old thread, she posted pictures on a website and people had commented on the pictures. There was nothing that indicated there was ever any form of OM.

 

There was never a word about screwing other people in a dungeon or any kind of screwing for that matter.

[aliveagain]

Was_strong, were the photo's self taken or were they taken by someone else? Regardless they are both a form of cheating. Who knows how many men and women have downloaded her pictures, they are out there forever and may come back and hurt your family and your business one day. How many of her friends know about her secret lifestyle?

 

What ever you decide you do need to have a face to face meeting. Should you decide to try again please have your demands ready and they are clearly stated including the need to recover all her deleted texts and photo's. No more secret life, if she can't do it in front of you she shouldn't be doing it.