Photos Revisited

[1040]

Oldshirt ,

 

It's fear of what he will find out. He doesn't know if he can deal with the truth.

 

And it looks like she won't let him find out.

 

"Is this how our lives are going to be forever…"?

 

How can he ever move on? The images in his head must be crippling him. He has not been here for a while; hope he is OK.

[HereNorThere]

fan·ta·sy

ˈfan(t)əsē/

noun

1.

the faculty or activity of imagining things, especially things that are impossible or improbable.

 

 

You dress up, have a "friend" take explicit pictures (that your partner doesn't approve of) and spank you, post said pictures to the public interwebs forum, buy and hide sex toys from your partner, etc. etc.

 

That's no longer a fantasy, it's real now.

[violet1]

The only picture he described in detailed was a fully clothed one of her, while her female friend play spanked her. Maybe I'm wrong, but I thought he stated too that her face wasn't in the pics. He also said that there was no conversation with anyone else as far as he could see, but simply others commenting on the pics. He also stated that she had expressed opinions about the BDSM lifestyle in the past and he had ridiculed people with interests in that.

 

If he had ridiculed others, how was she ever supposed to come to him and say that she herself was interested? I can't imagine how ashamed she must have felt when he found those pics, knowing his opinion on other people in that lifestyle.

This is how I feel. If my H had ridiculed things that I was curious or fantasized about, there's no way in hell I would tell him. I wouldn't want my H to think less of me. Luckily, I don't have any fantasies he would be ashamed of. I really think there's power struggles and miscommunication in the OP's situation. I'm hoping the OP will come back and share his thoughts.

[sandylee1]

And it looks like she won't let him find out.

 

"Is this how our lives are going to be forever…"?

 

How can he ever move on? The images in his head must be crippling him. He has not been here for a while; hope he is OK.

 

She wants to talk to him now, but he's not quite ready.

 

I have to say that everyone has their own dealbreaker. For some spouses, the photos on their own would be the end of the marriage.

 

I honestly don't know if my marriage could survive that. My H would likely see it as something so wrong and loose any and all trust in me. So regardless of whether people view it as cheating or otherwise, it is in my opinion enough to cause irreparable damage.

 

Equally if I saw highly inappropriate photos of my H, posted to a website, I would be devastated. It's all about trust and if I'd been deceived like this, who knows what he could be capable of.

 

OP may be having similar thoughts.

[oldshirt]

Oldshirt ,

 

It's fear of what he will find out. He doesn't know if he can deal with the truth.

 

I don't think it's that. I think he wants out and is using this as his reason to leave.

 

Go to some of the other threads to see people in denial and paralyzed with fear of what they may find with some digging. He doesn't appear anything like them.

 

By his own admission, she probably would've handed him the phone if he pressed a little more. He simply didn't want to because he already had everything he needed.

 

If he's afraid of anything on the phone, he's afraid it was her Aunt Matilda texting about the casserole. If it turned out that's who it was, then he wouldn't have a reason to walk. I think that was his real fear.

 

Was her behavior suspicious? Yes it was. And that is all he needed.

 

And I think she knew that is all he needed.

[elaine567]

the only thing we know for sure is there were some nonnude pics on some kind of bdsm site (we never even got an answer if it was some kind of hook-up site or just a pic sharing site) and that she didn't immediately hand over a txt and she asked if he going to distrust her in the future.

 

That's all we have to go on.

 

All the talk of cheating and double lives and bdsm lifestyles and bondage orgies etc are pure speculation at this point. They may or may not be accurate but it is all speculations and extrapolations.

 

^^^^ this ^^^^

[oldshirt]

 

Was her behavior suspicious? Yes it was. And that is all he needed.

 

And I think she knew that is all he needed.

 

I don't mean that as she intended to chase him away. I mean that as she knew that eventually she would say or do something that would cause him to leave no matter what she did anyway so she might as while have some fun in the process.

 

The whole exchange over the phone was resignation on her part.

[HereNorThere]

Yes. Those people that visited the BDSM website may recognize her . Unless people have an interest in it, they aren't going to stumble on these pictures.

 

If you recognise your next door neighbour in a Porn movie, you kind of have to own the fact that you're into it. I don't see many people readily admitting to visiting the website.

 

You do realize that nearly 100% of men have looked at porn, right? I'm not into BDSM at all, but that doesn't mean it doesn't pop up your browser. Maybe one of her son's friends comes across it, maybe her son, boss, pastor, etc.

 

I'm not making this 100% stat up either. Seriously, they have a hard time even studying males that have never been exposed to it because they simply don't exist.

 

Ever heard of sextortion? All she has to do is make ONE enemy on one of her hardcore forums and he could potentially blackmail her with the photos, especially if her face is shown. This is happening at an alarming rate on the internet, look it up. Sadly, most people pay the ransom or end up doing sexual favors instead of going to police.

[aliveagain]

I do not judge people for their personal likes or dislikes, I do judge people for hiding it from their spouses. If you have to keep something this big from the number 1 person in your life than there is something wrong in what you perceive as good boundaries. If you want to live an alternative lifestyle shouldn't you tell your spouse so he doesn't have to find it out by accident on a spank me beat me site?

[HereNorThere]

The only thing we know for sure is there were some nonnude pics on some kind of BDSM site (we never even got an answer if it was some kind of hook-up site or just a pic sharing site) and that she didn't immediately hand over a txt and she asked if he going to distrust her in the future.

 

That's all we have to go on.

 

 

It's not though. There's a laundry list of things red flags throughout the post:

 

Deceptively posting lewd pictures to a public BDSM forum that her husband found to be pretty shocking to say the least (didn't confess them, he had to search)

 

Hiding stash of toys from husband (didn't confess them, he had to search)

 

Two secret email accounts started months ago (didn't confess them, he had to search)

 

Visiting hardcore BDSM sites regularly (didn't confess them, he had to search)

 

She admitted to having strong fantasies of having sex with other men , them being in VERY dominant positions (finally, some sort of confession)

 

She admits that she considered cheating him (that would be pretty hurtful without all the other stuff)

 

She is an exhibitionist (she confessed this - Post 112 on other thread) Btw - Exhibitionism requires other people. You don't exhibit yourself to yourself.

 

Said her "friends" accused him of cheating on her. (very popular WS tactic on this forum)

 

Used manipulative gas-lighting when he asked to see her phone. (yet another very popular WS tactic on this forum)

 

If the only thing I had to do keep my partner from leaving me after I dumped such a monumental betrayal on her was to let her see my phone, of course I would let her see my phone. That's a no brainer.

 

I mean, unless there's something on the phone... duh

 

Where the hell is her empathy, compassion, etc? You just told your husband you considered cheating on him and you wonder why your lack of transparency would hurt him? Seriously? You let him walk out the door without handing over the phone?

 

And to the posters who keep trying to accuse OP of already wanting to leave, are we even reading the same thread(s)? This guy is DEVASTATED! He'd chew of his hand to get his old life back. Shame on you for victim blaming.

[autumnnight]

I guess we all have different opinions of cheating. A betrayal is not necessarily cheating in my book. I share some intimate things with my sister (non sexual ) that I may not share with my H, that doesn't mean I'm cheating. At least not in my book.

 

Oh come on. You know that is not the same thing. Nobody is that naive.

[drifter777]

No, common sense doesn't tell you that. Why is it so hard to believe that she could be completely honest in this case? Are all of you really so bitter and scorned?

 

Have you ever been to a fet site? A legitimate one, like Fetlife? Have you ever had a fantasy in your life? She couldn't share it with him. He'd already told her his opinion on people with that fantasy. And YES, you can do BDSM with one person. It's funny how many of you equate BDSM with sex, when 90% of the time, it has nothing to do with that.

Are you really this naive?

 

And, no - you cannot "do" BDSM alone. You can't be a Dom without a sub or a sub without a Dom. And yes, a Dom/sub relationship is much more than sex - but its based on sex. They never would have met without sex as the catalyst.

 

OP mentioned that she told him she was an exhibitionist, but I'm pretty sure he figured that part out on his own when he saw her pictures. The other thing OP said in his initial post about this whole thing is:

 

The photos that she posted are so explicit that I almost cannot believe that she did this of her own volition.

 

So this leaves us all trying to apply logic circumstantial evidence (as it relates to her having sex with OM) and guess just what she did. OP hasn't been much help enlightening us with additional evidence.

[sandylee1]

Are you really this naive?

 

And, no - you cannot "do" BDSM alone. You can't be a Dom without a sub or a sub without a Dom. The other thing OP said in his initial post about this whole thing is:

 

The photos that she posted are so explicit that I almost cannot believe that she did this of her own volition.

 

I took this to mean, he couldn't believe she would post these pics without another person's influence. As in she wouldn't have come up with the idea herself.

 

This doesn't necessarily mean there is an OM, but it's not totally unreasonable to think there is more than just the pictures. I'm just not running wild with the dungeons stuff.

[elaine567]

This doesn't necessarily mean there is an OM, but it's not totally unreasonable to think there is more than just the pictures. I'm just not running wild with the dungeons stuff.

 

I have not seen any evidence in what the OP wrote, to assume there is an OM. She admitted to having fantasies about other men, but that doesn't necessarily prove she has an OM. I would guess most women, if they were truthful, have fantasies about other men.

Edited March 5, 2015 by elaine567

[oldshirt]

 

And to the posters who keep trying to accuse OP of already wanting to leave, are we even reading the same thread(s)? This guy is DEVASTATED! He'd chew of his hand to get his old life back. Shame on you for victim blaming.

 

I'm not blaming any victims. I'm not sure th,ere even is any victims or perpetrators here.

 

Go back and read through every single one of his posts. He writes very flowing, romance novel-like prose that's almost theatrical in its descriptions of his heartache and despair. It's the stuff romance novels.

 

Now look at what he has done since his happenstance and discovery of the photos and emails.

 

Here is what he has done since the discovery - he looked through some stuff and found some whips and chains. And he asked her about it when she got home.

 

She cried and confessed to photos and having various feelings. (Disturbing feelings for sure but that leads me to my next point -)

 

What has he done since then?

 

......nothing.

 

 

- NOT only did he not do any further looking into her computers ers, phone, emails etc, he said that he would not.

 

-He did not demand full disclosure or transparency.

 

- He did not make any ultimatum s or threats of divorce or demands of transparency "or else" (There for can we really condem her for not handing over the phone if he's never asked for transparency in the first place?)

 

- He didn't hire a PI or stash VAR S or go through phone records (he said he wouldn't)

 

- He didn't demand STD screening.

 

- I can't even come up with a post where he asked her to not send any More pictures to BDSM sites or not to have sex with other men.

 

Now let's fast forward to now. Now what have his actions been?

 

- He got up and left when she hesitated in handing over her phone and asked if he had trust issues.

 

- He hasn't responded to any of hundreds of texts and phone calls from his W and hasn't responded to any of her friends offers of 3rd party messaging.

 

That is a list of what he has done since his heart was broken by this situation.

 

The time I have spent here on LS has taught me that people,s actions say everything and their words say nothing.

 

So you all tell me, are these the actions a handsome, fit, successful man of means and power takes when the woman he loves and wants to be with breaks his heart???

 

Is this typical of the countless men we have seen that have concerns of their wife's behaviors????

 

Everyone go back and read JUST THE OP' S POSTS in sequence from the beginning and do NOT read any of our posts or discussions.

 

You are reading a storybook tale. You are reading a dime store romance novel.

 

On the chance this is at all real. It's not a brokenhearted man desperate for advice on how to save his marriage and deal with a potential infidelity.

 

At best it is a guy wanting to leave his wife and coming up with a great backstory to justify it.

[elaine567]

Or he is just a very private person with a lot of rigid rules who is so disappointed in his wife that he cannot see any way to forgive her.

He seems to see delving deep to ascertain the truth as beneath him. She has committed the sin of deceiving him in an abhorrent way, so nothing more to say.

He has made his decision to leave, hard may it be, but there is no going back, so no need to upset himself any further, by raking the dirt. She is in effect dead to him

 

I have a feeling that this is an example of British stiff upper lip. I guess he most likely developed this personality and way of dealing with things, at boarding school, from his family and from the military.

[1040]

Yeah, it's all his fault. Bastard.

[HereNorThere]

Are you sure that you read his other thread? You seem to be missing about 75% of his story.

 

I'm not blaming any victims. I'm not sure th,ere even is any victims or perpetrators here.

 

 

What has he done since then?

 

......nothing.

 

 

- NOT only did he not do any further looking into her computers ers, phone, emails etc, he said that he would not.

 

he clearly stated that he went to her computer and looked at the cookies to find the extra email accounts that he did not know about as well as other hard-core sites. He also asked to look at her phone and in her defense, she complied the first time.

 

-He did not demand full disclosure or transparency. Unless you count begging for the truth, asking to see her phone multiple times, getting her to confess that she is "considering cheating" and living a double sex life

 

- He did not make any ultimatum s or threats of divorce or demands of transparency "or else" (There for can we really condem her for not handing over the phone if he's never asked for transparency in the first place?)

Again, he asked and received the phone before and when she didn't comply the second time, he threatened her with divorce.

 

- He didn't hire a PI or stash VAR S or go through phone records (he said he wouldn't) He's still shock and most people never have to do with this sort of thing. I'm sure most people don't even know what a var is

 

- He didn't demand STD screening. kinda hard to demand an std test when they won't even admit to cheating. A little early for that ultimatum. Plus, this isn't something the average married old man even considers.

 

- I can't even come up with a post where he asked her to not send any More pictures to BDSM sites or not to have sex with other men.That's because you aren't reading the first thread. They went to the site and took the pictures down together and had talks where she accused him of cheating, admitted she has considered cheating and fantasies about men in the BDSM lifestyle

 

Now let's fast forward to now. Now what have his actions been?

 

- He got up and left when she hesitated in handing over her phone and asked if he had trust issues. He's asked and been granted access to the before, so why does she have issue this time?

 

- He hasn't responded to any of hundreds of texts and phone calls from his W and hasn't responded to any of her friends offers of 3rd party messaging. GOOD, he shouldn't.

 

That is a list of what he has done since his heart was broken by this situation.

 

The time I have spent here on LS has taught me that people,s actions say everything and their words say nothing.

 

So you all tell me, are these the actions a handsome, fit, successful man of means and power takes when the woman he loves and wants to be with breaks his heart???

 

Hell yes. He's actually displayed more boundaries and strength than half the posters here, no doubt.

 

Is this typical of the countless men we have seen that have concerns of their wife's behaviors????

 

Yeah, pretty typical. Denial, grief, anger, etc.

Edited March 6, 2015 by HereNorThere

[Rainbowlove]

Where is the OP?

 

He comes in, drops some clues, feeds the frenzy, then vanishes...

[HereNorThere]

Where is the OP?

 

He comes in, drops some clues, feeds the frenzy, then vanishes...

 

Let's just hope he's not locked up in OM(s)s dungeon.

 

But yeah, some people have jobs that monitor their internet usage, etc. so there's no telling. If he is a troll, I hope he at least makes the story a little more juicy. I can't imagine someone trolling with such an incomplete, almost boring post.

Edited March 6, 2015 by HereNorThere

[William]

As a general reminder, posts are to address the topic and there is no requirement that thread starters respond to all or any postings in a thread. There are thousands of threads on our site to engage in discussion. Moderation encourages members to post where they feel they are most productive.

 

Suffice to say the thread starter is reading responses. Continue to address the topic. Thanks!

[oldshirt]

Responses underlined below.

 

 

Are you sure that you read his other thread? You seem to be missing about 75% of his story.

 

I did read the other thread. Every post.

 

 

- NOT only did he not do any further looking into her computers ers, phone, emails etc, he said that he would not.

 

he clearly stated that he went to her computer and looked at the cookies to find the extra email accounts that he did not know about as well as other hard-core sites. He also asked to look at her phone and in her defense, she complied the first time.

 

 

Yes, he states he looked through the computer and storage boxes when he discovered the photos. I realize that. I am talking about what he has (or not) done since that day.

 

-He did not demand full disclosure or transparency. Unless you count begging for the truth, asking to see her phone multiple times, getting her to confess that she is "considering cheating" and living a double sex life

 

 

The devil is in the details here. Look back through old posts and tell me where he says that he had any difficulty getting any information out of her. He confronted her when she got home and she fessed up to a lot of stuff. He didn't say anything about begging or threatening or demanding etc etc he asked and she told him

I also haven't come across anything suggesting asking to see her phone multiple times. He asked once when she got home and she handed it over. He asked another time in the new thread and she came up with some lame excuse. He asked again and she asked about the trust issue and then he left.

That's 3 times over the course of this saga in two separate incidents.

 

- He did not make any ultimatum s or threats of divorce or demands of transparency "or else" (There for can we really condem her for not handing over the phone if he's never asked for transparency in the first place?)

Again, he asked and received the phone before and when she didn't comply the second time, he threatened her with divorce.

 

 

I have not come across one post where he has threatened her with divorce. I could have missed it so please point out the post he threatened her with divorce if she did not comply with a request of transparency.

 

 

He has stated to us that he would divorce her if he found certain elements to be true, but I haven't seen anything where he has even mentioned the word to her.

I may have missed it though so please direct me to the post where he has threatened her with any definitive action if she does not comply with something.

 

- iddn't hire a PI or stash VAR S or go through phone records (he said he wouldn't) He's still shock and most people never have to do with this sort of thing. I'm sure most people don't even know what a var is

 

 

Understood. I agree with you in it's technicality. However weigh that against the rest of the story. He words of heartache and despair and his descriptions of how successful and resourceful and how much he loves his wife are not in congruency with his actions.

 

My point is not that not hiring a PI is suspect but rather just a point of lack of affirmative action being taken to address a potentially volatile and explosive situation.

 

 

- He didn't demand STD screening. kinda hard to demand an std test when they won't even admit to cheating. A little early for that ultimatum. Plus, this isn't something the average married old man even considers.

 

Again just another grain of sand is the desert of suspicion . He talks of having sex with her without a word of concern that perhaps STDs may be concern.

 

- I can't even come up with a post where he asked her to not send any More pictures to BDSM sites or not to have sex with other men.That's because you aren't reading the first thread. They went to the site and took the pictures down together and had talks where she accused him of cheating, admitted she has considered cheating and fantasies about men in the BDSM lifestyle

 

 

 

You may have missed my point. Yes he says the pics were taken down. Her interests of BDSM are the topic of this situation so her fantasies are obvious. All women have had to confront the possibilities of cheating at some point and all women have various degrees of fantasies of other men. Might as well say she admitted to breathing.

 

The point of her saying her friends have wondered if he would cheat on her is an interesting point. I'm just not sure what to make of it.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Now let's fast forward to now. Now what have his actions been?

 

- He got up and left when she hesitated in handing over her phone and asked if he had trust issues. He's asked and been granted access to the before, so why does she have issue this time?

 

That's a very good question. Part of my suspicions is his lack of interest in finding that out.

 

- He hasn't responded to any of hundreds of texts and phone calls from his W and hasn't responded to any of her friends offers of 3rd party messaging. GOOD, he shouldn't.

 

But he's going to have to. They are legally married, they will have to come to the negotiating table to address the division of property and assets. Whether he wants to remain married to her or have any kind of personal relationship with her is his prerogative.

 

 

That is a list of what he has done since his heart was broken by this situation.

 

The time I have spent here on LS has taught me that people,s actions say everything and their words say nothing.

 

So you all tell me, are these the actions a handsome, fit, successful man of means and power takes when the woman he loves and wants to be with breaks his heart???

 

Hell yes. He's actually displayed more boundaries and strength than half the posters here, no doubt.

 

 

Boundaries and strength or an agenda?????? That is what remains to be seen.

Boundaries is saying, "if I catch you in contact with OM again, I will file for divorce." Strength is actually doing it.

I have seen no threats from him to her (he told us he would, but no word of if he has ever said that to her) that he would leave if she didn't comply with his demands. For that matter, he hasn't said anything about giving her ANY demands or boundaries.

 

Is this typical of the countless men we have seen that have concerns of their wife's behaviors????

 

Yeah, pretty typical. Denial, grief, anger, etc.

 

 

I don't think so. Denial is represented well in Averygoodman's threads about his wife's deeply entrenched affair and him thinking that they are on the road to recovery even though she can barely look at him.

There's nothing stated here that shows that there ever has been any infidelity at all in the first place. He admits he knows about the pictures and is pissed about them. She hasn't denied, he hasn't denied it. I see no denial.

Grief - yes, but I'm not sure about exactly what yet....that she likes bondage fantasies?? The pictures???

Anger - yes probably some of that too but what is it directed at?

His words didn't protray anger to me when he left. In fact, in several posts he has made a special effort to point out how calm, cool and collected he is.

Perhaps British anger is manifested a lot differently than American anger.

 

 

[oldshirt]

responses in bold below.

 

 

Or he is just a very private person with a lot of rigid rules who is so disappointed in his wife that he cannot see any way to forgive her.

He seems to see delving deep to ascertain the truth as beneath him. She has committed the sin of deceiving him in an abhorrent way, so nothing more to say.

 

 

That's a good way to put that.

 

 

He has made his decision to leave, hard may it be, but there is no going back, so no need to upset himself any further, by raking the dirt. She is in effect dead to him

 

 

But he got a good shag out of the deal the morning of the phone incident didn't he. Like I have said previously, the straw that broke the camel's back.

I just have the feeling that the camel has been loaded down waiting for that perfect straw for a lot longer than is being let on here.

 

I have a feeling that this is an example of British stiff upper lip. I guess he most likely developed this personality and way of dealing with things, at boarding school, from his family and from the military.

 

 

I'm not sure if any of you are old enough to remember the '80s TV show 'Magnum PI' but I am now picturing the character 'Higgins' finding out his wife is into BDSM. You may be on to something here LOL

 

 

 

 

[Spectre]

Good God people, this is NOT rocket science. This woman cheats via posting nude photos of herself online behind her husbands back. That right there is grounds for divorce and kicking her out of his life. He decides not to? Okay then, but then she gets a text and he asks to see it and then she starts WHINING about it? Yeah, he walked out and he did the right thing in doing so.

 

Some very very hopelessly ignorant soul made a post to this thread acting like the wife was the victim here for having to put up with that, but nope: the text could of been from another man or it could of been from little sally next door asking to sell more girl scout cookies. It could of been the friggin president. It doesn't matter WHO it was, what matters is she didn't give the phone over when asked to do so. Sorry, you do what she did? You give your phone over no questions asked. I don't care if you just had sex, the sex didn't erase from existence your cheating. The fact that she even thought anywhere near enough time had passed to where you could trust her again just shows how out of touch with reality she really was.

 

But seriously, if I was there when you walked out of the room like a BOSS when she wouldn't answer you about that text..I would of started a friggin slow clap for you.

Edited March 6, 2015 by Spectre