Photos Revisited

[oldshirt]

Deep down were you hoping that some day there would be a reason you could use to leave her and move on?

 

You haven't addressed my question. Are you simply wanting to move on to another chapter in your life?

 

You talk about how hot you are and how many women desire you and how your wife had said from the beginning that she wouldn't be able to hold on to you forever.

 

Is this simply coming to fruition?

 

Sometimes people want a shiny, new car with fewer miles and that new car smell but their current car is running just fine so they try to suppress the urge to get a new car simply because the want one.

 

Then one day the 'check engine' light comes on and that's all it takes and they drive it into dealership and drive away with a shiny new car a couple hours later when all their old car needed was a $20 filter replaced.

 

Yes you wife shouldn't have posted bondage pictures on a website without your foreknowledge and consent but how much investigating did you do to determine if she just posted a few pictures for some kicks vs if she was having any kind of affair or leading any kind of unacceptable double life?

 

Do you simply just want to move on and are using the justification of the check engine light as the reason to move on without having it checked out to determine if the engine is blown vs just needing a $20 filter replaced?

[violet1]

Was_strong, were the photo's self taken or were they taken by someone else? Regardless they are both a form of cheating. Who knows how many men and women have downloaded her pictures, they are out there forever and may come back and hurt your family and your business one day. How many of her friends know about her secret lifestyle?

 

What ever you decide you do need to have a face to face meeting. Should you decide to try again please have your demands ready and they are clearly stated including the need to recover all her deleted texts and photo's. No more secret life, if she can't do it in front of you she shouldn't be doing it.

I'm not trying to cause an argument, but why do you see what she did as cheating? IMO, cheating is defined as getting physically or emotionally involved with another person. I agree that what she did was wrong and a form of betrayal. Her behavior if it had continued could have led to an affair, but it didn't. Secrets, no matter what they might be aren't healthy in a marriage. In his other thread I thought he stated that her face wasn't in the pics and it was only comments. No actual conversations with other men. I think there are major communication issues and possible power struggles, but not actual cheating. I'm not saying he wasn't hurt and betrayed, but thankfully the W wasn't emotionally or physically involved with another. This is why I think his M can be saved *if* it's what the he wants.

[oldshirt]

 

Sometimes people want a shiny, new car with fewer miles and that new car smell but their current car is running just fine so they try to suppress the urge to get a new car simply because the want one.

 

Then one day the 'check engine' light comes on and that's all it takes and they drive it into dealership and drive away with a shiny new car a couple hours later when all their old car needed was a $20 filter replaced.

 

IMHO the pictures were a 'check engine' light.

 

A check engine light could mean that the engine is ready to blow up in a spectacular fireball on the road or it could mean the gas cap needs to be tightened down tighter.

 

In order for it to be determined if there is some kind of catastrophic failure taking place vs some kind of simple and inexpensive fix, it needs to have a qualified evaluation and assessment to determine the condition of the vehicle and formulate a corrective action.

 

People talk about boundaries and boundaries are critical. But there is a difference between saying you aren't going to accept driving a car that could blow up any moment and you are willing to budget $1000 to keep a ten year old car on the road vs leaving a car with the engine light on sitting alongside the road and getting a new one without first determining what the light really means.

 

I'm getting the hunch he simply wants a new car and is using the check engine light as the straw that breaks the camels back.

 

I'm not saying that is either right nor wrong, just that is what is taking place.

 

I think she simply called the ball on this one. I think she has known he was going to walk eventually all along. Her comment when he asked for the phone was simply her acknowledgement of the inevitable. This is like the final scene in the movie "The Departed" when Matt Damon walks into his apartment with a bag of groceries and finds Mark Walberg in a tyvec suit and a gun and says, " so this is how it's going to be?" And Walberg says yes and shoots him dead.

 

I think the irony here is its really more about the OP's unmet desires and his wanderlust rather than her' s. This would be a salvageable situation if wanted to salvage it. If he's the king, it's within his power. The king just has other plans.

[oldshirt]

. This is why I think his M can be saved *if* it's what the he wants.

 

We were cross posting at the same time. This is my belief as well. I think it is him that wants out, not her. He could easily fix this if he wanted.

 

.....he doesn't want to though.

 

If it hadn't been the pictures and the txt, it would've been some other infraction.

 

 

He's using all the "kick-the-cheating-ho-out!" rhetoric as a protein and energy boost drink.

 

 

I don't have a dog in this fight and don't really care if they stay together or not.

 

All I can say is if he wants out, just say he wants out and make the divorce as fair, amicable and easy on all the players as possible. No need to rub her nose in the mud any more than necessary.

[autumnnight]

I'm not trying to cause an argument, but why do you see what she did as cheating? IMO, cheating is defined as getting physically or emotionally involved with another person. I agree that what she did was wrong and a form of betrayal. Her behavior if it had continued could have led to an affair, but it didn't. Secrets, no matter what they might be aren't healthy in a marriage. In his other thread I thought he stated that her face wasn't in the pics and it was only comments. No actual conversations with other men. I think there are major communication issues and possible power struggles, but not actual cheating. I'm not saying he wasn't hurt and betrayed, but thankfully the W wasn't emotionally or physically involved with another. This is why I think his M can be saved *if* it's what the he wants.

M

 

MANY people do NOT share your very limited definition of cheating. In MY opinion, cheating is defined as sharing ANYTHING intimate with a person other than your spouse. And that is what she did. Instead of analyzing various definitions of cheating, I think we can all agree that this deception was damaging and NOT justified, correct?

[aliveagain]

I'm not trying to cause an argument, but why do you see what she did as cheating? IMO, cheating is defined as getting physically or emotionally involved with another person. I agree that what she did was wrong and a form of betrayal. Her behavior if it had continued could have led to an affair, but it didn't. Secrets, no matter what they might be aren't healthy in a marriage. In his other thread I thought he stated that her face wasn't in the pics and it was only comments. No actual conversations with other men. I think there are major communication issues and possible power struggles, but not actual cheating. I'm not saying he wasn't hurt and betrayed, but thankfully the W wasn't emotionally or physically involved with another. This is why I think his M can be saved *if* it's what the he wants.

 

No argument at all on saving the marriage and I strongly urge him to meet with her and start talking again. Showing yourself in very compromising ways on the internet and than texting with other men and women that are getting off on your pictures without your spouse's knowledge is cheating. Doing this for months and not telling your husband about it is a betrayal. If she didn't think so she would have told him about it don't you think? The man owns a business, who knows who has seen her and recognized her?

[oldshirt]

M

 

Instead of analyzing various definitions of cheating, I think we can all agree that this deception was damaging and NOT justified, correct?

 

There was a degree of inappropriateness to her actions and he had just cause to be upset and to enforce boundaries and establish standards of future conduct.

 

However my point is not about whether it was or was not cheating. My point is he could salvage this if he wanted. He is choosing to wash his hands of the situation without further investigation or effort and walk away.

 

That is his choice. It's not that the situation was/is unslavagable or that heart heart, emotions or desires with invested in any other person.

 

If he is as good looking, buff, successfull and such a strong person as he claims to be, then his afternoon schedule could look like this -

 

-1PM-2pm-marketing meeting.

 

-2PM-3pm- consult with tax accountant.

 

-3PM-4PM - save marriage.

 

-4PM- 5pm - meet with Community Planning Committee.

 

-5PM -6:30 PM - fund raiser dinner with Mayor and counsel members.

 

He is not doing that. This is divorce by omission.

[1040]

There was a degree of inappropriateness to her actions...

 

LOL.

 

That's like saying, "Hitler was a bit mean."

Edited March 5, 2015 by 1040

[HereNorThere]

It seems apparent that OP's marriage could easily be saved if his wife was just more open and honest.

 

The problem is that she won't provide this to him. She sees his whole life being ripped apart, their marriage going down the drain, but she's unwilling to do the few things he needs for closure.

 

Why won't she do this? Well, odds are that any type of transparency is going to completely expose her double life. Of course, we could be wrong, but common sense tells you that there's a whole lot more to this story. Sure, she could have just randomly decided to post these pictures one day, buy some secret sex toys the next, but usually this type of behavior requires a "ramping up" over a period of time.

 

And as one other poster pointed out, can you even do BDSM with one person? Sorry, but I just don't buy that she innocently entered into this type of world alone. She's just too deep into it for it to be some innocent housewife fantasy. Personally, I actually think it requires even looser boundaries to share those pictures with the whole world as opposed to one person.

[oldshirt]

...and I'll expand on what I mentioned briefly earlier. Her hesitancy to turn over the phone and her evasive remark are just what happened to break the camels back and made up his mind.

 

It could have just as easily been her having a headache when he wanted to have sex or it could've been wrecking the car or inviting her relatives over for the weekend without asking or staying out to late with Ladies Aid meeting.

 

By her own admission she was on borrowed time from the beginning. Her time ran out. She was near perfect and that is why it has taken this long. But no-one is completely perfect. We all commit some kind of infraction at some point.

 

Yes the pictures were an infraction, it was a fall-down. He had the right to be pissed. But it was also a salvageable infraction if he wanted it to be. Millions of couples have recovered and gone on to live happy and healthy marriages for far far worse. He could too if he wanted.

[oldshirt]

LOL.

 

That's like saying, "Hitler was a bit mean."

 

If it turns out she was frequenting a sex dungeon and getting tied up and whipped by strangers or it is discovered that she was having an affair or was running some kind of BDSM prostitution ring, I will agree with that.

 

But the only solid description of what has taken place is she and a girlfriend took some nonnude pictures of some bondage and asswhacking and sent them to a website where people viewed and commented on the pictures without his knowledge.

 

There is a level of inappropriate ness there. I think it's kind of up to the eye of the beholder if it is level one, level three or level five. But I think most reasonable people will agree it's not level ten.

[lolablue17]

How do I get things back to the way they were? I fear there is only pain ahead for me now.

Was strong! (I'm not an english speaker, sorry) I want to refer to your issue with a different view, aside from the main subject.

 

During your life you've covered yourself with a fabric made from yarns spun by your own hands. Everything was in control and in it's place, you've created a perfect bubble, fully customized to your needs.

 

It is very comfortable to live like that - until the fabric is ripped. Get this - The world is not as you think it is, and your pain you feel is when you're processing the new knowledge. It's not a matter of guilt. You're not guilty with anything.

 

But - after a Period of mourning for what you've lost, you MUST come to your senses and stop feel sorry for yourself. THIS IS THE WORLD! THIS IS YOUR WIFE! She made mistakes dealing with you before and after Dday. But she is not a crook nor a criminal. Stop comparing her to her image in your mind, stop expecting the world to be blue sky and singing birds and stop being a martyr.

 

Start taking care of yourself, your NEW self. Any new woman you're gonna meet, will not be less sinner than your wife.

 

I'm not saying you should take her back. I'm just saying that If you had a fire in your house, i'm sure you would be running, climbing, take risks, to put out the fire, and you wouldn't be sitting passively feeling sorry for youself, and ask "Oh Oh, why did the fire starts? why why? It's not fair!"

 

I advise you to start taking care of the fire (yourself) - It did happen! Yes, it's not fair! Start today. with or without your wife. She has nothing to do with the subject i raised. It's all about YOU!

Edited March 5, 2015 by lolablue17

[1040]

But the only solid description of what has taken place is she and a girlfriend took some nonnude pictures of some bondage and asswhacking and sent them to a website where people viewed and commented on the pictures without his knowledge.

 

"The cookies on her computer show that she has been viewing some pretty hard core S&M sites..

 

The photos that she posted are so explicit that I almost cannot believe that she did this of her own volition...

 

I logged on to the site and showed her the pictures that she had taken of herself. I have never seen such a look on another person's face. Not even at her parent' funerals did I see that look. She literally dropped to her knees and grabbed hold of my legs and began sobbing uncontrollably."

 

And then he mentioned, in addition, that there was the picture with the girlfriend and the paddle or whatever.

 

You really think that a silly pic with a girlfriend was all he saw? C'mon man. I hope OP comes back when he's able and gives us more details, so we can get a clearer idea of what happened.

[oldshirt]

It seems apparent that OP's marriage could easily be saved if his wife was just more open and honest.

 

The problem is that she won't provide this to him. She sees his whole life being ripped apart, their marriage going down the drain, but she's unwilling to do the few things he needs for closure.

 

Why won't she do this? Well, odds are that any type of transparency is going to completely expose her double life. Of course, we could be wrong, but common sense tells you that there's a whole lot more to this story. Sure, she could have just randomly decided to post these pictures one day, buy some secret sex toys the next, but usually this type of behavior requires a "ramping up" over a period of time.

 

And as one other poster pointed out, can you even do BDSM with one person? Sorry, but I just don't buy that she innocently entered into this type of world alone. She's just too deep into it for it to be some innocent housewife fantasy. Personally, I actually think it requires even looser boundaries to share those pictures with the whole world as opposed to one person.

 

I don't necessarily disagree with anything you said. But if this was your wife, wouldn't you at least try to determine to what extent things occurred before walking away?

 

The only thing we know for sure is there were some nonnude pics on some kind of BDSM site (we never even got an answer if it was some kind of hook-up site or just a pic sharing site) and that she didn't immediately hand over a txt and she asked if he going to distrust her in the future.

 

That's all we have to go on.

 

All the talk of cheating and double lives and BDSM lifestyles and bondage orgies etc are pure speculation at this point. They may or may not be accurate but it is all speculations and extrapolations.

 

My opinions are almost pure extrapolation as well. I am extrapolating what would cause me to walk away from my wife because she didn't immediately hand me a phone and cause me to ignore her hundreds of texts and calls even though I had not even searched for any evidence of actual infidelity.

 

And the only thing I can come up with is that I already wanted out before the event occurred.

 

My extrapolations may be 180 degrees off but it's no better and no worse than speculations of adultry and other men etc.

[oldshirt]

"The cookies on her computer show that she has been viewing some pretty hard core S&M sites..

 

The photos that she posted are so explicit that I almost cannot believe that she did this of her own volition...

 

I logged on to the site and showed her the pictures that she had taken of herself. I have never seen such a look on another person's face. Not even at her parent' funerals did I see that look. She literally dropped to her knees and grabbed hold of my legs and began sobbing uncontrollably."

 

And then he mentioned, in addition, that there was the picture with the girlfriend and the paddle or whatever.

 

You really think that a silly pic with a girlfriend was all he saw? C'mon man. I hope OP comes back when he's able and gives us more details, so we can get a clearer idea of what happened.

 

And when people pressed him for what was on those unspeakable photos he said she was fully dressed and the only other person was a fully dressed woman.

[oldshirt]

"

 

She literally dropped to her knees and grabbed hold of my legs and began sobbing uncontrollably."

 

 

 

And that's just a little too dramatic for prime time.

 

I accept that she may have been upset and shocked, but knees and grabbing legs and sobbing uncontrollably? C'mon.

 

Let's accept that there was a little creative licence here to make a point and that's ok, it helps paint the picture here that she was upset. but let's try to keep our feet on the ground as much as possible.

[1040]

And when people pressed him for what was on those unspeakable photos he said she was fully dressed and the only other person was a fully dressed woman.

 

OP described one picture, and has not described the the "bad" ones.

 

It is clear as day that he saw something horrific to him, much worse than silly clothed girlfriend-spanking.

 

You're spinning like Bill Clinton after Monica.

[oldshirt]

OP described one picture, and has not described the the "bad" ones.

 

It is clear as day that he saw something horrific to him, much worse than silly clothed girlfriend-spanking.

 

You're spinning like Bill Clinton after Monica.

 

If he comes back and actually describes the "bad ones" and they are in fact worse than what has been described thus far, then I'll take that for what it's worth.

 

The term "bad ones" without description of what "bad" is, means nothing.

 

He has been asked countless times what kind of website this was and asked countless times of what was on the pictures.

 

There have been other people here over the years that have had similar circumstances. They said, "I found naked pictures of my wife/husband on a swinger site having sex with other men/women." Or they say they found a profile with pictures for their wife/husband on Ashley Madison advertising for hooking up on the down low.

 

In other words, people lead off with descriptions and details about the "bad ones" FIRST, and then fill in the gaps with other corroborating evidence.

 

He hasn't.

[HereNorThere]

Okay, for arguments sake, let's just take away the pictures, lies, etc.

 

For me personally, I wouldn't want to be married to someone into bondage discipline sadomasochism.

 

Sadomasochism? No f-ing thanks. I do not want to be with someone who derives sexual pleasure from the reception of pain or humiliation. That alone for me would be a dealbreaker. That's not what I signed up for and there's no way I could ever please a person with that sort of fetish. This type of behavior is way beyond my boundaries, period.

 

Maybe OP feels the same way?

[drifter777]

The momentum on the opinion whether OP is being reasonable with his shock and horror over the bondage pictures and his right - in this context - to see her phone is swinging back and forth depending on the posters.

 

I posted this yesterday:

 

Ok, I have no personal experience with this but I love erotica and have read a lot about the lifestyle. Nearly everyone involved says that its the emotional element that makes a Dom a Dom and a sub a sub. Its a state of mind - truly a lifestyle. That the Dom cares, physically and emotionally, for his sub. The sub lives for her Dom.

 

This all begs the question: who was she doing this for/with? How committed to BSDM could she possibly be without a partner? And purchasing "a small trove" of Bondage toys and outfits says committed to me. Also his statement "The photos that she posted are so explicit that I almost cannot believe that she did this of her own volition" paints a picture of an active Dom/sub relationship. Yes, lots of circumstantial stuff combined with hard evidence but connecting the dots to sex and/or strong emotional involvement with another person is reasonable. Likely.

 

Of course it's not a certainty either way and OP either isn't telling us the whole story or his wife isn't giving him enough information to put that part of this to bed. Being involved enough in BDSM to take bondage pictures and post them on the internet is sufficient reason to suspect she's doing the Dom/sub thing with OM/OW. I don't know if he has already investigated this and is satisfied he knows the answer or he's terrified to find out or something in the middle.

 

The whole phone incident fly's in the face of everything we BS's on LS believe is a core condition of reconciliation: transparency. I don't know how her behavior when the text arrived and refusal to let OP see it doesn't get a universal "this is wrong on her part" from every BS on this forum.

Edited March 5, 2015 by drifter777

[GreySkyMorning]

No argument at all on saving the marriage and I strongly urge him to meet with her and start talking again. Showing yourself in very compromising ways on the internet and than texting with other men and women that are getting off on your pictures without your spouse's knowledge is cheating. Doing this for months and not telling your husband about it is a betrayal. If she didn't think so she would have told him about it don't you think? The man owns a business, who knows who has seen her and recognized her?

 

 

The only picture he described in detailed was a fully clothed one of her, while her female friend play spanked her. Maybe I'm wrong, but I thought he stated too that her face wasn't in the pics. He also said that there was no conversation with anyone else as far as he could see, but simply others commenting on the pics. He also stated that she had expressed opinions about the BDSM lifestyle in the past and he had ridiculed people with interests in that.

 

If he had ridiculed others, how was she ever supposed to come to him and say that she herself was interested? I can't imagine how ashamed she must have felt when he found those pics, knowing his opinion on other people in that lifestyle.

[GreySkyMorning]

It seems apparent that OP's marriage could easily be saved if his wife was just more open and honest.

 

The problem is that she won't provide this to him. She sees his whole life being ripped apart, their marriage going down the drain, but she's unwilling to do the few things he needs for closure.

 

Why won't she do this? Well, odds are that any type of transparency is going to completely expose her double life. Of course, we could be wrong, but common sense tells you that there's a whole lot more to this story. Sure, she could have just randomly decided to post these pictures one day, buy some secret sex toys the next, but usually this type of behavior requires a "ramping up" over a period of time.

 

And as one other poster pointed out, can you even do BDSM with one person? Sorry, but I just don't buy that she innocently entered into this type of world alone. She's just too deep into it for it to be some innocent housewife fantasy. Personally, I actually think it requires even looser boundaries to share those pictures with the whole world as opposed to one person.

 

No, common sense doesn't tell you that. Why is it so hard to believe that she could be completely honest in this case? Are all of you really so bitter and scorned?

 

Have you ever been to a fet site? A legitimate one, like Fetlife? Have you ever had a fantasy in your life? She couldn't share it with him. He'd already told her his opinion on people with that fantasy. And YES, you can do BDSM with one person. It's funny how many of you equate BDSM with sex, when 90% of the time, it has nothing to do with that.

[sandylee1]

M

 

MANY people do NOT share your very limited definition of cheating. In MY opinion, cheating is defined as sharing ANYTHING intimate with a person other than your spouse. And that is what she did. Instead of analyzing various definitions of cheating, I think we can all agree that this deception was damaging and NOT justified, correct?

 

I guess we all have different opinions of cheating. A betrayal is not necessarily cheating in my book. I share some intimate things with my sister (non sexual ) that I may not share with my H, that doesn't mean I'm cheating. At least not in my book.

[sandylee1]

The man owns a business, who knows who has seen her and recognized her?

 

Yes. Those people that visited the BDSM website may recognize her . Unless people have an interest in it, they aren't going to stumble on these pictures.

 

If you recognise your next door neighbour in a Porn movie, you kind of have to own the fact that you're into it. I don't see many people readily admitting to visiting the website.

[sandylee1]

My point is he could salvage this if he wanted. He is choosing to wash his hands of the situation without further investigation or effort and.

 

Oldshirt ,

 

It's fear of what he will find out. He doesn't know if he can deal with the truth.