what to do

[feelingalone]

Update...still hanging tough. OW is still gone for the most part (as far as I know) but the question I have now is - Is it realistic to think that we might get through this? It's so hard to trust when I've been given every reason not to!! I can't help but feel that this would've never ever happened if he was truly committed to me and our marriage. I know there isn't any "perfect relationship" and that issues are to be expected but how do you go forward after all the hurt? He says that if I hadn't gotten involved (with her and her H) and expressed how I didn't like the relationship to them, that he probably would still be friends with her. What is that supposed to mean? If there is something or someone causing greif in your relationship, wouldn't or shouldn't you want to correct that?

[Ladyjane14]

Originally posted by feelingalone

He says that if I hadn't gotten involved (with her and her H) and expressed how I didn't like the relationship to them, that he probably would still be friends with her. What is that supposed to mean?

 

That's probably just a reaction to the withdrawal. I know it's difficult, but try not to take it too seriously. He's going to say things from time to time that are reflective of his generalized frustration.

 

There's an addictive quality to having your emotional needs met....and he's like an addict who isn't getting his fix.

 

The best thing to do is to work really hard on identifying his needs (as well as your own, btw.), and then addressing them as thoroughly as you can. In a situation like the above example, giving him a physical touch, and verbally expressing sympathy could go a long way.

 

You're going to have to be a little thick-skinned for awhile. That's difficult, I know. But this is a marathon, not a sprint. It'll take time to put it behind you, and fix all that was broken.

 

Is it realistic to think that we might get through this? It's so hard to trust when I've been given every reason not to!! I can't help but feel that this would've never ever happened if he was truly committed to me and our marriage.

You have NOTHING to lose in hope. Be bold. Have faith. What do you have to lose?

 

Are you going to feel silly if it turns out that he couldn't be trusted? Is the potential for "feeling silly" worth tormenting yourself over?

 

Besides, there is definately at least some level of committment. Otherwise, he'd already be gone. Being unhappy, depressed, or doubting, aren't permanent emotions. His committment was there before, when he married you. It could very well be revitalized in your continued efforts towards reconciliation.

[feelingalone]

Thanks LadyJane. You really seem to know your stuff!

 

I still feel so hurt and feel like none of this should've happened to us. I understand that there were things wrong with our marriage or obviously this wouldn't have happened.

 

I feel like I'm doing all the work and still having to deal with the hurt. I don't feel like I'm getting anything back. Shouldn't he be showing something? I asked him that if he says he wants to work on us, what does that mean to him? He doesn't want to do any MC and doesn't want to talk about any of this...if we do the defense goes up. I'm the opposite- I can't hold in my feelings. I just feel like if we are to get past all of this then something needs to be done to go forward so we are stronger and also to keep it from happening again. That means solve the problems we have and by that he has to tell me what it is that he doesn't feel like he's getting from me that he was from her. He says he has and that it is affirmation, affection among other things. I have tried to make an effort and be more aware of showing that affirmation and affection, but don't get much in return. I need some comfort from him, but am not getting it.

[Ladyjane14]

You might consider going back to MC on your own for now. You need emotional support, and you're not getting it from your husband. He's such a mess right now that he can't even be supportive of himself it seems.

 

There is a good possibility that he will eventually join you in counseling, but even if that doesn't happen....YOU will feel more in control by virtue of having some detailed guidance.

 

You have NOTHING to lose by doing this, because eventually your husband's apathy will destroy the marriage if left unabated.

 

He's angry with you. You're impeding him from what he thinks will make him feel better.

 

It's unfortunate, but we often tend to blame the ones that are closest to us for the unhappiness in our lives, sometimes without really working out in our minds what the true source of our discontent is all about.

 

Maybe that's because often the "discontent" is somewhat vague. We're not sure why we're not happy, so we cast around at whatever is in our near vicinity and blame it.

 

Your husband needs to work all that out for himself, and he'd probably do better by getting counseling to do it. But you can't make him do it.

 

However, you CAN help yourself. And you should. It'll make you stronger.