Questioning if I should stay married

[smooch1983]

Hello Forum Goers!

 

 

This is my first time here. I don't feel comfortable talking to my friends/family about this topic so I am happy to have found another outlet.

 

 

It's impossible to know the in's and out's of someone else's marriage but I'll try my best to explain.

 

 

My husband and I have been married for 1 year, together for 3. We have twin girls who are 19 months old.

 

 

Our relationship has been strained at times since the arrival of our children. The usual stresses like money, sleep deprivation etc. We are through the worst of it now however, my husband has become considerably more aggressive during arguments. He yells loudly to the point where I have to shut all doors and windows in the house so the neighbours aren't alarmed.

 

 

We had an argument 2 days ago which ended in him becoming extremely aggressive and he came within an inch of my face and was screaming at me. He also threw a pillow in my face twice. On once occasion I had one of our daughters on my lap.

 

 

I've not been able to stop thinking about it since. I wonder if this is a very bad sign and if it will only get worse. It's never been this extreme before, but each fight has been getting more and more agro in terms of the way he handles himself and his reactions.

 

 

I feel that his behaviour is not something I should have to live with. It seems near impossible to put a separation into motion with joint bank accounts, 2 toddlers etc, but I'm just not sure what kind of man I am married to.

 

 

I'd love some advice from people, especially those with children etc.

 

 

Many thanks

[sandylee1]

Hi

 

It's not a good sign, but I'm not saying get divorced without talking to him. I have children and can only imagine the stress of twins must be really tough. However, that's no excuse for his behaviour.

 

When you aren't arguing, sit him down and tell him how you've noticed him becoming more and more aggressive during arguments. Tell him how it makes you feel and the recent incident where you were carrying your daughter. If he frightens you when he shouts, then tell him this.

 

 

Tell him you love him, but he must control his anger /get help for it, otherwise a further recurrence will make you evaluate the marriage and consider how you move forward.

 

You really DO need to consider what you will do if another incident occurs. Don't ever make empty threats though.

 

Good luck.

[SawtoothMars]

We had an argument 2 days ago which ended in him becoming extremely aggressive and he came within an inch of my face and was screaming at me. He also threw a pillow in my face twice. On once occasion I had one of our daughters on my lap.

 

Ok... Look you should know by this point if this kind of reaction is within his nature or not. If it IS within his nature you need to be very forceful in demanding he not do this anymore and requesting that he take classes or something to learn to manage his anger.

 

If it is outside his nature... then you really need to do some soul searching. It means you are probably arguing in a very unhealthy way and pushing buttons that aught not be pushed.

 

Having been with some women who engaged in button pushing when fighting... I believe this to be emotional abuse of a very high order! When you love someone you give them the keys to create real pain and when they do it to "win" arguments it is despicable. I know guys who do this too.

[Mr. Lucky]

We had an argument 2 days ago which ended in him becoming extremely aggressive and he came within an inch of my face and was screaming at me. He also threw a pillow in my face twice. On once occasion I had one of our daughters on my lap.

 

His conduct is plainly wrong.

 

But I can't help but wonder what is your conduct during these arguments? Do you scream, insult, belittle, etc ???

 

Mr. Lucky

[smooch1983]

His conduct is plainly wrong.

 

But I can't help but wonder what is your conduct during these arguments? Do you scream, insult, belittle, etc ???

 

Mr. Lucky

 

 

 

It takes 2 to tango. I'm never blameless. Sometimes I get cranky but nothing to warrant that hostile behaviour from him.

[sandylee1]

You have a child on your lap and he's carrying on like this? It's not acceptable at all. This level of shouting in front of your children is damaging and needs to stop. Do not be a part of it and walk away from his aggressive shouting.

[mrs rubble]

It takes 2 to tango. I'm never blameless. Sometimes I get cranky but nothing to warrant that hostile behaviour from him.

 

Sandylee is right, walk away.

Tell him you're not going to listen to yelling, and you don't want to risk resorting to saying things you don't mean, so you are taking time to cool off.

[IAlwaysSettle09]

I'm kind of in the same situation. My husband goes from calm to hostile in the blink of an eye. He ALWAYS calls me a bitch. Worthless piece of **** is a new one. So I get defensive and try to even the score. I'll tell him he's an ******* and I hate him. He gets in my face like he wants to fight me. When I told him it wasn't going to work long term like this and that's it's never ok to name call in a relationship, for either of us, he tried to justify his actions by saying I "deserved it for bitching all the time." Then he tries to minimize his behavior by saying things like "sorry...I'm a butthole." Who says that? Anyway,each argument is getting progressively more hostile and disrespectful, so I decided it was best to just stop talking to him. I speak to him on a need-to-know basis only. I also started recording our conversations and luckily, I've keep every text message. My husband gets in trouble at work for being hostile with customers, so it's not just me. Anyway, I'm playing it cool while I plan my escape.