The Breadcrumbs and the Loaf - confessions of a dumpee

[CripplingMe]

It's been a while since I've posted but wanted to share my thoughts and feelings.

 

It's a funny thing perspective - you don't have any as a dumpee because you're so consumed by grief. All sense of realism and rationality goes out of the window and you fail to take care of yourself.

 

I did a reasonable job in trying to move on when I was dumped. I was marginally resilient, yet completely dead inside. Feeling sick was an understatement. I'm sure those can resonate.

 

I was focusing too much on the positives of my ex, I pined for him misjudgingly. It wasn't so much I was pining for him, I was pining for the companionship, intimacy and affection. Looking back, I don't know why I was so empathetic of him and his decision to dump me. I knew I gave everything, perhaps too much, that I became so clouded by fear.

 

I had never been profoundly dumped before. My previous 9 year relationship ended amicable, and prior to that I had ended a rship myself that was unhealthy (at 19). My ex came back to me begging to take him back and how he made a terrible mistake. He got his mum on board and I became blown away by the 'knight in shining armour on his horse' approach.

 

Yes I took him back, I was ashamedly addicted to him. My codependency disposition didn't help. Now, I know it was a mistake. Why? Because once your spirit is broken in the way it had been, things aren't the same anymore. thr first couple of weeks professing their love and making efforts to be a better partner soon fade and things slip back to the way they were. It's sad. It truly is. It's heart breaking. You realise as a dumpee that you're vulnerable again to hurt and you can't love as deeply as you did prior to getting dumped. Something changes within you, and I believe it's the realisation that you have lost a little bit of yourself and you miss it. They took that away.

 

So, to all the dumpee, the grass isn't always greener when you get back with them. The grief you are experiencing is for yourself, and not truly for them.

[runredlights]

It's been a while since I've posted but wanted to share my thoughts and feelings.

 

It's a funny thing perspective - you don't have any as a dumpee because you're so consumed by grief. All sense of realism and rationality goes out of the window and you fail to take care of yourself.

 

I did a reasonable job in trying to move on when I was dumped. I was marginally resilient, yet completely dead inside. Feeling sick was an understatement. I'm sure those can resonate.

 

I was focusing too much on the positives of my ex, I pined for him misjudgingly. It wasn't so much I was pining for him, I was pining for the companionship, intimacy and affection. Looking back, I don't know why I was so empathetic of him and his decision to dump me. I knew I gave everything, perhaps too much, that I became so clouded by fear.

 

I had never been profoundly dumped before. My previous 9 year relationship ended amicable, and prior to that I had ended a rship myself that was unhealthy (at 19). My ex came back to me begging to take him back and how he made a terrible mistake. He got his mum on board and I became blown away by the 'knight in shining armour on his horse' approach.

 

Yes I took him back, I was ashamedly addicted to him. My codependency disposition didn't help. Now, I know it was a mistake. Why? Because once your spirit is broken in the way it had been, things aren't the same anymore. thr first couple of weeks professing their love and making efforts to be a better partner soon fade and things slip back to the way they were. It's sad. It truly is. It's heart breaking. You realise as a dumpee that you're vulnerable again to hurt and you can't love as deeply as you did prior to getting dumped. Something changes within you, and I believe it's the realisation that you have lost a little bit of yourself and you miss it. They took that away.

 

So, to all the dumpee, the grass isn't always greener when you get back with them. The grief you are experiencing is for yourself, and not truly for them.

 

I'm in the same boat now. Roughly a little over a month after being dumped my ex came back to drop off some shirts that I didn't care at all about and asked to talk. She started bawling and confessing what a mistake it all was. We are reconciling now, but I still don't totally feel it yet. I'd love to believe that I am not permanently callused and that me having my guard up is temporary, but another part of me feels like I can't get over her leaving me.

 

I believe that people are capable of change. Your ex will have to put in an incredible amount of effort to show that he's worth it. Ultimately we will either have to forgive and forget or just leave them.

[Ieris]

Now, I know it was a mistake. Why? Because once your spirit is broken in the way it had been, things aren't the same anymore. the first couple of weeks professing their love and making efforts to be a better partner soon fade and things slip back to the way they were. It's sad. It truly is. It's heart breaking. You realize as a dumpee that you're vulnerable again to hurt and you can't love as deeply as you did prior to getting dumped. Something changes within you, and I believe it's the realization that you have lost a little bit of yourself and you miss it. They took that away.

 

So, to all the dumpee, the grass isn't always greener when you get back with them. The grief you are experiencing is for yourself, and not truly for them.

 

+1

 

Thanks for sharing CripplingMe. I agree with this, you've had the chance to see them in a different light and things just aren't the same anymore. So when I break up that's me done.. no begging no nothing.. cut the cord and be gone x

[CripplingMe]

Thanks for your response, appreciate it.

 

This effort you are talking about is short lived after you take them back. Be it two weeks or two months, the leopard never really changes their spots. People are capable, but very few are. Depends what motivated them to dump you really. Takes a lot to decide you want nothing more to do with someone, Especially if you have been a devoted partner. It's different in much younger relationships, people change a lot during their twenties, but even then there are couples who want to stay together irrespective of age or circumstances. Some are just rubbish at appreciating what they have got.

 

You'll never get over her leaving you. The hurt will fade, but you won't forget what they did to you. Whilst I still love deeply, part of me still harbours fear - that will never change. The only way that fear can be diminished, is if they truly make a whole hearted concerted effort - consistently - no slip ups. I don't expect them to bend over backwards forever, but I don't want any red flags that they are taking me for granted again. I have a lot to learn about myself also, I feel slightly stronger and not so blind sided. The dynamics have changed and I feel he has got more to lose, me not so much.

 

Do you have any doubts?

 

It's all down to whether they will give us reason not to forgive and forget - that means not giving any signs that they are remotely devaluing the love again.

 

God, so nice to hear from someone in my boat.

[runredlights]

Thanks for your response, appreciate it.

 

This effort you are talking about is short lived after you take them back. Be it two weeks or two months, the leopard never really changes their spots. People are capable, but very few are. Depends what motivated them to dump you really. Takes a lot to decide you want nothing more to do with someone, Especially if you have been a devoted partner. It's different in much younger relationships, people change a lot during their twenties, but even then there are couples who want to stay together irrespective of age or circumstances. Some are just rubbish at appreciating what they have got.

 

You'll never get over her leaving you. The hurt will fade, but you won't forget what they did to you. Whilst I still love deeply, part of me still harbours fear - that will never change. The only way that fear can be diminished, is if they truly make a whole hearted concerted effort - consistently - no slip ups. I don't expect them to bend over backwards forever, but I don't want any red flags that they are taking me for granted again. I have a lot to learn about myself also, I feel slightly stronger and not so blind sided. The dynamics have changed and I feel he has got more to lose, me not so much.

 

Do you have any doubts?

 

It's all down to whether they will give us reason not to forgive and forget - that means not giving any signs that they are remotely devaluing the love again.

 

God, so nice to hear from someone in my boat.

 

Of course I have doubts. It has barely been into a month of us reconciling and talking again. We dated for 3 years and then she left me. I think it's normal to have doubts especially so early on. I want to give it a shot though. Are you convinced that you won't be able to get over your ex leaving you?

[CripplingMe]

Of course I have doubts. It has barely been into a month of us reconciling and talking again. We dated for 3 years and then she left me. I think it's normal to have doubts especially so early on. I want to give it a shot though. Are you convinced that you won't be able to get over your ex leaving you?

 

No, I am not convinced I can get over it. I read your posts and whilst our circumstances differ, the pain was equally unbearable for me. How can I ever forget that?...... He banged someone the day after we last saw each other (found our afterwards) - couldn't believe the fookr wasted no time in getting knee deep in someone else's orifice. Wasn't a one nighter but a three nighter. Feel sick at that irrespective if he was single or not. Eugh.

 

I don't know how you muster the strength to trust her again, not just in terms of her potentially leaving you again, but the infidelity part. Takes some balls that. You must adore her, similar to my own feelings even though I know he's not fully deserving of this.

 

I like the fact we both share the value of respect, loyalty and devotion. Something our partners just don't fully appreciate which is why I feel ever so slightly resentful. Benefit of the doubt? Probably, and stupidly.

 

Do you find yourself on the odd occasion almost holding back or rejecting their shower of affection? Almost like they are over compensating?

[runredlights]

No, I am not convinced I can get over it. I read your posts and whilst our circumstances differ, the pain was equally unbearable for me. How can I ever forget that?...... He banged someone the day after we last saw each other (found our afterwards) - couldn't believe the fookr wasted no time in getting knee deep in someone else's orifice. Wasn't a one nighter but a three nighter. Feel sick at that irrespective if he was single or not. Eugh.

 

I don't know how you muster the strength to trust her again, not just in terms of her potentially leaving you again, but the infidelity part. Takes some balls that. You must adore her, similar to my own feelings even though I know he's not fully deserving of this.

 

I like the fact we both share the value of respect, loyalty and devotion. Something our partners just don't fully appreciate which is why I feel ever so slightly resentful. Benefit of the doubt? Probably, and stupidly.

 

Do you find yourself on the odd occasion almost holding back or rejecting their shower of affection? Almost like they are over compensating?

 

Good grief. The day after you broke up? After how long of dating? He he tell you about him sleeping with someone else or did you find out?

 

I feel like her attempts are genuine. I just don't know how to trust her. She's been 100% honest with me throughout our entire relationship and since the BU it went to 0.

[xinaxxsdertf]

I think its okay (still rough) to get into bed with someone straight after a breakup if you are the DUMPEE but if you are the dumper and do it then thats just harsh.

 

Youre right though, theres a poece inside you that almost feela like you can never trust them again. I personally think you cant take someones advice when it comes to reconciling with someone. Its all up to u, but most the time the dumpee is so hurt and broken and desperate that they dont think logically about the reconciliation. Its something you have to have a clear head about. You have to leave your heart out of the equation and use your head to make the right decision which is alot easier said than done.

[CripplingMe]

Good grief. The day after you broke up? After how long of dating? He he tell you about him sleeping with someone else or did you find out?

 

I feel like her attempts are genuine. I just don't know how to trust her. She's been 100% honest with me throughout our entire relationship and since the BU it went to 0.

 

Hey, how's things going with you at the mo?

 

We dated for 4 years, so you can imagine how cut up I felt when he said he jumped into bed with someone after 3 days. I found out because she sent a text to his phone asking him to call her. She was obviously hung up on him, stupid cow.

Trust is a powerful word. I trusted my previous ex whom i was with for 9 years because he never gave me reason not to trust him. I had my insecure moment, sure I did, but he never dumped me and when times got tough he stuck with the relationship - he was in his twenties also. It was a good relationship to compare to this one because I can see the relationship im in now as being unpredictable and tumultuous. Anyhow.....

 

My current boyfriend wants us to move in together and is pushing for my validation. I'm having doubts because I can see that he hasn't really changed that much at all deep down...

 

How are things progressing with your rship? Do you find yourself experiencing moments of doubt or checking up on her? (Texts etc).

[CripplingMe]

I think its okay (still rough) to get into bed with someone straight after a breakup if you are the DUMPEE but if you are the dumper and do it then thats just harsh.

 

Youre right though, theres a poece inside you that almost feela like you can never trust them again. I personally think you cant take someones advice when it comes to reconciling with someone. Its all up to u, but most the time the dumpee is so hurt and broken and desperate that they dont think logically about the reconciliation. Its something you have to have a clear head about. You have to leave your heart out of the equation and use your head to make the right decision which is alot easier said than done.

 

Hey )

 

Yeh I thought it was harsh, but his reasoning was that he was drunk and it was offered to him. Whatever. People's choices.

 

You're right about not thinking logically, because you cant see the woods for the trees. I definitely wasn't rational, I just wish he left me alone to move on because I know I would have eventually ended up with a better life. Now I feel like I'm back to square one and struggle with the strength to leave. Suppose this time I've lost a lot of the love I previously had so, whilst not easy to walk away from a relationship, it's made that slightly bit probable if the dumpee feels it's too late and they know they will be emotionally ok.

 

I'm not scared of being single, and dating other men is not on my agenda, it's all about me now. There's places I want to go and see, things I want to do, and I miss the old me (I can see how much I've changed, and my esteem is shot to pieces).

 

I think it's a case of missing the times we shared with them, the love, the kisses, rather than the person they become (dumper). I agree that some dumpers genuinely fall out of love and people change (those who date In early twenties), and that's a hard thing to accept as a dumpee. Being a romantic, I suppose I believe in growing together rather than ending a rship because I wanted to sort stuff out in my life.

 

Dunno, just giving my penny's worth. All I know is I miss looking after myself and feel as though there is the little child version of me upset and lost who wants their carer back.

[Ruby65]

Being a romantic, I suppose I believe in growing together rather than ending a rship because I wanted to sort stuff out in my life.

 

^That's what makes you a superior partner.

 

I have to be honest, I've been a dumper and a dumpee, and I just don't hold out much hope for breakups that happen because someone *fell out of love* after just a few years together.... to me, a reconciliation that happens after someone's checked out to that degree happens out of fear of being alone more than anything.

 

In your shoes, I wouldn't rush into moving in together, especially given your doubts. I'd respect what my instincts are saying and take it very slow.

 

Good luck to you!

[AprilTears]

It's been a while since I've posted but wanted to share my thoughts and feelings.

 

It's a funny thing perspective - you don't have any as a dumpee because you're so consumed by grief. All sense of realism and rationality goes out of the window and you fail to take care of yourself.

 

I did a reasonable job in trying to move on when I was dumped. I was marginally resilient, yet completely dead inside. Feeling sick was an understatement. I'm sure those can resonate.

 

I was focusing too much on the positives of my ex, I pined for him misjudgingly. It wasn't so much I was pining for him, I was pining for the companionship, intimacy and affection. Looking back, I don't know why I was so empathetic of him and his decision to dump me. I knew I gave everything, perhaps too much, that I became so clouded by fear.

 

I had never been profoundly dumped before. My previous 9 year relationship ended amicable, and prior to that I had ended a rship myself that was unhealthy (at 19). My ex came back to me begging to take him back and how he made a terrible mistake. He got his mum on board and I became blown away by the 'knight in shining armour on his horse' approach.

 

Yes I took him back, I was ashamedly addicted to him. My codependency disposition didn't help. Now, I know it was a mistake. Why? Because once your spirit is broken in the way it had been, things aren't the same anymore. thr first couple of weeks professing their love and making efforts to be a better partner soon fade and things slip back to the way they were. It's sad. It truly is. It's heart breaking. You realise as a dumpee that you're vulnerable again to hurt and you can't love as deeply as you did prior to getting dumped. Something changes within you, and I believe it's the realisation that you have lost a little bit of yourself and you miss it. They took that away.

 

So, to all the dumpee, the grass isn't always greener when you get back with them. The grief you are experiencing is for yourself, and not truly for them.

 

I feel the same way. I took mine back once before and things were great until his issues reared their ugly head again. That time he really chased me and he got me back again! It was even better that time around. And then two months later it all came crashing down again. But this time he blamed me and he left me no choice but to walk.

 

Although that was not even 2 weeks ago I know with certainty that I will never take him back again. There is absolutely nothing he could do to convince me to be with him again. I lost feelings for him and more importantly I lost respect for him and I no longer trust him.

 

I absolutely hurt and have struggled with the demise of our relationship but as each day passes I feel better that it's over because it needed to happen. I will eventually get over him and the no contact has helped tremendously.

 

To be honest I thought that when the day finally came that we were over for good I would be in bed for weeks. I am doing much better than I thought I would be. I was a mess a week ago but now I am realizing how horrible that relationship was for me. I will soon be 100% free.