21 years old: completely inexperienced with women

[lordbaelish]

Firstly, I know my concern is a generic one, and probably faced by a lot of people, however I am in desperate need for help. I am currently 21, and never had a relationship with a girl(other than my family members of course; not in the cersei and jaime way of course!). I've neither have had a romantic or platonic relationship with women, and of course this is very abnormal, humans are sociable creatures, and thus it is demoralising to not be able to socialise with people. I suffer from social anxiety, and I cannot find the inclination to approach girls I am attracted to, or people in general. I am currently feeling lost, alone and debilitated. I know i can be in a far worse position, however its just very depressing to see everyone around me form relationships, whilst I am left at home binging Netflix all day - there just isn't enough shows left for me anymore.

 

I would welcome help from people that have been in similar situations in the past, or anyone with a rational head. If you do wish to disparage or mock me, at least be witty.

 

Just to let you know, despite being a 'virgin', I am not asking for advice on 'getting laid'.

Edited March 2, 2015 by lordbaelish

[CrystalShine2011]

Try online dating to boost your confidence, and work up from there.

[carhill]

What do you want to know, specifically?

 

BTDT, have all kinds of experiences I can share.

 

Your first job is to get out and socialize. My version of that as a 21 yo virgin was taking one of my cars out and hitting the local cruise and burger joints and doing some street racing (don't do that part!). This put me into contact with women who were out and about with their friends (cruising was big back in the 60's and 70's) and we interacted. Interacting is so important. Each interaction doesn't have to end up in a date or romantic encounter. It's becoming comfortable with women, flirting with them and not feeling self-conscious.

 

I had what I believed was huge social anxiety but, in reality I'd find out many years later that I was simply hyper-sensitive to stimulus, like sights, sounds, smells, etc, so was getting overwhelmed by that stuff so avoided social situations because of the stimulation and 'noise'. I had to consciously set aside that issue and force myself to socialize. I was able to fix, or at least mitigate, the rest of the sensory issues by going racing (at the track!), as the noise and constant high speed stimulation of racing de-sensitized me, as did doing stuff in front of an audience, even if they were way in the stands.

 

Do something with people around. That's first. Easy? Nope!

[JuneJulySeptember]

Try online dating to boost your confidence, and work up from there.

 

Online dating is probably the worst place for a 21 year old male virgin to build his confidence.

 

That said, I would recommend OLD for him. It will teach him about the hierarchy that exists within dating and get him acclimated to rejection. The earlier you can get that drilled into your head, the better.

[Frank2thepoint]

To overcome your social anxiety and boost your confidence, just approach women out in public. I'm serious. All you need is the drive to overcome your anxiety. The beauty of this is if the women turn you down, or worst denigrate you, you'll never see them again anyway. You get to learn from your mistakes and adapt. Each time you approach, the easier it gets, where eventually you aren't scared as much.

[lordbaelish]

Online dating is probably the worst place for a 21 year old male virgin to build his confidence.

 

That said, I would recommend OLD for him. It will teach him about the hierarchy that exists within dating and get him acclimated to rejection. The earlier you can get that drilled into your head, the better.

 

I apologise, I don't quite follow. When you say 'I would recommend 'OLD', do you mean to say, date older women ? However, I do understand your concluding statement, the more rejection, the better I will be acclimated to rejection, hence subduing my anxiety upon approaching women.

[lordbaelish]

To overcome your social anxiety and boost your confidence, just approach women out in public. I'm serious. All you need is the drive to overcome your anxiety. The beauty of this is if the women turn you down, or worst denigrate you, you'll never see them again anyway. You get to learn from your mistakes and adapt. Each time you approach, the easier it gets, where eventually you aren't scared as much.

 

haha, this seems to be a recurring advice. It's just so simple, but very effective, i've not even tried it. I agree, if I just go out and attempt to talk to women, rejection will be easier to overcome.

[CarrieT]

OLD = OnLine Dating

 

Not Older Women...

[lordbaelish]

OLD = OnLine Dating

 

Not Older Women...

 

haha, well that clearly exemplifies how clueless I am when it comes to dating.

[1040]

One technique is to strike up conversations with older women who are not dating prospects. Tellers at the bank, Post Office clerks, salesladies in stores, whatever.

 

The fact that you won't be dating them will calm you a lot. With some practice, start moving down the age range.

 

Try it and let us know how it goes.

[GravityMan]

Are you in college/university? If so, why not join a few on-campus clubs or groups that cater to things that interest you? You can make new friends and connections that way and perhaps eventually meet a nice woman to date. Building social connections is one of the biggest benefits of college.

 

It doesn't make much sense for anyone in their early 20s to be using online dating sites.

[JuneJulySeptember]

Do not follow this advice. OLD will most likely just make you feel even worse about things since, unless you see immediate success, you will face rejection on a scale unheard of until OLD became a thing.

 

I agree with you, but in a sense it's good to get that massive rejection out of the way when you're a young pup, that frustrated/bitter stage if you will.

 

Then, you can figure out where you are in the game and you still have many, many years to sort things out.

[lordbaelish]

Do not follow this advice. OLD will most likely just make you feel even worse about things since, unless you see immediate success, you will face rejection on a scale unheard of until OLD became a thing.

 

 

 

This is what you need to do. Don't even talk to people with an agenda in mind, just talk to them. Talk to the cashier that rings you up when you buy a soda. Talk to the girl in the same aisle you're in at the book store. Talk to the ladies that work in the clothing department of your favorite store. It doesn't need to be anything big, just get used to talking with people. Talk to men, women, attractive women, ugly women, you name it. Just open up and be social. This will help you tremendously.

 

When I was a young kid, we moved around a lot. As a result, I had very few friends. I ended up being very shy since I was used to playing alone most of the time. Just like you, I had to open up when I got older. Now, I talk to everyone.

 

The problem is, I just lose myself when trying to initiate a conversation, it's difficult for people like me. I've spent most of my years avoiding people, its hard to change, how do I find the incentive ?

[lordbaelish]

Are you in college/university? If so, why not join a few on-campus clubs or groups that cater to things that interest you? You can make new friends and connections that way and perhaps eventually meet a nice woman to date. Building social connections is one of the biggest benefits of college.

 

It doesn't make much sense for anyone in their early 20s to be using online dating sites.

 

 

 

I agree with the latter sentence, I dont want to be using online dating, It wont help my social development at all. And i've already graduated, and my time at university was an uneventful one, I got my degree and left, without making any friends.

[lordbaelish]

One technique is to strike up conversations with older women who are not dating prospects. Tellers at the bank, Post Office clerks, salesladies in stores, whatever.

 

The fact that you won't be dating them will calm you a lot. With some practice, start moving down the age range.

 

Try it and let us know how it goes.

 

I like this idea, i've actually had no problem speaking with older women, I always had good relationships with female teachers etc .

[JuneJulySeptember]

I like this idea, i've actually had no problem speaking with older women, I always had good relationships with female teachers etc .

 

That's only going to help you talk to women who are old enough to be your mother, and you have no interest in them.

 

Once you learn that most women will have no interest in you no matter what you say, that's when you can truly calm down around them. Age helps too. Would you be nervous in an interview if you knew you had little to no shot to get the job?

 

You wouldn't. You go on like 100 interviews and all of a sudden out of the blue, you get a call back.

Edited March 4, 2015 by JuneJulySeptember

[1040]

That's only going to help you talk to women who are old enough to be your mother, and you have no interest in them.

 

But you don't do it forever; it's just to get oriented. I was like the OP. Looking back ~40 years, I realize that I had it in my head that women were some exotic alien creatures with a black box for a brain I could never penetrate. They scared the h out of me. Irrational, yes, but there you go.

 

Of course, now I see that they have a lot of the same thought patterns as I do (but not all, by a long shot). They are still somewhat inscrutable to me, but I have some insight at least.

 

I am reminded of comedian Mark Gungor's video. Google "difference between men's and women's brains" and it's at or near the top.

Edited March 4, 2015 by 1040

[JuneJulySeptember]

But you don't do it forever; it's just to get oriented. I was like the OP. Looking back ~40 years, I realize that I had it in my head that women were some exotic alien creatures with a black box for a brain I could never penetrate. They scared the h out of me. Irrational, yes, but there you go.

 

Of course, now I see that they have a lot of the same thought patterns as I do (but not all, by a long shot). They are still somewhat inscrutable to me, but I have some insight at least.

 

I am reminded of comedian Mark Gungor's video. Google "difference between men's and women's brains" and it's at or near the top.

 

That's correct. I agree somewhat.

 

When I was young, I thought that getting over my anxiety of talking to women and asking them out was the 'Great Wall/39th Parallel'. It was far from the case. It's only 10% of the battle at most.

 

In my mind, you're getting him to think like, "Oh, if I just have the courage to go up to women, they'll like me." When it's more like, "1 out of many will like me and rejection is imminent so what's to fear."

 

Anyway, that's just from my past. The most important thing is that he play life out and be happy. Being a young 20s virgin male will present significant social awkwardness, so I would suggest he get that monkey off his back. But then again, if he's happy, no rush.

[lordbaelish]

That's correct. I agree somewhat.

 

When I was young, I thought that getting over my anxiety of talking to women and asking them out was the 'Great Wall/39th Parallel'. It was far from the case. It's only 10% of the battle at most.

 

In my mind, you're getting him to think like, "Oh, if I just have the courage to go up to women, they'll like me." When it's more like, "1 out of many will like me and rejection is imminent so what's to fear."

 

Anyway, that's just from my past. The most important thing is that he play life out and be happy. Being a young 20s virgin male will present significant social awkwardness, so I would suggest he get that monkey off his back. But then again, if he's happy, no rush.

 

When you mean 'monkey off my back', are you referring to 'being deflowered', so to speak? Although it is something I want to do, as with every other human, it's not essential for me. I just want to be able to have relationships with women, something i've been severely lacking, I mean every human needs companionship am I correct ? All my male friends I know, have moved on with life and managed to form relationships with girls, yet i'm stranded alone, it's not something I linger on everyday, however it does hurt.

[JuneJulySeptember]

When you mean 'monkey off my back', are you referring to 'being deflowered', so to speak? Although it is something I want to do, as with every other human, it's not essential for me. I just want to be able to have relationships with women, something i've been severely lacking, I mean every human needs companionship am I correct ? All my male friends I know, have moved on with life and managed to form relationships with girls, yet i'm stranded alone, it's not something I linger on everyday, however it does hurt.

 

Not just sex, but a girlfriend.

 

If you're having trouble, just start going lower in the looks category. But don't think of it like you're stooping down. Think of it like you're experiencing life. You can meet some interesting, fun women if you do that.

 

Once you have had a girlfriend, you will find it much easier to talk to people about that kind of stuff.

 

I had a buddy who had never really had a real girlfriend until his early 30s, and after he finally got one, I found it a lot easier to talk to him about that kind of stuff, and we're closer friends.

[guest569]

Most people wouldn't expect much experience from a 21 yr old. You've just got to take little steps and get practice with socialising in general,then start some coffee dates. I recommend online dating (OLD as people insist on calling it, lol) This was how i started my journey into the dating world at 24. That was because I was quite shy and anxious about it and there aren't any places to go and meet people in my area unless you like drinking and clubbing.

 

I dont agree with others saying "stoop to dating ugly ones" cause it sounds to me like you haven't tried dating yet? So, no need to be desperate. Find women you are interested in and go from there.

Edited March 6, 2015 by smiley1

[1040]

I dont agree with others saying "stoop to dating ugly ones"

 

I wouldn't say "ugly ones." Just ones somewhat lower on the classic beauty scale, or unusual in some way like maybe being slightly nerdy. They can be fantastic girlfriends, not to mention better conversationalists.

 

Don't fixate on model-types, a common failing of us men.

[kolleamm]

Online dating is probably the worst place for a 21 year old male virgin to build his confidence.

 

That said, I would recommend OLD for him. It will teach him about the hierarchy that exists within dating and get him acclimated to rejection. The earlier you can get that drilled into your head, the better.

 

this guy! you crack me up! lol welcome to the club lmao