Sex with an ex - Chances

[Van Norden]

Okay, I recognize I am biased since I haven't been cured of my oneitis, so maybe I'm idealizing things.

 

I really miss my ex, though I know she was far from being a stable woman and had her flaws. Everyone has. But I'm unable to move on when I think of all the AWESOME SEX we had. Don't get me wrong. I actually LOVED every single word, walk or contact we had. But if I only knew beforehand that, once all wounds are healed and we're able to look past without any sighs, we will have chances to have sex again and sleep together, even if there is no romantic feel, I think I'd be more able to watch her straight in the eye without despairing when we occasionally (and sadly) meet and I feel like I've lost a world of passion and great attributes (one thing is that I'm still in love with her, or attached to her - don't really know - the other thing is that she fitted perfectly my prototype of perfect woman, which is a rare one dare I say). To add further info, we ended up in an amicable way (if that's possible) and we REALLY enjoyed spending time together, so it wouldn't be a chore to her. I just hope she does not feel compassionate for me for dumping me (haven't given her signs to be, and even I guess it's the normal way to feel, I hope those feelings will go away in the end) and the attraction (which I knew was high by both parts) can still be there.

 

Hints?

[Simon Phoenix]

Maybe it's because it's late and maybe I'm dumb, but I really don't know what you are trying to ask right now.

[Van Norden]

Maybe it's because it's late and maybe I'm dumb, but I really don't know what you are trying to ask right now.

 

 

The chances that there are to still have sex with an ex after an amicable rupture and its healing process.

[Simon Phoenix]

The chances that there are to still have sex with an ex after an amicable rupture and its healing process.

 

Who knows. If you've healed you probably won't care enough to pursue it. I've had sex with exes before, mostly because I was a dumper using them (hey, I was a dick in college) and another because it was a truly mutual breakup. But even with that I wasn't too overjoyed when she started dating someone else.

 

I wouldn't hold out hope for it. You're not at the point where you should consider such a thing.

[Van Norden]

Who knows. If you've healed you probably won't care enough to pursue it. I've had sex with exes before, mostly because I was a dumper using them (hey, I was a dick in college) and another because it was a truly mutual breakup. But even with that I wasn't too overjoyed when she started dating someone else.

 

I wouldn't hold out hope for it. You're not at the point where you should consider such a thing.

Yeah, I guess no one is a clairvoyant here, but I appreciate your tip. Thing is that we functioned really well in bed (or at least I guess so), she was really passionate with me and she is not the kind of woman who usually fakes things (or at least I guess so again ), plus she was to my eyes from day one before we ever made out the most gorgeous woman I've ever met, and the feeling of having lost her forever terrifies me and I'd rather cope with my mourning having at least a kind of guarantee or % that we'll meet again under the bed sheets, whether with the same passion or not.

 

Yesterday, in fact, a good friend of mine phoned me telling that the past weekend he got laid with her ex, with whom he sleeps occasionally without more than sex. But at the same time he also told between laughs that he was extremely drunk and yelled to her from the street that he loved her a lot. I found the thing extremely funny yet moving and with a tad bit of melancholy at the same time so yeah, I guess the feeling is not ever buried by both parts.

 

Maybe it's lack of self esteem or confidence, but I highly doubt I'll ever meet a woman under those standards I looked for, and having just to "conform" forever depresses the crap outta me. Guess I'm too young as well, but feeling already too old for trying new people or things. Uh, I should have not started this thread!

[KBarletta]

I'm still in love with her, or attached to her - don't really know

 

Apologies if this was addressed in another thread, but I am curious as to your age/her age and how experienced you are in relationships. Is she your first serious girlfriend? If so, your feelings are natural but you need to know that if things don't work out with her either as a GF or a FWB, you will meet someone else and move on someday, and she will become a distant memory. Everyone remembers their past loves but (unless they are obsessive and can't let go) they do move on and find happiness, too.

[Van Norden]

Apologies if this was addressed in another thread, but I am curious as to your age/her age and how experienced you are in relationships. Is she your first serious girlfriend? If so, your feelings are natural but you need to know that if things don't work out with her either as a GF or a FWB, you will meet someone else and move on someday, and she will become a distant memory. Everyone remembers their past loves but (unless they are obsessive and can't let go) they do move on and find happiness, too.

'kay, didn't want to play the drama-game, but here it is...

 

I'm 23, she is 26. She was my first GF indeed, but I don't think I'm suffering oneitis just for that. I've had plenty of one night stands and I'm not proud of that, but she was the first GF since I was unable to commit to any other woman before. Lots of promiscuity in the flesh market, lack of trust, lack of interest in shallow women who didn't feel complete to me..., and, apart from fitting my rare standards of beauty and some really obscure interests we shared (like getting out to shows - even if we didn't like the same music - or arty stuff), she seemed genuinely "pure" and "naive" for her age (plus she was older than me, something I've always liked). I was her third, and she didn't experience street sex since me. She didn't made out with men until 20 or so. Fairly unexperienced, you see. Now I get the feel that she didn't know how gorgeous she was and she went for me. I got instantly hooked and, whereas she felt a real attachment to me, she was proven uncapable to love me - and, dear friends, I doubt she ever will. That's why I thrive for some sex in a distant future, when my wounds can be healed, as a prize of consolation, since I really doubt I'll ever get along with a woman with the same qualities. Yeah, I know damn well about self-esteem. I lift, I read, I study, I create. But do you know when you are aware of your own limits and how a woman is far beyond your reach?

 

She obviously will get better quality sex with better looking men. She is beautiful, clever and, why not, she has the nicest rack ever seen (no pics, sorry). Now she must feel compassionate for me and maybe some of the admiration she professed for my virtues is true - but she'll surely move on. If any, I'll have to conform with some lower entertainment until she kindly agrees.

 

So this is my short story long. Hope you feel relieved after reading me act really beta. I really think I'm undergoing the saddest time of my life, and each time I try to move on meeting new people or dating women I get more and more bitter.

Edited March 3, 2015 by Van Norden

[KBarletta]

So this is my short story long. Hope you feel relieved after reading me act really beta. I really think I'm undergoing the saddest time of my life, and each time I try to move on meeting new people or dating women I get more and more bitter.

 

Thanks for the info. Truth is, it will help people give you better advice to know more about your situation.

 

This is your first serious relationship and for most of us, that was the one that was the hardest to get over. But you will. It just takes time. It's the saddest time of your life, yes, but it's something we all have gone through. It really does take time, but dwelling on it and obsessing over her looks and the guys she might see in the future and how great the sex was does you no good in the healing department. Unless she wants to reconcile, you have no choice but to concentrate on your own life, take care of yourself and try to forget her.

 

If you are bitter when you meet new women, you simply need more time.

[Van Norden]

Thanks for the info. Truth is, it will help people give you better advice to know more about your situation.

 

This is your first serious relationship and for most of us, that was the one that was the hardest to get over. But you will. It just takes time. It's the saddest time of your life, yes, but it's something we all have gone through. It really does take time, but dwelling on it and obsessing over her looks and the guys she might see in the future and how great the sex was does you no good in the healing department. Unless she wants to reconcile, you have no choice but to concentrate on your own life, take care of yourself and try to forget her.

 

If you are bitter when you meet new women, you simply need more time.

I'm really grateful for your words of advice. Yeah, I know damn well my theory, but it's taking me a lot of effort to move on. I'm dating women constantly. I'd get laid with lots of them but that wouldn't fix a thing. I feel like I don't search in the right places, and I've had bad experiences dating online people. I met my GF casually at a disco, but all the women I'm usually meeting in such places are of that promiscous and uninteresting kind I mentioned earlier. Not their fault, just the age we live in. See? I'm already old for my age, I think.

 

I don't really know. I've read cases which looked worse than mine that ended up in relationship. If you read my first posts where I explain my case, you'll see that we ended up amicably and wishing ourselves the best. She tested the waters and I guess I did well remaining silent. But nobody knows. Running out of hope seems the only way but then, stubborn as I am, that would mean conforming to lower standards, which depresses me more than what I am clinically. It's like I'm trying to pass my time reading best-sellers waiting for my well-known copy of Crime and Punishment to get back, you know?

 

In short, I don't want to miss her. None of us knew about his/her feelings. We were really dependant and that's all, but still we reeked of real passion that can't be faked. If I cannot be her husband or long term relationship again, such a pity. But at least I want to be able to date her for a coffee, a chat and a screw. We got really well together, she told me I was great at making her laugh, that I turned her on a lot, that she discovered lots of things with me, that I was the most intelligent man she's ever known..., and that's something I'm terrified to lose forever.

[CrystalShine2011]

I wouldn't get close to her again, it sounds like she really hurt you and still doesn't return the same feelings. :/

[Simon Phoenix]

I'm really grateful for your words of advice. Yeah, I know damn well my theory, but it's taking me a lot of effort to move on. I'm dating women constantly. I'd get laid with lots of them but that wouldn't fix a thing. I feel like I don't search in the right places, and I've had bad experiences dating online people. I met my GF casually at a disco, but all the women I'm usually meeting in such places are of that promiscous and uninteresting kind I mentioned earlier. Not their fault, just the age we live in. See? I'm already old for my age, I think.

 

I don't really know. I've read cases which looked worse than mine that ended up in relationship. If you read my first posts where I explain my case, you'll see that we ended up amicably and wishing ourselves the best. She tested the waters and I guess I did well remaining silent. But nobody knows. Running out of hope seems the only way but then, stubborn as I am, that would mean conforming to lower standards, which depresses me more than what I am clinically. It's like I'm trying to pass my time reading best-sellers waiting for my well-known copy of Crime and Punishment to get back, you know?

 

In short, I don't want to miss her. None of us knew about his/her feelings. We were really dependant and that's all, but still we reeked of real passion that can't be faked. If I cannot be her husband or long term relationship again, such a pity. But at least I want to be able to date her for a coffee, a chat and a screw. We got really well together, she told me I was great at making her laugh, that I turned her on a lot, that she discovered lots of things with me, that I was the most intelligent man she's ever known..., and that's something I'm terrified to lose forever.

 

First of all, you need to stop trying to use other girls to patch up the hole that this breakup created. That's your first issue. As for your desire to have sex with your ex let's be real, you want that because you want to fill the void. The relationship you describe doesn't deal with moving forward -- it deals with hanging back, staying in neutral. Even if you did have an FWB, she's going to eventually want to find a person that she shares more with. And that's what you should ultimately be focused on, not just looking for an occasional bang with no feelings from a woman who has decided to be done with you as a romantic partner.

 

Honestly, you sound desperate and are trying to hold onto straws right now. You need to recover, and you aren't going to cover if you keep plotting for your ex to be a slampiece in the future. You have to evolve past that.

[Van Norden]

Thing is that it will be near impossible to find another one who shares with me the same interests, with her same passion and turning me on as she did. There was a strange set of elements which were unique to her, and that's why I'm mourning her loss in such a childish way. Unless I'm dating Gianna Michaels chances are very short that I'll ever see such type of body again, and it's very cruel that, feeling mutually interested sexually, we cannot have such glorious times because of interwined feelings that do not necessarily correspond.

 

Deep in my heart I want to think that attraction is never lessened and eventually we'll be able to look past our sentimental differences and heal ourselves to share such great moments again. In fact, what would be ideal to me is that we could engage tegether in another LTR, but I've already started to hold out no hope for that. Just wish me time to not hold out hope for the eventual sex I'm asking for.

 

Oh, and thanks again for your advice. Hope my explanation makes sense.

[Van Norden]

Once again, sorry for my whimpy words. That's what anonimity permits, doesn't it? All in all, I'm just looking for a string of words to soothe me and help me to move on. My therapist told me that "if it's meant to be, it will be". And it worked for some hours. But I know that this stuff doesn't work by both parts, and love is cruel and unfair. She may be able to recover and have a brilliant life, she's really meant to be. I have no certainty at all. And, while I'm just waiting for her to realise that grass isn't always greener, I may be getting dumped by other women at discos and wasting my time and patience with different women that do not conform to my idealized one. One of the last things she told me in response to "I just want the glorious times back or no times at all" was that "maybe when she made up her mind I wouldn't accept her back". I know I would but still I have to play the game that "maybe yes, maybe not" and weep at forums like a weakling.

 

In short, each time a flashback of our wonderful relationship gets back to me furtively without even noticing, I feel my stomach kicked and wonder how will I last before a tragedy happens. Yeah, my loss. But it's so difficult to cope and maybe I'm not made for this stuff at all.

[Simon Phoenix]

Thing is that it will be near impossible to find another one who shares with me the same interests, with her same passion and turning me on as she did. There was a strange set of elements which were unique to her, and that's why I'm mourning her loss in such a childish way. Unless I'm dating Gianna Michaels chances are very short that I'll ever see such type of body again, and it's very cruel that, feeling mutually interested sexually, we cannot have such glorious times because of interwined feelings that do not necessarily correspond.

 

Deep in my heart I want to think that attraction is never lessened and eventually we'll be able to look past our sentimental differences and heal ourselves to share such great moments again. In fact, what would be ideal to me is that we could engage tegether in another LTR, but I've already started to hold out no hope for that. Just wish me time to not hold out hope for the eventual sex I'm asking for.

 

Oh, and thanks again for your advice. Hope my explanation makes sense.

 

One of these days you'll realize that attraction and love goes beyond physical appearance and sexual chemistry. Honestly, your idea of true love sounds pretty shallow by the way you describe it. That's not to say that physical beauty and sexual chemistry isn't important, but it's not the whole equation.

 

And honestly, you need to stop going around and trying to hit on everything that moves. All that's doing is keeping your ex on this pedestal that you've created. You're comparing everyone to her, and that's not going to work.

 

And give me a break on the "I'll never meet anyone so perfect again". I mean, you met your ex right? So obviously it's possible to meet someone that gets you going. Who's to say that it won't happen with anyone else? It can, but you have to let it.

[Van Norden]

One of these days you'll realize that attraction and love goes beyond physical appearance and sexual chemistry. Honestly, your idea of true love sounds pretty shallow by the way you describe it. That's not to say that physical beauty and sexual chemistry isn't important, but it's not the whole equation.

 

And honestly, you need to stop going around and trying to hit on everything that moves. All that's doing is keeping your ex on this pedestal that you've created. You're comparing everyone to her, and that's not going to work.

 

And give me a break on the "I'll never meet anyone so perfect again". I mean, you met your ex right? So obviously it's possible to meet someone that gets you going. Who's to say that it won't happen with anyone else? It can, but you have to let it.

I know it's shallow, but that is how I am. Looks matter to me, A LOT in fact. But if I haven't got a serious relationship until now is because the mixture of an interesting psyche and a dropdead appearance was yet unknown to me. Sadly, I feel she was actually over my possibilities and that is one chance in a million. I guess I will have to just conform from now on. And there are not that fishes in my sea, I am used to hang out with older people with nice appearance and good conversation that haven't found their princess and don't even hope for. Obviously, there is a lot more than just sex in what I miss, but honestly I cannot get over the idea that I won't find another woman half as smokin' hot as I used to date.

Edited March 4, 2015 by Van Norden

[KBarletta]

Thing is that it will be near impossible to find another one who shares with me the same interests, with her same passion and turning me on as she did.

 

This is a fairly normal thought soon after a breakup, particularly when it's a "first love" kind of thing. The fact is though, you will find someone else, and you will be happy again. You just need time and space to get over this.

 

To be honest, it sounds as if you have some growing up to do, and I would recommend you start by going NC with this woman, spending some time alone and concentrating on yourself and moving on. Unless this woman is knocking on your door telling you she wants you back, your best option is to move on. All these other ideas and thoughts you are expressing are only going to delay your opportunity to get on with the rest of your life.

[Van Norden]

This is a fairly normal thought soon after a breakup, particularly when it's a "first love" kind of thing. The fact is though, you will find someone else, and you will be happy again. You just need time and space to get over this.

... there is no empyrical proof to it, though.

I know I've got a lot of grow up to do, but I'm also aware of the fact that love and sex moves mountains. Why so many dating sites? Why it seems that everyone longs for the weekend to try again to just get laid? It is not something you find each day, and looks like there is people who doesn't even smell it. There is no valid proof that I'm going to get in love again or, if I do, that I can be corresponded. Until then, what am I supposed to do? As I told before, I'm already into positive readings, I like writing, I lift weights, I get out with friends (though a bit kinda forced), I study, I work. Still I cannot find any key to my tribulations, and patience fades as hope diminishes..., also my brain does not function as it should (clinical depression, anxiety and the sorts), so you know, looks like I'm better off dead. Obviously there are women into me, but I'm not into them. And I know it's too soon to even think about it, that I must heal, that I must remain NC and don't even question any of her actions or feelings towards me for now. But once the time of recovery passes and I see there is no other one, what comes next? Just "get f*cked, as we all do", as a friend of mine said? Once again, thanks for your patience and attention. It kinda feels worse to do all that emotional striptease to unknown people but at least I'm getting more help than with some closer ones.

Edited March 4, 2015 by Van Norden

[KBarletta]

You need to stop looking for your next great love and start just being your own best friend.

 

Forget about pursuing women for a while, particularly the one you need to get over. Just focus on your own life. Find hobbies. Learn something new. Travel. Become a better, more well rounded person. All of these things will help you move on and grow up, two things you need to concentrate on right now.

 

You are 23. This was your first real relationship. You are hurting now, but please know that you will be fine. I cannot say it enough that your feelings are pretty normal right now. Just don't let them consume you. Anyone who has been through this more than once will tell you that your feeling that you'll never meet anyone as good as her is going to seem ridiculous some day when you come back and look at this thread.

 

Have you seen a therapist? I'd recommend it - you are suffering from depression, anxiety and are joking that you are "better off dead" - you need to talk to someone and sort these feelings out sooner rather than later.

[Van Norden]

You need to stop looking for your next great love and start just being your own best friend.

 

Forget about pursuing women for a while, particularly the one you need to get over. Just focus on your own life. Find hobbies. Learn something new. Travel. Become a better, more well rounded person. All of these things will help you move on and grow up, two things you need to concentrate on right now.

 

You are 23. This was your first real relationship. You are hurting now, but please know that you will be fine. I cannot say it enough that your feelings are pretty normal right now. Just don't let them consume you. Anyone who has been through this more than once will tell you that your feeling that you'll never meet anyone as good as her is going to seem ridiculous some day when you come back and look at this thread.

 

Have you seen a therapist? I'd recommend it - you are suffering from depression, anxiety and are joking that you are "better off dead" - you need to talk to someone and sort these feelings out sooner rather than later.

Once again, thanks for the comprehension and help. It seems like older people doesn't always get such deal of empathy towards younger kiddos.

 

Sometimes I tend to joke at how I'm mourning the boobs and not the person. The fact that those were the most perfect ones I've ever seen is just a mere anecdote. Truth is that I'm missing the whole lot, and if I don't get more into detail of those aspects that have nothing to do with physical appearance is because... damn, I just wanted to talk about sex in here!

 

As for the therapy issue - I'm in, and taking antidepressants since a month before the rupture, for it's a long time issue which has never been fixed until now. Meeting the most perfect woman I'd already fall in love before even having sex with was the decisive point in which I realized that my feelings of misery weren't related with just an incapability to be alone. Now that I've tasted this, I really feel incapable to be alone again. And well, now I feel much sh*ttier than before, I'm already doubling doses and feeling like sh*t as well. Don't know how long shall it last but, as I said, it feels like I'm running out of patience each day...

 

One last time, thanks for all the tips. Much appreciated.

[KBarletta]

Sometimes I tend to joke at how I'm mourning the boobs and not the person.

 

As a side note, and I haven't mentioned this yet in four months on these boards, but I could say the same thing about my wife. She's pushing 40, but damn they are as good as it gets. So I feel your pain on that one.

 

[Van Norden]

As a side note, and I haven't mentioned this yet in four months on these boards, but I could say the same thing about my wife. She's pushing 40, but damn they are as good as it gets. So I feel your pain on that one.

 

Hahaha, I didn't want to get that explicit but hell, how does one move on from that? It would be actually funny if pain wasn't that real.

[ASG]

You know... I've had sex with exes when I was still not over them.

 

One of them, we ended up sleeping together for MONTHS after we broke up. And I was still kinda pinning for him. As soon as my life took a turn for the better, I stopped sleeping with him, as I just didn't see the appeal anymore.

 

With another ex, it was a mutual breakup. And OMG the post breakup sex was AMAZING! I was still in love with him, even though we were both very clear that we didn't want to get back together. Then I went away for work for a couple of months, met different people... And when I got back I slept with my ex again... and it was so disappointing. I was so over him, that I saw the sex for what it was... boring. That was the last time it happened, despite hints from him that we should do it again.

 

 

So my prediction is that, once you're healed... you won't really think about her that much and having sex with her will be moot.

[KBarletta]

Hahaha, I didn't want to get that explicit but hell, how does one move on from that? It would be actually funny if pain wasn't that real.

 

How does one move on from that? By realizing that there are nearly 4 billion women on the planet. How many of them have you met? The chances of her being the best one out of those 4 billion when you've only met a few thousand at most are pretty slim.