Questions

[Growing Up...]

I was never a "Pretty" child.

 

I say this, because it explains, in some ways, why my 21 year life has been riddled with relationships going south. I was a big girl - 5'8, 300 lbs. Yeah...A real big girl.

 

When I was 17, I moved into an apartment, and my online boyfriend (age 18) moved from Arizona to Kentucky to be with me. A few months later, we moved to AZ, and that relationship began to fail.

 

I was such a bitch! Looking back now, I see how squandry and frivilous the fights we had were. Can you believe I actually threw a fit because -get this- he called it Soda instead of pop! Some of the things I did were so utterly ridiculous that I wouldn't dare repeat them.

 

And he stood by my side, married me when I was 17...Took hell for a year and a half. Then...He couldn't take it anymore.

 

In November of 2001, we broke up, technically. I was on Probation and had already started interstate compact to go home, to KY. November and December I still stayed with him...Physically, we were lovers, but he had already ended the relationship.

 

One of the hardest things I ever had to do was get on that Greyhound and travel home, crawling back to my family.

 

Chris and I were friends for about half a year, then when I met Josh....We drifted apart.

 

Josh and I have been married since December, 2002. In October 2003, I had a little boy.

 

I love Josh...But lately I've realized more and ore that I only settled for him. I only settled for a mediocre life because I couldn'thave what I really wanted. Still, though this relationship,..Chris has haunted me, stayed with my mind at every turn and never given me a chance to relax.I never stopped loving him.

 

The reason why I was so stupid before, was that I suffered from Bipolar Disorder...And never knew it. Now I do.

 

I've already damaged things alost irrepairable with Josh, my current husband, but still he stays by my side, always believing that I am someone that I am, most certainly, not. He tries to make me into something that I could never be...Sure, I tried for awhile, but I am tired of trying.

 

Whenever I talk to him about leaving him, I get the suicide treatment - someone out there has got to know what I mean by that.

 

He's trying so hard...But I just don't feel like I am in love with him anymore. And yet, I cannot trust my own judgement because of my bipolar disorder...What if this is just a sick game my own mind is playing on me, and one day I will regret leaving him? What if I don't leave him and I regret it for the rest of my life? So many questions, s few answers...

 

Has anyone else been in a similar situation?

[laRubiaBonita]

Just cause you think you are ugly, and because you are fat DOES NOT mean you have to settle for sub-par relationships or treatment.

 

build your self-esteem, you need to believe that you are beautiful, strong and worthy before anyone else will.

 

and you are! how many 17 yr. old girls can move out by themselves, then away? that takes a lot of guts and courage!

 

yeah, maybe you made some mistakes, but that is part of growing up. and you seem to be learning from those mistakes too.

 

Take care of yourself, love yourself, and things will change.