Very Personal Problem of a Female Virgin

[Hymen-Girl]

Hi...

 

I am a 23-year-old virgin. My problem is that I am not sure if I will ever be able to have sex without penetration being a HUGE ordeal, or (GULP!) ever be able to have sex at all. My hymen tissue is unbroken, and I guess covers enough of the opening of my vagina that the opening is really small. I couldn't even find the opening until a gynecologist pointed it out to me when I was 20! She put her littlist finger in just to reassure me that something could possibly go in there, but decided that since I was not sexually active she would spare me the pap smear. A few months later, I was finally able to get in a tampon. I can only use the slenderest kind, and I have to lay down and take a lot of deep breaths to get it in. Of course it expands a little, so by the time I am ready to take it out, I think I am getting a training course in what it might be like to give birth. And it is still not even as thick as a penis!! Lately, when I decide to use a tampon, it is not as bad as it used to be-- doesn't hurt as much to take it out, but I still have to be laying down.

 

Ugh!! What am I to do? I tried going to a sex toy shop, and looked for their smallest dildo to maybe stretch myself out a little with. The smallest was still to thick for me. (And when I went up to the counter to pay, the counter lady looked at me pitiably and said, "Are you SURE that will be all for today??") Later, I bought an anal plug instead, just because it was narrower at the narrowest point, and then it widens as you go further toward the base. I thought maybe I could stretch myself out that way. I can get some of it in me, but I don't know if it is helping to stretch me out. Anyway, it's such a chore! I wish it could be pleasurable!

 

There seems to be two problems physically-- one, really f*cking small vaginal opening; two, vaginal muscles that kind of clench a little when I am feeling really stressed (like stressed about taking a tampon out).

 

Does anyone have this problem? If any men have dared to read this far, has anyone had a girlfriend/sexual partner with this problem? WILL I EVER HAVE SEX??? I feel like I am inching closer to an age where people just ASSUME that I'm not a virgin!

[LucreziaBorgia]

I hope you are using lubrication! Tampons go in much easier if you put a drop of lube on the tip to help it slip in.

 

Are you also doing other pleasureable things to yourself so that its not just a sterile "stretching out insertion method". Stretching it out slowly, with lots of lubrication and done with a certain amount of pleasure would certainly help, I would think. Maybe a vibe would help too?

[NiCoLe20]

maybe if you take a hot bath one nite and play around you'll stretch it out more. your muscles and nerves will be more relaxed and soothed so it might work easier for you to do that.

[NTB]

wow talk about pressure on a guy

[Naive]

Why don't you wait until you meet the right guy and let him "open" it up for you? I am sure than once you are aroused it will be more easy.

[whichwayisup]

I can sense how scared you are...Look at it this way...There are two good kinds of pain. Sex and birth. One you feel good and sore - and the other - well obviously a baby! (not to mention sore etc...)

 

Try to relax, it's not going to kill ya! Try some yoga and deep breathing... This will relax you and when you start to feel tense - Breathe in and out...Feel your heartbeat slow down...Take the vibe and with lots of lube have some fun and ENJOY it! If you're waiting and antispating all the pain - YOU will feel it. Some of this is mind control! When you are stressed, the whole body tenses up...And so do your crotch muscles...

 

Maybe masterbating and exploring yourself more will let you feel more relaxed! Have fun!

 

I like the suggestion of putting abit of lube on the tampon! Geez, wish MY mom had told me that when I first started using them when I was younger!! LOL!

[Tamed Wildflower]

Thanks for the advice.

 

Yes, I do use lube, a lot of it.

 

Coupling "stretching" with masturbation: I have tried this, but the "stretching" is so stressful that I stop being aroused! There is no way around it- the stretching always feels like a medical procedure. Imagine that you are masturbating, having a grand time, and someone suggests that you suddenly take a hypodermic needle and give yourself a nice flu shot! Like a shot, it feels medical and painful, who wants that while your horny?!?! I've tried to think of it as erotic, but I can't very easily.

 

I did manage to get my index finger in once while intensely aroused. My body was SOO tight around my finger. And I have smallish female fingers!!! Isn't it pleasureable for most women to put their fingers in? Please tell me what about it is pleasurable-- do you have to get your fingers in deep for it to feel good? (I HATE that I am this clueless at the age of 23!! It's kind of pathetic!)

 

Waiting for the right guy: yes, I figure that this is what I'll have to do. But I will also have to stretch myself out a little before then, no?

 

Please answer this question: what are most women/girl's vaginas like before they have sex? Is the opening always a very narrow thing that has to be stretched? What about hymen tissue? I have always heard that it is supposed to break the first time. I don't understand how this can happen. Does it usually happen that way?

[Tamed Wildflower]

Sh*t-- I just revealed my identity didn't I... by responding with my regular username... oh, I am really embarassed.

[Tamed Wildflower]

I am also wondering-- why is it that so many women crave girth in a man's penis? As you can probably imagine... I DREAD girth!

 

 

Still soooo embarassed about having revealed my identity... you can all laugh at me now..

[NTB]

pain is pleasure...

[Been There Done That]

I had the same problem and I lived through it! When I was in my early 20s, trips to the gyno were not pleasant--I hear you. BUT once you find someone you're really comfortable with, it all works out, believe me. It took my boyfriend and I a couple of tries and it didn't happen right away--we had to explore other options for a bit! We had some laughs over it.

 

But third try was a charm I'm 35 now, with no problems. It all loosened up naturally over time with "practice." When the time comes around, just be honest with your partner, and look at the first couple/few tries as "warm-ups." I'm sure your guy will understand! Mine did.

 

There are things in this life to worry about. Take it from someone who's on the other side of the problem you have now--this ain't one of them. Be honest about it, and if your guy doesn't understand, you're with the wrong guy.

 

Relax and have fun!

[Naive]

Don't worry about revealing who you are because in reality your real identity is safe, that is what is so good about LoveShack!!!

[Tamed Wildflower]

Thank you Been There Done That-- your words are really reassuring!

 

I think I have always imagined that I would eventually find a boyfriend or even just a really understanding on-going sexual partner (like a friends-with-benefits thing) and we would be able to work through it together, but it is WONDERFUL to get this reassurance from someone who has been there. I imagine that it will take me more than 3 times to get it -- 4, 6, 12, maybe 20 tries, I don't know, but I hope it is not that hard. It's a catch-22 of sorts, if you are really TRYING, you are not relaxed, but it's hard to relax when you really want it to work!

 

There seems to be no easy magic solution to this, so...

 

I guess I should just do as you all suggested: try stretching myself out when I am relaxed and aroused, and also just wait for an understanding partner that I am comfortable with, trust, and can get INCREDIBLY aroused with.

 

Thanks, Everyone!

[purple21]

Hi - don't be embarassed we are all here to help

I suffered from Vaginismus for a long time.

Vaginismus is an involuntary contraction of the muscles surrounding the entrance to the vagina, making penetration impossible and/or painful.

 

At first I went to the gyno before i knew what it was because penetration was so unberably painful. I knew something wasn't right. I got chked out and she told me everything was fine and to try to strech out the opening while taking a bath. In my case though she told me the opening was normal or whatever.

 

Anyway after doing some research and seeing a sex therapist i found out that vaginismus was the problem. So I got a few books and she made me watch a video with my boyfriend - yeah that was fun viewing - it looked like it was from 1970 - lol

 

Anyways - another thing she told me was to find different size things to get use to the feeling of diff sizes - usually any sex toy will be too big to start with because it's just as big as a penis - so the less expensive thing to do is actually to start with q-tips, then tampons, fingers, and then you could buy anal toys because they tend to start out at smaller sizes and are pretty cheap, one book i read mentioned candles.

 

Anywho I found a website online where you can actually buy a set of dilators in diff sizes and that really helped me - it comes with a workbook - lol. It was on the pricey side but after turning 30 I wanted to fix the problem right away - i was way too horny - lol. You basically start with the smallest size and practice inserting and keeping it in so you can get control of those muscles and it really helped. Unfortunately for my bfriend he wasn't able to reap the benefits but I did have successful sex afterwards without that extreme pain and it was great -

 

I'll pm you the website - it has a lot of good info on it - if you have anymore questions i'm more than willing to answer - i don't want anyone to suffer as long as i did - lol

 

damn - i need to find a new bf quick - lol

[Tamed Wildflower]

I just wanted to post up the URL for the very helpful website that Purple recommended, just in case anyone else with this problem reads this thread and would benefit from it:

 

http://www.vaginismus.com