Friends with Benefits

[Under_The_Sea]

I know this is going to be a little long....it's a lot of venting and a little bit of advice seeking.

 

Started a new job about 6 months or so ago and had a bit of a crush on someone in the office. Ignored it as I had a LDR and he has a partner of many years. But a couple of months ago, we went out drinking and I ended up back at his place, innocently just to carry on drinking since everywhere was closed.

He told me that he was having problems with his partner and that he wanted us to have sex since there was obviously something between us at work. I said no for a good couple of hours, but his mood kept dropping and so I told him that if it weren't for partners I would in a heartbeat and that was the starting point of something I didn't think I'd do.

 

We spent the night together and in the morning we cuddled and kissed and talked about life in general.

We got ready for work and he said he felt bad about it. His exact words were "So...just the one time then, yeah?" and I agreed happily. I'd had fun and I didn't want him to feel bad by asking anything more.

I didn't feel used, it'd been my choice and knew there were other considerations.

 

But it didn't end. He ended up at mine and he said that he'd only felt bad because he didn't want me to feel used and that he was happy to carry on fooling around.

 

I ended my LDR because I felt that if I was cheating, there was obviously something missing.

 

But the whole thing is strange to me, because of the way he talks to me when we're together.

I'm happy for it to just be 'a bit of fun' and I wouldn't ever push him for anything more, because of his relationship and also as he's specifically told me he'd hate if I got feelings for him as he'd feel bad and that he'd stop things straight away.

To me, just having sex shouldn't involve saying sweet things to me.....but....this whole thing is new to me, so maybe it does?

He told me I was beautiful and constantly asks me why I don't love him or if I'm getting feelings for him.

 

In the morning, he always holds me really tightly and brushes my hair out of my face, strokes my hair, kisses me, looks at me, talks to me about his life and we've cosied up watching things on his phone a few times.

 

On Friday 13th, the night before Valentine's Day, he came to my place and after a few drinks told me that he'd made his partner cry because he'd told her he had plans. I spent Valentine's morning with him and then went to work with him....and she got to cry alone at home while the man she loves 'had plans'. =/

 

I've told him that he isn't going to help his relationship by doing things like that. And he's even said he doesn't know why they're together aside from being together for so many years makes him feel like they should move in together and try and make it better.

 

I don't undersstand why he's with her if he's going to be with me so often when we're "just **** buddies". Or is that just me looking too far into it?

 

I don't want to feel like the feelings I have will start affecting things, I'm quite happy for him to do what he wants to do...but sometimes he makes me feel like he wants me and I hate that...

[jbrent890]

Your solution is very simple, stop the relationship. You obviously feel bad for what you are doing.

[Rainbowlove]

First off, you don't have a crush on someone and then "innocently" go back to his place. Why are you lying to yourself about this? You knew full well what you were doing going back to his place that night and why. Stop pretending you didn't mean for anything to happen between you two.

 

Second, can't you find a **** buddy that doesn't have a partner or girlfriend?

 

Problem solved.

[Under_The_Sea]

I dont feel bad, just confused.

I also don't want to end it. I'm happy as things are (minus the confusion) I'm also happy for him to stop things when he moves in with her (that's what he said his plan is) and I'd also be happy for them to end and to carry on either like this or whatever. So I don't plan on stopping things, I just kind of want some clarification as to how things are for other people in the OW/OM situation and if this is strange or if it's the norm.

 

And yeah, it was completely innocent! I'm happy to go over to peoples' houses and drink and watch films and such without considering other things happening. It was only a crush, it wasn't anything more than that and I had no intention of starting anything myself. Also had no idea in the slightest that he'd ever want to. The only info I had about him and his OH was that they'd been together since forever.

Like I said, I said no for hours. Was even phoning for a taxi home at one point. But he changed my mind.

 

We HAVE hung out and done innocent things together alone, like watch tv and play pool and such, it isn't like we only ever have sex. So it was originally innocent.

 

At this point, finding someone else isn't going to happen. Like I said, aside from the confusion from his side, I'm quite happy for it carry on. I was actually MORE happy for him to want things since I figured there'd be no chance of him wanting more and I don't want a relationship right now, whereas someone single would have been more complicated. (Or so I thought...)

[minimariah]

i wouldn't call you the OW - okay, your dude is in a relationship & he is cheating on his girlfriend but... i have a feeling you're his exit affair & he's just kinda waiting for that decision to mature in him.

 

as far as him telling you sweet things - that really doesn't have to mean anything. i know, because i did the same thing your dude is doing - i could never just have sex, i always had to add in some fake romance or attention... it's simply who i am. & my then FWB confused my attention & desire for romance for me actually being in love with him.

 

so to answer your Q - yeah, those things are pretty normal for some of us. if he told you straight up he doesn't want any future with you then that's it.

 

of course, there is a option 2 where he genuinely is interested in being with you but is afraid of rejection so with all that "just sex" stuff he is protecting himself while testing the waters with you by being affectionate (to see how you'll react).

 

his behavior is all too familir to me so i'd say he isn't interested in anything serious with you.

 

ALSO - you're in denial. you definitely want something from him or otherwise you wouldn't be thinking about his words or behavior at all. if you really don't give a damn and if you're just "whatever" with the entire situation - you wouldn't even notice his behavior or think about his sweet words & what he does with his R, so there is that. clearly, you're interested to see where it goes.

[Under_The_Sea]

Well that's good then. I just honestly didn't want him to be feeling things that would interfere with them or cause complcations.

I've never been one to be able to say things like that to people when they're not genuine, but if others can then I can happily ignore it!

 

He's a friend, so I do care about what's going on with him, but nothing more than that. I think in another life maybe I'd want something? Possibly? Since he is a mate, I do think he's fun and good company and all that jazz...so I couldn't say I could never fall for him, but I genuinely don't right here right now. I don't want a relationship full stop and doubt I'd be going for someone who was happy to cheat anyway!

 

Thankyou for helping! Weight off my shoulders now lol

[minimariah]

don't forget about the option 2! LOL.

he might be interested and he might feel something more. it's not impossible so... be careful with that. like i said, maybe he's genuinely falling for you but isn't capable of breaking up his relationship (for now). i mean, they don't even live together + he told her he had plans on V day & made her cry and didn't really bother him so... ain't no love there.

 

their relationship might fall apart sooner than you think.

[Under_The_Sea]

Yeah I was just going to ignore that! D;

 

Hopefully it's #1!

[the_artist_1970]

I know this is going to be a little long....it's a lot of venting and a little bit of advice seeking.

 

Started a new job about 6 months or so ago and had a bit of a crush on someone in the office. Ignored it as I had a LDR and he has a partner of many years. But a couple of months ago, we went out drinking and I ended up back at his place, innocently just to carry on drinking since everywhere was closed.

He told me that he was having problems with his partner and that he wanted us to have sex since there was obviously something between us at work. I said no for a good couple of hours, but his mood kept dropping and so I told him that if it weren't for partners I would in a heartbeat and that was the starting point of something I didn't think I'd do.

 

We spent the night together and in the morning we cuddled and kissed and talked about life in general.

We got ready for work and he said he felt bad about it. His exact words were "So...just the one time then, yeah?" and I agreed happily. I'd had fun and I didn't want him to feel bad by asking anything more.

I didn't feel used, it'd been my choice and knew there were other considerations.

 

But it didn't end. He ended up at mine and he said that he'd only felt bad because he didn't want me to feel used and that he was happy to carry on fooling around.

 

I ended my LDR because I felt that if I was cheating, there was obviously something missing.

 

But the whole thing is strange to me, because of the way he talks to me when we're together.

I'm happy for it to just be 'a bit of fun' and I wouldn't ever push him for anything more, because of his relationship and also as he's specifically told me he'd hate if I got feelings for him as he'd feel bad and that he'd stop things straight away.

To me, just having sex shouldn't involve saying sweet things to me.....but....this whole thing is new to me, so maybe it does?

He told me I was beautiful and constantly asks me why I don't love him or if I'm getting feelings for him.

 

In the morning, he always holds me really tightly and brushes my hair out of my face, strokes my hair, kisses me, looks at me, talks to me about his life and we've cosied up watching things on his phone a few times.

 

On Friday 13th, the night before Valentine's Day, he came to my place and after a few drinks told me that he'd made his partner cry because he'd told her he had plans. I spent Valentine's morning with him and then went to work with him....and she got to cry alone at home while the man she loves 'had plans'. =/

 

I've told him that he isn't going to help his relationship by doing things like that. And he's even said he doesn't know why they're together aside from being together for so many years makes him feel like they should move in together and try and make it better.

 

I don't undersstand why he's with her if he's going to be with me so often when we're "just **** buddies". Or is that just me looking too far into it?

 

I don't want to feel like the feelings I have will start affecting things, I'm quite happy for him to do what he wants to do...but sometimes he makes me feel like he wants me and I hate that...

 

So you slept with him in him and his partners bed? Why is he with her. He simply needs two women to satisfy his fragile ego.

[elaine567]

I have a feeling that "nice", "decent" people engaging in As, want it to be more than just "wham bam thank you ma'am", as that would mean they are a

shallow, uncaring person, so they make up little stories in their heads around it.

Romantic stuff that is perhaps more about justification for their lust, than deep feelings of love and affection.

 

I think it is easy for people who are engaged in LTRs to sort of mix up in their mind who they are actually with sometimes, and so the

stroking the hair, the kissing, the lingering looks can all be second nature, reflexes to intimacy and

not necessarily the signs of real love for the person they are having an A with.

 

As this man and his gf aren't even living together yet, he needs to break it off with her, as

obviously he doesn't really care for her, otherwise he wouldn't be having an A with the OP.

 

The OP is to all intents and purposes the OW, and whilst this may be "fun" for her, it is definitely not fun for the other girl.

He needs to grow a pair.

[Chasing_mya]

What do you want or hope to gain from this man that lives with his partner? He's going to continue with you both for as long as you both allow. Are you okay with the friend with benefits? If your developing feelings and he's not looking to leave his partner than you really need to remove yourself from all this.

[Sassy Girl]

I would say... don't trust what he says... he's a proven cheater and liar...

 

 

As for all the affection - snuggling, the hair thing, kissing etc...MM does HEAPS of that with me. Doesn't mean anything, except that he's affectionate and probably cares for me. He not changing his situation anytime soon, and I am still not #1 in his life. Its just affection. Doesn't actually mean anything.

 

 

As for the Valentine's stuff - who did he spend that night with?? Sounds like it wasn't you, so that makes things pretty clear. I'm sure he spent it with someone???

[Ronnie33]

Get out now before he moves in with his gf or you will be posting here's year from now asking us how to go NC.

[Gloria_Smellons]

If you we're genuinely just **** buddies you wouldn't be asking all these questions because you wouldn't actually care about the answers. It's not your place to worry about him or the state of his relationship.

 

To answer your question, just because people are 'just' ****ing, they can still say nice things and cuddle afterwards. It doesn't have to mean anything.

 

If it is making you uncomfortable just tell him straight up to stop doing it. Problem solved. Treat it more like a business transaction. Meet up, do the deed, depart. And for goodness sake tell him to keep his mouth shut abut his current relationship. Thats none of your business and he shouldn't be trying to make it yours. ****ing shouldn't come with this much baggage.

[pheonixrisen]

I dont feel bad, just confused.

I also don't want to end it. I'm happy as things are (minus the confusion) I'm also happy for him to stop things when he moves in with her (that's what he said his plan is) and I'd also be happy for them to end and to carry on either like this or whatever. So I don't plan on stopping things, I just kind of want some clarification as to how things are for other people in the OW/OM situation and if this is strange or if it's the norm.

 

And yeah, it was completely innocent! I'm happy to go over to peoples' houses and drink and watch films and such without considering other things happening. It was only a crush, it wasn't anything more than that and I had no intention of starting anything myself. Also had no idea in the slightest that he'd ever want to. The only info I had about him and his OH was that they'd been together since forever.

Like I said, I said no for hours. Was even phoning for a taxi home at one point. But he changed my mind.

 

We HAVE hung out and done innocent things together alone, like watch tv and play pool and such, it isn't like we only ever have sex. So it was originally innocent.

 

At this point, finding someone else isn't going to happen. Like I said, aside from the confusion from his side, I'm quite happy for it carry on. I was actually MORE happy for him to want things since I figured there'd be no chance of him wanting more and I don't want a relationship right now, whereas someone single would have been more complicated. (Or so I thought...)

 

Why would he stop when he has a gf who is clueless ...and a side dish who is more than willing and available .

 

He made himself very clear not to fall for him coz he will stop straight away ...but here is the real kicker he hopes you do get attached ..coz when you do he can control you ...then all this spending of extra times become you waiting around for him all day just to get a msg or remove spare time for you maybe once a week or month...

 

and when you do get attached ...It will be hard to walk away no matter what you are telling your self today...

 

and take note: even though this thing with you is new ...If he wanted to have an authentic future with you he would not be moving in with his gf...you are just that and always will be his secret life.

[Under_The_Sea]

What do you want or hope to gain from this man that lives with his partner? He's going to continue with you both for as long as you both allow. Are you okay with the friend with benefits? If your developing feelings and he's not looking to leave his partner than you really need to remove yourself from all this.

I don't hope to gain anything.

I was just getting worried that either he did, or he didn't and my feelings that he did would ruin things.

 

I'm totally fine with the FWB situation.

[Under_The_Sea]

I have a feeling that "nice", "decent" people engaging in As, want it to be more than just "wham bam thank you ma'am", as that would mean they are a

shallow, uncaring person, so they make up little stories in their heads around it.

Romantic stuff that is perhaps more about justification for their lust, than deep feelings of love and affection.

 

I think it is easy for people who are engaged in LTRs to sort of mix up in their mind who they are actually with sometimes, and so the

stroking the hair, the kissing, the lingering looks can all be second nature, reflexes to intimacy and

not necessarily the signs of real love for the person they are having an A with.

 

As this man and his gf aren't even living together yet, he needs to break it off with her, as

obviously he doesn't really care for her, otherwise he wouldn't be having an A with the OP.

 

The OP is to all intents and purposes the OW, and whilst this may be "fun" for her, it is definitely not fun for the other girl.

He needs to grow a pair.

Makes sense, the whole pretending thing.

 

I think he loves her, just having issues right now (especially bedroom-wise) and I think I'm a way of coping with that.

[Under_The_Sea]

If you we're genuinely just **** buddies you wouldn't be asking all these questions because you wouldn't actually care about the answers. It's not your place to worry about him or the state of his relationship.

 

To answer your question, just because people are 'just' ****ing, they can still say nice things and cuddle afterwards. It doesn't have to mean anything.

 

If it is making you uncomfortable just tell him straight up to stop doing it. Problem solved. Treat it more like a business transaction. Meet up, do the deed, depart. And for goodness sake tell him to keep his mouth shut abut his current relationship. Thats none of your business and he shouldn't be trying to make it yours. ****ing shouldn't come with this much baggage.

 

Although we're messing around, he's still my friend, so I do care about his state of mind. If he was starting to get confused and want more, I'd want to know so I could stop things...or help him figure things out, whatever. I do care about him as a friend.

 

I don't mind hearing about his partner....it sounds all kinds of ****ed up, but even though I'm allowing him to cheat, I do actually try to help him in that department.

Talked to him about why he keeps blowing her off and such. Just want him to be happy I guess.

[Under_The_Sea]

I would say... don't trust what he says... he's a proven cheater and liar...

 

 

As for all the affection - snuggling, the hair thing, kissing etc...MM does HEAPS of that with me. Doesn't mean anything, except that he's affectionate and probably cares for me. He not changing his situation anytime soon, and I am still not #1 in his life. Its just affection. Doesn't actually mean anything.

 

 

As for the Valentine's stuff - who did he spend that night with?? Sounds like it wasn't you, so that makes things pretty clear. I'm sure he spent it with someone???

Thanks, glad to get reconfirmation that it can just be words and nothing more.

 

He spent actual Valentine's night alone. Came to mine the night before, spent the morning at mine, we worked together and he went home alone.

[Under_The_Sea]

Why would he stop when he has a gf who is clueless ...and a side dish who is more than willing and available .

 

He made himself very clear not to fall for him coz he will stop straight away ...but here is the real kicker he hopes you do get attached ..coz when you do he can control you ...then all this spending of extra times become you waiting around for him all day just to get a msg or remove spare time for you maybe once a week or month...

 

and when you do get attached ...It will be hard to walk away no matter what you are telling your self today...

 

and take note: even though this thing with you is new ...If he wanted to have an authentic future with you he would not be moving in with his gf...you are just that and always will be his secret life.

I don't plan on letting him carry on when he moves in with her. His bed would then be their bed and his lies would have to be upped if he were to come to mine. Too complicated, couldn't be bothered with it!

 

The thought did cross my mind that he'd like me to like him just so he could feel good about himself or something along those lines. Not sure though. But I'm ok with that. Not gonna happen.

 

Thanks.