Is your MM/MW still stay with you?

[Gloria_Smellons]

Sisa,

 

I am worried for you, truly.

 

You cannot control MM's actions, but you cannot wait indefinitely for him to get his butt in gear either, especially when there is a very high chance that everything he says is some form of lie.

 

He 'says' a lot of things. What actions is he taking to actually begin the process? Has he given you a definite timeline and plan? When are you going to meet his wife and discuss this as the new blended family you plan to move into?

 

Technically, there's not much you can do about the above, but that doesn't mean you have to float around like a leaf on the wind waiting for him to act.

 

Have YOU set yourself a timeline for his actions/inactions? Do you have a plan for what happens if this doesn't work? What is your point of no return? What steps are you taking to protect yourself financially - at a minimum I would seek to safeguard any assets you have, car, property, pensions, savings etc? What steps are you taking to protect yourself emotionally?

 

These are all things you need to be thinking about and acting on now.

[georgia girl]

Sisa,

 

 

You are one of two posters here who have made the extremely unhealthy (IMO) decision that you will value this man and this flawed relationship more than you will value yourself. I have to be honest and say I genuinely don't understand it. I could never love someone else to my own detriment.

 

 

However, I can't emphasize enough that loving someone so much more than you love yourself will NOT work. Eventually, your MM will value you - if he doesn't already - less than you value yourself. This guy treats you horribly. He lies to you, manipulates you, emotionally cripples you and you come back for me.

 

 

Please don't ever have babies with this man until you are emotionally healthy and your relationship is dramatically different. In the meantime, please seek counseling, please talk to your family about this relationship and please, again, I beg you, find a good woman mentor with whom you can share all the details of your relationship. These are things you can do to help yourself even when you don't want to help yourself.

 

 

Your lack of self-worth really scares me. Please, please, please help yourself. You're breaking my heart.

[sagamore]

he told me he will be poor because 90% of his income will provide to his family.

 

This is emotional blackmail. He's making sure you know that YOU are the one responsible for his family breaking up, as well as his future poverty. He's even "letting" you break the news to his wife, so she too will blame you. What a charmer.

 

Honestly, I think the *best case* scenario for you here is that he doesn't follow through and leave. Because if he does, it's only a matter of time until he turns on you.

[EverySunset]

Sisa I have explained the dynamic. He will not divorce his same-faith wife to have a spiritual, legal marriage with you - a woman of no religion.

 

Please see when he begs you to let him "take care of you" this makes no sense when he has discussed how your paycheck will take care of you both.

 

Want more. Want a real husband. Not his excuses.

[sisa]

I prefer to keep working, and he expects me to keep work too. Next month I will go to his city and find a job. Now the situation will be he is still married but will start live with me from this summer, his wife and kids live in hometown.

 

We agree that at least should have live together for a while before doing the big decision, which is divorce. I am very firm that I won't have kids with him until we married. He know my thinking and he also think if we want kids then we need married.

 

For the financial things, I think it might be solved, what he want is keep the current family have same live standard, its his responsibility and wish which I can understand, so this not bother me too much. If we earn more money in future, then we will have enough money when we have kids later too, for this point we both need work harder, his kids will grow up soon, so maybe it's not so difficult.

 

Recently, we also start meeting my friends and his friends together, I don't talk much about his background to my friends now, but just enjoy time together. I think when friends see us, can see our feelings is true to each other, so friends part will be smooth both sides for our later decision too.

[sisa]

Sisa I have explained the dynamic. He will not divorce his same-faith wife to have a spiritual, legal marriage with you - a woman of no religion.

 

Please see when he begs you to let him "take care of you" this makes no sense when he has discussed how your paycheck will take care of you both.

 

Want more. Want a real husband. Not his excuses.

 

I don't know if his wife is Muslim, seems not.

but I know his kids are.

[Lurkeraspect]

Sisa,

 

Do you read any of the heartfelt comments that people have left you? I really don't think so.

 

You are wasting your youth, your fertility, your life on a man who has repeatedly told and shown you that you will never me nothing more than second. He's never going to divorce his wife, you will never have a life together that isn't a hidden secret. His wife doesn't know about you, will never accept you, will never just disappear so you can be wife #1. You are living in a fantasy world.

 

I know it's all pointless to waste my time writing this, as so many others have tried, but...maybe, just maybe you'll listen.

 

You are wasting your life on a cheating POS.

[trolloperative]

Will he be paying rent while he lives with you.. My guess is no, you will give him a free ride.

 

And he doesn't care if he has kids with you, he already had his. And even if you did have children with him, you both already agreed his wife gets all his money so you would be stuck with the bill.

[sisa]

Sisa,

 

Do you read any of the heartfelt comments that people have left you? I really don't think so.

 

You are wasting your youth, your fertility, your life on a man who has repeatedly told and shown you that you will never me nothing more than second. He's never going to divorce his wife, you will never have a life together that isn't a hidden secret. His wife doesn't know about you, will never accept you, will never just disappear so you can be wife #1. You are living in a fantasy world.

 

I know it's all pointless to waste my time writing this, as so many others have tried, but...maybe, just maybe you'll listen.

 

You are wasting your life on a cheating POS.

 

I read all the comments of this posts, some posts many times, I am thankful to have these great views and suggestions from you. I am not young but lack of many experience from all aspects, for example finance parts and kids parts, but I did try to think everything clear and try to solve it.

 

What more important for me is not about being first or second, what important for me is if he care me and spend time with me, and I don't want being secret. He is doing this by introduce me to some of his close friends, for the family parts, he said he need more time to bring me into his life.

 

I think his wife know about me, otherwise she won't write me and my family mails, but you are right that I just can sure about she know my existance and I can't sure about other things because all is he told me. But in this stage I don't know if it's right things to do by talk to his wife. They live in different city is a fact and will keep live like this I think. There is no reason for him to work in another city, he do that is because of me.

[sisa]

Will he be paying rent while he lives with you.. My guess is no, you will give him a free ride.

 

And he doesn't care if he has kids with you, he already had his. And even if you did have children with him, you both already agreed his wife gets all his money so you would be stuck with the bill.

 

If I live with him in his current place, then I don't need to pay. If we want to move to apartment, then we will share the rent.

 

He want to have kids with me, but I don't plan it now due to we are not marry yet, when we have kids, maybe in three years, then his kids will grow up in that time, so maybe no need to worry too much.

 

He say now what he has after divorce will reduce to half, so he will still have half saving after divorce, just the income currently need support them 90%.

[MissBee]

I don't understand why you would need to live together before he divorces. Isn't that backwards?

 

Why doesn't he divorce first then you move in like most people?

 

Also, I find it bizarre that it seems in affairs people jump from affair to they need to move in. Why? Why not date openly, allow the person to get on their feet, feel things out before jumping from marriage to a new ready made household with someone else? I think that's generally a bad idea.

 

I also think that your MM is saying he will live with you before divorce because he's not actually planning to divorce but just plans to live with you part time. Correct me if I'm remembering incorrectly, but didn't you also post a thread once where he said he would live with you in a different city and pretend he was at work there to his wife and kids? If that's the same story I really do suggest you start thinking clearly about how completely ridiculous his plans sound and they seem to all lean towards you being a secret and him never really divorcing but simply living a double life.

[pheonixrisen]

I prefer to keep working, and he expects me to keep work too. Next month I will go to his city and find a job. Now the situation will be he is still married but will start live with me from this summer, his wife and kids live in hometown.

 

We agree that at least should have live together for a while before doing the big decision, which is divorce. I am very firm that I won't have kids with him until we married. He know my thinking and he also think if we want kids then we need married.

 

For the financial things, I think it might be solved, what he want is keep the current family have same live standard, its his responsibility and wish which I can understand, so this not bother me too much. If we earn more money in future, then we will have enough money when we have kids later too, for this point we both need work harder, his kids will grow up soon, so maybe it's not so difficult.

 

Recently, we also start meeting my friends and his friends together, I don't talk much about his background to my friends now, but just enjoy time together. I think when friends see us, can see our feelings is true to each other, so friends part will be smooth both sides for our later decision too.

 

Sisa...He is asking you live together first because he does not have any intention to divorce his wife ...Once you leave your job, move to his city etc...These are huge life changing decision and once you do it you get trapped because you already sacrificed soo much you will tell your self what's another year then another and before you know it its 3 years gone and he is still giving you all the reasons for not leaving and he will keep playing you .....

 

Then you will be here asking us why mm lied how disgusting, shocking , hurting and how you wasted another 3 to 5 years of your life ...and no body can give you back those years ..you will be helpless ,angry, bitter aand no one around to blame or take the pain away... while he will be happily back with his family ...giving you the feeling that he sacrificed his one great love for a wife he has sisterly love ...and all you are left with is regret and anger..

 

How does it work anyway ? He lives with you from summer then goes to his wife then comes back to you ..when she finds and at some point she will then all hell breaks loose ...she demands he comes back and he will go back and give you excuse that he needs to take care of family first ...blaming and guilt tripping you that all this is happening because I sacrificed for you now you need to accept and understand he needs to protect their emotional well being over yours .... and you are left alone in the apt in a city you moved for him. ..coz she will never accept to share ..

 

The kid decision also works great for him...their is a huge difference in someone saying they want to have kids with you and actually having one ...you putting this ultimatum kids after marriage works in his favour coz he will not marry you ..not legally at least ..and he is ok in wasting all these years of yours under the disguise let me take care of you ...because when the time comes and you put your foot down he will tell you clearly he is not leaving ..For so and so reason.that you need to understand...

 

The Friends part does not matter much coz when it all goes down ...nobody wants to be a part of family breaking ...and he does not leave wife they will have no problem dumping you fast too ...and gain you will be left alone ..so meeting friends is not very imp in the big picture ...now his family on the other hand ..meeting them would be a big deal but he is not introducing you to them is he?.....He just said to wait ...why wait? He is planning on divorcing as you think today is as good a day as any to introduce you..do you really believe his family of Muslim faith will accept a no religion person ...you are being delusional there is no way they will.good luck

Edited March 10, 2015 by pheonixrisen

[Gloria_Smellons]

Please do not quit your job or move city until you have spoken with the wife, in person, to verify all that mm has told you. What happened to the sit down meeting you 3 were supposed to have? Please, please, please put all your plans on pause until this has happened.

 

It is the only way to confirm that he is not lying to you. You KNOW, for a fact, lying is something he is capable of, so it is perfectly justified for you to seek out confirmation of his plan from the other party that you will be tied to FOREVER if you go down this route of blended family.

 

No one should make life altering decisions without trying to get all the information available. Taking him at his word would be a very foolish decision, so please don't do it.

[summerdowling87]

What happened to the polygamy idea of him having both of you?

 

Sisa...He is asking you live together first because he does not have any intention to divorce his wife .

 

I was thinking the same thing.

Edited March 10, 2015 by summerdowling87

[SoulCat]

Next month I will go to his city and find a job.

 

Do you really think that's a wise move?

 

Giving up your current job, home and social circle to relocate to a city where you have nobody but your mm?

You have already put your relationship with your own family on the line, and now you are risking your whole social support structure, e.g your work, friends, acquaintances, neighbours.

 

 

All that so you can live with some guy who has no intention of divorcing his wife, never mind marrying you.

 

Seriously Sisa, you need to get rid of these blinkers you've been wearing and see this situation for what it is: a pipe dream that will turn into a sad, sorry nightmare.

Girl, you deserve more from life than that!

[jellybean89]

Sisa,

 

you seem to want to really believe all this crap he tells you. You seem hell bent on believing him, planning a life with him, having kids with him....I guess you feel this is how you can accept being the mistress. We are all warning you, but you seem to think you and he share this once-in-a-lifetime love (just like he and his wife) and will do whatever you can to be with him. That makes me very sad for you; but ultimately, its your life and you can waste it waiting for this guy to divorce his wife and marry you....I believe that will never ever happen.

 

Good luck to you.

[truncated]

If he feels justified in what he is doing because of his religion, that is a big red flag. It's not that there is anything wrong with religion in and of itself, but he sounds like someone who will use it to engage in a lot of hurtful behavior, both to you and his wife.

 

You may feel right now that you are okay with him having both you and his wife, but what will happen in five years when another woman catches his eye. Will you also be okay with her being invited into the fold?

[trolloperative]

If I live with him in his current place, then I don't need to pay. If we want to move to apartment, then we will share the rent.

 

He want to have kids with me, but I don't plan it now due to we are not marry yet, when we have kids, maybe in three years, then his kids will grow up in that time, so maybe no need to worry too much.

 

He say now what he has after divorce will reduce to half, so he will still have half saving after divorce, just the income currently need support them 90%.

 

Someone made a good point above.. have you met his family, specifically his mother? You mentioned friends (meaningless) but not parents. Before you make any life changes meet his parents. They will have the last word on whether he divorces (he won't) his wife or not.

 

In one of your threads you mentioned a possible pregnancy and he wasn't happy about it and actually stopped seeing you for a while. That is proof he has no intention of having a family with you.

 

Three years for a 30+ woman is a long time to "wait" for a man who is never divorcing.

 

Suggestion: print out your threads and highlight FACTS, just the facts. Listen to your family (again forget friends they just want to please you) and the posters here who are all telling you basically the same thing.