Can't stop punishing boyfriend for how he made me feel?

[Cara_11]

Hi there

 

Just looking for some insight on my problem here and trying to figure out whether this issue requires me to do some self-reflection, or whether our relationship is problematic. I’ve been with my boyfriend for almost 2 years now. However, our relationship did not start on a good note. 2-3 months into the relationship, my boyfriend was hanging out with his ex alone. Shopping, eating out, movies. The entire time he referred to her merely as a ‘friend’ until I later found out that she had been more than just a friend in the past. He also was exhibiting suspicious behavior by hiding his phone, deleting text messages etc etc. I put up with this behavior thinking that I was the paranoid one – as whoever I told these things to told me that I was just being paranoid. Undoubtedly, I am a paranoid person with jealousy issues, self-esteem issues, and insecurities. I didn’t want my issues to get the best of me and ruin the relationship so I continued the relationship because I hadn’t found clear evidence of him cheating – but there were tons of red flags.

 

 

When my boyfriend came to the realization that all this was making me uncomfortable – he cut off all contact with his ex, and all the ‘shady’ behavior (or so it seemed to me) stopped. Ever since he stopped talking to her, he became the perfect boyfriend. Despite his efforts to rectify his behavior, however, I’ve become a complete monster. I constantly get moody thinking about how he spent time alone with HER when he should have been giving me that attention. I get mad at him, I yell at him, I accuse him for being a cheater – though he keeps claiming that his intentions were pure from the get-go but he did make a mistake by keeping close ties with his ex (whom he thought was nothing more than a friend ever since things ended between them – according to him).

 

 

 

Despite him doing absolutely ANYTHING and EVERYTHING to make me happy at this point, I just can’t seem to get over how he was in the beginning of the relationship? I have no reason to be unhappy in the present with him, but every time I DO get happy thinking how well he treats me NOW – 5 minutes later, I find myself being angry over his relationship with his ex. I know I’ve punished him for far too long, and he’s been taking it – but I still can’t seem to be JUST happy or satisfied. I don’t want to lose him for who he is now, and how he treats me now but I also can’t seem to get rid of feeling betrayed. I find myself feeling entitled to feel this way. I find myself stalking him on social media to find evidence of what else he might have done/said in the start of our relationship. I can never just be happy anymore and feel so paralyzed in the past of what he did.

[whichwayisup]

You either need to forgive him and mean it, do your best to focus on the now and not think of the past, let it go, or break up with him. Punishing him is damaging your relationship more and eventually he WILL break up with you if you don't stop it.

[umirano]

OP I don't see how this can be salvaged. He put a serious nail in this RS early on and I'm not surprised it's coming back to you all the time. Also, I imagine that he's putting up a front right now, just long enough until you lower your guards, only to go back to his old ways. People who think they can outsmart you usually only learn otherwise when you outsmart them. The problem with this is that they'll try to outsmart you again a soon as humanly possible.

 

Ditch him and find someone who's loyal, committed and completely into you from the get go.

 

Good luck

[Cara_11]

OP I don't see how this can be salvaged. He put a serious nail in this RS early on and I'm not surprised it's coming back to you all the time. Also, I imagine that he's putting up a front right now, just long enough until you lower your guards, only to go back to his old ways. People who think they can outsmart you usually only learn otherwise when you outsmart them. The problem with this is that they'll try to outsmart you again a soon as humanly possible.

 

Ditch him and find someone who's loyal, committed and completely into you from the get go.

 

Good luck

 

 

I've been trying to move past all this for over a year now. I understand he's willing to put up with me being this way - and he wants to help me overcome all this. But I just can't seem to let go, the only thing allowing me to stay in this relationship is that he's made things now absolutely wonderful - but I don't know why that is still not enough. I don't even KNOW what I need anymore to feel happy again.

 

 

Would you say this is just my problem? Or is this something we will not be able to move past - ever?

[Chi townD]

Did he cheat? Meh...debatable. If he was spending time with her and not with you, then you can view it as he was cheating quality time away from you. But, physically cheating? Nah, my spidey senses aren't going off. I think he wanted a friendship with his Ex. But, as soon as he saw you were uncomfortable with it, he put an end to it. Which also might validate another point. And that point is, he probably wasn't having an emotional affair. Those are a little harder to sever and he was able to walk away and not look back because he wanted you with no problem. So, I don't believe he was emotionally invested into this girl.

 

 

I will tell you this, You need to figure out what you want. If you feel that his behavior is too sketchy for your liking, then you need to let him go. If you want him and continue the relationship, then you need to work with him to fix your insecurities (and please don't take that the wrong way, you have justifiable reasons to feel that way). And you two need to work together.

[johncarl]

I'm a cheater, currently, and have cheated before. It doesn't really sound like this guy is cheating. I understand that his friendship with an ex could make you uncomfortable and could hurt too.

 

 

The way you are feeling sounds pretty normal. I think a lot of people would feel similar to the way you do. Have you two gone for couples' therapy? It would be worth a try since this sounds like a serious relationship. It's hard, but it won't be any more difficult than what you're dealing with right now, probably less difficult.

 

 

You have to move on from what happened in the past, but that often takes some work. Few people can truly just let something go without putting a little work into it first; being hurt isn't like having a mild cold that will just go away, it's more like having an ailment that requires antibiotics and topical cream (no pun intended vis-a-vis STIs). It takes some work to "get over it", most of us can't just will ourselves to get over it.

 

 

If you care about the guy, or love him, try something different. If you're not willing to try and fix things and work through what's eating you, or don't think you can, then end the relationship.

[kendahke]

you need to get a grip on yourself or you're going to drive him away and possibly back into the arms of his ex.

 

There is nothing your tantruming is going to do to spin the earth backwards to the moment he began hanging with her, so that needs to stop.

 

If you can't get over it, then you need to cut him loose. Nothing is going to change what has happened. All you will accomplish is bringing about that which you don't want to have happen.

[Davey L]

If you carry on like this he'll start wishing he was with her instead.

 

You need to decide - do you want him, in which case stop this behaviour, or do you not want the relationship to continue, in which case leave.

 

There's no point staying if you want to damage your relationship.

[umirano]

Would you say this is just my problem? Or is this something we will not be able to move past - ever?

I'm a hopeless skeptic and my faith in other people's goodness and decency is minimal. And I really don't think it's because I'm a grumpy paranoid freak. It's just that I see a lot of people trying to screw others over.

 

So, no, I don't think it's really YOUR problem. It is your problem, but it's not you, it's him. The kind of disloyalty and sketchiness he exhibited in the beginning of the relationship framed how you saw him. And this isn't your fault. Your instincts are there for a reason. I've learned that I should listen to them.

 

Look, what's the loss. You're probably around 19-25, there's no haste. Take your time and find a quality BF, someone who respects you from the get go, and behaves like a decent guy. Why beat yourself up over this. Sometimes it is the other person's fault. It's not always us. Certain things just shed a bad light over things, and sketchiness and 'omitting' information like the nature of their previous RS just aren't helping in establishing trust.

 

I admire everyone who can forgive and forget. I try to forgive as much as I can, but I never forget. And this seems to me like it wouldn't be worth it to me. IDK, in the end it's your RS, I won't be upset if you decide to stay with him. I'm just telling you that you have very good reasons to pull the trigger on this and try again with someone less shady.

 

If you decide to work on yourself, you have my complete respect. I think in that case you have to rationalize why you're moving on from those incidents. Find tangible evidence that his personality changed and that something like this isn't possible anymore because he has changed from within and it wouldn't be who is now. If you can't do that then you're probably right to move on.

 

Good luck

[Price2Play]

It sounds like the resentment has built up. I went through something similiar with my now ex. We had numerous discussions in the begging about our relationships with our exs. I made it very clear, I just wasn't on speaking terms with any besides 1 from a million years ago. Occasionally a text, that's it.

 

Long story short, at 1 point I asked her is she was still talking to her ex. This was right around the 3 months into our relationship. She stated that she was not she stopped last month. 5 months down the road I find she still in fact does continue to talk to him for like the past 3 months. I'm a confident guy, I knew that her ex was not a threat in any imagination. That and he lived states away. But it was the fact that she lied to me about it and there was deception, that's what the deal breaker was for me. Her ex was simply pining for her and wanted "closure" blah blah blah.

 

I didn't read all the text but I did see that pictures where exchanged. There were other things that came up and it just piled up even more. I had to end it.

 

I completely understand where you are coming from. The beginning of a relationship should have a strong foundation, not a crumbling one were you the pieces together type foundation. I can't get serious with a woman that is still in contact with an LTR ex & is somewhat flirty. If that relationship is so important then you can have it, I'm moving on.

 

You need to ethier get over this resentment or move on.

Edited March 4, 2015 by Price2Play