Tell BH truth of A?

[jbp005]

You can look through my previous posts to see my story, but I had an affair with my former best friend's wife. I went NC and ended it almost 2 months ago, it's definitely hard, harder then losing weight or to quit smoking. I am wondering if I should tell my former friend the truth, or let it die? I believe the last thing I can do for him is at least tell him the truth of why I ended our friendship. He never knew the full extent, just that we had feelings for each other. Also, not going to lie I would like some kind of closure with him knowing what kind of friend I was. I've been trying to wait till I don't have feelings for her, but that hasn't come yet. I could also end up seeing them at a wedding in early May, figured I should at least wait till after that. Any advice would be appreciated.

[Eagle's-bargain]

I am wondering if I should tell my former friend the truth, or let it die? I believe the last thing I can do for him is at least tell him the truth of why I ended our friendship.

 

He never knew the full extent, just that we had feelings for each other.

 

Pay off your debt to friends or family, or associates.

Then be prepared to die.

You're just slightly better than most politicians. Why? You feel bad.

 

If you tell him, it changes nothing.

He gets the truth with doesn't change the fact you had an A with his WS.

And it's coming from the OM.

 

Source: I was in your own shoes.

[Gloria_Smellons]

I'm sure you'll get many different opinions here, but I am usually firmly in the do not tell camp, as I am in your case.

 

I take it you are not only NC with the woman involved, but also with your former friend? What did you say at the time for why you were ending your friendship, if anything?

 

I am confused abut your motivations here, on the one hand you seem to be saying that you feel that you owe him the truth, but the time for that is long gone. I feel like you've missed that train and it's too late to start running after it now.

 

On the other you also admit you want some kind of closure for yourself. (Just FYI I think the concept of closure from someone else is absolute poppycock, real closure comes from within and is more like acceptance.) I don't really understand how you think him knowing that two of the people he trusted most in his life were doing the dirty on him will help. How will humiliating him make him or you feel any better exactly?

 

Finally, from a purely selfish point of view you are trying to move on with your life, and the best way to do that is to put more distance between yourself and the situation, not less. Spilling the beans now will set you right back and will likely erase all the progress you've made in the last two months. You've admitted you are finding it hard and you still have feelings for her. Even if I was to advocate you telling, I'm not sure now would be the right time for you.

[HereNorThere]

It would definitely get you back on the road to integrity. After being so selfish for so long, it would be such a beautiful gift to give your best friend the gift of honesty.

 

Remember, his wife might ultimately be responsible as to whether he lives or dies one day. Knowing that she has the power to pull the plug on him, don't you think he would like to know the truth about her?

 

Be a man and do it TODAY. Not in May, today. Pick up the phone and DO IT.

 

Free yourself of this burden and this guilt. I doubt you'll have to worry about seeing them in May anyway.

 

It's just a simple phone call or text and you get to go on with your life. Every day you live until then, you humiliate your friend and force him to live a lie.

 

Do something noble, today.

[Eagle's-bargain]

It would definitely get you back on the road to integrity. After being so selfish for so long, it would be such a beautiful gift to give your best friend the gift of honesty.

 

Remember, his wife might ultimately be responsible as to whether he lives or dies one day. Knowing that she has the power to pull the plug on him, don't you think he would like to know the truth about her?

 

Be a man and do it TODAY. Not in May, today. Pick up the phone and DO IT.

 

Free yourself of this burden and this guilt. I doubt you'll have to worry about seeing them in May anyway.

 

It's just a simple phone call or text and you get to go on with your life. Every day you live until then, you humiliate your friend and force him to live a lie.

 

Do something noble, today.

 

After reading this, do you think I should do the same well after 3 years? No. Because it will just cause turmoil.

[Clay]

Tell him. Give him the same chance to decide on his life like you and her had. If you show compassion and humility it will help him heal. Offer him anything he needs to confront her so she does not continue to play games with him. While in the end he wont like you he will know you helped him to move on with his life.

 

Its not much to some people but it sure would have been everything to me. My xW lied and lied and lied. I could almost swear the song I know your lieing because your lips are moving was wrote because of her.

 

I hope you do the right thing.

 

Clay

[Rainbowlove]

Keep it to yourself.

 

Why? Because you are looking for closure for YOU.

 

This isn't about what's best for your "friend". This is about what's best for you.

 

You did the deed with her, you need to find a way to cope with yourself.

 

And since you still having feelings for his wife, your XAP, I question if there's other motivating factors to your new found conscience.

 

Take it to your grave.

[jbp005]

I hadn't talked to him or seen him since he broke down after she told him we had feelings for each other, that was a little over 2 months before I ended it. I called him the day after I broke it off, apologized for everything I had done to his marriage(obviously just for what he knew), and told him we couldn't be friends. He kept thanking me for helping him see how he was treating his wife, that really made me feel like **** because it had still been going on. He asked if it was him or what had happened, I told him what had happened, he still wanted to be friends with me.

 

The day after I wrote an email telling him everything between his wife and I, how often we had seen each other and that it had gotten physical. That email was never sent and has been sitting in my drafts ever since. I agree part of this is being selfish, I just don't feel like I can move on from either of them.

 

This guy was my best friend for a VERY long time, I'd like him to know exactly why I can't be his friend. He is my insurance agent so I still text him with questions about that(maybe 3 times since), but nothing else, no contact with her. I had stated to xAP before he found out if he ever asked me what was going on I wasn't sure I could lie to him, but he has never asked. I am pretty sure he is in the wedding party, so I would see him and her at that wedding if I went.

Edited March 4, 2015 by jbp005

[Rainbowlove]

I hadn't talked to him or seen him since he broke down after she told him we had feelings for each other, that was a little over 2 months before I ended it. I called him the day after I broke it off, apologized for everything I had done to his marriage, and told him we couldn't be friends. He kept thanking me for helping him see how he was treating his wife, that really made me feel like **** because it had still been going on. He asked if it was him or what had happened, I told him what had happened, he still wanted to be friends with me.

 

The day after I wrote an email telling him everything between his wife and me, how often we had seen each other and that it had gotten physical. That email was never sent and has been sitting in my drafts ever since. I agree part of this is being selfish, I just don't feel like I can move on from either of them.

 

This guy was my best friend for a VERY long time, I'd like him to know exactly why I can't be his friend. He is my insurance agent so I still text him with questions about that(maybe 3 times since), but nothing else, no contact with her. I had stated to xAP before he found out if he ever asked me what was going on I wasn't sure I could lie to him, but he has never asked. I am pretty sure he is in the wedding party, so I would see him and her at that wedding if I went.

 

It's not that I don't have sympathy for you, I do.

 

I'm sorry you chose to sleep with your best friend's wife. That was a major wrong on your part and you have to deal with how that makes you feel, how that has changed your relationship with them and your life.

 

Get a new insurance agent.

 

You have got to find a way to put this behind you. Like most of us here, you are looking at a life sentence. Sorry.

 

If he ever outright asks you, share.

 

If he doesn't, it may be bc he doesn't want to know.

 

Leave them alone. You've done enough damage.

[jbrent890]

It's amazing the dichotomy of responses you get on this site. Most betrayers on this site almost always advise you to lie. Go figure . Listen, at a certain level, guilt washing when confessing is always going to happen. I don't care who you are and what your motivation for confessing is. You will always have that sense of relief. It still doesn't negate the fact that this is the right thing to do. One of the posters that told you to lie said what good will it do (I always laugh when I hear that question). The good will be that your friend will finally know the truth about his wife. He already knows that you guys have feelings for each other and probably suspects something more happened, but doesn't know because the two people closest to him keep lying to him. People are advising you not to confess because they think taking this to your grave is a good punishment. Please, give me a break. Selfish people will almost always advise you to do selfish things. Do the right thing by your friend. I think he deserves that much.

[Eagle's-bargain]

It's not that I don't have sympathy for you, I do.

 

I'm sorry you chose to sleep with your best friend's wife. That was a major wrong on your part and you have to deal with how that makes you feel, how that has changed your relationship with them and your life.

 

Get a new insurance agent.

 

You have got to find a way to put this behind you. Like most of us here, you are looking at a life sentence. Sorry.

 

If he ever outright asks you, share.

 

If he doesn't, it may be bc he doesn't want to know.

 

Leave them alone. You've done enough damage.

 

+ 20.

 

Stop trying to do the dirty work.

As Rainbow said, even if you apologize it changes nothing BUT YOUR feelings.

 

If the BS comes to you and it says "I forgive you." That's more about them than you.

 

You have to understand that your level of truth changes ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. Saying sorry or accepting forgiveness doesn't matter anymore, because it doesn't change anything only makes things worse (because it doesn't change anything by whoever wants to be absolved).

 

Stop doing the dirty work.

[gettingstronger]

BS here so take it for what it's worth. Tell him. Everyone is entitled to their truth. It hurts like hell, but I can honesty say I'm glad I know. I'm a good person and didn't deserve this, the least thing I'm entitled to is knowing the truth. The same goes for this guy. Don't care what your motivation is, as long as you're willing to stay out of their lives if asked, tell him.

[Rainbowlove]

It's amazing the dichotomy of responses you get on this site. Most betrayers on this site almost always advise you to lie. Go figure . Listen, at a certain level, guilt washing when confessing is always going to happen. I don't care who you are and what your motivation for confessing is. You will always have that sense of relief. It still doesn't negate the fact that this is the right thing to do. One of the posters that told you to lie said what good will it do (I always laugh when I hear that question). The good will be that your friend will finally know the truth about his wife. He already knows that you guys have feelings for each other and probably suspects something more happened, but doesn't know because the two people closest to him keep lying to him. People are advising you not to confess because they think taking this to your grave is a good punishment. Please, give me a break. Selfish people will almost always advise you to do selfish things. Do the right thing by your friend. I think he deserves that much.

 

I still say take it to your grave, yep. No one said it was good punishment. What was said was his reasons for confession were self satisfying.

 

For the simple fact that he is only trying to benefit himself. More selfishness. And he still has the hots for her. So not the best reasons to confess, imhp.

 

Ultimately, it's his choice.

 

Great thing about LS is everyone's opinions are valid and heard.

[jbrent890]

+ 20.

 

Stop trying to do the dirty work.

As Rainbow said, even if you apologize it changes nothing BUT YOUR feelings.

 

If the BS comes to you and it says "I forgive you." That's more about them than you.

 

You have to understand that your level of truth changes ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. Saying sorry or accepting forgiveness doesn't matter anymore, because it doesn't change anything only makes things worse (because it doesn't change anything by whoever wants to be absolved).

 

Stop doing the dirty work.

 

What? I'm pretty sure him telling his friend that his wife cheated on him would change a bunch of things. Most importantly, it will change his marriage. I don't think forgiveness matters at this point. This guy's friend will finally know the truth. Forgiveness or no forgiveness, it's the right thing to do.

[jbp005]

I'm not seeking forgiveness, as soon as it crossed to being physical I knew we couldn't be friends again. I'm sure telling him would not help my chances being with her. I feel like if I were in his situation I'd want to know the truth.

 

I'd hope that I am doing it as much for him as I was for me. I stated how I felt because I know at some level it may be done selfishly.

 

I do still think about her and would like to be with her, but I doubt it could ever work, let alone if I tell him the truth.

 

Obviously in the end I'll do what I think is best, but I do appreciate the insight into a very complicated situation. I've tried to do what I could to set this right.

[minimariah]

i say - go ahead and tell him.

& then he can make some informed choices about his life.

 

i usually wouldn't give you this advice but since you do know him and have history with him... dude deserves to know the full truth. so yeah, go ahead and tell him.

[Rainbowlove]

OP, why do you think your friend never asked you outright if anything physical took place between you and his wife?

 

If my best friend and wife admitted to having feelings for each other, I know what my first question would be and how many times?

[Eagle's-bargain]

i say - go ahead and tell him.

& then he can make some informed choices about his life.

 

dude deserves to know the full truth. so yeah, go ahead and tell him.

 

What? I'm pretty sure him telling his friend that his wife cheated on him would change a bunch of things. Most importantly, it will change his marriage. I don't think forgiveness matters at this point. This guy's friend will finally know the truth. Forgiveness or no forgiveness, it's the right thing to do.

 

The truth changes nothing.

What does the truth really do here? It tells the BS that everything he believed in was a lie. Which is worse? The betrayed OM or OW who believed that the WS was coming there way, or the BS who believed the foundation of their relationship was solid?

 

The truth, even if shared only makes things worse.

Unless this information is revealed DURING an active A, I don't see the point.

I was a coward and never said it, I should have said during the A, "Your wife came to me, and I'm in love with her." I did not. I ignored the phone calls, and emails.

 

I avoided certain parts of town.

As a result, I appeared to take the blame for it all.

I own what I did, no more no less.

 

Again, after the A there is no reason to mention it.

If he knows, he knows. If he really had no idea. Then, settled your affairs and meet him face to face. Talk low, talk slow, and say few words. Your feelings don't matter to him. You're the black knight. As far as he's concerned, any BS is concerned you're the homewrecker (unless the WS is known for looking in around the town).

 

Your call. I say you're better off flipping a coin best two out of three. Heads is a yes for contact, tails is a no.

[jbp005]

Blind trust? With her and I? I only know what she told me she said to him, I know she wasn't being truthful with me sometimes, so who knows. I doubt she told him about anything physical though or he'd have been way more pissed with me.

 

Really I have no idea, the only time I talked to him between him finding out and me telling him we couldn't be friends was around Thanksgiving, he was trying to set me up with her sister. At that time I told him we should wait till he was ready, and give him more time to think. He stated both times he was never mad at me.

 

If this was someone I didn't know and had never spoken to before I could understand not telling him. However, this is someone I had a long history with and do feel he deserves the truth which is why I have been leaning that way.

Edited March 4, 2015 by jbp005

[Rainbowlove]

Blind trust? With her and I? I only know what she told me she said to him, I know she wasn't being truthful with me sometimes, so who knows. I doubt she told him about anything physical though or he'd have been way more pissed with me.

 

Really I have no idea, the only time I talked to him between him finding out and me telling him we couldn't be friends was around Thanksgiving, he was trying to set me up with her sister. At that time I told him we should wait till he was ready, and give him more time to think. He stated both times he was never mad at me.

 

If this was someone I didn't know and had never spoken to before I could understand not telling him. However, this is someone I had a long history with and do feel he deserves the truth which is why I have been leaning that way.

 

Next question: do they have children? If so, how old?

[jbp005]

Yes, their daughter turned 3 in October.

[minimariah]

OP, why do you think your friend never asked you outright if anything physical took place between you and his wife?

 

If my best friend and wife admitted to having feelings for each other, I know what my first question would be and how many times?

 

oh, i totally missed this part.

yeah, the dude totally doesn't want to know.

 

OP... the other posters are right - you should be quiet. i guess i was putting myself in your best friend's shoes - i would want to know. i know the truth won't change anything but... i would definitely want to know.

 

& obviously your friend doesn't.

[jbp005]

I think he may have trusted that what she told him was as far as it went. I never admitted to anything, only apologized.

[Rainbowlove]

Next question: do they have children? If so, how old?

 

3 years old and you think telling him is the right thing to do??

 

Do you have any idea what that means to the little girl??

[road]

The BH deserves the truth.