Tell BH truth of A?

[Mal78]

But you do see how generalized could also be offensive?

 

What kind of friend circle do you run with that you hear this? I've been married for 18 years, we have a fairly large friend circle, mostly couples and I have yet to hear the talk you discribe. Should I give it another 10 or so years?

[beatcuff]

I didn't directly confess to anything. When I talked to him I apologized for anything I may have done to hurt his marriage. I never said anything about what that was

 

this is the door i am talking of. he is choosing not to 'go there'. you are implying you did something wrong by apologizing AND cementing it by 'no longer being friends'. he has what he needs.

[autumnnight]

I know this is going to bother some people...

 

OP, you are in a section that was CREATED for people who aid and abet infidelity. You are in a section populated mostly by people who have a vested interest in keeping things like this secret. Except for a few, you are posting in a place where cheating is regarded as no big deal and where the goal is typically how to keep it going.

 

What is your personal end game? If it is to grow back into a man of integrity, then honesty is the best route. It really is that simple. If you want to be a TRULY honest person, then being honest with the man who called friend whom you betrayed with his wife is essential.

 

All the drama about carrying your own cross and poor children are just excuses.

[Confused48]

I'm a BS. I always say confess. The BS deserves to know. I still believe that but in this case, I think you have come close enough. You have opened the door and confessed enough.

 

Now I think you should go totally NC with both of them. Get a new agent. Only if he comes back to you for more info, and he might, only then tell more. I think if he does not ask you for more it will be because he does not want to know. If he asks you why you did not give him the whole truth before you can honestly say it was to spare him further pain.

 

I have not read all the responses, so sorry if you have already gotten this advice and rejected it.

[jbp005]

I'm a BS. I always say confess. The BS deserves to know. I still believe that but in this case, I think you have come close enough. You have opened the door and confessed enough.

 

Now I think you should go totally NC with both of them. Get a new agent. Only if he comes back to you for more info, and he might, only then tell more. I think if he does not ask you for more it will be because he does not want to know. If he asks you why you did not give him the whole truth before you can honestly say it was to spare him further pain.

 

I have not read all the responses, so sorry if you have already gotten this advice and rejected it.

 

I think the issue for me is I really haven't confessed, I merely apologized. I didn't say ANYTHING about what happened. I didn't ask what she said to him, or what he believed had happened. He was more concerned that it was something about him as why I didn't want to be friends with him anymore.

[Rainbowlove]

I think the issue for me is I really haven't confessed, I merely apologized. I didn't say ANYTHING about what happened. I didn't ask what she said to him, or what he believed had happened. He was more concerned that it was something about him as why I didn't want to be friends with him anymore.

 

Have you contacted a therapist yet?

 

You need one.

[jbp005]

Have you contacted a therapist yet?

 

You need one.

 

I found a psychologist across the street from my work, I looked into it one when I ended the A. I thought I could handle all this on my own. I've always felt like anything in life you should be able to manage on your own and if not you just didn't have the resolve or commitment. However, I'm feeling like that isn't the case, I figured I'd go sometime in the next week and see if they accept my insurance and what not.

[Rainbowlove]

I found a psychologist across the street from my work, I looked into it one when I ended the A. I thought I could handle all this on my own. I've always felt like anything in life you should be able to manage on your own and if not you just didn't have the resolve or commitment. However, I'm feeling like that isn't the case, I figured I'd go sometime in the next week and see if they accept my insurance and what not.

 

Make the call. There's no shame in getting help.

 

You need someone to talk with who understands affair recovery. You've been through quite the ordeal and have a lot of hurt to sift through.

 

Don't try to handle it alone.

[jbp005]

Forgot to mention but my friend knows my boss, that's how I got the job. Do you think he would mention something to my boss? I'd rather it not be known at my job, that's something to keep me from telling him, it's a very small company.

[Cali408]

Don't tell him. He knows already. Why damage him more? For your closure You should have thought about that when you were pulling an Eric Clapton and playing hide the hot dog with your his wife. Your closure is being selfish. Just leave it as, we have feelings for each other and it's best we don't hang out.

 

You want to tell someone, go tell a priest.

[jbp005]

Messaged him today to tell him to move me to another agent, which he did. He stated after 15 years he can't believe it's come to the point that I want no contact with him. I stated I was just trying to do the right thing. He then asked if it ever got physical with his wife...I blocked him. Now I am in quite the predicament, if I tell him I'd rather not do it through text. Should I just leave him blocked and go on with my life?

[Rainbowlove]

Messaged him today to tell him to move me to another agent, which he did. He stated after 15 years he can't believe it's come to the point that I want no contact with him. I stated I was just trying to do the right thing. He then asked if it ever got physical with his wife...I blocked him. Now I am in quite the predicament, if I tell him I'd rather not do it through text. Should I just leave him blocked and go on with my life?

 

How has your counselor advised you?

 

He asked you, you didn't respond. I think that speaks volumes to him.

 

He's probably going to ask his wife.

 

But...he asked you, and you owe it to him now to answer.

 

You should do this face to face.

 

The fall out is coming.

[Rainbowlove]

Messaged him today to tell him to move me to another agent, which he did.

 

Question:

 

Did you do this intentionally? Couldn't you have just found another agent without his help?

 

I think you wanted him to ask you, which happened.

 

Why did you clam up?

[Ronnie33]

I was thinking the same thing as Rainbow.

 

I think if he asked you then you should tell him. I think that after 15 years of friendship and sleeping with his wife you owe him that. I would do it in a public place unless you think he will get physical, in that case do it over the phone.

[Rainbowlove]

I was thinking the same thing as Rainbow.

 

I think if he asked you then you should tell him. I think that after 15 years of friendship and sleeping with his wife you owe him that. I would do it in a public place unless you think he will get physical, in that case do it over the phone.

 

Or at the hospital.

[jbp005]

Question:

 

Did you do this intentionally? Couldn't you have just found another agent without his help?

 

I think you wanted him to ask you, which happened.

 

Why did you clam up?

 

I haven't seen a counselor yet, I'm just tight on money and not sure I can afford it.

 

Ya I see it wasn't a good idea to message him asking, I should have just called up the company myself and had someone else do it.

 

Because that's something hard to admit to, and I didn't want to text him with the answer.

 

He might get physical, got a quick temper and can be very confrontational with others. That or he will break down crying...

[Rainbowlove]

You've been wanting to tell him.

 

Now you'v opened the door.

 

He's probably already confronted his wife.

 

Unblock him. I'm sure he'll be contacting you and then you can decide what to do.

 

I think you don't like making decisions and you want people to do the heavy lifting for you.

 

You have to face this now.

[Rainbowlove]

Also, as for counseling, I don't know where you are but there's services available for people with limited income or no insurance.

 

They do sliding scales based on how much money you make and appointments are very cheap.

 

Look into it.

[jbp005]

You've been wanting to tell him.

 

Now you'v opened the door.

 

He's probably already confronted his wife.

 

Unblock him. I'm sure he'll be contacting you and then you can decide what to do.

 

I think you don't like making decisions and you want people to do the heavy lifting for you.

 

You have to face this now.

 

Nah I know what I need to do, just didnt want it to be now. I guess it had to happen sooner or later.

[Owl6118]

jbp, you answered your question in the first post.

 

"I believe the last thing I can do for him is at least tell him the truth of why I ended our friendship."

 

Do you believe this? Then act in accordance with your beliefs.

 

Self-respect begins when you act in a way which is worth of respect. Integrity comes from acting with integrity.

 

You can resolve this situation in the time it has taken me to write this post.

 

You simply open an email window and write the following:

 

"Dear Name:

 

For 15 years i was your friend. I have to tell you I have betrayed your friendship.

 

____________ and I had a sexual affair. It began on date and ended on date. I have not seen her since date and I have not spoken with her or communicated with her in any way since date.

 

I will not attempt to justify the unjustifiable.

 

If you need additional details in order to decide what to do in your life, I will provide what you need. Otherwise I will not contact you or your wife again.

 

I am sorry I betrayed you.

 

Sincerely,

 

jbp.

 

And it is done. You will have done something worth respecting yourself for.

[Clay]

If you can't or don't want to tell him in person just call him or write him a letter (email or snail mail). Tell him the truth. You don't have to go into every gory detail but tell him the basics and offer him a chance to ask questions if he feels he needs to.

 

There is never a good way or a good time to have these talks. I personally think its good that you are trying to do the right thing now. If you can't afford counseling then go to church.

[Pinklotus]

Don't tell him. He knows already. Why damage him more? For your closure You should have thought about that when you were pulling an Eric Clapton and playing hide the hot dog with your his wife. Your closure is being selfish. Just leave it as, we have feelings for each other and it's best we don't hang out.

 

You want to tell someone, go tell a priest.

 

I had an EA and I confessed to my husband, but in this case I do not think you should. If you were going to confess, it should have been right away.

 

Editing to say now that he has asked, you need to be honest. That's the way the cookie crumbles. And you could have asked a receptionist or other employee to move you to another agent. Why did you contact him?

Edited March 12, 2015 by Pinklotus

[jbp005]

I had an EA and I confessed to my husband, but in this case I do not think you should. If you were going to confess, it should have been right away.

 

Editing to say now that he has asked, you need to be honest. That's the way the cookie crumbles. And you could have asked a receptionist or other employee to move you to another agent. Why did you contact him?

 

Yes I realize it was a bad idea to contact him to switch, I almost guarantee he would have contacted me asking why I switched so I thought it was best to be direct and ask him to do it.

 

I am just going to email him, maybe it's the cowards way out but at least I am being honest with him. I've had her blocked on everything since I ended it, and haven't contacted her since, this isn't about being with her.

 

EDIT:

 

I sent an email telling him.

Edited March 12, 2015 by jbp005

[jbp005]

It seems telling the truth was the right thing to do. He asked a few questions, and for proof that we had contact after D-Day. While we will never be friends or speak again, it seems to have helped him. Told me "You were right to go this direction so for that I thank you!". It does crush me some to know that this ruined any chance of being with xAP(just being honest), also definitively losing my friend for good, but at least I've tried to make amends the best I can in this situation.

 

Thanks for all the comments and support in this thread. I usually have a clear idea of what I think I should do, but it never hurts to get other people's perspective. I had a feeling this is what I should do.

 

Now, should I go to the wedding he or both of them should be at May 2nd? It's an ex-roommate and college friend of mine, I feel like I show go and just avoid whoever is there.

[Rainbowlove]

It seems telling the truth was the right thing to do. He asked a few questions, and for proof that we had contact after D-Day. While we will never be friends or speak again, it seems to have helped him. Told me "You were right to go this direction so for that I thank you!". It does crush me some to know that this ruined any chance of being with xAP(just being honest), also definitively losing my friend for good, but at least I've tried to make amends the best I can in this situation.

 

Thanks for all the comments and support in this thread. I usually have a clear idea of what I think I should do, but it never hurts to get other people's perspective. I had a feeling this is what I should do.

 

Now, should I go to the wedding he or both of them should be at May 2nd? It's an ex-roommate and college friend of mine, I feel like I show go and just avoid whoever is there.

 

Yes, you go to the wedding.

 

Life goes on.