To tell about cheating 1 year ago??

[JohnK85]

Initially I will say that I am not proud of myself and understand that I should not have done what I did, and still feel terrible about it.

 

I have been with my girlfriend since summer of 2013. Well, outside of a monthlong breakup. What precipitated that was I made out with another girl. Her top and bra came off but that's all we did. I felt awful about doing what I did and broke up with my girlfriend a few days later. I never told her what I did because I didn't want to hurt her any more.

 

I ended up sleeping with that girl a few weeks later after going on a date with her. Soon thereafter I realized wtf was I doing, because I was screwing up a good shot with my girlfriend, who totally was/is wife material and an amazing, sweet person.

 

I was in my last year of grad school at the time all this happened, and I was really terrified of commitment. I didn't want to spend what i thought then was wasted time with my girlfriend if we would break up if I got a good Job elsewhere. She is really close to her family and doesn't want to leave home. So in my head I wanted to mess around rather than put time into a relationship that may or may not go anywhere depending on where I moved for work. That's what I was thinking at the time. This was about one year ago.

 

As I said, after messing around with this girl again I realized that if I could see myself marrying my girlfriend, it was worth being with her, committing to her, and seeing what happened. I told her all these thoughts - minus the other girl - and she gave me another chance and we got back together.

 

Flash forward to now and we are together and it's going great. I actually did get a job 4 hours away but we are doing long distance, seeing each other on the weekends. We really could create a great marriage together and life together.

 

What I am debating inside is whether I should tell her what I did. I'm not proud I slept with the other girl, but that was after we broke up. We did make out before and those actions did directly lead to me Breaking up with my girlfriend.

 

On the one hand I don't want to tell her because I know I am in a much different place with my girlfriend. I am excited about being committed to her and doing all I can to treat her as well as possible. I know know she is the perfect girl for me and those fears i had in school are gone. I know I am past those issues and won't do what I did again.

 

On the other hand, I have never told her what I did about either instance. She never asked so I didn't lie directly to her but I know hiding something like that is essentially lying. I want to marry this girl but I don't want what I did, in 20 years, to ruin what would otherwise be a good marriage, if she found out or if the guilt gets to be too much that I tell her.

 

I know she is happy with me, and I am happy with her. I know I'm past my issues from before. All telling her would do is hurt her and then give her reason to break up what is otherwise great. I'm not defending my actions, but if I know I am not the person I was, and I am now the person she thinks, and can trust, will telling her really help anything? If we are both happily in love and I will do as best I can to keep the relationship great, there is no need to hurt her with this information.

 

That's what I am thinking, and just have to hope she never finds out. Of course going through decades of marriage trying to keep this secret isnt ideal. And the last thing I want is to ever get to a point - after marriage, kids - where she does find out and feel that I have taken her life away - as we could potentially have a relationship that only exists because of this lie, having kept these acts from her.

 

As I said, I'm not proud of what I did, and know I did already hurt her by my actions. It's just if she is happy now, and I am in a great place with her, does she have to know? Can't I keep this from her so she stays happy and we could then have a good life together?

 

Thank you for any thoughts.

[cheshire_cat]

Unfortunately I can't give you the advice you want or seek. I can only speak from the other side of this experience to a degree.

 

My current BF told me something 7 months ago about his past (granted it did not occur while we were together but trust me when I say it is something that could easily destroy a relationship) that occurred about 5 years prior to our relationship. We had been together less than a year when he told me. I have spent and still do spend so much time grappling with what he told and whether or not I can see myself with this person forever. Aside from a few hiccups he has been the best BF I've ever been with and loves me to a fault. That being said, there is part of me that wishes he had never eased his consequence by telling me what happened. But it is also something he struggles with on a regular basis that if he had never told me would have destroyed our relationship no matter what. Hence why he chose to tell me. He wants our relationship to be based on truth, good or bad. Granted what you did does a little bit more directly affect the relationship you have with your GF because it led to the initial breakup.

 

All that to say...the choice to tell her or not is your's to make. Do you think this is something that at this point will cause her to break up with you? Do you think if after 20 happys years of marriage and children this indiscretion a few months (what I assume) into your relationship will destroy that? Is the guilt of this something you can live with?

 

My BF took a huge chance in telling me what he told me and while it took me a while and is still taking me a while to deal with I appreciate that fact that our relationship is based around honesty and trust. Only you know your GF well enough to know whether or not this is something that will make or break the relationship.

[road]

Best to build a relationship on truth.

[No Limit]

You write that your GF is wife material. Do you think you are husband material?

[JohnK85]

To the last poster, yes, now I do. With how I was acting before (texting other girls - I didn't just accidentally make out with the other girl) I was not acting out of any respect for my girlfriend. And I didn't deserve her anymore.

 

However, after I did what I did, and came to some realizations, I have been fully committed and excited about the potential of our relationship. I am acting in a way to respect her and completely invested and committed to the relationship. So, to answer your question, no I wasn't before, but now, yes I am. That's why I broke up with her to figure out what I wanted and if I could act the right way toward her.

 

To the other posters, thanks for the advice.

[Realist3]

You can't keep living in the past.

[Darren Steez]

To the last poster, yes, now I do. With how I was acting before (texting other girls - I didn't just accidentally make out with the other girl) I was not acting out of any respect for my girlfriend. And I didn't deserve her anymore.

 

However, after I did what I did, and came to some realizations, I have been fully committed and excited about the potential of our relationship. I am acting in a way to respect her and completely invested and committed to the relationship. So, to answer your question, no I wasn't before, but now, yes I am. That's why I broke up with her to figure out what I wanted and if I could act the right way toward her.

 

To the other posters, thanks for the advice.

Except during that time you ended up banging that same girl that caused your break up. No reward or pat on the back for you son.

 

If you love someone then not only do you have to be honest with them, but with yourself. You're twisting this story around to make out like you made some great sacrifice and came out realizing you loved her, when it was more like you messed around, it caused a break up but breaking up was easy because you knew you had another piece on the side and lo and behold you went after it and got what you wanted.

 

Don't delude yourself into rewriting history to suit your narrative because the way you are talking shows you haven't really learned anything at all and in the future that means trouble because at the end if the day, you're not being honest with yourself and thus you're not being honest with her.

 

Tell her and from there prove to her what a great guy you can be, moving forward with no secrets.

 

Honesty is the corner stone of good relationships. Build on that.

[Satu]

If it bothers you after one year, it will bother you forever.

 

So you need to do something about it.

 

Follow your heart.