Ex is married....I'm not the OW but feel like it

[somedayhopeful]

I dated a guy for a little over three years, from 2007 to 2010. So it's been quite some time since our relationship ended. When we broke up, it was pretty messy, he had been unfaithful several times and we had lost a pregnancy that spun me into a horrible depression. When we broke up, I tried several times to rekindle the relationship, but he seem to be done. When he decided to move 800 miles away,I realize that the best thing to do for me and for him was to let him go and move on. He moved away about six months after we broke up.

 

After he moved, we didn't talk for over a year, I change my phone number (not to avoid him , I just had an out-of-state area code). I purposely made a point not to look at his Facebook page...seeing pictures can be hard. He sought me out through a good friend of mine to get my new number and sent me a text apologizing about a year after he moved away. Of course, the feelings came running back. We went through periods of texting all day for hours, time he would tell me things that he said would make him miss me. Or saying randomly "this sucks, I didn't think I could miss somebody this badly". There was more than one night where we would be up all night long, just texting (he never called me and I never called him). Several times he encouraged me to go visit him but I never did, mainly because I knew he was seeing somebody, I figured it wasn't too serious if he could be texting me. Still, I figured if he wanted to see me, he could come here after breaking up with me and then leaving.

 

Fast forward to about six months after hearing from him again, I look at his Facebook and see he had proposed to his girlfriend. I stopped talking to him after that. I did hear from them off and on, to which I did replybut seemed pretty distant in my opinion. A few weeks after he got married, I received a text from him asking how I've been. I told him that he needs to respect his marriage and his vows. That his wife likely would not be happy if she found out he was texting me. That it was inappropriate. He told me that he would just delete my number.

 

Recently, I've been getting multiple Facebook messages from him. Several times a week, if not daily. I choose not to bring up his wife or his marriage but I want to remain civil with him and maybe have a "friendship one day" if we could ever have that.

 

Well recently he came back to town to visit. He asked me if I would meet up with him, just for a drink. I figured there was no harm (Poor judgment on my part, yes I know).seeing him again sent back multiple emotions, missing him but wanting him to see that I am independent and happy. I noticed he wasn't wearing his wedding ring. I asked him if he was happy and he goes "yeah my job is great" I said to him "no....are you happy "and he said no. Basically he told me that he think often of us, of our relationship and that he wonders how it would be if he apologized to my family and friends. As far as I'm concerned, I got the apology I needed when he first contacted me after moving away and I have since forgiven him. He proceeds to tell me that he and his wife seem perfect to all his friends and family, but he said they are very "stagnant", They don't talk much, they don't have sex, and rarely sleep in the same bed together. He said that he doesn't understand how he can be married to someone so seemingly perfect for him, when the person he thinks of all the time is 800 miles away and was someone he would fight with constantly. He told me that it kills him to see me so happy and know that he's not the one making me this happy. I told him that I want him to be happy but this is something he would need to sort out with his wife. I gave no indication of a future for the two of us(and obviously if there was, he would need to be divorced and one of us would have to move). That night, he took my hand and squeezed it three times(we used to do that to say "I love you"). that took me by surprise

 

After hearing from him, a flood of emotions came back. I spent all of last week in a rut, just trying to sort out my feelings. I felt it best not to contact him after hearing from him, partially because I simply don't know what you say and partially because I want him to make the effort. A few days ago, he text me saying "I was testing you this week to see if you text me… Guess you failed". I replied severalTimes but he didn't reply back to me. I asked him yesterday what his text the other day meant and he goes "I don't even know what I said on Friday" I didn't reply after. Can anybody guess what might be going on in his mind?

[Ruffian1]

Can anybody guess what might be going on in his mind?

 

 

Well . . . my first impression is, to be blunt, that he is grooming you to be his girl on the side in the future.

 

 

Either that or he is just trying to mind f#ck you.

 

 

He hasn't been married very long. Yes of course they don't have sex or sleep in the same bed, are stagnant, etc . . . . classics.

 

 

He is looking to cheat.

[jellybean89]

He wants to have an affair. He knows you are open to it because you had no problem texting him knowing he was in a relationship. you are the OW, at least in an emotional affair.

 

You can't believe anything about his marriage -- I bet he does sleep next to her and have sex with her. He's testing you -- just like he said about texting.

 

Stop communicating with him. It won't be long before you are back in his bed, and instead of an EA, you will be in a PA with him.

[WhiteOrchid]

This guy is a player and a cheater. Always has been, always will be. That's what he does. He cheated on you. Now he's cheating on his wife (and honestly, the likelihood that you are the first woman he has pursued/cheated with since he got married is very low). When someone shows you who they really are, believe them.

 

Please think about this. He had only been married for a FEW WEEKS and he was already reaching out to you. What does that tell you about him and his character? Sure, it's romantic and ego-boosting to think he's only doing this because he loves you and misses you so much. But he cheated on you. You had a miscarriage and he wasn't supportive. He did not respond to your overtures afterwards. He married someone else. Who is he now trying to cheat on. This is not a person you need in your life.

 

This is why ex's should stay in the past. No contact. No FB stalking. No texting. No "friendship." No meeting for drinks to catch up.

 

You've been out of this for 5 years. Don't allow yourself to get sucked back in. It will only cause you great pain and heartache.

 

"I was testing you this week to see if you text me… Guess you failed." Seriously????? Do you really want someone this immature and ridiculous in your life? Block his number. Block him from all social media. And do not ever talk to him again. He is not worth a second of your time.

[anika99]

This guy is douche! Why are even talking to him? You want him to come back to you so you can get cheated on some more? Don't tell me you fell for the "I don't sleep with my wife" bullsh*t. What do you think he said to the women he screwed while he was with you? Probably the same crap he's telling you now. He is a serial cheater and after he cheated on you and hurt you, you reward him by giving him your attention and showing interest? That is crazy. Cut it out.

[snl]

To be honest you should not care what he meant but rather stay away and avoid all the pain. Go full NC and eliminate this gent out of your life. This relationship is going to cause you most likely lots of pain given that you already now have a lot of emotions Goin high. The best rule is to stay away from an AP. for good. And never go back. Just my 2 cents of thoughts but I really dont want you to suffer eventually. Your journey. Wishing you all best

[Poppy47]

He is being dreadful to his wife and I hate to say it, but meeting him when you know he is married, was just giving him a signal that you are available to play around with him

 

He was dreadful to you too.... cast your mind back to what you wrote. He didn't care very much about you when you were with him.

 

Don't know why you stayed in touch with somebody who treats others so poorly.

Poppy.

[sandylee1]

This guy is best out of your life. He cheated more than once with you, you deserve a faithful partner. Block his number and leave him in the past.

[coryreply]

This does not seem like a good situation at all. I think there's warning signs and red flags all over the place. There is someone better for you out there that'll be worth your wait.

Edited March 4, 2015 by coryreply

[Tayla]

Just because the bridge wasn't burnt doesn't mean you need to cross back over it. Think about it.

 

Let him live up to his vows. He said them, and they have to mean something.

[whatcanitellyou]

I think he sees you as an easy side piece. Cheating husbands use this tactic all the time: their wife is mean, doesn't sleep with them, they're miserable and can't live without you. Please don't fall for it and cut him off.

[pheonixrisen]

He is grooming you for an affair ...blowing hot and cold ...and you are falling right into it..

 

Let me give you an example from my own story..In my h words

 

My h first told our ow he is married...After he saw she still showed interest he saw an opportunity and laid the foundation ...He went from being married to being unhappy in his marriage

to being emotionally abused in his marriage ...to he is not even sleeping with his wife. .to later being separated and in process of divorce .

 

the truth

I had no clue my marriage was in any trouble ...I had no clue about his A..I asked him give me one example of how I emotionally abused him..and he said I did not ...It was just something he said ....We were never separated ..I don't know how he got away with this one ....and in all the time that I have been married to him he never once mentioned divorce ..

 

We had no issues with our sex life either....so

 

He is laying the foundation and waiting for you to catch the bait ....you are already falling for it...If he is miserable why not leave marriage and then start a real R with you...He will come up with some excuse of why he cannot leave ...or better still call his wife and ask her if it's true they have miserable marriage like he says and you will hear the truth ...

 

I say take your heart and run the other way.

[Mal78]

It sounds like you have pretty good intuition and moral compass. You have been going against it lately and you know it's wrong even if because of what you *had* it feels good/right.

 

He chose a *life* with her, not you. Don't be his afterthought, side piece or play thing.

 

His description of his Marriage is for *your* ears ONLY. Everyone else including his wife sees it VERY differently. It may lack passion in which you two possessed but that is up to him to ignite that with her as she very well might not know what she is missing.

 

Either way. He is coaxing you, co-workers and old flames. Lazy affairs. Remember, an ex is an ex for a reason.