What if he leaves me!?

[FolderWife]

I'm pmsing pretty bad. So that has a lot to do with this.

 

My husband hasn't spoken to his dad since before I met him. He hates his mom, because she left him, his dad, and his brother for another man, so he doesn't talk to his mom either. My husband adores his uncle, but my husband and I got in a fight once and his uncle called me the next day while my husband was at work to check on me. We talked for an hour, and my husband's uncle accidently let something slip about my husband's past that my husband never told me. Apparently, right after my husband got out of the army he was strapped for cash, and got into an accident. He didn't need the pain pills that were prescribed to him after the accident, so he gave them to a family member, and the family member sold the pills and gave my husband the money.

 

This doesn't bother me at all right now, but back then I was pissed that my husband would do something like that. I was very holier than thou back then. We'd only been married a couple of months.

 

When my husband got home, I asked him if what his uncle told me was true. He got angry at me for judging him (I don't blame him) and at his uncle for telling me something like that.

 

So he didn't speak to his uncle for nearly a year after that.

 

Then, he and his uncle recently made up when we moved into our new house. However, five months later, my husband got angry at his uncle because we went to a boxing match with his uncle, and his uncle got drunk and made a huge scene, and it really embarassed my husband. So now my husband, once again, has written his uncle out of his life.

 

Well, recently my husband's dad (who is a cop) got me out of a speeding ticket. I haven't met my father in law, and I didn't ask him to do me this huge favore. Yesterday, my husband's uncle called me, and I talked to him for half an hour. He asked where my husband was, and I said he was in bed...when in reality, my husband just won't talk to him

 

So last night, hubby and I were in bed, and I started thinking about how my husband has written his entire family out of his life for one thing or another. What his uncle did, while it pissed me off for a good month, was forgivable especially when he apologized. But my husband is stubborn.

 

So while in bed, I started to wonder, what if I do something wrong. What if my husband decides one day that something I did was unforgivable, and he writes me out of his life. Just then, my husband woke up, and playfully stole the covers. I tried to hide the fact that I was crying, but he asked what was wrong. At first I denied anything was wrong, and blamed it on pms. Then he persisted, and I said, "Well, your dad misses you, and then today your uncle calls, and I don't know what your dad did to make you stop talking to him, but you write people out, and what if I do something wrong some day?... Once you write someone out, they're GONE."

 

Then I shut up, because I didn't want to hurt him. He rolled over and went back to sleep without an explaination.

 

I can't really judge my husband, because I don't know what this falling out with his dad was over. I've seen how he can just stop talking to his uncle *whom he adores* at any little thing he does.

 

~*I just wanted to add that I ALWAYS have dreams that my husband has left me, or I can't get to him, or I can't get him on the phone, or I've left him and then decide I want him back, or that some other woman is flirting with him. A friend of mine with a dream book said that this kind of dream means that I have insecurity in my relationship. I'd actually been feeling pretty secure lately, so while I was laying in bed last night, I started wondering why I felt insecure sub conciously. Then it occured to me that my husband has cut his family out of his life, and even though they make an effort to get back into his life, (his mom called the HECK out of us before we moved and changed to an unlisted number, his uncle calls at least twice a month, and now his dad *even though he's never called us* has made this effort to get back into his son's good graces) my husband refuses to let any of them back in.~*

[EC]

I dont know I could be wrong But It just feels as if there's a lot more that he hasn't told you. You just don't write your family off like that.

[FolderWife]

I agree. I agree 100% But then I saw how he kept cutting his uncle out over practically nothing. I can see him hating his mom. She was hard on him as a kid. His aunt and uncle will attest to that.

 

His dad raised him and his brother after she left. According to my best friend (who went to school with him and his brother) his dad was always getting his brother out of trouble. My husband hates his brother too. They always fought when they were little. I hear his brother is a loser.

 

But his dad seems like a really nice guy from all I've heard about him, and my husband's face lights up when he talks about his dad.

 

When we were dating, my husband said that when he got out of the army, his dad was pissy with him for not spending time with him. My husband said that he wanted to relax and hang out with his friends, but his dad was nagging him to stay home. Then, one day, my husband came home, and all of his pictures were off the wall. He said that was the last straw, and he packed his stuff and left...and never spoke to his dad again.

 

My best friend said, "That would piss me of too! Especially the was his dad was always taking up for his dead beat brother!"

 

So yeah, if my sibling was a reject, yet my parents always looked out for them, and I tried to make something of myself, and went to the army so I could get a good job, and then when I get home my dad takes my pictures off the wall because he's sooo disappointed in me, then yeah, I would be pissed too.

 

And since hubby is so unforgiving every time his uncle does some little thing, then maybe that's all that happened.

[LucreziaBorgia]

The 'what if' game is pretty dangerous to play - because your husband cannot realistically tell you what he would actually do in a situation like that. He can only tell you what he thinks he might do and if he doesn't want to hurt you, he's likely to keep that to himself because it would be pointless to say hurtful things just because you want to know 'what if'.

 

You can continue to worry, but it really won't do you any good to do so. It might just make matters worse. I can understand wanting to take preventative measures, but to push this situation would be like giving chemo to someone on the off chance that they might get cancer. It would do more harm than good.

 

Cutting off his family, and being unforgiving/absolute like that says quite a bit about how he chooses to handle conflict. I do not think that you would be any exception to that - and that's probably why he turned over and wouldn't talk about it.

 

Have you two ever considered marriage counseling or individual counseling? From the posts you've had here, I can hardly understand how the two of you function together under one roof - when, with a little help learning to communicate with one another it could be so much easier for you and him both.

 

You two have:

 

communication issues

insecurity issues

fear of abandonment issues

refusal to accept or accommodate for each other's needs

control issues

sexual dysfunction

 

... and that's just the ones I can think of off the top of my head from reading your posts. If it continues in this way, where the trauma and drama are more a part of your life than happiness and contentment with each other - then its not a matter of "if" you'll lose each other.... its "when". Take control of your marriage and try to fix it instead of being victim to it. With his state of mind, if it happens - it sounds like a break will be irrefutable and irreversible.

[EC]

And since hubby is so unforgiving every time his uncle does some little thing, then maybe that's all that happened.

 

I think he had a lot of demons from his past that he needs to confront and let out in order to move on with his life. As for writing off his uncle..I think that since his father didn't understand him and was such a jerk to him..he looked at his uncle as a father figure.

 

So whenever his Uncle does him harm or hurts him..its not just an uncle hurting him...He expects that from his father not his uncle so he writes him off because it hurts.

[Mz. Pixie]

Monday,

 

I've read alot of your posts- is this the same husband who had nude pictures of you in his car and who makes you perform oral sex on him even when you're ill? (see giving him sex anytime he wants it topic)

 

There are ALOT of issues in this marriage apparently. I think some individual counseling might be good for you to help you deal with some of these feelings that you have and your self worth issues. I say that because you must have some or you probably wouldn't have stayed with a guy like that.

 

You seem really sweet and I'm not trying to hurt your feelings but I think you have alot to deal with.

[PatientOne]

It would be the best thing that happened to you since you met him. You would finally (hopefully) be able to find a decent man and have a real life.

 

After following your story here, all I can say is your husband is a hateful, selfish little man who has you totally under his thumb. Which is a pity, you deserve so much better.

[WithOrWithoutYou]

Monday,

 

I've read a few of your posts on this board, and your husband is clearly abusive. Most abusive men are that way because they were abused by one or more of their own parents, or saw a parent doing that to their own mother or father. Perhaps this is the reason he has written off his dad. That said, just because *he* might have been abused (or seen abuse), that does not excuse the way he apparently treats you.

 

As for "what if he leaves me", I would just echo the comments of PatientOne. While I might have put it a bit more delicately than he did, he is not wrong. Go to http://www.google.com, and search for "emotional abuse". You will probably see a lot of things that look very familiar, as well as some of the underlying reasons why he probably is the way he is, if you have a need to understand it, or why his relationship with his dad [probably] broke down. That said, in my opinion, you should still get out of that horrible relationship. As for his leaving you, he may talk about it (or may not), but he probably won't. As long as he can get gratification from emotionally abusing and leveling you (coercing sex like you posted about, always treating you as inferior and walking one step ahead of you, not reassuring you when you ask him about something you are worried about (a form of witholding affection), treating you like the object that is his wife instead of as a human being), he has you right where he wants you, and is unlikely to stop. If he leaves, that would mean stopping, therefore, he is unlikely to leave - but you should! Also see my recent post in the "giving him sex anytime he wants it" thread. I have a few more comments there.

[Tamed Wildflower]

Monday,

 

I don't want to hurt you, but I must say that I agree with LucreziaBorgia, Mz. Pixie, PatientOne, and WithOrWithoutYou. This is a relationship with major issues. It seems like it gives you more subjugation, more blows to your self-respect, more frustration than joy, happiness, contentment, or support. I wanted to say this to you before, when I first read your sex-anytime-he-wants-it post, but I didn't want to offend you. Ever hear the expression "there's an elephant in the room"? It refers to when there is a huge issue right in front of everyone's face, but out of tact or respect, everyone ignores it. For me, your abusive relationship was the elephant in the middle of the room that I didn't know how to discuss without offending you.

 

Yes, Monday, I think this relationship is really bad for you. Your husband is domineering and controlling. He treats you more like a domestic and sexual servant than a human being. No one deserves to be treated like that, least of all someone as sweet as you. You deserve to be respected, to have your concerns treated with some care and respect; you deserve to be treated as an equal partner in a relationship. Most of all you deserve to recognize (yourself) and to have recognized (by others) your human dignity.

 

I do think that the only thing that can help your husband work through his power/control issues is individual counseling, and/or maybe something like "finding God". I'm not terribly religious myself, but it is true that the basic teachings of a lot of religions include the kind of principles that can make for healthy relationships. (Think of Christian love, for example.) So often when people become devoutly faithful, they open their eyes to some really unhealthy dynamics in their relationships, or they see their own life situations in a new light, and they also often derive the strength from their faith that they need to make sweeping changes. Honestly, I don't care whether he gets the eye-opening or the strength from counseling or from religious faith, I just know that the way he treats you isn't right and your submission to him is not good for you. (Maybe you should consider counseling or church yourself?)

 

Please do consider leaving this relationship. I know it has its moments of happiness. It was sweet of your husband the time he came home just because he wanted to be there when you got there. But are those moments of happiness worth all the frustration and grief and pain that you expressed in your sex-anytime-he-wants-it post? To respond directly to your question, I agree with WithOrWithoutYou that this man will probably not ever leave you-- he relies on having someone to serve him, someone to control, someone to subjugate. He will probably never leave. But I think you should seriously consider leaving. He won't like it, because at this point he probably thinks he owns you, and how can a thing he owns just up and leave? Things can't, but people can, and I urge you to.

 

I do have a comment I'd like to add, as to why it might be that you would have been attracted to a relationship like this one, but I think I'll hold my tongue unless you give me permission to further psycho-analyze you. I've said enough thus far.

 

Hugs,

TW