Suffering with mixed emotions.

[Hurt to my Core]

This is going to be long everyone so please be patient with me.

 

In 1995 I met a married woman who I feel in love with and we begin to have an affair. I was not married at the time which does not make a difference regardless, I am still to blame for what I did. I did not care at the time but as I have gotten older I have leaned to regret my actions. The affair ended and the husband found out.

 

We lost contact and she ended up finding me on social media in 2006. She was still married at the time and I was not. However, we both were living in different states. The flame was rekindled and she eventually left her husband for me. I moved back to the same state and we then got an apartment together. For reference I work overseas a lot and have to stay going for various lengths of time.

 

In 2009 I went ahead and asked her to marry me and she accepted. During the time of the engagement I began to notice odd behavior. She was constantly running over to a girlfriends house and would stay all the time. At this time I began to notice patterns with money and other various expense not seeming right. This is when I first got my suspicions about pills. I did not ask because I guess I was in denial about her doing anything and turned a blind eye.

 

In Dec 2010 we were married and held the wedding in our house. Shortly after the wedding I had to deploy with the army overseas for a year trip. While I was overseas I saw money flying out the door and expenses going through the roof. I cut her off the checking account and she kept telling me this is what happens when you are married, referring to expenses.

 

When I got back home Dec 2011 things felt very strange and I figured it was from the deployment and everything else. We went and had dinner and she told me that while I was gone she had been sexually assaulted in the parking lot of a retail store. I was obviously concerned and wanted to call the police, I have a law enforcement background and know the lot has a cctv camera systems. She refused to get law enforcement involved and I tried to understand and let it go.

 

Not long after that I kept seeing money missing and other odd behaviors. I finally sat her down one day and asked directly if she had a drug problem. I told her if she did I would spare no expense in getting her the help she, and we, would need. She told me no and once again I let it go at that. Upon return home from work, I found all my jewelry was missing out of my drawers. She told me someone else must have take it and should let it go.

 

I got on the phone with the police department and while on the phone she told me to hang up the phone and she wanted a divorce. I was caught off guard with that and we had a long talk. We did not get divorce and she said she would get off the pills. Unfortunately she never got off the pills and the situation began to deteriorate very quickly. Finally I told her either you get the drugs or your marriage. It was during this time I was told by a person, the sexual assault was consensual sex for drugs.

 

She finally checked into rehab Feb 2013 after a long fight and started getting the help she needed. I was in love with her all over again and believed we had a chance. She was there about 37 days and then left. I was very uncomfortable with her leaving so soon. I kept telling her to make sure she got a sponsor, went to meetings, and talk to a councilor. She refused to do that and I even invited her to attend alanon meeting with me but she refused. It was not too long afterward I began to see the same patterns developing and I started to get distant and more madder everyday.

 

It got to the point she would not work, stay up all night, and sleep all day. I began to feel very disconnected and was at wits end. Once again I saw unexplained disappearances and money going out the door. It was at this time I met a young girl who in began to have an emotional affair with, no sex or anything but I just wanted someone to talk to while I was home. In Jan 2014 my emotional was found out and I was trashed by her for what I did. I felt a heavy since of regret and felt a lot of shame for my actions.

 

I came clean and took my much deserved beating for my actions. I then asked her, as I have do previously, for us to go to counciling, of course she refused and we have been on a path to self destruction ever since. She wanted to beat me down but I could not get her to deal with the reoccurring drug issue. And that is where we stood up till yesterday.

 

Yesterday I was checking phone and credit card bills and found a number and location that kept popping up. I did a little checking and was able to piece together the that she has been talking to another man since Oct 2013 and has gone to see him while I am gone on my job on three different occasions since Oct 2014. I blew a gasket and was running through all the emotions. I yelled and screamed that she had burned me down and was doing the same thing the whole time.

 

We had a big yelling screaming phone call ugly text messages and now she says she is moving out of my house. So that is where I am at.

 

I guess you could say I am getting what I deserve and should accept what has happened. I regret my actions but in a way I still care about her but I have to take care of myself now. I think this maybe defined as a toxic relationship and I should just move on.

 

I figure you guys are going to beat me up, I am ready.

[No Limit]

You married a cheater knowingly. Why did you ever expect something different happening to you? You're pretty damn lucky that she hasn't been pregnant by her affair partner yet and you'd be forced to pay child support because you were married.

 

Not going to do much beating though, "karma" has done its work and her ex is probably having a good giggle over your situation too.

[Hurt to my Core]

Karma is surely a bi!ch. Thanks for the reply.

[karnak]

You don't deserve any beating.

 

You did wrong in the past, yes. But you've already acnowledged your mistakes and feel sorry for them.

 

You said it yourself. Your marriage is a toxic one. Your wife is a broken mess. Doing sex for drugs? Oh man...

There's nothing you can do here. Your wife has some sort of darkness inside her that only her can fight.

 

You're probably young. Move forward. You can still find a decent woman, settle and raise a stable family.

 

Keep posting on Loveshack every time you feel you need advice.

 

Peace and strength to you.

[KBarletta]

You need to get away from this relationship. If she doesn't deal head-on with her drug problem, then there is no hope for your marriage either. Unfortunately, only she can do that. You can't control her decisions. I would do everything I could to make sure she got the help she needed with the drug problem, then cut her loose and do everything you can to move on. The good news is you have no kids so you can make a clean break and find a healthier relationship some time down the line.

[LoveMyCat]

Just get out the marriage any way you can. You have done what you could to try to help her off drugs. There is no future with an addicted spouse, or a cheating one, especially if they refuse to try.

[Hurt to my Core]

Thanks for all of the advice, it is making my decision process a little less difficult.

 

I am starting to think back about a lot of things and have realized I focused so much on the drug addiction that I lost focus on the possibility of the affair. Hindsight being 20/20, everything was right in front of me, she was staying out late, claiming to be one place and not, and a lot of other things. Regardless of all that, the thing that pisses me off more than anything was the fact I was getting accused of talking to someone the whole time she was cheating. She destroyed my reputation with friends and family alike and she was the one out there having the affair.....AAAAHHHH!!!!!!!!

 

Make no mistake I was wrong talking to the young girl I met before but I surely did not deserved to get kicked in the balls by this hypocrite. Anyway, as of the last conversation everything was my fault from her addiction to her selling her wedding and engagement rings. Oh, I forgot to tell y'all that one. She sold her rings and lied about it for about six months. She claimed they were at her mother or daughter's and etc. Finally she told me she sold them and that it was my fault as well.

 

She told me she was leaving the house but I have heard that for months now. So I don't know what is going on. I am currently overseas with my job and since we don't speak I have no idea what is happening. I do know she got her own cell phone, I figure it is so I can't track her numbers anymore. I am not sure what she is going to do because she has no job or any other source of income. I hope her new boyfriend realizes what he is about to inherit with this train wreck, I almost have to think better him than me now.

 

I guess no matter everything that happened I did love her very much once and still will have a soft spot in my heart. But there has just been too much damage done and certain things I just can't forgive. Well I will eventually forgive, but I can never forget. I figure she will get deeper into the addiction and eventually hit rock bottom. What scares me is getting that call.

[karnak]

Unfortunately, you can't help those that do not want to be helped.

You can only help those who ask for your help.

 

Focus on yourself. Be strong.

By staying strong and healthy in body and mind you will manage to help yourself and all those who will come to you asking for your help.

 

I admit that I once (like many people) also tried to help those that needed help but didn't want to help themselves.

Result: I got "burned". Seriously.

 

Never again will I waste my health, sanity and time helping those who who don't want to help themselves. Learn from my mistakes.

 

Be good to yourself and to those that are really worthy of your time. By doing this and being always true to yourself you will see that everything will fall back into place, in proper time.

[Jessie1231]

I was married to my husband for eleven years, and he had a pill problem too. I made some of the same mistakes you did. I knew going in he had problems, but I believed him when he said it would get better. The only difference in your problem and mine is that I waited until I was no longer in love with him to leave. When I finally did end my marriage, my only regret was not doing it sooner.

 

He cheated and lied, and I kept hoping for things to get better. It wrecked me. It just does. It is impossible to take care of someone like that when they refuse to change. It will hurt terribly now and for a while, but eventually you'll realize that what you're doing is the best thing you can do. You tried, she didn't. There isn't anything else you can do now.

[Mr. Lucky]

I guess no matter everything that happened I did love her very much once and still will have a soft spot in my heart. But there has just been too much damage done and certain things I just can't forgive. Well I will eventually forgive, but I can never forget. I figure she will get deeper into the addiction and eventually hit rock bottom. What scares me is getting that call.

 

Are you in the service or a civilian working with the military? Can you initiate divorce proceeding from your location?

 

Having deal with a family member with a substance abuse problem, I always try to remember the three C's - you didn't Cause, you can't Control and you won't Cure. And for those reasons, you need boundaries to protect you against infidelity, financial ruin and worse. What happens when you come home and, unable to locate your wife, her dealer thinks you should settle her debts?

 

Get. Out. Now...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Hurt to my Core]

Hope you guys don't mind me bringing this back.....

 

It has been about six weeks since we spoke, I have been doing the "no contact" thing for my own sanity. However, she has not tried to contact me either. I think it can be a good thing because I have not been insulted or hung up on since that time we spoke. She would hang up on me intentionally because she knows it is my pet peeve and calling from overseas it pissed me off even more. I found out she was still in my house as of a couple days ago and she never left the keys with the neighbor like I asked.

 

I don't know how she is getting money unless she got a job but that is unlikely. I am afraid she maybe selling things out of the house or worse yet dealing to make money and supply the addiction. I am pretty sure she has not gotten clean unless something dramatic happened over the past few weeks that helped a years long addictin. Be that as it may, I have cut off her money because I can't be an enabler anymore but I hope she is not hurting or going hungry.

 

I am not sure what I am going to run into in a few weeks when I get home but one of us needs to be out of the house for the separation process to be valid. I would guess she would have moved in with her boyfriend by now but it appears that has not come to pass. I keep waiting to be upset but it has not happen like I thought, I guess I knew in my mind it was inevitable. I feel really calm and focused on what needs to happen with the separation and divorce.

 

No matter what happens I would give anything for her to get help and deal with the addiction but there is nothing I can do about that. I have a feeling that her new boyfriend and other questionable friends are the center piece of her addiction world right now.

 

Good words of encouragement are appreciated everybody. Oh, and I wish everyone the best in your own situations.

[loveboid]

You're doing well. It sounds to me that you have accepted and made peace with your situation. Kudos. Thank you for the update.

[No Limit]

Perhaps she's a prostitute now. It's the favourite profession choice for female addicts. ... Just be sure to buy a new bed when you get home.