My bf makes me feel ugly

[Alive]

My bf makes me feel ugly. It's the things he says sometimes and it gets under my skin because it makes me feel worthless. I tried to talk to him last night and he made it sound like the problem's with me.

 

Maybe I do have insecurities but I don't need to hear out of the blue: "You will never be a fashion model or a bikini model." I know I won't but it gets under my skin when he rubs it in my face like that. He does this every so often. Another time, he said, "I've gone out with prettier girls than you."

 

Well, I've gone out with better looking guys than him but why dwell on it -- the past is the past and the only thing that matters right now is the present and I think about what it'd be like to be on the receiving end of that and I wouldn't like to hear something like that...I wouldn't dream about saying something like that to him.

 

I'm not overweight, I'm not ugly -- a few guys (not all) still do double takes of me when I walk into a room. Guys (and women, for that matter) still play the eye flirting game with me on the bus, subway, and at places I go. I don't think I'm entirely stupid. I make an ok living. i'm not dependent on my bf for food, shelter, clothes, or other necessities. I'm trying to save up and study to get into law school and trying to save a little coin to pay my way.

 

But he makes me focus on what i don't have rather than what I do have. When I'm not around him, I feel beautiful and confident and strong -- just happy with my life and all the things I've worked so hard for. But it really gets me down when he says the things he says. I don't ask for him to tell me I'm beautiful - I just want him to stop giving me negativity and getting me down. I don't want to be reminded once a week that I'll never be a bikini model or a fashion model. I don't care, I never said I wanted to be one, and I don't have any desire to be one deep down.

 

The more he says it, the more I just want to lash out and say that he isn't the most attractive guy in the world himself. The more he says this, the more I feel this way about him. He's said before he thinks he's ugly -- I don't find him ugly -- and I wish he'd stop stepping on me about my looks. And then when I tell him to stop with his negativity, he'll say something like, "But I think you're gorgeous." I hate it because I feel like it belittles my accomplishments and the efforts I put into taking care of myself...that it boils down to whether or not I could be a bikini model.

 

Are all guys like this? My ex never made me feel like this and it was never an issue in our conversations.

 

I'm wondering if this can be fixed or if the situation I'm in is a lost cause. I don't want to feel this kind of negativity anymore because I know from some long-ago past experiences, that such negativity has a tendancy to bleed itself into other things in your life because it affects the way you see yourself.

[whichwayisup]

My bf makes me feel ugly. It's the things he says sometimes and it gets under my skin because it makes me feel worthless. I tried to talk to him last night and he made it sound like the problem's with me.

 

Life is too short to spend it with someone who makes you feel bad about yourself.

 

You are aware of this, you see how he is and unfortunately he isn't going to change. Only thing you can do is put yourself first, realize he isn't right for you and find someone who will love you and treat you with lots of love and respect! Someone who makes YOU feel good!

[LucreziaBorgia]

"You will never be a fashion model or a bikini model."

 

"I've gone out with prettier girls than you."

 

Does he say these things unprompted - as in you weren't discussing it at all and he just says it out of the blue?

 

I am hearing a lot of reasons why you shouldn't be with him, and no reasons you should stay. What are the positives (real positives, not things that "could be" positive with changes) that keep you with someone who dishes out such negatives?

[prisoner]

you have answwered your own question.

 

you are in a lost cause. he is trying to lure you in to some sick game where he wants to feel humiliated too. or he wants to take it to anotehr level with you.

 

abuse is abuse and you have to tell him to stop and if he persists then walk away with your dignity intact. stoopto his level and you will open a can of worms.

 

abusive people have been abused. someone calls him ugly or has and you are neither responsible for that or in need of that kind of treatment.

 

walk away. you are just scratching the surface of the problems he has.

[d'Arthez]

Originally posted by Alive

Are all guys like this? My ex never made me feel like this and it was never an issue in our conversations.

 

I'm wondering if this can be fixed or if the situation I'm in is a lost cause. I don't want to feel this kind of negativity anymore because I know from some long-ago past experiences, that such negativity has a tendancy to bleed itself into other things in your life because it affects the way you see yourself.

 

The question you had, is already answered by thinking of your ex, who did not engage in this idiotic behavior. If it is indeed unprompted, I would be very, very wary that it does not develop into more.

 

As Lucrezia noted, there do not seem to many positives about this relationship. What are the enhancements this relationship brings to your life? And if there are not too many positives, why would you want to waste your time in this relationship?

[Lainie]

This guy sounds like he has mental probelms.

 

HE sounds extremely superficial for a start. Maybe he's insecure about himself and tries to make you feel bad because he thinks your out of his league, but by degrading you, he feels better.

 

Either way, you dont need this ****. Tell him get f***ed. You need somebody to love and respect you. Someone who believes in you and makes you feel like you can achieve anything, which you can. This guy sounds like he was dropped on his head as a baby, and that brain damage aint never going to heal.

 

Move on, leave him.

 

Let him cash in his one way ticket to loserville, dont be a passenger to this disaster!!!

 

Take care of yourself xxxx

[Linlin]

Originally posted by Lainie

HE sounds extremely superficial for a start. Maybe he's insecure about himself and tries to make you feel bad because he thinks your out of his league, but by degrading you, he feels better.

 

Exactly what I was thinking.

 

You don't need this and deserve better than this.

 

Get rid of him.

 

Life is too precious and too short to waste your time with him.

[Alive]

Does he say these things unprompted - as in you weren't discussing it at all and he just says it out of the blue?

Yeah, he does say it unprompted. We'll be talking about something else entirely -- maybe about a show we're going to (this is what we were talking about last night) or something of the same nature -- and then he hits me with one of these unflattering lines. But then he tries to fix it by saying, "But I think you're gorgeous." WTF? I don't need his pity compliments, if that's what they are.

 

It freaks me out a little bit because it reminds me a bit of an abusive bf I went out with 10 years ago. This guy had a way of stepping on my self-esteem so bad, it took me years to see through his everyday lies about what he told me about myself -- he wanted me to believe I needed him. During that time, I remember I got really down on myself.

 

Why I am still with him:

I live with him but I pay my share of rent, I usually buy the groceries, and still trying to save a few bucks in between. If I'm feeling frivolous, I'll buy some books. I love him because he likes animals, he spends time with me, and tries to help me out when I seem like I need help (although I never accept someone helping me out with money).

 

 

You're not going to believe this. Just a minute ago, I think he called to check up on me! Someone just called on my cell phone and said nothing. I know it was him because I know that specific sound of one of the pieces of equipment he works with (it's a very distinctive sound). The person listened at the other end for a half minute and then slammed the phone down.

 

Could it be that he thinks I'm messing around on him? Why call and say nothing and then slam the phone down?

[Alive]

Caller ID was blocked.

[d'Arthez]

There are better men out there with the same interests and passions, and without this idiotic behavior. From the look of things, it seems he does have a few abusive tendencies, to say the very least. You know how devastating the effect can be. And even though it is not physical abuse yet, it certainly would classify as the beginning stages of emotional abuse.

 

Is not there any option to move out, and find your own place? There are things that are more important than a few bucks. Checking up on you with Caller ID blocked is simply not acceptable. You are not his personal human toy, although he probably seems to think subconsciously this is the case.

[LucreziaBorgia]

It sounds like his own insecurity is driving him to bring you down to what he perceives as his level - because he's afraid that if you become more confident and secure with yourself you'll leave him. Which is basically the truth. He's making sure that you stay where he wants you.

 

 

Insecurity is a symbiotic, if not downright mutually parasitic factor in many relationships - his insecurity is fed by yours and the strength of your relationship lies solely in how insecure enough you are to stay. In this relationship, neither of you are being pushed to break out of that insecurity - you enable it in each other. For one of you to improve would mean the death of the relationship. Should you both improve, the major factors holding you together as a couple would likely cease to exist and the relationship would likely dissolve as you both go forward to more mutually pleasing and healthy relationships.

 

People who are insecure often set themselves up and keep themselves in situations which are guaranteed to perpetuate the status quo: when insecurity is all you know, you tend to hold on to it regardless of how bad or negative it is.

[Lainie]

HELLO, he's a psycho.

 

 

RUN AWAY, as fast as you can. He's playing head games and you dont need this. If he's trying to **** with your self esteem, then what does that tell you? He's an abuser, it will only get worse with time and then at the end of it, you wont be able to leave because you wont have the guts to, the years of his yakking at you will creep into your brain.

 

You deserve so much better. I think he needs help, he's not normal.

 

You love and praise your partner, not beat them and abuse them.

[paradox]

You know next time he says something like this tell him "why are you going out with me then?go find prettier one.."and if he does, then well it doesn't sound like it's gonna be a big loss

[Mz. Pixie]

I think he's trying to make you feel unattractive so that you won't be thinking of leaving him anytime soon. Many people do this it's like, "Look how lucky you are to have me, you're yada yada yada"

 

When I'm with someone I want them to think that I am the most beautiful woman they have ever been with, especially if it's a serious relationship. I also feel like people in a serious relationship boost each other's self esteem- you want to build a person up- not knock them down if you love them.

 

He's got issues and you need to find someone who appreciates you. The calling you and hanging up is just strange-I wouldn't like that AT ALL.

[crazychick]

I agree with Lucrezia, he is saying this stuff because he is insecure about himself. And by demeaning you, he in turn attempts to make you insecure. This way you can't leave him. My father is like this. Before my parents got divorced he would say these horrible things to my mother (not to mention what he did to us kids) and he made her feel worthless. It took her forever to leave him because he had her thinking she was stupid and not attractive and would never be able to be anything without him. It was so hard for her, but after 10 years, she finally got away from him. The main reason on top of all of the abuse is he would tell her that she was so dumb, and he would take custody of the kids because she had nothing and couldn't fight him. She couldnt bare the thought of us alone with him, so she tolerated it. She suffered, we all suffered. Thankfully she was able to get away. And it made us all better without him.

 

My advice is not to deal with this. Get out. Don't even think about spending the rest of your life with him, because if he is doing this to you, he will do it to your children. I can't tell you how hard it has been for me to realize that I am not worthless like he always said I was. You deserve better, you can take care of yourself. There is another way - you can do it on your own. Move in with a friend, do whatever you can to get him out of your life. Find someone who cherishes you and thinks you are the most beautiful girl to him. Once someone looks at you like that - that loves you for you and all of your good qualities, it will be much healthier for you.

[very-confused-girl]

I agree with posts above. Everything relates to his insecurity. My mom is a little bit similar. She has always been insaulting my father and making him feel bad in order to "drop him onto her level".

 

You can help him to deal with his issues, but dont be his comforter and safety-net. You have your own needs as well.

 

And one other thing - I do believe girls are meant to be appreciated, especially for their looks, they were designed to attract man. He should be doing completely the opposite from insaulting you.

[crazychick]

I agree with the post above, except not just girls deserve to be appreciated. We all do, men and women. For our looks? Not just for our looks, but for who we are inside and out. It seems like you have your head on straight, you take care of yourself, you pay your own bills, you are saving for Law school (how awesome is that!!!). You should be proud of yourself, and the person you are with should be proud of you too! The people you love shouldn't bring you down.

[citygrrl]

I agree with everyone...this guy seems to be very insecure, and is trying to make you feel unattractive so that you'll never leave him... you say that you notice how people look at you - and chances are, if that is going on when you are out with him, he notices it, too... I can tell you that I got out of a relationship like that some time ago, and it took me months to get my self- esteem back. This guy was not especially good - looking either, and he made me cry many, many times with his negative comments - and I started thinking "No one else ever makes these type of comments to me - and he is supposed to be the one who says he LOVES me??" I began to feel ugly, stupid, worthless, because I eventually began to believe him.

 

If someone truly loves you, they won't hurt you - even if there is something they feel that they NEED to tell you, they will find a way to do so that doesn't hurt your feelings. And as far as you not looking like a rail-thin model (according to him), curvy is in! Be proud of your body - what he is complaining about, a lot of men would admire! You are obviously very pretty, if you notice guys checking you out...and smart, too- with a very good future ahead of you. In his eyes, you are probably the "total package", and he knows damned well that he'll never find someone like you if you were to leave him. So his negative comments serve, in his eyes, to make you feel as if you are lucky to have him. But the motive doesn't justify the action - it is verbal abuse!

 

Get out before he gets to you - don't believe a word he says! I finally got out of my relationship with a guy like this, and it took me a long time to even date again. But I have found someone who is absolutely, breathtakingly gorgeous, and he doesn't feel the need to put me down... I can honestly tell you that I forgot how good it feels for someone to tell you only sincere, nice things that come from the heart - and it makes me wonder why I never told the last one to hit the road the first time he made a negative comment!

[faux]

I don't want to be reminded once a week that I'll never be a bikini model or a fashion model. I don't care, I never said I wanted to be one, and I don't have any desire to be one deep down.

 

The more he says it, the more I just want to lash out and say that he isn't the most attractive guy in the world himself. The more he says this, the more I feel this way about him. He's said before he thinks he's ugly -- I don't find him ugly -- and I wish he'd stop stepping on me about my looks. And then when I tell him to stop with his negativity, he'll say something like, "But I think you're gorgeous." I hate it because I feel like it belittles my accomplishments and the efforts I put into taking care of myself...that it boils down to whether or not I could be a bikini model.

 

It seems as though his comments do bother you, and that perhaps it somehow bothers you that you could never be a bikini model or a fashion model. It appears that, perhaps because of your boyfriend's actions, you have been looking for signs that other people view you as an attractive person. I believe you mentioned eye games on the bus, and other instances in which you seem to actively seek out attention.

 

As for the cellular phone incident, it usually is not productive to answer phone calls that have caller ID blocked.

 

If your boyfriend is constantly saying negative things to you, maybe you should think about getting out of the relationship.