Situation with ex Girlfriend

[groundbreaker]

So me and my ex have been broken up since Sept (were together for 5 years). She started "dating" a guy after 6 weeks of us breaking up. (She met him then). I found that out in Dec and from that day I went NC and started making changes for myself to move on. I found motivation for my NC from the things she told me. Like she has slept with him after only hanging out 2 times, and that he was in jail for a 3rd DUI and Illegal substances. (She struggles with addiction issues herself)

 

3 weeks ago I was calling her mother to go get lunch. (we're very close and we don't talk about her.) She picked up the phone. I was stunned and didn't even know what to say when I heard her voice. She immediately started apologizing for the way she treated me after the breakup and during the relationship. She starts telling me about her going to AA and a therapist. I'm still some what shocked and ask if she wants to talk and she said she needed to go the dentist and she would calltext or I could calltext her later. (she was kinda not ready herself to answer that.) I also told her she could stop by the house to see her dog and she said she would cry if she did.

 

We end up talking a couple times since then, she explains a little bit about her "bf" even though they never slept together (she was trying to hurt me by saying that. I do believe her that she didn't) He's a junky, and pretty can't do anything. She doesn't seem all the "happy", but not all the unhappy either. She just seemed confused.

 

The conversations are short and I still don't get the closer I was looking for. I realize I still have feelings for her. She keeps saying she'll call me so we can talk, but she doesn't want to hurt me. For two weeks we play a little cat and mouse. I text her to see if she'd like to talk she doesn't respond. I call and she answers.

 

So two days ago I getting frustrated of the back and forth so I call her. Tell her I just want to talk so I can move on. She's still some what wishy washy, but soon as I say I don't mind being single, I don't want to be in a relationship, but I do want you she switched her tune and said she would come over to my house the next day. Basically it was left at that.

 

I fully figured she was going to back out and not show up at my house. To my surprise she texts me asking if she could come over a hour early. I said that's fine.

 

Mind you in these past months I've lost 30lbs, working out everyday, got a promotion at work, going places and doing things, so my confidence level is pretty high, but I'm still nervous.

 

She ends up evening showing up a few minutes early on top of asking if she could come over early. Either way she walks in the house and the first thing she does is say "You look good. Like REALLY good." I thank her and all of the sudden I'm no longer nervous. She walks around the house "scoping" things out notices I've been doing renovations to the house. Asks if she left cloths and I said yes, she asked what i did with them I jokingly said i threw them out. Then told her I still have them.

 

So at first it's kinda medium tension since it's been 6 months since we've seen each other. I ask her if she's going to be hungry cause i was making dinner. She said she was "ok". After I started prepping dinner she asked what i was making, we discussed and she started to warm up. I asked her to check the quality of the avocados I had and she said they weren't ripe. ( I knew that). I asked her if she wanted to come with me to the grocery to grab one for dinner and she said sure. As we were driving she makes the comment of this is "weird" I said yeah kinda. I asked her why she thought it was weird, she responds with "I have boyfriend, but I'm here with you and it doesn't seem like we've been split up". We chat about a few things about the situation nothing defining.

 

We return to the house and she asks if I want her to make the guacamole and I said please and thanked her. (very natural interaction between us)

All this time she's stunned about things I've changed in my life style and at the same time kinda bummed because they were things I didn't do while we were together.

 

We sit down for dinner and ask if she wants to watch a movie she says yes without hesitation. She sits down and basically makes room for me to sit next to her. I almost did, but mid way I stopped and sat at the end of the table. I felt I needed to keep some boundaries for now. She heavily compliments how good it was smelling while cooking and how good it tasted as she ate.

 

Oddly I had a hard time trying to find a moment to "talk" since I was enjoying this time.

 

As the movie was coming to a close I figured I guess I should say something. So we start talking about things. We talk about why we broke up, what I felt was wrong what she felt was wrong. Then it came to what she wanted to do about us and about him.

 

Him = She doesn't know him, but when he gets out of jail before rehab she going to see him. She doesn't know if she wants to be with him. Because she doesn't know him. She's in the relationship because he told her she's an inspiration to him getting help and she likes the idea if a heroine addict can recover so can she. They can go to AA together. (Even though I would go with her if she truly wanted to get better. She's already going on her own.)

 

Me = She loves me and thinks I deserve better, but wants to be friends. Doesn't understand why I would want to be with her after what she has done and is doing. Can't say she doesn't love me.

 

Herself = Kinda wants to be with nobody but obviously conflicted. Says she needs time to think and figure things out.

 

I told her I don't want to be strung along. She doesn't want me to hate her I told I don't know how I'll feel if she decides to be with him.

 

So we really didn't come to any conclusions and stood at the doorway saying our goodbyes and she's like well I guess we'll be talking soon. I said how does that work. She said it's a mutual communication. She then walks up to me and wants a hug. We have a brief hug and she leaves.

 

 

My questions to all of you.

 

Should I just drop it and go no contact again?

Should I pursue her in a friendly way to show her what a friendship is like with me again?

Or any thoughts at all?

 

I don't want to lose her but, if she chooses to be with somebody else I'm done.

 

Thanks

[quattrob]

I think friendship is not the way to go.. you obviously don't want to be her friend when you have feelings for her. Like you said if she choose him or another guy you're gone. The fact that she is choosing/waiting for this other guy should make you forget about her. She doesn't want to be with you.

 

 

You don't need to think for excuses to make you continue to hold on to your false hope that she'll come back. I'd just let her know that you can't be her friend at least not now since you're not over her and hope that she understands.

 

 

Going NC will help you get over her and give her some room to figure things out. With you in the picture there's no way you can heal and for her to straighten her side out.

[Ruby65]

Me = She loves me and thinks I deserve better, but wants to be friends. Doesn't understand why I would want to be with her after what she has done and is doing. Can't say she doesn't love me.

 

She loves you as a person, as a friend. Her feelings for you are platonic, not romantic.

 

She thinks you deserve better from a girlfriend.... because you DO. You deserve someone who's *in love* with you, who isn't using you as a safety net, who doesn't leave you for someone else.

 

You shouldn't be in contact with her and you shouldn't be in contact with her mother, either. This isn't helping you to move on and it isn't letting her see what it's like not having you around as a Plan B.

[groundbreaker]

I think friendship is not the way to go.. you obviously don't want to be her friend when you have feelings for her. Like you said if she choose him or another guy you're gone. The fact that she is choosing/waiting for this other guy should make you forget about her. She doesn't want to be with you.

First part of this I agree.

 

Saying she doesn't want to be with me is somewhere in the middle. I don't think she would have come over if she didn't want to be with me in some capacity, but the reality check is still there though.

 

You don't need to think for excuses to make you continue to hold on to your false hope that she'll come back. I'd just let her know that you can't be her friend at least not now since you're not over her and hope that she understands.

 

True, I just don't think I will go out of my way to tell her that.

 

Going NC will help you get over her and give her some room to figure things out. With you in the picture there's no way you can heal and for her to straighten her side out.

 

Makes me wonder if I'll need to prepare myself for a phone call.

[groundbreaker]

She loves you as a person, as a friend. Her feelings for you are platonic, not romantic.

 

She thinks you deserve better from a girlfriend.... because you DO. You deserve someone who's *in love* with you, who isn't using you as a safety net, who doesn't leave you for someone else.

 

You shouldn't be in contact with her and you shouldn't be in contact with her mother, either. This isn't helping you to move on and it isn't letting her see what it's like not having you around as a Plan B.

 

Part of the issue is she talked about how she didn't know how to tell him she didn't want to be with him. She feels a connection with him because they both struggle with addiction. She doesn't even know what he is to her. She talks more about being alone then being with anyone. I told her at one point don't be with him and she's like how do I that with him. I said the same way you did with me. She didn't deny that.

 

Her mother has actually made me moving on the past 5 months better for me. I don't see or talk to her mom and think of my ex.

 

When I said it's Fk'd up how she would be with somebody else over me. She says I'm not "with him" and I mention but you want to be. With a response I don't know what I want I'm confused.

[quattrob]

First part of this I agree.

 

Saying she doesn't want to be with me is somewhere in the middle. I don't think she would have come over if she didn't want to be with me in some capacity, but the reality check is still there though.

 

 

 

True, I just don't think I will go out of my way to tell her that.

 

 

 

Makes me wonder if I'll need to prepare myself for a phone call.

 

 

If she wanted to be with you then she wouldn't tell you she doesn't want a relationship and then choose this other guy and to wait for him putting you as a backup plan. She is a girl that doesn't know what she wants and she can't control herself from hurting others. She is using you and she doesn't even know it herself. You can believe that she isn't but the fact is she's just being selfish because you allow her to be that way.

[Ruby65]

Part of the issue is she talked about how she didn't know how to tell him she didn't want to be with him. She feels a connection with him because they both struggle with addiction. She doesn't even know what he is to her. She talks more about being alone then being with anyone. I told her at one point don't be with him and she's like how do I that with him. I said the same way you did with me. She didn't deny that.

 

Her mother has actually made me moving on the past 5 months better for me. I don't see or talk to her mom and think of my ex.

 

When I said it's Fk'd up how she would be with somebody else over me. She says I'm not "with him" and I mention but you want to be. With a response I don't know what I want I'm confused.

 

She's using you as a safety net, to keep herself from feeling lonely or scared about the breakup.

 

Her amazing new junkie boyfriend is in jail? I'm guessing movie nights will be over when he's out.

 

And NO, hanging out with your ex-girlfriend's mother might feel good, but it's NOT helping you to heal or move on. It's only keeping you in her life.

 

Here's a guide that will help you: http://www.breakuprecoveryguide.com

[kendahke]

this is waaaaay too messy.

 

She needs to dump the junky. She also needs to get out from under substance abuse.

 

Yes, you need to go full bore on the NC. Unless she is saying to you "Groundbreaker, I made a huge mistake. I should never have left you. I'm sorry for doing all this and making this mess. I want to be with you. I've broken up with the junky and want nothing more to do with him", then as the saying goes "there is no there there". She's got nothing for you except manipulations based on memories.

 

She messed up and lost a good thing. Doesn't mean she deserves to string you along until she figures out her mess.

 

Move on. At this point in time, you want be her man, have sex with her and all the other things a relationship brings. She's telling you that this person she barely knows has more importance in her life than you do, but you can be her friend? You don't want to be her friend. You want to be her man.

 

You are going to be the one who ends up hurt if you don't leave her alone.

Edited March 4, 2015 by kendahke

[groundbreaker]

She's using you as a safety net, to keep herself from feeling lonely or scared about the breakup.

 

Her amazing new junkie boyfriend is in jail? I'm guessing movie nights will be over when he's out.

 

And NO, hanging out with your ex-girlfriend's mother might feel good, but it's NOT helping you to heal or move on. It's only keeping you in her life.

 

Here's a guide that will help you: http://www.breakuprecoveryguide.com

 

She knows he's not amazing.

 

She started talking to him while she was abusing and that's why she's trying to figure out what to do. She left also left me while abusing.

 

The thing with therapy and AA they tell you not to be in a relationship for about a year why you work on yourself, but to have healthy friendships.

 

I'll no contact and wait to see if she has the right thing to say to me if she does.

[groundbreaker]

this is waaaaay too messy.

 

She needs to dump the junky. She also needs to get out from under substance abuse.

 

Yes, you need to go full bore on the NC. Unless she is saying to you "Groundbreaker, I made a huge mistake. I should never have left you. I'm sorry for doing all this and making this mess. I want to be with you. I've broken up with the junky and want nothing more to do with him", then as the saying goes "there is no there there". She's got nothing for you except manipulations based on memories.

 

She messed up and lost a good thing. Doesn't mean she deserves to string you along until she figures out her mess.

 

Move on. At this point in time, you want be her man, have sex with her and all the other things a relationship brings. She's telling you that this person she barely knows has more importance in her life than you do, but you can be her friend? You don't want to be her friend. You want to be her man.

 

You are going to be the one who ends up hurt if you don't leave her alone.

 

This rings true. I need to hear those words.

[Lion Heart]

Part of the issue is she talked about how she didn't know how to tell him she didn't want to be with him. She feels a connection with him because they both struggle with addiction. She doesn't even know what he is to her. She talks more about being alone then being with anyone. I told her at one point don't be with him and she's like how do I that with him. I said the same way you did with me. She didn't deny that.

 

Her mother has actually made me moving on the past 5 months better for me. I don't see or talk to her mom and think of my ex.

 

When I said it's Fk'd up how she would be with somebody else over me. She says I'm not "with him" and I mention but you want to be. With a response I don't know what I want I'm confused.

 

Hi ground breaker

 

Let me be a mirror, if you will, and have an honest opinion on your situation.

 

A few things stuck out big time.

You were with her for 5 years and she's struggled with addiction then, now... what about YOUR future? Gosh have you considered starting a family with her in the past? If I were you, I'd do an internet search of affects of "specific addiction" on the unborn child, baby, child and adult she'd have if she could not remain abstinent. It's EXTREMELY sad. It's my field of work for 30 years and I still felt sick this week over this in my work.

If that alone doesn't make you stop contact, you mustn't want children?

 

That was my biggest concern reading your thread.

 

GB you sound like an incredible catch. Caring to the point of risk to yourself. Do you think you've been in the position of "support person" to your ex and / or "rescuer" and / or "enabler"? I don't know anything about your relationship really so have a think....

 

what leads me to think yes on at least 1 of those points is that NOW your ex may feel some power with her "new bf" (and the fact he's in jail should make you question her ability to make any good decisions EVER in her life!!!) But this new guy is virtually putting HER in the position of rescuer. Crikeys! I think she likes this.

 

It's VERY OBVIOUS from her telling you, how could she hurt him? When she's sitting there with YOU who shared MUCH more than AA meetings and a jailbird relationship!

This resoundingly says SHE ONLY SEES AND WANTS YOU AS A FRIEND!!!

 

Lastly, if you were truly doing the 180 in the first place,

a) you WOULD NOT be seeing her mother. I KNOW it's not fair! Breaking up is hardly ever "fair" on both parties. Would you honestly even KNOW this woman and be friends with her, had you never met your ex?

Sorry man, the relationship with her mother is just collateral damage. Like most things her daughter does. This woman is not your mother. I'd divert all extra energy you have for a mother / son relationship into any other of YOUR family members or even a neighbour if it's fulfilling a need. No offense intended whatsoever, we all need relationships. It's what makes us human.

 

b) the 180 requires you to change your numbers so ex has to try REAL HARD to contact you. You accidentally spoke to her. This is nowhere on earth nearly the same as EFFORT she would have to expend on finding you. Change your numbers.

 

I guess from what I've read of your thread I conclude:

1) she only wants to lean on you. Have you as a friend. Do you want that? Could you handle knowing all about the train wreck you predict her life to be? Or is it only me seeing that?

2) if you want to recover and ACTUALLY let her go, so that you can meet a woman who matches your character, you need to do the 180.

3) the 180 requires ALOT of really hard work (when it's the last thing we want to do) you've had huge weight losses and altered your lifestyle. Well done. NOW DATE!!! or at the VERY LEAST join in more social circles. Expand them real wide. Throw your net out there. But I'm predicting you'd be a chick magnet once you make an honest decision to let her go. You need to do this for yourself. Someone SO NICE is waiting to meet you and have a beautiful life with you. Think of HER and get out there.

 

All the best

Lion Heart.

Edited March 5, 2015 by Lion Heart

[groundbreaker]

Hi ground breaker

 

Let me be a mirror, if you will, and have an honest opinion on your situation.

 

A few things stuck out big time.

You were with her for 5 years and she's struggled with addiction then, now... what about YOUR future? Gosh have you considered starting a family with her in the past? If I were you, I'd do an internet search of affects of "specific addiction" on the unborn child, baby, child and adult she'd have if she could not remain abstinent. It's EXTREMELY sad. It's my field of work for 30 years and I still felt sick this week over this in my work.

If that alone doesn't make you stop contact, you mustn't want children?

 

That was my biggest concern reading your thread.

 

Children were not something we wanted and was talked about a lot in our relationship. I'm 34 and she's 31.

 

GB you sound like an incredible catch. Caring to the point of risk to yourself. Do you think you've been in the position of "support person" to your ex and / or "rescuer" and / or "enabler"? I don't know anything about your relationship really so have a think....

 

what leads me to think yes on at least 1 of those points is that NOW your ex may feel some power with her "new bf" (and the fact he's in jail should make you question her ability to make any good decisions EVER in her life!!!) But this new guy is virtually putting HER in the position of rescuer. Crikeys! I think she likes this.

 

Not to sound conceded or anything but, I'm a good looking guy, smart, successful, funny, and intelligent, motivated, and drama free.

 

I've spent a lot of time reflecting since that evening. I was probably the support / enabler at one point. The things why she "likes" him are obviously because he's "depending" on her and she's hook line and sinker. BUT! She also looks like she's questioning her motives to be with him. She did make one good decision and it was to be with me at one point. Then a lot of bad ones along the way. She's going to be the provider. I mean she dogged on how ****ty his life is going to be when he gets out and she feels "sorry" for him because nobody understands what its like to recover. Which is bull****. I've gone through it myself and with family members. Addictions being a substance or something else are still hard to overcome regardless of what it was.

 

 

It's VERY OBVIOUS from her telling you, how could she hurt him? When she's sitting there with YOU who shared MUCH more than AA meetings and a jailbird relationship!

This resoundingly says SHE ONLY SEES AND WANTS YOU AS A FRIEND!!!

 

That's what pisses me off and sad at the same time. Even how much she doesn't know him and and isn't "attractive" or in a good place in his life she wants to "see him" but doesn't know if she wants to be with him is pretty Fd up.

 

Lastly, if you were truly doing the 180 in the first place,

a) you WOULD NOT be seeing her mother. I KNOW it's not fair! Breaking up is hardly ever "fair" on both parties. Would you honestly even KNOW this woman and be friends with her, had you never met your ex?

Sorry man, the relationship with her mother is just collateral damage. Like most things her daughter does. This woman is not your mother. I'd divert all extra energy you have for a mother / son relationship into any other of YOUR family members or even a neighbor if it's fulfilling a need. No offense intended whatsoever, we all need relationships. It's what makes us human.

 

No offense taken. I guess it bothers me that she can ruin so much for me and not shed true empathy or remorse.

 

b) the 180 requires you to change your numbers so ex has to try REAL HARD to contact you. You accidentally spoke to her. This is nowhere on earth nearly the same as EFFORT she would have to expend on finding you. Change your numbers.

 

The thing is I'm the one that continued contact after the she picked up the phone. All the reasons I had to not talk to her anymore were kinda blown out the window when she apologized out of the blue. I needed to find some closure. I still don't know if I have the closure, but now it's becoming anger again the more and more I think about it. I'm normally a level headed calm person but this is so infuriating.

 

I guess from what I've read of your thread I conclude:

1) she only wants to lean on you. Have you as a friend. Do you want that? Could you handle knowing all about the train wreck you predict her life to be? Or is it only me seeing that?

2) if you want to recover and ACTUALLY let her go, so that you can meet a woman who matches your character, you need to do the 180.

3) the 180 requires ALOT of really hard work (when it's the last thing we want to do) you've had huge weight losses and altered your lifestyle. Well done. NOW DATE!!! or at the VERY LEAST join in more social circles. Expand them real wide. Throw your net out there. But I'm predicting you'd be a chick magnet once you make an honest decision to let her go. You need to do this for yourself. Someone SO NICE is waiting to meet you and have a beautiful life with you. Think of HER and get out there.

 

All the best

Lion Heart.

 

1. I wish she wanted to lean on me, but on a fresh start between me and her. She left me house with it being so open ended. That was my fault. I didn't force a resolution. I don't even know if she will even contact me again.

 

2. I want to let her go if it's truly over. If she seriously just needs to figure out how she feels about me and herself (I wasn't perfect, but damn close) and she doesn't want to be with him. Like I said she keeps talking about being with nobody so she can learn about herself.

 

3. You're probably correct.

[groundbreaker]

So I haven't heard from her since that day a week ago. She plans on seeing this guy on Friday when he gets out.

 

I'm in multiple moods.

 

I had gone to her parents to give them a new PC because I didn't get to do it before because of the breakup.

 

I also returned her clothes she left at my house.

 

Didn't get a thank you for the cloths or the PC for her parents.

 

But my FB shows her stalking my page. (I haven't posted in a couple weeks)

 

For some reason I have this counter in my head til Friday and I know I shouldn't.

 

Like she said when she left my house. Nothing got resolved. I kinda feel that way, but part of me thinks it did with how ****ty it was to be told the things she said and then never follow up on it.

 

Can people just not make good decisions and still love somebody?

[irishguy]

It just sounds like she is keeping you around incase it falls through with him , do yourself a favour and block everything now , you will only hurt yourself more when you see them together and im sure she will start posting bs about been so happy .

[groundbreaker]

It just sounds like she is keeping you around incase it falls through with him , do yourself a favour and block everything now , you will only hurt yourself more when you see them together and im sure she will start posting bs about been so happy .

 

Even if she was "keeping me around" she sure hasn't shown any breadcrumbs.

 

Well to add to this. She never got into FB. She only got one to keep tabs on me after the breakup. She has 0 friends and it's just her name. Don't know why she didn't just use a fake name.