Can affair partner change their mind on the relationship after a break

[alainbig]

Hi everyone,

 

I have an affair with a MW for the last 4 months. She told me from the start that she wouldn't leave her boyfriend because of her 3 kids.

 

Today we had a big discussion on where we are going. She as a tons of problem with her relationship at home, so I basically told her that if she wasn't going to chage her mind, that we should stop as I don't want to be the done to break her family if she doesn't want to break it. So it isn't confirmed yet, but this is most likely where we will be going (so we will stop, and it really pains me as I deeply love her, I do this because I think its the best for her).

 

However after our talk, she told me she doesn't think her relationship could ever be saved, she just endure the roller coaster because of the kids. We also told each other I love you for the first (and maybe last) time. I respect her decision, but I have a hard time seeing why she stays if its always this bad at home and if she does indeed love me.

 

Do you think she could realize what she will miss after some time if we stop seing each other?

 

Thanks

[Ronnie33]

I am a MW and when I started having my affair my AP was in a new relationship with a woman but was in love with me. My marriage had been a mess for awhile and a year before my affair started I had separated from my husband for a few months and went back because my son seemed so upset. That being said I did love my AP and I know if I would have left my husband we would have tried to be together but I still didn't leave my husband. I couldn't do it at the time. I was scared and ashamed and even though my marriage was broken and I loved someone else I still wasn't ready to pack it all up, change my sons life and leave.

My AP and I didn't speak for two months once because we were trying to move on but it never lasted long. Now a year and a half later and he is living with that same girl and probably going to marry her and I am just separating. So after all that and we still aren't going to be together. My point of this is that she probably does love you but that doesn't outweigh three kids, a house, and a life with someone.

 

Move on or you will be here a year from now and it will be so much harder.

[badpenny]

Hi everyone,

 

I have an affair with a MW for the last 4 months. She told me from the start that she wouldn't leave her boyfriend because of her 3 kids.

So, hang on.... is she married to this guy or just living with him....?

 

 

Because being married to him, poses some problems, but if they're NOT married, this is her choice.... to stay with him....

 

Thinking about it, I'm wondering whether you're living in France (your name is French) because I lived in France for a while an I know that family set-ups are somewhat different to those elsewhere... the French have different familial ties and tendencies, which casts a different light on these matters, both practically and legally....

[DKT3]

As Ronnie has shown she is very unlikely to change her mind.

 

She may love you (or thinks she does) but its far more complicated then that. To be honest she is likely comfortable with this situation, having you on the side and still having her marriage and family life.

 

You would be best served to move on without her. Even if she were to leave it wouldn't be a clean break and she would likely be conflicted about leaving her husband.

 

Many MW won't face the truth of their situation and that is her affair created issues in the marriage. So often they rewrite the marriage and convince themselves they have been living with the devil.

 

In some cases the AP (you) are simply a way out of the marriage. Once she out your usefulness runs out and so will she.

 

Keep it simple, find a single woman. Relationships are hard enough of equal footing. This relationship is a case of a woman torn between two men. Trust her actions, not her words.

[alainbig]

Thanks for the reply.

 

I really don't think I am the reason behind the problem in her relationship and it as been bad for the past 5+ years. We have known each other for 4-5 years but we never did anything before this year. When her issue started and did even knew her.

 

She doesn't even know why she isn't leaving, but one thing is certain she isn't confortable in the situation.

[Ronnie33]

I was unhappy in my marriage for years before I met AP and only had one child and still stayed. She has 3 kids so unless he is abusive she's not leaving anytime soon. You are her escape right now and as much as she dreams about a future wth you, starting over with 3 kids is scary and she's not ready to take that risk right now

[dubliner]

If you are not happy with the situation you are in, being the other man, then you owe it to yourself to end this and move on with your life.

Her life is not for you to fix, nor should you be enabling her to stay/leave. These are her choices and ones she needs to take by herself. Staying around to bandaid her broken home life will only allow her to avoid confronting the issues within her relationship with her boyfriend and over time you will become more and more discontent with being used as a supliment.

It takes a lot to leave a relationship when there are children involved, you try and repair, you try again, and when you finally reach your breaking point it becomes a certainty rather than a possibility and you actively move towards it. It sounds like she is some way from this and instead of taking the mature honest approach to her issues she is hiding from them with a comforter (you).

Move on and save yourself from the humiliating self destruction that comes with being another persons back up plan/maybe

[Mabelblue]

 

I had posted this last year. This will help explain things.

 

One of the biggest questions I see on here is; Will my MOM leave his family for me? Well, I'm here to tell you in 99% of the cases no. Even if they are unhappy they won't do it. Most men hate change. So, I've decided to show you our playbook and why.

 

Let's look at the average cad.

 

Happy marriage, great job, wonderful kids, financially secure. Gets bored, wife is giving it to him once every week or 10 days. Sex is good, wants more excitement. Approaching or in middle age. That's late 30's-50's.

 

Beautiful woman he's known for 10 years or new woman he met at work or on the road in unhappy marriage starts paying attention to him. You're friends, talk about each others' lives, talk about each others' marriages. She's unhappy/dissatisfied. She tells you about it, you start drawing parallels in your marriage. One day, you have phone sex, knowing it's wrong, but it's intoxicating. Next thing you physically cross the line.

 

The sex is amazing because you've been with the same woman for 10+ years. You feel like soulmates. You get drawn closer and closer. You feel grateful that at 40 you have experienced real and true love.

 

You get caught. She's leaving hubby. You refuse to live without her. You think about leaving wife and blowing the family up. Then you take a look at things in your darkest hour from a logical standpoint. Usually at 3:46 in the AM when you have to pee because that bladder ain't what it used to be.

 

1. You'll be moving out and most likely the accommodations and comforts will be lacking.

2. You'll be broke. Constantly worrying about money, earning money.

3. Your wife will be disgusted with you. You've blindsided and hurt her and will seek revenge in court.

4. Your kids will resent you for abandoning them. They will have commitment issues, emotional issues and not being able to understand why their world is shattering around them.

5. AP will have the same issues. You will have fights and tension and trust issues on whether you'll both follow through

6. Her kids will hate you. Your kids will hate her. Not the Brady Bunch as you imagined

7. You will feel incredibly guilty and realize the grass isn't greener once reality kicks in. Your AP who you think was made by heaven especially for you, is not perfect. Maybe a drama queen, a slob, terrible with money can't cook or other character issues that haven't yet risen to the surface. You've only seen them on their best behavior. Yes, my dearies, men think about the cooking and cleaning. We are knuckle dragging cro-magnons at heart

8. Your family and friends will choose sides, and you'll be surprised that they are hostile toward you and think you're stupid and don't appreciate or understand how happy you are. You will resent them.

9. The devil you know looks a lot more appealing all of a sudden and being a man is realizing it's not about you and stop being so selfish.

10. It's an ego stroke and a rush of dopamine. It's not love. There are no soulmates.

11. You read that EA's have less than a 1% chance of evolving into a long term relationship. That over 60% of 2nd marriages fail and 75% of 3rd marriages fail. But your situation is different!

12. You read Love Shack and realize, it's all the same.

13. You beg your wife to take you back and appreciate her.

 

So OW's, my advice is to read this. It's all the same story over and over. Different characters, different issues, but this is the cheating male's blueprint on why he stays.

 

This is a post from a different thread but it has resonated with me since I read it. I know it's from a male point of view but it kind of sums up how A work generally. It's certainly did with mine. Just read it and take from it what you will.

[Dark Passenger]

I think it's pretty simple.

 

Men stay because:

 

1) kids

2) finances

3) will they be able to trust a person they met through an affair?

 

Men have affairs:

 

Too may reasons to list, unfortunately. Maybe we should think of the above before we start one. Maybe we would if we lived with integrity and that would be the reason why we never stray in the first place.

 

During my NC, I want to gain the clarity in my life and live with integrity from now on. It's not too late...no matter whom I end up with.

[snl]

Here is my advise: stay away ... please read carefully. Don't trust a MW that tells you she is unhappy and all this Nonsense. They are unhappy ok but why are they still in the relationship ??? if you keep seeing her you will fill a need for compassion but take away another action:of leaving....to save you from disappointment and huge pain . Let go. Let her sort out her life. Get divorced. Grief and then contact you approx 6-12 months after divorce. If you are still available then you could try (not sure if I could still advise even then because of other doubts you might have about her loyalty level then). I don't want to sound harsh or rude. I genuinely care about hopefully you not going through what I or many other wento through. this is your journey. I wish you all the best but don't forgeT that she needs you now for passion. If she breaks up she might then emotionally Go through rolercaster feelings and you might not have a space in her life then. And the passion might fade. wishing you all best from bottom of my heart

[jbp005]

Just read my previous posts, it does not end well...

[Darren Steez]

She's not really a MW is she? More like a WGF.

 

Three kids and they still are not married? A bit of a red flag but then again some people like to cohabitate.

 

Thing is she keeps having kids with someone she doesn't like much? Red flag.

 

Waffle about bad family life and un-savable relationship, yet probably goes home and everything is normal and fine according to her BF.

 

This screams of someone wanted to escape her home life and has invested in this fantasy. I'm guessing she's a stay at home mom? Doesn't work? So there's probably no chance she's going to leave, take three kids and move into your place so you can support them all. So that's the reality..unless I'm off base about her employment situation.

 

Go and invest your time in someone who's not emotionally damaged and possibly manipulative. Lest you want the BF to find out and actually tell you the truth about the state of their relationship..to which end she'll probably promptly throw you under the bus.

[preraph]

No one should "stay for the kids." Kids would rather have two calm homes than one fighting chaotic one. So her logic that it's for the kids is just wrong thinking. But she doesn't want to leave him, so....that's how it usually goes with that stuff.

[Dark Passenger]

Not all married couples headed for divorce are fighting all the time and creating a chaotic home.

[alainbig]

She's not really a MW is she? More like a WGF.

 

Three kids and they still are not married? A bit of a red flag but then again some people like to cohabitate.

 

Thing is she keeps having kids with someone she doesn't like much? Red flag.

 

Waffle about bad family life and un-savable relationship, yet probably goes home and everything is normal and fine according to her BF.

 

This screams of someone wanted to escape her home life and has invested in this fantasy. I'm guessing she's a stay at home mom? Doesn't work? So there's probably no chance she's going to leave, take three kids and move into your place so you can support them all. So that's the reality..unless I'm off base about her employment situation.

 

Go and invest your time in someone who's not emotionally damaged and possibly manipulative. Lest you want the BF to find out and actually tell you the truth about the state of their relationship..to which end she'll probably promptly throw you under the bus.

 

Here having kids and not getting married is pretty common, but the kids are all above 10, the relationship as gone worse over the years.

 

She aint a stay at home, she as all she need to support her kids on her own (even bought a house back then when she was thinking of moving out, she still as it, but rents it).

 

Not everything is ok according to her BF trust me. She as period when she goes to her parents for a certain period every years these past 5 years...

 

In theory, staying for the kids is indeed probably a bad reason, but go and tell that to a mother...not easy.

 

And yes i should probably date someone else, but when you love someone, it is kind of hard to let go.

[loveboid]

To answer your opening question, married people are generally skittish to leave and your detaching from her might make her look less favorably at you as a long term partner, marital or otherwise.

 

At the very least, it would make it more difficult to keep up the fantasy unless you two got back together because you couldn't bear to be apart. You'd be fulfilling her fantasy then and often that is all a married person wants.

[Popsicle]

Hi everyone,

 

I have an affair with a MW for the last 4 months. She told me from the start that she wouldn't leave her boyfriend because of her 3 kids.

 

Today we had a big discussion on where we are going. She as a tons of problem with her relationship at home, so I basically told her that if she wasn't going to chage her mind, that we should stop as I don't want to be the done to break her family if she doesn't want to break it. So it isn't confirmed yet, but this is most likely where we will be going (so we will stop, and it really pains me as I deeply love her, I do this because I think its the best for her).

 

However after our talk, she told me she doesn't think her relationship could ever be saved, she just endure the roller coaster because of the kids. We also told each other I love you for the first (and maybe last) time. I respect her decision, but I have a hard time seeing why she stays if its always this bad at home and if she does indeed love me.

 

Do you think she could realize what she will miss after some time if we stop seing each other?

 

Thanks

 

No, I don't. Will she miss you terribly? Hell yes! Will her M improve? Most likely not, but she still isn't leaving. You have to just accept this.

[Popsicle]

To answer your opening question, married people are generally skittish to leave and your detaching from her might make her look less favorably at you as a long term partner, marital or otherwise.

 

At the very least, it would make it more difficult to keep up the fantasy unless you two got back together because you couldn't bear to be apart. You'd be fulfilling her fantasy then and often that is all a married person wants.

 

Exactly.

 

Popsicle