For Dark Passenger

[Gloria_Smellons]

Hi there,

 

I noticed on one of the other threads you were asking me to expand on a comment I made about how I believe closure is BS. I will try to explain as best I can.

 

When people say 'I want closure from person X', I think what they really mean is 'I want answers/explanations'. They want to understand the hows and whys.

 

I will use myself as an example. I am a single woman involved with a MM. I know that I will have to end this relationship in the not too distant future.

 

In this kind of situation some people may want a conversation with the married person because they feel it will provide them closure. I disagree. Think about it, what can the married person possibly say here that will make the situation any easier, and leave me walking away feeling like I have all the explanations I want for how and why we did the things we did?

 

If I were to ask him 'why me?' there are only a few answers he can really give. None of which would make me feel better.

 

1) You were willing.

Well gee, that wouldn't exactly leave me to stride into the sunset with what little remaining pride I have left would it.

 

2) I am a very selfish person and cared more about my own pleasure than anything else.

Implying that again, it made no difference who I am, it's all about him. I could've been anyone. See above.

 

3) I genuinely have positive feelings for you so I couldn't help myself.

So you like me, but not enough to do anything about it. This would suggest that whatever your current situation is, for whatever reasons you prefer it to me. It's a flat out choice and you won't choose me. The implication here is that it's me that isn't good enough in some way, that it's my failing.

 

4) I did it because I want to leave my partner and be with you.

The most unlikely response in my case, but for sake of completeness I've put it in here. Even if he said that, how could I possibly believe him. The only thing I know with absolute certainty about MM is that he is a liar.

 

5) I don't know, I'm sorry.

You might be sorry that I'm ending it because you don't have your toy anymore, but you're not sorry that it happened or you would've ended it yourself or never started it in the first place. Sorry is just yet another word thrown around too often without any real meaning behind it. Words are so easy to say when you don't have to back them up with any actual actions.

 

So, whatever MM would say to me, how am I any better off?

 

At worst I would feel cheap and used, at best I feel like he's telling me what I want to hear just to keep me hanging on. How are any of those options closure? They aren't.

 

Anything he did say would likely only lead to more questions and confusion from my side. There is no explanation or answer he could give me that would leave me satisfied, that would leave me thinking 'oh right... Now I get why I acted like a dick, I'll be sure not to do that again. Problem solved.'

 

The closure comes from me realising that it doesn't matter what his reasons are for doing what he did. The closure comes from me accepting that regardless of the circumstances, I put MYSELF into a ****ty situation and I have the power to change it. The closure comes from looking at myself and my behaviour and deciding to do things differently. The closure comes from me deciding what is best for me, and then acting on it.

 

No one can do any of that stuff for me, but me.

 

I hope this helps.

Edited March 4, 2015 by Gloria_Smellons

[Josmatjes]

I couldn't agree more!

[Rainbowlove]

Closure for me has been about acceptance.

 

Accepting certain things about myself.

 

Accepting things about XAP.

 

Accepting things in my marriage.

 

Accepting I can't undo anything.

 

Accepting it's time to let go.

 

You are absolutely right. Closure can only come from within.

 

Thanks for putting it out there.

[Josmatjes]

I accept I've made mistakes, hurt people.

I accept that my marriage will never be perfect, my husband will never be this prince charming guy and I realize that is okay! What I do have with him is real, not based on a lie.

I'm finally putting myself first, I'll never get closure fom xmm and that's ok. Nothing he says will make any difference!

[Quiet Storm]

I think you've come to the realization that you need to protect yourself from MM, regardless of how much you love him and are attracted to him. The good feelings aren't worth the potential pain. That's really smart and a sign of emotional maturity and self awareness. I think your post will be very helpful to OW that are struggling with the need for closure.

[Dark Passenger]

Thank you Gloria:) Very well put. The last paragraph really hit home.

 

Also, I liked how you explained that most of his reasons would just make you feel worse.

 

This was very helpful. Thanks again for sharing.

[GoldieLox]

"Closure" is a misconception. I wanted "closure" (answers) because I thought it was the only way I could move on. I went to him looking for those answers and got a whole unexpected pile of s*&t dumped on me, and am now more sad, hurt and confused then I ever was to begin with.

 

Don't look for closure, the how's and why's, from other people. Look for them from within YOURSELF and learn to accept them. Then you'll have all the closure you need.

[snl]

So true. The closure should come from within you. You don't need the AP. Many time AP doesn't give closure or gives crappie closüre comments that won't satisfy you. Hence best to pull oneself out of this messy situation and close inside. If needed write a letter to AP with all reasons why this affair is toxic. But not send it. Moving on thereafter and find someone who is emotionally available. Wishing all who suffer from affair pain strength to pull out.

[SolG]

I'm not a fan of the word 'closure'. It infers a kind of neat-and-tidy-all-wrapped-and-put-awayedness that's not really applicable to most most relationships. Let alone affairs!

 

All relationships have at least three facets/perspectives; mine, yours and ours. I think what a lot of us do is try to match the three. In some way make them common, and feel disconcerted when they're not. And the effect can be jarring to realise that what you thought and experienced--or even felt--can be different from the perspective of the person you shared so closely with.

 

I think accepting this at the end of any relationship is key. That your lived experience is yours and nobody else's. And their's is their's. And you can only ever really truly know your own. And that's ok. And if you can in at least in some way reconcile and understand and accept the differences and commonalities and the context and reasons... That's better than ok.

 

I really don't think it matters how you arrive there--via NC, self reflection, therapy, D&Ms with AP or someone close... or other or a combo--but what I see as important is that you derive your own meaning from what you've been through. Then hopefully, given time and space, your meaning may allow you to build some wisdom.

 

Oh to be wise! Maybe one day...

Edited March 5, 2015 by SolG