Son passed recently, saw his girlfriend with someone else

[Owl51]

My son was in a horrific car accident six months ago. He passed away from head and neck injuries. He was in his thirties and an up and coming doctor. He was involved with a nice girl for about five years. I know that the last two months of his life they weren't as serious as they had been, but I know he wanted to work things out. We called her when he was in the accident and she was there when he passed away. She also spoke at his funeral and we let her take some things from his apartment.

 

On Saturday night my husband and I saw her out with another man. He was kissing her and holding on to her. I felt so mad! I don't know how someone who was involved with a man as she was with our son could move on so quickly! It was not a man that I recognized, as we saw more of their friends there as well. I know I shouldn't feel this way, but I feel like our son is being forgotten and it hurts. I was positive this woman was going to be my daughter in law... I just don't know what to do.

[Josmatjes]

I am so sorry for your loss.

Maybe she is trying to move on, you don't know what she is feeling. I'm sure he is in her heart and he would want her to be happy. She isn't forgetting him, I'm sure she cried herself to sleep many nights.

I will pray for you.....

[AprilTears]

My son was in a horrific car accident six months ago. He passed away from head and neck injuries. He was in his thirties and an up and coming doctor. He was involved with a nice girl for about five years. I know that the last two months of his life they weren't as serious as they had been, but I know he wanted to work things out. We called her when he was in the accident and she was there when he passed away. She also spoke at his funeral and we let her take some things from his apartment.

 

On Saturday night my husband and I saw her out with another man. He was kissing her and holding on to her. I felt so mad! I don't know how someone who was involved with a man as she was with our son could move on so quickly! It was not a man that I recognized, as we saw more of their friends there as well. I know I shouldn't feel this way, but I feel like our son is being forgotten and it hurts. I was positive this woman was going to be my daughter in law... I just don't know what to do.

 

I am so very sorry for your loss. That is just heartbreaking.

 

As for his girlfriend, I would be willing to bet she is just filling the empty space. After 5 years there is no way she is not grieving the loss of your son. I think her actions speak to how she felt about him. Being there then speaking at his funeral. I can see how it would hurt you but I don't doubt that she isn't heartbroken and grieving over your son in her own way.

[Owl51]

His loss has been very difficult. He was our only child, and such a wonderful man. He was always giving to others and so understanding. He was just a people magnet, I've never heard anything bad about him all his life.

 

She wasn't actually going to speak at the funeral. Then she decided that she would. She gave my favorite speech at the funeral about all of the adventures they went on together and that he was her best friend.

 

We let her take some of his things, with the exception of his book of owls, I told her I wanted it to stay with us and she was very understanding of that. She took blankets, books, some of his clothes and little things around his apartment that I could let go of.

 

But to see her with someone else really stung. The whole time I watched them I couldn't help but think it should be my son holding on to her like that, and why was she letting him kiss her? To be fair, I never saw her kiss him back, but I just was hurt to see her like that this soon. I don't want him to get left behind, he was such a great man...

[badpenny]

Owl51, I'm so sorry for your loss. It must be one of the worst pains in the world, to have a child taken from you...

 

But I'm sorry, people grieve and move on in different ways and at different rates...

 

For example, one of my dearest friends passed on about 15 years ago.... and her husband found love again, around 7 months after she died. They had been married 16 years, and had 3 children... And yes, he is still with the woman he found....

 

It's not uncommon for the partners of deceased to seek and find solace in the affections of new partners. It happens.

 

I understand your indignation, but one cannot govern control or determine the emotions of others, and simply because it is an alien concept to us, we cannot expect or demand that others fall in line with how we process grief.

 

I wish you well, and you have my most sincere condolences.

[minimariah]

i am sorry for your loss, i cannot even imagine the pain you went through.

 

don't be mad at his girlfriend. just because she "moved on" - it doesn't mean that she forgot all about your son. just because she is going out and laughing, it doesn't mean that she isn't grieving. people cope with the loss like this differently & maybe this helps her move on. maybe being surrounded with friends and potential new love interest gives her strength to move on & deal with the loss.

 

your son won't be forgotten. not now, not in 60 years. he was loved and i'm sure people will keep remembering him. i think us humans in general have a very hard time coping with our mortality - so some go into this "denial" mode & they distract themselves from thinking about it with other things.

 

we all grieve and cope differently. just because someone is seemingly moving on & is happy - that doesn't mean that they don't grieve and think about their loved one who died.

 

that pain never goes away, you just learn how to live with it.

Edited March 5, 2015 by minimariah

[d0nnivain]

I too am sorry for your loss. It's always tough when a parent outlives a child. I can't even imagine.

 

 

You have to realize that just because she may be with someone else now, doesn't invalidate what she felt for your son. Her grief process is simply taking another path than yours.

 

 

Two years after I broke up with a guy, he died in a horrible tragic way. Although he & I only dated for about 2.5 years I had known the whole family since high school, 20+ years. About 6 weeks before he died I had started dating a new guy. Maybe 2 months after his death, I ran into his mom & brother while I was out with my then new BF (now husband). The mom hugged me & told me she was happy I found somebody to love. She also loudly "whispered" that if I couldn't have married her son she was glad I found a handsome guy. Although the encounter was awkward it was so nice to have her blessing. A painting that my EX did still hangs in my home. DH knows. It's a nice painting. I kept it originally after the break up because I liked it but now its more poignant.

 

 

Even as all this was going on, my mom who was a big believer in angels, swore that God & my EX had a hand in sending DH to me so that I would have somebody to comfort me, after the EXs death. I don't know if that is true but it's a nice sentiment.

 

 

As much as your heart is broken, don't condemn her for not mourning forever.

[amaysngrace]

I'm very sorry for your loss. I can't even begin to imagine how heartbroken you must be.

 

I wouldn't hold it against her. Everybody grieves in their own way. She may have thought it was odd that your husband and you were out and about together doing normal things so soon after.

 

You just never know.

[BC1980]

I think that grief of losing a child is probably different than the grief of losing a partner. Part of it is that it is possible to find another romantic interest (not replace), but it's impossible to replace a child. My ex's wife died tragically at a young age, and I did meet her parents when I was with my ex. He really pushed me to meet them and didn't seem to understand how difficult that must have been for them. To see him with someone else and to see his child with another woman. Even though it had been years by that time, the entire scenario highlighted that he was able to move on in a different way than her parents would ever be able to. I actually made the point to let them know how difficult this all must have been for them and that I was very thankful for their receptiveness.

 

It isn't uncommon to attempt to find solace in a new love interest when someone has died. It's almost like the pain of that loss is so difficult that some people look to recreate the happiness by finding someone person. I don't think any of that invalidates what she shared with your son.

[Owl51]

My husband and I were leaving dinner last night and we ran into her. She was with that man again. She introduced him as her friend, and us as our son's parents. He said he had only met our son twice but he was a great man. I said thank you, and all my husband could do was nod. He had his phone out and our son's picture is on his case. I could tell she was looking at it. She said "oh I miss those blue eyes." I said I did too.

 

She asked if she could come over sometime and before I could say anything my husband said that we're really busy so we'd have to see. There is truth in that, we are in the middle of a case about the cause of the accident and we really don't have a lot of spare time anymore. Then he just walked off and I said goodbye.

 

I just feel awkward about the exchange.

[Ariess10]

I think people on here are being to nice, if that was me I would let loose on her , just for the simple fact that if it was my son he deserves a little more respect than her being out all up on some guy weeks after he passed.. Just who I am I couldn't keep my mouth shut .. But who am I

[Popsicle]

My son was in a horrific car accident six months ago. He passed away from head and neck injuries. He was in his thirties and an up and coming doctor. He was involved with a nice girl for about five years. I know that the last two months of his life they weren't as serious as they had been, but I know he wanted to work things out. We called her when he was in the accident and she was there when he passed away. She also spoke at his funeral and we let her take some things from his apartment.

 

On Saturday night my husband and I saw her out with another man. He was kissing her and holding on to her. I felt so mad! I don't know how someone who was involved with a man as she was with our son could move on so quickly! It was not a man that I recognized, as we saw more of their friends there as well. I know I shouldn't feel this way, but I feel like our son is being forgotten and it hurts. I was positive this woman was going to be my daughter in law... I just don't know what to do.

 

Gosh, I know that hurts. I am so sorry. I wish I knew what to say.

[Popsicle]

 

I just feel awkward about the exchange.

 

I hope she felt that awkwardness.

 

You know, maybe their love was not so great ( referring to she and your son). Maybe this was the reason they were having problems. Maybe he sensed that. Good thing they never married.

[lollipopspot]

I think people on here are being to nice, if that was me I would let loose on her , just for the simple fact that if it was my son he deserves a little more respect than her being out all up on some guy weeks after he passed..

 

It looks like it was 6 months.

 

I hope she felt that awkwardness.

 

Why?

[central]

It sounds like they were heading towards breaking up before he died. She is moving on, which is healthy for her. You are still dealing with grief and loss and projecting your feelings into what you think she should be feeling. It's normal, but not reasonable. She is doing nothing wrong.

[SycamoreCircle]

First of all, I'm very sorry for your loss.

 

I thought I'd relate a story that I feel, in a roundabout way relates. A couple of months ago, these teenagers were playing a game called "Manhunt"(essentially "Tag") on the roof of the building adjoining mine. One of the kids tried to leap across a 7' gap. He fell four stories to his death.

 

People from the neighborhood put up a small homemade memorial in front of the building. Weeks passed and this cardboard box with flowers, candles burning inside it and a small picture of the young man endured the elements. By month's end, the thing was looking pretty ragged. Eventually, it was removed.

 

As it started to look more and more ragged, I thought that maybe it would just be best to take it down. Life goes on. Some people will remember, some people will forget. I didn't know the kid, the family or anything but here I am writing about it. Certain things affect certain people certain ways.

 

If any members of the kid's family saw me on the street, they'd never think that that 30-something year-old white man gave a second thought to their son's death. And why should they? I guess my point is that we can't really know all of what goes on inside other people. Appearances are deceiving. The image of happiness and cohesion doesn't necessarily mean happiness and cohesion.

 

Let the girl go. Let the anger go. Hold on to what feels warm. Let go of things that feel cold.

 

Again I'm sorry.

[wizer]

As the poster said, 2 posts up..

 

Your son is not her concern, she doesn't owe him respect, or anything at all.

 

It's a good thing for her to be moving on with her life, if they were in a good place before he died, perhaps she would need more time to heal, but apparently she doesn't. Or she's burying her grief by spending it with a new guy.

 

Either way it's really none of your business, you are angry because your is dead but you are directing your anger at the wrong person.

[TaraMaiden2]

It's nearly 9 months ago, now.

You really need to let her go and quit beating on her.

 

You have no right to have any expectations of her, and she has no obligation to still be in mourning for a man, when as you admitted, their relationship was 'cooling'.

 

She is still with the guy she met.

Be glad she wasn't flaky and you met her with a brand new person!

 

Leave her be.

I fear this issue is far more pertinent for you to deal with, than her.

She no longer has any connection to either of you.

So frankly, any awkwardness is more because of your abrupt behaviour than any poor attitude on her part.

 

I'm sorry; I'm not being unsympathetic. But you need to let her live her life unhindered by the guilt-trip you seem intent on making her take....

[lollipopspot]

She asked if she could come over sometime and before I could say anything my husband said that we're really busy so we'd have to see. There is truth in that, we are in the middle of a case about the cause of the accident and we really don't have a lot of spare time anymore. Then he just walked off and I said goodbye.

 

I just feel awkward about the exchange.

 

I'm actually kind of surprised that you both wouldn't really want her to come over. She might have some nice memories about him to share.

[wizer]

I'm actually kind of surprised that you both wouldn't really want her to come over. She might have some nice memories about him to share.

 

Its sad, isn't it.. how they let their misdirected anger deprive them of such potentially healing thoughts.

[Owl51]

Honestly, I don't really care if she's with someone else now. I actually don't care about her as much as I did, but why stop us? Why introduce us? Why make a comment about his picture if you're moving on and obviously no longer grieving? That doesn't make sense. She even asked to come to our home... If you're with another man, why? So she can see that nothing about it has changed? So she can see that some of his stuff is now on display in our home?

 

This woman sat with us as we watched our only child take his last breath. At the hospital he worked at no less. She knows intimate details about the accident that we have not shared with family or friends. She knows, as does everyone around us, we are still in court with the young man who hit our son. So why even approach us?

 

I think that is a bit insensitive.

[wizer]

How do you know she's not grieving just because she's with another guy?

 

The two things are not mutually exclusive.

 

I don't think she was insensitive at all.

[central]

Honestly, I don't really care if she's with someone else now. I actually don't care about her as much as I did, but why stop us? Why introduce us? Why make a comment about his picture if you're moving on and obviously no longer grieving? That doesn't make sense. She even asked to come to our home... If you're with another man, why? So she can see that nothing about it has changed? So she can see that some of his stuff is now on display in our home?

 

This woman sat with us as we watched our only child take his last breath. At the hospital he worked at no less. She knows intimate details about the accident that we have not shared with family or friends. She knows, as does everyone around us, we are still in court with the young man who hit our son. So why even approach us?

 

I think that is a bit insensitive.

 

I think you are being insensitive. I'm sure she is grieving as well, and is simply trying to be compassionate over your loss as well as celebrating his memory. You and she have a connection, even though it will fade in time - more quickly since you are angry with her because she is moving on. You are taking your pain out on her, and she does not deserve it.

[TaraMaiden2]

Honestly, I don't really care if she's with someone else now. I actually don't care about her as much as I did,

 

Sadly, I actually think you do, in a way. And not a good way, either...

 

but why stop us? Why introduce us?

Because she had a connection with you, cares for you, cared for your son, and has sympathy for you. Why else?

 

Why make a comment about his picture if you're moving on and obviously no longer grieving?

And you know this....how? Grief comes in may forms, varieties and expressions. She spent 5 years with him. Simply because he died and she moved on, does not mean those 5 years meant nothing to her.

 

That doesn't make sense. She even asked to come to our home... If you're with another man, why?

See my first point...

 

So she can see that nothing about it has changed? So she can see that some of his stuff is now on display in our home?

 

No. So she can see you, share with you, empathise with you and remember, with you.

you knew her for 5 years. How can you now treat her so disdainfully?

 

This woman sat with us as we watched our only child take his last breath. At the hospital he worked at no less.

How wonderful

Did she then say, "Ok, I'm outta here, see you guys around some time!"

 

Of course she didn't! She felt a great depth of feeling for him. She must also have wept and felt bereft at his loss. She isn't made of stone, however....

 

She knows intimate details about the accident that we have not shared with family or friends.

And this means... what?

 

She knows, as does everyone around us, we are still in court with the young man who hit our son.

Why should this make any difference or speak against her favour?

 

So why even approach us?

 

I think that is a bit insensitive.

No, sorry, as central indicated, I sadly think it is you who are insensitive. As if you not only have the prerogative on mourning the loss of your son, but also the privilege of dictating how others should feel, speak and act.

[lollipopspot]

She knows, as does everyone around us, we are still in court with the young man who hit our son. So why even approach us?

 

I think that is a bit insensitive.

 

From my perspective it would be insensitive not to approach you, given your history. But would you prefer that she turns around when she sees you and walks away? Treats you like an enemy or stranger? Does a little hand wave? What?

 

Please describe what would you would like to happen if you saw her out, that you would feel would be sensitive to you and your husband.