Son passed recently, saw his girlfriend with someone else

[Owl51]

Than you everyone for the condolences. It's hard and we miss him every day, but we know we are so lucky to have been his parents.

[Itspointless]

She was respectful about it, she did ask and I had no problem with it and I still don't.

This isn't about the stuff isn't it? It is about the fact that she was to go on a break, than seemed to grief and now has a boyfriend. I guess that picture seems very hard to reconcile and is very painful. Nevertheless I am sure she is grieving too. Perhaps not as a lover, but certainly as a past lover. I think it is very well possible that the choices that she was about to make did not have anything to do with the way she loved him. Sometimes love just is not enough.

 

Loosing a child is harsh. I have seen my grandmother a long time ago grief for my mother. She was demented but remembered when she saw me. It were awful experiences.

 

Share your experiences while it still can, in a couple of years most people will look bewildered at you if you do.

 

Much love to you and your husband.

[MissBee]

But to see her with someone else really stung. The whole time I watched them I couldn't help but think it should be my son holding on to her like that, and why was she letting him kiss her? To be fair, I never saw her kiss him back, but I just was hurt to see her like that this soon. I don't want him to get left behind, he was such a great man...

 

Owl, I'm so sorry about your son, I can only imagine. My grandmother passed two years ago, and she was the closest person I've had who has died and it was extremely difficult. However, the bold seems to be the real problem here...your grief and feeling devastated that your son will be forgotten and left behind.

 

It's not uncommon that when we're grieving we experience all kinds of sometimes irrational emotions and misplaced feelings and a common fear is that as time goes by people will forget or we will forget. This June was the 2 year anniversary of my grandma's death and truth be told the more time that passes I feel a little scared that time still keeps going and she isn't here...I keep trying to remember her voice, her touch, her smell, her laugh, I sometimes feel afraid that with time she will vanish....but she won't. However, it's scary and unfair that life, time, the world, people's lives keep moving right along while your loved one's got cut short. To me, that seems to be your real fear and what's scary, what stings and what's upsetting. The gf moving on seemed like it triggered that fear of him vanishing forever.

 

He won't though. You are his mom and you and his dad will NEVER let that happen. The gf hasn't done anything wrong. You yourself admit that the last two months before he passed they weren't even as serious, it seems they were either on a break or heading to breaking up, she likely was seeing this guy already during that time , but even if not, how she was processing the relationship and his death will be different than how you are. If they were on the way to breaking up and had he been alive if they were probably gonna end things, then now, just because he passed doesn't mean she should stay single and mourning. It's a difficult situation for her too I'm sure and she may have her own regrets, death makes us regret a lot, sometimes it's warranted and sometimes it's unwarranted guilt. A friend of mine her ex husband passed away last December. They had been separated for about a year, she was dating others, while married things weren't good for the last 3 years....they hadn't lived together in over a year before the divorce, she dated others, yet when he passed she was devastated and she referred to him as her husband and not her ex. His death didn't mean divorcing was a mistake or that they should have been together, no they shouldn't have, but his death made her mourn the end of the relationship and their life and his life(he's also her son's dad) in a whole new way. She struggled A LOT with feeling guilty that they divorced shortly before he passed and had to work through a lot to realize that it wasn't her fault, being with him wouldn't have stopped it, and she can cherish his memory and still move on romantically.

 

Long story short, I'm sure his gf might feel similar things or other emotions, but if your son were alive for example, their romantic relationship wouldn't have been anything you had a say in and you couldn't possibly know all the ins and outs of their feelings and the course of the relationship. I understand your pain and you don't have to interact with the gf if it's painful but I think it would help to realize that if your son really loved her he would want her to be happy in his absence. She's not cheating on his memory or forgetting him and especially if things had been rocky for months before he passed it's not like she was with him the night before he died then after the funeral shacked up with another man. They weren't as serious before he died and it's been several months, you don't really know all the details, so I'd give her the benefit of the doubt and I'd also focus on ways to keep his memory alive for you and your family as that's what's important, she will have to process in her own way and it's not something you guys can dictate or judge her for, as you really don't know her true feelings.

 

I am again extremely sorry and I know that doesn't mean much but I do wish you guys peace one day. It won't be soon, but honoring your beautiful son everyday hopefully helps to make things less gut wrenching as the days go by. He won't be forgotten.

Edited June 26, 2015 by MissBee

[MissBee]

I assure you this isn't true.

 

Someone that I'd known since 1st grade passed away in an accident 14 years ago. We weren't particularly close but I still think about her when I drive past the place she died.

 

One of my best friends died suddenly 13 years ago. She still crosses my mind. Every time I go to an event that she and I would have gone to, I think of her. Whenever I go to the place we first met, I think of her. Memories of her are dotted all over the city and I still grieve for all we could have done together.

 

I used to see her mom all the time when my friend was alive but I haven't spoken to her in 9 years. She probably thinks I've forgotten her daughter but she couldn't be more wrong. I miss her daughter all the time. Just because your son's friends and girlfriend aren't pouring grief anymore doesn't mean they don't still carry him with them.

 

This is true.

 

You never forget.

 

But like I said Owl, I understand your fears and I'm cutting you slack because I know how you feel. Eventually you'll come to a more even emotion about it.

 

There are people I wasn't even that close to who died that I will still think of occasionally. My grandmother for example, as I mentioned in my last post, was the closest person I've had die. It happened two years ago and I still think about her EVERY SINGLE day. I talk about her. I miss her. I have memories of her. Sometimes I dream about her (in the first year it happened more frequently, now less so, but still once in a while). However, I have NEVER gone back to her grave site since she was buried. Partly because I live in another state majority of the year but even when I'm around I haven't. Maybe someone on the outside would assume this means I don't care or have forgotten...quite the opposite, it's too painful for me still, that's why. I feel guilty about it many times, but then I don't do it anyway...but eventually I'll get there. My grandma lived with my aunt and some months after she died my aunt cleaned out her room and put away every last personal effect, I remember my little cousin freaked out totally about this to the point of needing therapy and I was sad and upset too...why? We both felt she was erasing her, but she wasn't, my aunt broke down because it was too much for her. The reminders were painful, that was her way of trying to heal...it wasn't about erasing or forgetting. It's her mom. She can't forgot.

 

The point is, different people handle grief differently and if they ever cared about your son they won't forget, even when from the outside it seems they have moved on or have forgotten.

[minimariah]

Honestly, I don't really care if she's with someone else now. I actually don't care about her as much as I did, but why stop us? Why introduce us?

 

because she knows you & didn't want to be rude?

 

Why make a comment about his picture if you're moving on and obviously no longer grieving? That doesn't make sense.

 

no longer grieving doesn't mean forgetting. also -- just because she has a new man, it doesn't mean that she isn't grieving. should she not mention him ever again just because she's dating someone new? should she not mention him ever again because her grieving period is over...?

 

She even asked to come to our home... If you're with another man, why?

 

because she apparently likes YOU & likes to spend time with you. she probably sees you as someone close to her, no?

 

This woman sat with us as we watched our only child take his last breath. At the hospital he worked at no less. She knows intimate details about the accident that we have not shared with family or friends. She knows, as does everyone around us, we are still in court with the young man who hit our son. So why even approach us?

 

for all of these reasons you had just stated. because she is close to you & respects you. it would be more than rude to just pass you when she sees you on the street like you're someone she just happens to know here and there.

 

I think that is a bit insensitive.

 

nothing insensitive about it.

it's a completely other thing if you've ALWAYS had a bad feeling about her and never liked her to begin with.

 

you're angry about your son's death & that's understandable -- but you're taking it out on her and making her a target because, in your opinion, she made your son's last hours painful. the hostility is simply unnecessary.

[Yasuandio]

The girl was not family. Perhaps there was a hope, or a thought she might become family at some time in the future - but the fact is, they were dating. No ring, no engagement. She called him a "friend" at the funeral.

 

She is dating not mourning, that is the reality. That is why these people feel hurt. Under the pressure of an unexpected loss, they turned to her, believing she meant more than she did. She means less than they believed (than they "wanted" and "needed" to believe) at the time of the death of their son. She should have bot have rummaged through his things. They are most likely irrelevant objects for her to contend with now she has a new man on her arm.

 

These objects and/or belongings have been touched by the boy. They contain something he has touched, that contain his memory and spirit she has no right to. I would be angered myself. It was a mistake. It is too weird for her to have control of these things. Having these things back, if it only provides a tiny bit of relief, is worth it. And let her walk her life. That's fine.

 

If this girl was grieving "in her own way," she wouldn't publicly be in the arms of another man where these nice folks would have this rubbed under their nose. No way.

 

Yas

[minimariah]

She called him a "friend" at the funeral.

 

she had called him her BEST FRIEND & gave one of the OP's favourite speeches -- so i don't think her calling him a best friend was a problem at all.

 

She is dating not mourning, that is the reality.

 

no, it's not. you can mourn and date, why is that so hard to understand? i've seen people go through MARRIAGES and mourn that entire time.

 

If this girl was grieving "in her own way," she wouldn't publicly be in the arms of another man where these nice folks would have this rubbed under their nose.

 

introducing them to someone new while randomly meeting them is not rubbing it under their nose. rubbing it under their nose would be her calling them out of the blue and coming to them with her boyfriend unannounced.

 

this isn't about things or the new boyfriend at all -- the OP is blaming the girl for making the boy unhappy and is probably haunted by the fact that his last hours weren't happy hours.

[Yasuandio]

she had called him her BEST FRIEND & gave one of the OP's favourite speeches -- so i don't think her calling him a best friend was a problem at all.

 

 

 

no, it's not. you can mourn and date, why is that so hard to understand? i've seen people go through MARRIAGES and mourn that entire time.

 

 

 

introducing them to someone new while randomly meeting them is not rubbing it under their nose. rubbing it under their nose would be her calling them out of the blue and coming to them with her boyfriend unannounced.

 

this isn't about things or the new boyfriend at all -- the OP is blaming the girl for making the boy unhappy and is probably haunted by the fact that his last hours weren't happy hours.

 

Doesn't matter a hoot what the folks are upset about, nor whether it's justified or not. Their boy is dead. Her feelings are not an issue. They need their boy's stuff back (if they choose to request it back), and to be away from the "best friend" because she makes them feel bad, and angry. That is a good enough reason. Maybe not everyone might comprehend that anger, but I certainly do, big time.

 

Yas

[lollipopspot]

I'm just going to be blunt here: if the mom asked for the things back at this point, I'd have compassion for her in her grief, but I'd feel I dodged a bullet by not having these people as parent's in law. How very petty.

[Owl51]

I've been thinking about it, and my son wouldn't want me to take those things back. He would tell me to let her have the owl. He was always being a model of charity and I know he would want me to do the same.

 

I am mad. I am mad about the way he was treated before he died. I liked her until that happened. I'm not sure if she knows he told me about it. I was so upset that my sweet son was being treated like an object by her. However, he did say to us he hoped they could work it out. I know that is was and is none of my business what went on between them and there's probably things he didn't tell me, but I just feel like he was disrespected by her.

[Itspointless]

I've been thinking about it, and my son wouldn't want me to take those things back. He would tell me to let her have the owl. He was always being a model of charity and I know he would want me to do the same.

 

I am mad. I am mad about the way he was treated before he died. I liked her until that happened. I'm not sure if she knows he told me about it. I was so upset that my sweet son was being treated like an object by her. However, he did say to us he hoped they could work it out. I know that is was and is none of my business what went on between them and there's probably things he didn't tell me, but I just feel like he was disrespected by her.

I understand what you are saying. The problem is that the story between them could have been more complicated or perhaps is much easier than you think. People always tell us their sides, painted by their experiences. The best solution would be (or would have been) to just ask her about her side of the story, as what you know makes you a bit uncomfortable. There is nothing wrong with sometimes leaving the edges from our stories.

 

The trouble is that asking that might confront you with conflicting images about your son. It perhaps is a strange comparison. I saw my mother suffer a lot of pain in my teenage years before she died. Often when someone had visited she totally collapsed, as she was holding up all the time. After those visits al she could do was cry, as she was drained. Often people tell me how my mother has been an tremendous example for them, that she was fearless and showed them so much strength. It made me mad inside towards them and my mother, as we had to live another reality day and night. Now I can see that she was both and very human in being as such.

 

I think it might be therapeutic for you to ask her for her story and just start with listening.

[minimariah]

Maybe not everyone might comprehend that anger, but I certainly do, big time.

 

we can all comprehend it because i'm sure we all lost someone we loved at some point. the truth is -- those things won't bring their son back & this misdirected anger needs to be dealt with.

 

grieving is a process, you need to work on it -- even in a tragedy like this. being mad and angry at the wrong person won't help them at all, quite the contrary.

 

but if the OP asks for her son's things back or if she asks for that girl to just act like she never met them -- i am sure the girl will actually respect their wishes.

[Tayla]

we can all comprehend it because i'm sure we all lost someone we loved.

 

but if the OP asks for her son's things back or if she asks for that girl to just act like she never met them -- i am sure the girl will actually respect their wishes.

 

The best way to Respect any person who is grieving is to validate and comfort such. The OP doesn't get to be an indian giver and "ask" for things back. Nor does the Op get to say" lets pretend like you and my son" never existed in a relationship. Encouraging the OP to be dismissive simply defeats her growing and being more civil. She is bitter and sadly will remain sooo...

She is living in denial, its comforting there...

She complains that no one wants to listen to her sorrow or memories and then mocks someone that does try to validate those memories. That is unhealthy.

[changeofseasons]

I can sorta relate to your pain. My dad unexpectedly fell into serious health problems and was in ICU for a month before he passed. About 7 months later my mom started to date again and i was livid. I acted like a total child, screamed at her, cried, asked her why she was doing this to me, and looking back it seems extremly selfish but its a normal reaction, and I think your feelings are justified.

 

But what i didn't know was what went on in their relationship, i knew that it wasnt perfect, but now almost 3 years later my mom has told me some incredibly painful things that she had endured which we're emotional and mental abuse. Now she's with someone who spoils her, and even though its weird to see my mom be with someone besides my dad, i just have to accept it because she's happy now.

 

We want to have fond memories of the people who passed, i feel guilty whenever i face the fact that my dad was not perfect and actually put my mother through hell, but once i was realistic with how he was, the more closure i got. I'm sure your son was a good man, but you don't know what happened in those 5 years. I've dated guys that were "mommas boys", while their mom put them on a pedestal and thought their baby boy was perfect, I knew a completely different side of this person. So try to be understanding, you cant assume what she's feeling.

Edited June 27, 2015 by changeofseasons

[BC1980]

I've been thinking about it, and my son wouldn't want me to take those things back. He would tell me to let her have the owl. He was always being a model of charity and I know he would want me to do the same.

 

I am mad. I am mad about the way he was treated before he died. I liked her until that happened. I'm not sure if she knows he told me about it. I was so upset that my sweet son was being treated like an object by her. However, he did say to us he hoped they could work it out. I know that is was and is none of my business what went on between them and there's probably things he didn't tell me, but I just feel like he was disrespected by her.

 

Understandable. It's okay to feel the way you do, but I'll mention something I read in a book that helped me. "Feelings aren't facts." It's completely normal to go through the gamut of emotions when you are grieving, but it's also helpful to step back and figure out what we are truly angry with. You'll get much more healing that way and much more closure. Otherwise, you will find yourself in a perpetual cycle of anger.

[aisuru]

Grief is a very lonely place to be. Nobody can understand your exact grief experience, even your spouse or best friend. I really hope you are seeing a therapist and working through some of these feelings so you don't completely drown or misplace some of your anger. I am also so very sorry for your loss.

 

I lost my fiancé 3 weeks before our wedding when I was in my early 20s (I'm almost 40 now) in a car accident. He was in a coma initially and in really bad shape. There was no chance of his survival. His parents, thank goodness, allowed me to be there with them and asked for my opinion, as somebody close to their son, if they should pull him off the machines and life support.

 

I will just say that I am incredibly grateful and thankful they never questioned my level of grief. For what it's worth, more than 15 years later, I have never married. I definitely think my loss of him has impacted how I proceeded in my life.

 

It is not fair to judge another person's grief or how they process a loss. In the end, you have no idea what was going on with your son and his relationship, even if he told you some things.

 

I hear you judging her grief and now regretting that you allowed her to share in some aspects of the loss of your son because she isn't grieving the way you want her to grieve. This is not fair of you. The reality is that losing a child is different than losing a boyfriend/fiance. It just is.

 

Again, if you aren't already, I would beg you to see a therapist to work through some of these feelings. It is not fair for you to expect your son's girlfriend to place her life on hold according to your timeline.

[Owl51]

We discussed her coming in the room while he was dying. At the time, we felt that if he could have spoken he would've wanted her in the room. He loved her. Looking back, i do wonder if it should've have been just us. We just wanted to do what our son would have wanted. That's how we have tried to act towards her. It's a little difficult knowing what we do, and yes, I know our son probably had his share of problems, but everyone does.

 

Hearing stories about him make me cry. It makes me mourn what we will be missing out on rather than what we had. We won't get to see his career take off, we won't see him get married, and we won't get to see his babies. When people talk about him, that's what I think of. I know it's selfish, but that's what happens.

[Itspointless]

Hearing stories about him make me cry. It makes me mourn what we will be missing out on rather than what we had. We won't get to see his career take off, we won't see him get married, and we won't get to see his babies. When people talk about him, that's what I think of. I know it's selfish, but that's what happens.

No that is isn't selfish it is hard. As I said above I have this the other way round. I am coming up at an age that I almost wont have my mother as long as I had her in my life (ill the last few years, but she still was there). Everything I do now and who I have become she doesn't know. Sometimes I would like the change to hear her about all the choices I have made.

[Owl51]

It was our son's birthday on Saturday. We knew a few people wanted to stop by, so I made a cake and got ice cream. We had guests when she showed up. She brought cookies and we invited her in. She was very nice and we all shared stories about him. She kept looking at his diploma on our wall, and that made me sad. I look at it every day. He had it at his apartment in his living room, and was so proud of it. She was pretty quiet most of the night and listened to us talk. When she started leaving, she just started to cry. I put my arm around her to try and comfort her. I felt so sad for her. She just looked so lost...

[Owl51]

She called me today, bawling. She told me she was so sorry for breaking things off with our boy. She was sorry she didn't just get pregnant because he wanted her to and to marry her and she didn't think it was right. It made me so sad to hear that, but even more sad she felt the way she does. I tried to tell her she didn't take anything away from us by not having a baby with him because she was just living her life. No one would've known he was going to pass.

 

She was still crying when we said goodbye. I want to call her and make sure she's alright, but I don't want o upset her... What should I do?

[Popsicle]

She called me today, bawling. She told me she was so sorry for breaking things off with our boy. She was sorry she didn't just get pregnant because he wanted her to and to marry her and she didn't think it was right. It made me so sad to hear that, but even more sad she felt the way she does. I tried to tell her she didn't take anything away from us by not having a baby with him because she was just living her life. No one would've known he was going to pass.

 

She was still crying when we said goodbye. I want to call her and make sure she's alright, but I don't want o upset her... What should I do?

 

Maybe call her in a few days to check on her. I'm sure she appreciates your comforting her.

[Owl51]

My husband and I sat down a few weeks ago and had a talk. We were both angry, and every time we saw his things we just got madder. So we made the decision to take all his things down and put the in the storage on the other side of the house. We just both want to forget. We don't want to see anything that has to do with him anymore. It was too hard, we only left one picture up.

 

It's helped. We are a lot nicer to people than we had been for a year. She ended up coming over last weekend and saw his things were down. She asked where they were and we told her we didn't want them up anymore. Then she started crying. I felt bad, but it was our choice. We just want to forget and be better.

 

I don't think that there's anything wrong with that... But some people are disagreeing with us.

[Itspointless]

My husband and I sat down a few weeks ago and had a talk. We were both angry, and every time we saw his things we just got madder. So we made the decision to take all his things down and put the in the storage on the other side of the house. We just both want to forget. We don't want to see anything that has to do with him anymore. It was too hard, we only left one picture up.

 

It's helped. We are a lot nicer to people than we had been for a year. She ended up coming over last weekend and saw his things were down. She asked where they were and we told her we didn't want them up anymore. Then she started crying. I felt bad, but it was our choice. We just want to forget and be better.

 

I don't think that there's anything wrong with that... But some people are disagreeing with us.

Do what feels best for you both. I always have done that too regarding my mother. Even as people can only find one small photo in my living-room, it does not mean that she is not regularly on my mind (still after 17 years).

[BC1980]

My husband and I sat down a few weeks ago and had a talk. We were both angry, and every time we saw his things we just got madder. So we made the decision to take all his things down and put the in the storage on the other side of the house. We just both want to forget. We don't want to see anything that has to do with him anymore. It was too hard, we only left one picture up.

 

It's helped. We are a lot nicer to people than we had been for a year. She ended up coming over last weekend and saw his things were down. She asked where they were and we told her we didn't want them up anymore. Then she started crying. I felt bad, but it was our choice. We just want to forget and be better.

 

I don't think that there's anything wrong with that... But some people are disagreeing with us.

 

It's up to you, and no one should judge you. There is no right or wrong here. I mentioned that my ex's wife died suddenly, and he gave the urn to her parents. A year later, they gave the urn back to him because her father couldn't stand looking at it anymore. For years, her father would not allow a picture of his daughter in the house.

 

You need to do what is right for you. If it's too painful to have his stuff around right now, then leave it in storage. Maybe you will want to look at it again one day. Maybe not. His GF will have her own reaction, and she is allowed that too. She has to process the grief in her own way.

[Owl51]

I guess now I'm just on the other side of the fence. When I first came here I was mad at her, but when she was here she got mad at us a little... I will always miss him and wonder, but when I saw stuff that should still be in his apartment I was mad at everyone. Even my husband and he was mad at me, and since we got that stuff put away we have been ourselves again. The love we feel for each other is back too. I just feel so strange about how she reacted when she came in.

 

Now though, I've had a few people that've come over make remarks about his things being gone. I just don't think that it's appropriate.