Son passed recently, saw his girlfriend with someone else

[Owl51]

The fact she knows more about the accident and his condition after is important because she saw how bad it was. She saw he didn't even look like the same person. She saw the interior of the car covered in blood. Why? Because she asked to come with us to the where the car was taken. Did we owe her that? No.

 

I know she was still spending the night with him right up until he died. Then to go out with someone else that short time later is so weird. My husband made a comment about that that made me even more mad "Do you think his body was even cold yet?" That is always on my mind.

 

The court case is just a mess because the man was drunk, driving on a suspended license, in someone else's car. He shouldn't even have been on the road! All my child was doing was going to work. That takes a lot out of us.

 

I have been more than gracious to this girl. I didn't have to let her take things from his apartment, but I did. If she even has them still...

 

Why should I have to let her into my home? We don't owe her anything more either.

[TaraMaiden2]

The fact she knows more about the accident and his condition after is important because she saw how bad it was. She saw he didn't even look like the same person. She saw the interior of the car covered in blood. Why? Because she asked to come with us to the where the car was taken. Did we owe her that? No.

Why not?

 

 

 

I know she was still spending the night with him right up until he died. Then to go out with someone else that short time later is so weird.

It was 6 months! As I have already asked you - as his girlfriend, in a relationship which was apparently 'cooling' just what is it you expect of her?? What gives you the right to presume she cannot continue with her life, but should conform to YOUR expectations?

 

My husband made a comment about that that made me even more mad "Do you think his body was even cold yet?" That is always on my mind.

Then forgive me, but your husband is an insensitive ass, and should be ashamed of himself for saying something as crass and thoughtless to you.

I'm hoping you're mad with your husband for displaying a callous and wholly selfish side of his temperament.

 

 

The court case is just a mess because the man was drunk, driving on a suspended license, in someone else's car. He shouldn't even have been on the road! All my child was doing was going to work. That takes a lot out of us.

Why does this have anything to do with his (ex) girlfriend now?

 

I have been more than gracious to this girl. I didn't have to let her take things from his apartment, but I did. If she even has them still...

You have been rude, unthinking, presumptuous and uncaring.

She asked for some things, which is quite natural, and other things you asked her to not take, a request she conceded.

Why should she not have them?

There you are, jumping to conclusions, and being judgemental again.

 

Why should I have to let her into my home? We don't owe her anything more either.

You owe her an apology and a modicum of respect. She has been nothing but courteous and caring to you, and you have essentially and metaphorically slapped her in the face for daring to live her life.

Shame on you.

I hesitate to say it, but I shall.

I doubt your son, having studied to be a doctor, would be very proud of your behaviour.

[NopeNah]

Sorry for your and your husbands loss. But, you shouldn't harbor any ill will for this girl. It sounds like she's reaching out to you guy's to try and "help",to me. She was a big part of his life and sees you as "family". I can't relate and hope to never have to,on the loss of a child,but you really shouldn't harbor any ill will towards her. To be blunt....How would your son want you to be towards her? Look at it as he would.

[lollipopspot]

The fact she knows more about the accident and his condition after is important because she saw how bad it was. She saw he didn't even look like the same person. She saw the interior of the car covered in blood. Why? Because she asked to come with us to the where the car was taken. Did we owe her that? No.

 

I'm not sure that I would think of it in terms of "owing her that" or not. I don't think it was necessarily a gift. In fact, it may have been more traumatic for her to see it than not, and it may even be that she was trying to share the experience to help you?

 

I'm not sure that the badness of the accident should have any bearing on how quickly one recovers though. Does it seem that way to you?

 

I know she was still spending the night with him right up until he died. Then to go out with someone else that short time later is so weird. My husband made a comment about that that made me even more mad "Do you think his body was even cold yet?" That is always on my mind.

 

Can you clarify the timeline? In your first post it looks as though you saw her with a new guy 6 months later. Was it sooner than that?

 

I have been more than gracious to this girl. I didn't have to let her take things from his apartment, but I did. If she even has them still...

 

You know her better than anyone here, but I'll bet she does still have them.

 

You know, you couldn't keep everything from his apartment. Most things were going to have to be donated or passed on. And even if you did keep everything, at some point they would be donated, passed on, or discarded. They're just things, not living, and we don't keep them when we eventually pass. The things aren't the person, just a memory, which you have even without the things themselves.

 

Why should I have to let her into my home? We don't owe her anything more either.

 

You don't have to let her into your home. It had just seemed to me that she might have some nice memories of her son that she wanted to share with you, and that in fact she may want to help you.

Edited June 25, 2015 by lollipopspot

[amaysngrace]

I understand that you're angry and you're heartbroken over the loss of your child but she didn't cause his death.

 

I don't know why you're treating her like the enemy.

 

Did you expect her life to end too? Yours didn't. You're suing somebody as if money can replace your child.

 

Some people may see your actions as those of an uncaring parent who is suppose to be only grieving. Just saying.

[Owl51]

Our son was the kindest man I have ever met. Ever since he was a little boy he always wanted to help people. He would always go to our elderly neighbor's home and see what she needed until she passed. That was something that didn't go unrecognized at the funeral, her whole family came. He wanted to help everyone, that's what he did every day.

 

Would he approve of how we have treated this girl? No, probably not, but he would understand our feelings as well. I think he would understand that there isn't anything either of us want to hear from her.

 

I wish she wouldn't come up to us at all. I have shut down a few conversations about him with other people, because I don't want to have to think about it. I don't want to remember how badly he was hurting for the last twelve hours of his life. There isn't anything that I want to have her tell me. I feel like having her in my home would just make things more difficult.

 

We did let close family members and his best friend go through the apartment as well. No one took the amount of things she did, no one took the type of stuff she did. It was odd to us. You are right a lot was donated and a lot was disposed of, so I don't have it all.

 

I know people are forgetting him. I know people are leaving him behind. I know people don't stop by his graveside anymore, and that's fine. I wish it was that easy for us, but it's not.

[hudson701]

Women seem to have this innate ability to move on very quickly after a traumatic breakup, it's all I've experienced in my life. I found it remarkable just how fast they move on and it can be very hurtful. I read into it from biological/Darwinian perspective and apparently it's an evolutionary in-built survival mechanism which acts to ensure a women is re-equipped to care for any future offspring (and find the next best parter) as soon as possible, to ensure said offspring have the best life possible. Men however, in this regard, are somewhat disposable which is why they take so much longer to get over a relationship breakup. Much, much longer in fact.

 

I'm just trying to shed some light on why she is apparently moving on so quickly. I've experienced it myself and it can be a real shock to the system.

[writergal]

Our son was the kindest man I have ever met. Ever since he was a little boy he always wanted to help people. He would always go to our elderly neighbor's home and see what she needed until she passed. That was something that didn't go unrecognized at the funeral, her whole family came. He wanted to help everyone, that's what he did every day.

 

Would he approve of how we have treated this girl? No, probably not, but he would understand our feelings as well. I think he would understand that there isn't anything either of us want to hear from her.

 

I wish she wouldn't come up to us at all. I have shut down a few conversations about him with other people, because I don't want to have to think about it. I don't want to remember how badly he was hurting for the last twelve hours of his life. There isn't anything that I want to have her tell me. I feel like having her in my home would just make things more difficult.

 

We did let close family members and his best friend go through the apartment as well. No one took the amount of things she did, no one took the type of stuff she did. It was odd to us. You are right a lot was donated and a lot was disposed of, so I don't have it all.

 

I know people are forgetting him. I know people are leaving him behind. I know people don't stop by his graveside anymore, and that's fine. I wish it was that easy for us, but it's not.

 

I am very sorry for your loss, but I think you are wrong to vilify your son's ex-girlfriend just because she's not grieving his death the way that you are.

 

You were your son's mother. She was your son's girlfriend for 5 years. Their relationship was and still is none of your business as his mother. What she does with her male friend now, is none of your business.

 

I think it is extremely judgmental of you to criticize her actions because you are not in her shoes. You have no idea what her grieving process is, around your son except what she shares with you.

 

I think she was extremely polite to introduce her male friend to you and your husband when you all ran into each other. She made an effort to be polite because that is the right thing to do.

 

You claim that you don't owe her anything, yet you expect her to owe you everything; you expect her to grieve your son's death the way that you are, you expect her to behave in a way that you would, you expect her not to date anyone right now or to grieve in a way that goes against how you grieve, you expect her not to take any keepsakes from your son's apartment that meant something to her for the 5 years she spent with your son as his girlfriend.

 

I understand your pain and the loss that you feel. But your problem is that your anger over your son's death and at the person who killed him is totally misdirected at this poor ex-girlfriend. She didn't kill him. She dated him. She probably even loved him too. So, I think you owe her some respect instead of all of this anger.

 

Everyone grieves death in their own way. It is not up to you to dictate to everyone who knew your son, how to grieve his death and I think you need to respect that.

 

Obviously, you're his mother so your grief is very different from everyone else who knew him. Focus on your own healing. Focus on making it through your son's court case over who killed him. But stop vilifying this poor woman because she didn't do anything wrong.

Edited June 25, 2015 by writergal

[Tayla]

owl51. losing a child in their adult years turns you into something you never thought you'd be. Some where in the grieving process you have willingly chosen the low road.... it will remain rocky and bitter and disassociating with mankind. Tis a shame really as you are presented each day with people willing to share this burden. Yet in your grief you shun others. Even the posters here who have given some smalll wake up and smell the coffee moments, you dismiss. When you are ready to join humanity... we will be here...for now... travel thru your grief and know that there is no time clock... only ppl to help see you thru it.

The time it takes to process thru the grief does Not determine the amount of love you had for your son...

[wizer]

We did let close family members and his best friend go through the apartment as well. No one took the amount of things she did, no one took the type of stuff she did.

 

She was with him for 5 years. They accumulated a lot of stuff together, much of which belonged to her.

[Owl51]

I'm sorry wizer, but his shirts did not belong to her, the silver owl on his desk he bought on a trip to Germany did not belong to her, his comforter I bought him did not belong to her. She took other things that yes, may have been hers, but not all of it. I did let her take these things because I didn't need to have them. I kept what I wanted and let others take the rest. However, I will not let someone say his things belonged to her. They belonged to him, he passed and they belonged to us and we were generous enough to let others enjoy them.

 

She was respectful about it, she did ask and I had no problem with it and I still don't. She made sure I could let go of everything she took.

Edited June 26, 2015 by Owl51

[Yasuandio]

I understand how you are feeling. It has to be a weird feeling. Seeing the young lady clearly involved with another man is a paradigm shift, after the events of the funeral, and the gifts you allowed her to take from your son's apartment.

 

I could comprehend a feeling of resentment - whether it is called for or not (as you all have a right to also process grief in your own ways as well).

 

Now, some might not like my proposal, but this is what I would do. I would ask for the things back. Explain it was a mistake, and you need your boy's things returned. That is what I would do. Her new man can warm her feelings if they are hurt. Nothing will compare to the feelings of yours.

 

It can be done with a simple note. A nice note.

 

She does not have to oblige you, as these things were gifted to her, but she likely will. That will close the door on this deal, and might help you move on from your anger towards her.

 

That is how I would handle this sort of thing. I got a thing about objects. And people that rub me wrong - I don't want them in possession of anything that was mine (or made with my hands) - especially important momentos. But that is me. And it happened on one rare occasion:

 

I once asked for items, lovely gifts, and hand-made items to be returned from a former friend/colleague that screwed me over at work. I told her, "she was not the person I believed her to be," and I wanted these things back. She returned them, nicely packed at my doorway, with no problem. That made me feel much, much better.

 

Just a suggestion.

 

Very sorry for your loss. Yas

Edited June 26, 2015 by Yasuandio

[Owl51]

I would just prefer for her to not come into contact with us. We have said all that needs to be said to this girl. We have been gracious to her to a fault. She asked to be in the room when he passed. She asked to see the car. We didn't force her, we probably shouldn't have let her, but we did. I don't care a bit about her having a boyfriend, but why introduce us? That wasn't needed.

[Owl51]

I understand how you are feeling. It has to be a weird feeling. Seeing the young lady clearly involved with another man is a paradigm shift, after the events of the funeral, and the gifts you allowed her to take from your son's apartment.

 

I could comprehend a feeling of resentment - whether it is called for or not (as you all have a right to also process grief in your own ways as well).

 

Now, some might not like my proposal, but this is what I would do. I would ask for the things back. Explain it was a mistake, and you need your boy's things returned. That is what I would do. Her new man can warm her feelings if they are hurt. Nothing will compare to the feelings of yours.

 

It can be done with a simple note. A nice note.

 

She does not have to oblige you, as these things were gifted to her, but she likely will. That will close the door on this deal, and might help you move on from your anger towards her.

 

That is how I would handle this sort of thing. I got a thing about objects. And people that rub me wrong - I don't want them in possession of anything that was mine (or made with my hands) - especially important momentos. But that is me. And it happened on one rare occasion:

 

I once asked for items, lovely gifts, and hand-made items to be returned from a former friend/colleague that screwed me over at work. I told her, "she was not the person I believed her to be," and I wanted these things back. She returned them, nicely packed at my doorway, with no problem. That made me feel much, much better.

 

Just a suggestion.

 

Very sorry for your loss. Yas

 

 

Thank you, I might consider that.

[PinkElephants]

I know people are forgetting him. I know people are leaving him behind.

 

I assure you this isn't true.

 

Someone that I'd known since 1st grade passed away in an accident 14 years ago. We weren't particularly close but I still think about her when I drive past the place she died.

 

One of my best friends died suddenly 13 years ago. She still crosses my mind. Every time I go to an event that she and I would have gone to, I think of her. Whenever I go to the place we first met, I think of her. Memories of her are dotted all over the city and I still grieve for all we could have done together.

 

I used to see her mom all the time when my friend was alive but I haven't spoken to her in 9 years. She probably thinks I've forgotten her daughter but she couldn't be more wrong. I miss her daughter all the time. Just because your son's friends and girlfriend aren't pouring grief anymore doesn't mean they don't still carry him with them.

Edited June 26, 2015 by PinkElephants

[SycamoreCircle]

My brother's wife passed away a little over a year ago. My brother, even without her death, has a lot of personal problems. My mom spoke to me tonight and told me that she spoke to him on the phone recently and he was absolutely livid. Apparently, a friend of his wife was asked by the wife, while she was still alive, to dispose of her clothing when she passed.

 

Well, the friend contacted my brother.

 

My mom, who is one of the most patient and empathic people I've ever met, told me she felt disgusted after hearing the "vicious" things my brother had to say about this friend. "She just wants to sell Colleen's clothing on such-and-such!"

 

With loss, we always feel a deep sense of guilt. We could have done more while they were alive. We could have given more. We could have been a better partner, a better provider. It causes us to become hyper-vigilant.

 

Please, let the belongings go. Those belongings aren't your child. They have no more to do with your child than belongings he didn't own. Don't throw fuel in the fire. Don't make this any harder for yourself. The fighting will not bring him back. The fighting will not relinquish the pain. Let this pain wash over you. Feel it in all its totality. Live through it. I promise the next time it comes back it will be lesser in intensity. And as the cycle repeats over and over, year upon year, the intensity will lessen and lessen. It will lessen to the point of something you can accept. Something that you can live with.

 

You can't undo what has been done, but you can resist further hurt, further injury.

[BlueIris]

I’m so sorry that your son died.

 

This young woman’s living fully and seeking love again could be seen as a positive reflection upon your son and their relationship. When my mom’s best friend died, her husband of 25 years dated and remarried quite quickly, within a year. My mom was shocked at first and then said that she was glad that her friend’s husband had loved being married and had had such a good marriage that he wanted to marry again.

[BC1980]

I understand why you are angry, but it's so misdirected at this poor girl. You have to find a way to deal with that. I think you are angry because you feel that she has the opportunity to move on and replace your son, while you can never replace him. But the truth is that she probably isn't trying to replace him at all. She's not going to forget him, but she has to move on and let go in her own way.

 

I also think you might be angry that you even have to deal with this grief and the awfulness of all of it. You would rather that everyone else feel just as awful and stay there with you. I get that, but you can't dictate how other people grieve. And you truly have no clue how she or anyone else is grieving his death. For all you know, she is crying herself to sleep at night and is using this new guy as a bandaid for her pain. You really don't know how she feels. None of us do. But the bottom line is that your anger (although valid) is completely misdirected.

 

Have you sought out counseling? Grief support groups? I think it would be very helpful for you to share how you feel with others who have experienced similar situations.

[Art_Critic]

Owl, you are still grieving.. and as such you are trying to move on and trying to place the anger so your heart doesn't hurt anymore, when you do you will see the anger you feel right now is misplaced.

She is grieving too, I guarantee it...you are grieving as a Mother and she is grieving as a GF, in the end you will wind up in the same place, moved on and remembering your Son how each of you want to remember him..

 

Try and look at her with some of the love you have in your heart for your Son's GF and as someone who was going to become a bigger member of your family... they never broke up so she isn't his ExGF and she does still love your Son.

 

Good luck and I'm sorry for your and your family's loss.

 

~Art

[Tayla]

I would just prefer for her to not come into contact with us. We have said all that needs to be said to this girl. We have been gracious to her to a fault. She asked to be in the room when he passed. She asked to see the car. We didn't force her, we probably shouldn't have let her, but we did. I don't care a bit about her having a boyfriend, but why introduce us? That wasn't needed.

 

Because in a civil society , people have manners and introduce those in their presences. And for future reference, Things are not people. You leave this world with what you came into it with. Those "things" belong to no one in the grand scheme of life. You are simply linking anything within his surrounding as being apart of him. They aren't. We are not our trinkets or belongings. You miss "HIM" and his being. You are still in the fog and in years to come you will understand that what we are saying to you is to help you adjust, not to plactate you into continuing these poor choice of actions.

Get into a support group, and start understanding that while your grief is real, your actions are still yours to be accountable for. Unless you were this way before his passing? In which case, this isn't grief . Yet I will side with you going thru the fog.

[Owl51]

We aren't heartless people. We are actually creating a memorial scholarship through our son's school. Since we don't need more money, everything we've gotten because of the accident is being put towards that. We haven't told many people because it's not anyone's business. We are still in the beginning stages, but it's happening. We want to help other kids who want to change the world like our son did.

 

I don't think it's unreasonable to keep to ourselves about our son either. We just want to move on, and when things like this happen it makes it harder.

[d0nnivain]

I wish she wouldn't come up to us at all. I have shut down a few conversations about him with other people, because I don't want to have to think about it. I don't want to remember how badly he was hurting for the last twelve hours of his life. There isn't anything that I want to have her tell me. I feel like having her in my home would just make things more difficult.

 

Did you ever stop to think that you are her last connection to him? You & your husband have each other. Who does she have, if not you?

 

While I can only imagine the depth of pain & grief you have, talking about people who have passed especially with those who loved them helps.

 

The lawsuit isn't going to bring him back. It will get you money. That's all. While the scholarship idea is lovely compassion is more important.

 

Would you feel differently if she was his widow rather than his GF?

 

As for the things she took, the comforter & the shirts, they probably smelled like him. The two of them probably made love on that comforter & she wanted to feel him around her again. What were you going to do with those things, anyway?

[Owl51]

I would assume, her boyfriend could comfort her. She is not the only person I shut down who tries bringing him up. I don't want to have conversations about him. I get it, he was great, I know I got to raise him! I knew he was great before he died.

 

The reason I brought up his things was because another poster said they belonged to her. They did not, they belonged to my husband and me. She can have the shirts, I have a closet full, she can have the comforter, I have tons of blankets that were his when he lived here. I do regret letting his silver owl go, but I have more of his owl things than I know what to do with. Yes, I may ask for it back, but I haven't decided yet. She didn't take his book on owls and that was my main concern. I would probably feel different if she was his wife, but she's not. The week before my son died we talked about her wanting to take a break, but he was upset because she was still calling him for sex. He told her that a break meant a break not coming over when she felt like it and I stood by him.

[d0nnivain]

I was broken up with my EX-BF when he died but his whole family still treated me like I was a grieving widow. On some levels that was weird because his EX-W was there & so was his new GF but the compassion & understanding I received from his family was something that truly helped my healing process. His mom said to me on more than one occasion over the years that she was so thankful to for the happiness I brought her son while we were together.

 

Again I don't pretend to understand what it feels like to lose a child but I genuinely believe that if you open up more and especially talk about the good times, the loving memories -- with all sorts of people -- YOU will feel better & your burden will become just a little bit lighter.

 

Because you describe your son as such a good person, I am sure that he would want you to experience some relief from your suffering.

[melodymatters]

I'm writing this from the perspective of having been widowed AND having lost my only child.

 

My H developed epilepsy soon after we met and moved in together. His family lived 45 minutes away. They never visited, not even when he was in the hospital every other week. We didn't have any health insurance so tried covering doctors visits and medication out of pocket. His father had run up his sons credit card and wouldn't even discuss paying him back so his son could buy medication. Basically they were jerks when he was alive. AFTER HE DIED, they made me the enemy. One aunt hacked his facebook account to publicly write me the cruelest, vilest letter I have ever read slamming me in every way 2 weeks after he died ( this threw me back into bed for nearly a week). I never understood why they turned on me when I was the one supporting him ( he couldn't work) sleeping at the hospital every other week, generally taking care of him in every way. I didn't date for 2.5 yrs, but that was because I wasn't ready, it was no one else's business. I am on a site called youngwidow and you will see people getting into relationships a few months after and some that pledge never to love again. If there is anything personal in life it is the grieving process !

 

For example, I lost my only child at 19 yrs old two years ago. I LOVE it when people talk about her, those are my favorite people. Neither you nor I are right or wrong, we are just different in how we grieve our only children. Two of my oldest and what I considered dearest friends however VANISHED After the funeral ! I never heard from them again. My girlfriend who was my best friend since age six and my daughters godmother hasn't contacted me since then and I wasn't even invited to the other one's yearly Christmas party that my friends and I attended every season. I was the only one of this group of friends left off the list.

 

I am angry atTHOSE two people. How cowardly, but I try not to dwell on them.

 

I guess my point is simply : People grieve differently. You have the right to grieve your way, I have the right to grieve mine. Let's both just try to not hurt OURSELVES by misplacing anger where it doesn't belong.

 

I wish you peace.