This married guy friend I have...

[Riri90]

New to this site, looking for some insight

 

Little back story: I had an EA with a separated friend of mine. The affair was emotional with some physical (no sexual intercourse). My separated friend at the time had started wanting more, putting more demands on me and when I told him I couldn’t be more than friends right now or that I was not ready to have a sexual relationship with him, he ended the physical part of our affair saying it wasn’t right. He wanted to continue being friends, still called all the time, still wanted to hang out, still put in efforts to see me. I try not to listen to words and his actions towards me did prove he still wanted me in his life and wanted an active friendship with me. But I was feeling weird about everything, not sure if he was trying to pull away from me because I wasn’t ready for anything more. I voiced to him that that our friendship felt awkward, and I started pulling away from him, ignoring him and I cancelled plans to go out of town with him, which upset him.

 

After that we start getting more distance and he decides to work on his marriage. He didn’t want to stop talking or stop being friends even though he made his choice. We went through a month of back and forth, not being able to completely let go of our emotional connection, to the point where I couldn’t take anymore and went complete NC on him and blocked him for 2 months.

 

Of course I am a dummy and chose to reach out. He was happy to hear from me but when I started telling him that I was doing pretty good and told him about some good things that were happening in my life, he seemed…unhappy for me. He was acting depressed, like his life was unhappy and stressful. To me it seemed like he wanted to hear that I was down too and that my life wasn’t that happy either…that upset me so I stopped messaging him. Anyway he starts up the messaging again, being WAY more nice and friendly. Just asking me questions about my life, about my job, acting interested. He also wanted to know what I did for Valentine’s day but I politely dodged the question.

 

My problem is that I don’t mind this little bit of communication, it’s not holding me back in life but I have noticed he has started playing a game with me. I have a habit of not responding that quickly, sometimes it takes me days to responds to a message but we are just friends so I didn’t see it as a big deal. He on the other hand seems to take it personal and has started doing it back to me. He mimicked a lot of my behaviors during our EA, so this was easy to spot. I have no issue with him not responding daily, we are friends and I don’t expect to chat daily but what he is doing now is baiting me into to convo just to ignore me. He writes me, I don’t respond yet, so he messages me again, I respond and he ignores me on purpose.

 

Questions: Why is he doing this? Is it a trick of some sort to get me to chase him? (Won’t happen) Is it payback for the NC? I know I started the messaging but he is the one not letting it die now and trying to lure me into convo just to ignore me. I have no issue with keeping a polite convo but now I feel like every message is a trick.

[DKT3]

New to this site, looking for some insight

 

Little back story: I had an EA with a separated friend of mine. The affair was emotional with some physical (no sexual intercourse). My separated friend at the time had started wanting more, putting more demands on me and when I told him I couldn’t be more than friends right now or that I was not ready to have a sexual relationship with him, he ended the physical part of our affair saying it wasn’t right. He wanted to continue being friends, still called all the time, still wanted to hang out, still put in efforts to see me. I try not to listen to words and his actions towards me did prove he still wanted me in his life and wanted an active friendship with me. But I was feeling weird about everything, not sure if he was trying to pull away from me because I wasn’t ready for anything more. I voiced to him that that our friendship felt awkward, and I started pulling away from him, ignoring him and I cancelled plans to go out of town with him, which upset him.

 

After that we start getting more distance and he decides to work on his marriage. He didn’t want to stop talking or stop being friends even though he made his choice. We went through a month of back and forth, not being able to completely let go of our emotional connection, to the point where I couldn’t take anymore and went complete NC on him and blocked him for 2 months.

 

Of course I am a dummy and chose to reach out. He was happy to hear from me but when I started telling him that I was doing pretty good and told him about some good things that were happening in my life, he seemed…unhappy for me. He was acting depressed, like his life was unhappy and stressful. To me it seemed like he wanted to hear that I was down too and that my life wasn’t that happy either…that upset me so I stopped messaging him. Anyway he starts up the messaging again, being WAY more nice and friendly. Just asking me questions about my life, about my job, acting interested. He also wanted to know what I did for Valentine’s day but I politely dodged the question.

 

My problem is that I don’t mind this little bit of communication, it’s not holding me back in life but I have noticed he has started playing a game with me. I have a habit of not responding that quickly, sometimes it takes me days to responds to a message but we are just friends so I didn’t see it as a big deal. He on the other hand seems to take it personal and has started doing it back to me. He mimicked a lot of my behaviors during our EA, so this was easy to spot. I have no issue with him not responding daily, we are friends and I don’t expect to chat daily but what he is doing now is baiting me into to convo just to ignore me. He writes me, I don’t respond yet, so he messages me again, I respond and he ignores me on purpose.

 

Questions: Why is he doing this? Is it a trick of some sort to get me to chase him? (Won’t happen) Is it payback for the NC? I know I started the messaging but he is the one not letting it die now and trying to lure me into convo just to ignore me. I have no issue with keeping a polite convo but now I feel like every message is a trick.

 

Are you married? Because if not I'm not really seeing what's holding you guys back, he is separated.

[whichwayisup]

Forget him. He is playing games and who knows how many women he has on the side.

 

A guy who is interested and serious will NOT play these sorts of games. He is not into you anymore, seems he's using you as an ego feed when he wants attention.

 

A respectful guy doesn't do this.

 

Move on and forget him.

[elaine567]

I have no issue with keeping a polite convo but now I feel like every message is a trick.

 

Yes, he is playing tricks and is not really acting like a friend at all.

He is a married man, he cannot be "just friends" with a woman he has had an affair with.

He is looking for sex, wishes he was single, wishes he could have you, feels guilty, feels bitter, feels upset when you are having a good time and he is stuck in his marriage, blames you, then he tries a different tack to try and snare you.

This MM is NOT your friend, real friends will not treat you in this way. He is in essence a MM looking for a$$.

Not worth it IMO, too complicated and way too tricky.

 

If you are going to have an affair with a MM, at least choose a more stable individual.

 

BUT best of all, find yourself an nice honest and true, single man.

[Riri90]

Are you married? Because if not I'm not really seeing what's holding you guys back, he is separated.

 

No I am not married. He was seperated during our EA and has since chosen to work on his marriage after I rejected his advances. There is a whole big long back story about all that but I didn't find it relevant to today so I left it all out.

[Riri90]

Forget him. He is playing games and who knows how many women he has on the side.

 

A guy who is interested and serious will NOT play these sorts of games. He is not into you anymore, seems he's using you as an ego feed when he wants attention.

 

A respectful guy doesn't do this.

 

Move on and forget him.

 

Thank you. I don't know if I agree with the bolded. He only started tricking me when I wasn't responding to him daily. Feels more like payback or wanting to be in control on his part. There is alot more to the story but I don't feel like any of it matters today...but I agree with your other points.

[DKT3]

No I am not married. He was seperated during our EA and has since chosen to work on his marriage after I rejected his advances. There is a whole big long back story about all that but I didn't find it relevant to today so I left it all out.

 

You said it yourself, he is following your lead. Are you playing games? He is doing to you what you're doing to him. So what's the problem?

[whichwayisup]

No I am not married. He was seperated during our EA and has since chosen to work on his marriage after I rejected his advances. There is a whole big long back story about all that but I didn't find it relevant to today so I left it all out.

 

Since he has chosen to go back home to his wife and give his marriage another chance, leave him alone completely. Don't chase or spend time on someone who is married. Even if he separates again, keep that door closed. Separated still means emotionally unavailable!

[Riri90]

Yes, he is playing tricks and is not really acting like a friend at all.

He is a married man, he cannot be "just friends" with a woman he has had an affair with.

He is looking for sex, wishes he was single, wishes he could have you, feels guilty, feels bitter, feels upset when you are having a good time and he is stuck in his marriage, blames you, then he tries a different tack to try and snare you.

This MM is NOT your friend, real friends will not treat you in this way. He is in essence a MM looking for a$$.

Not worth it IMO, too complicated and way too tricky.

 

If you are going to have an affair with a MM, at least choose a more stable individual.

 

BUT best of all, find yourself an nice honest and true, single man.

 

I call it an affair because I know alot of people will jump on me if I don't but it wasn't a technical affair. He was seperated, his wife gone and we were not hidden. We did alot together and he told his wife about me.

 

Why look for a$$ where he never got it in the first place? I could see if we had a PA, but sex was a big deal to me and he knew until he was divorced there would be no sex from me...but yet he still met all my emotional needs and still made efforts to be around me and spend all his time with me...

[Riri90]

You said it yourself, he is following your lead. Are you playing games? He is doing to you what you're doing to him. So what's the problem?

 

This is my norm, I do not do it to intentionally piss people off. He knows I am like this, I have been like this since he met me years ago. It's just during our EA, I did respond daily but now that it's over I don't. He is taking it personal and turning it into a game. I would like to chat with him here and there but not if it is always going to be a trick so he can be the one to ignore me...

[stellamaria]

Hmm, it does sound like he is playing the same trick with you, but why are you noticing?

 

My ex-friend/AF and me had a period of epic closeness a few years ago, and then I got into a relationship and reduced contact a lot. He'd message and I'd respond days later (or sometimes not at all, he'd send me another message) and I honestly can't remember how long it took for him to reply. I have since reread old emails (now all deleted) and noticed that he did respond within moments at first, but then he must have tried to take his time in responding, waiting a couple of days or so, but I didn't notice, and then the responses were more instantaneous again when he must have guessed his tactics hadn't worked (if they were indeed tactics - shrugs).

[elaine567]

I call it an affair because I know alot of people will jump on me if I don't but it wasn't a technical affair. He was seperated, his wife gone and we were not hidden. We did alot together and he told his wife about me.

 

Why look for a$$ where he never got it in the first place? I could see if we had a PA, but sex was a big deal to me and he knew until he was divorced there would be no sex from me...but yet he still met all my emotional needs and still made efforts to be around me and spend all his time with me...

 

It's "potential" a$$. All that "physical stuff (not sexual intercourse)" you did together, will still be on his mind.

He is a married man supposedly "working on his marriage", why is he then still messing about texting you and playing games?

 

You have to decide whether you want him or not. Forget all these games, life is too short.

 

If you deep down want him, then you need to tell him that.

If he feels the same, then he needs to tell his wife, ask for a divorce, and you all can move on.

 

If you deep down do not want him, then going NC is what you must do here.

 

Too much water under the bridge for you two, to be friends.

[Riri90]

Hmm, it does sound like he is playing the same trick with you, but why are you noticing?

 

My ex-friend/AF and me had a period of epic closeness a few years ago, and then I got into a relationship and reduced contact a lot. He'd message and I'd respond days later (or sometimes not at all, he'd send me another message) and I honestly can't remember how long it took for him to reply. I have since reread old emails (now all deleted) and noticed that he did respond within moments at first, but then he must have tried to take his time in responding, waiting a couple of days or so, but I didn't notice, and then the responses were more instantaneous again when he must have guessed his tactics hadn't worked (if they were indeed tactics - shrugs).

 

I noticed because it is very obvious.

[DKT3]

OP your really all over the place and this is starting to come off like a bitter rant.

 

You say you respond slowly because your only friends, yet your upset that he responds slowly.

 

I think the truth of the matter is your still very much emotionally connected and you want more, or you at the least what to know that he wants more. This thing was dead, NC for several months and it was you that reached out, now your making it seem like it was him that started back up with you.

 

If you were as uninterested as your attempting to make it seem, then like Stella said "why do you notices" or better yet why haven't you blocked him?

 

Be honest, you either want him to want you, which he isn't really doing, or you really do want more then your saying here. Otherwise I don't see an issue. If you just friends why does he need to communicate back quickly? You don't.

[Rainbowlove]

The bottom line here is who has time for this crap in their life?

 

The minute I'm wondering if someone is playing games with me, I don't play.

 

There's zero room for games in my life with anyone.

 

Are we in junior high school?

 

He's married, he's not your friend.

 

Leave the guy alone.

 

And if you want to play games, go to Bingo.

[Riri90]

OP your really all over the place and this is starting to come off like a bitter rant.

 

You say you respond slowly because your only friends, yet your upset that he responds slowly.

 

I think the truth of the matter is your still very much emotionally connected and you want more, or you at the least what to know that he wants more. This thing was dead, NC for several months and it was you that reached out, now your making it seem like it was him that started back up with you.

 

If you were as uninterested as your attempting to make it seem, then like Stella said "why do you notices" or better yet why haven't you blocked him?

 

Be honest, you either want him to want you, which he isn't really doing, or you really do want more then your saying here. Otherwise I don't see an issue. If you just friends why does he need to communicate back quickly? You don't.

 

Ok couple of corrections...it has not been several months...it has only been 2 months. Please don't add these exaggarations, future readers need to read my story as I told it.

 

Next, I have stated it was ME who started the messaging, I never said it was him that started up BUT now that it has HE won't stop. Once again don't change my story around.

 

Again, I am not upset he responds slowly...He doesn't respond slowly, he baits me into convo just to ignore. Stop changing my story.

 

I know exactly what he wants...and he will not be getting it.

 

Yes I still care about him, if that is emotionally connected then so be it.

 

Like Stella said why do I notice...like I said because it's OBVIOUS.

 

Why would I block? I have stated I don't mind here and there chatting, what I don't like it being baited.

 

And again, I never said he needed to reply back quickly, he does that on his own, but now he is trying to be like me...he did this alot during our EA (try to be like me) so it was pretty easy to spot...

 

In response to what I bolded...Like I said, I haven't gone into detail about the exact situation, just gave a quick back story and then proceeded to my current issue. Please don't assume to know what this guys feels for me...you have no clue.

Edited March 5, 2015 by Riri90

[Blu72]

Ok - so he's trying to 'be like' you. So what's the problem?

[Riri90]

The bottom line here is who has time for this crap in their life?

 

The minute I'm wondering if someone is playing games with me, I don't play.

 

There's zero room for games in my life with anyone.

 

Are we in junior high school?

 

He's married, he's not your friend.

 

Leave the guy alone.

 

And if you want to play games, go to Bingo.

 

I am looking for insight, just like anyone else on this board. I realize my question may seem dumb to you, but I have seen dumber questions posted so spare me.

 

Do you have any insight? My questions are just as valid as anyone else's...

 

I have seem some dumb questions posted over on infidelty by BS's (is he still cheating?? I found messages and pictures??) and everyone gives their insight but because this guy was seperated/married my questions aren't valid and don't deserve a real insight? Oh ok.

 

And I don't like bingo but thanks...

[Rainbowlove]

I am looking for insight, just like anyone else on this board. I realize my question may seem dumb to you, but I have seen dumber questions posted so spare me.

 

Do you have any insight? My questions are just as valid as anyone else's...

 

I have seem some dumb questions posted over on infidelty by BS's (is he still cheating?? I found messages and pictures??) and everyone gives their insight but because this guy was seperated/married my questions aren't valid and don't deserve a real insight? Oh ok.

 

And I don't like bingo but thanks...

 

The insight is do you have time for games in your life?

 

And he's married...move on and let him go.

[Rainbowlove]

I feel like every message is a trick.

 

Then why are you engaged with this person? If every messages is a trick, the obvious response is to take yourself out of the game.

 

Otherwise, you are a willing participant.

 

B-22!!!

[Riri90]

Ok - so he's trying to 'be like' you. So what's the problem?

 

Because trying to "be like me" is a game. Me being me doing what I have always done is not a game. I want to know if he is trying to trick me into chasing him, or if he paying me back for coming in and out of his life whenever I please

 

I keep saying I haven't told the whole story and I probably won't, but I have done way worse to him. We used to like each other years ago before he got married, I wasn't ready so I disappeared and went NC, not warning, no nothing, I broke his heart. Over the years, we keep doing the same thing...getting close/falling for each other and then I run away...and then I pop back up when I feel like it and he is always there waiting for me. Our dynamic was a little different...I was the hot/cold one. He was always very hot.

[stellamaria]

It's probably not really a game, it's probably more trying to not scare you off, trying to control himself.

[Blu72]

Because trying to "be like me" is a game. Me being me doing what I have always done is not a game. I want to know if he is trying to trick me into chasing him, or if he paying me back for coming in and out of his life whenever I please

 

I keep saying I haven't told the whole story and I probably won't, but I have done way worse to him. We used to like each other years ago before he got married, I wasn't ready so I disappeared and went NC, not warning, no nothing, I broke his heart. Over the years, we keep doing the same thing...getting close/falling for each other and then I run away...and then I pop back up when I feel like it and he is always there waiting for me. Our dynamic was a little different...I was the hot/cold one. He was always very hot.

 

Well it seems you answered your own question. If he's acting like you than he's playing games. I'm not sure how you expect him to act.

[Riri90]

Well it seems you answered your own question. If he's acting like you than he's playing games. I'm not sure how you expect him to act.

 

I expect anyone to act like themselves.

[Riri90]

Then why are you engaged with this person? If every messages is a trick, the obvious response is to take yourself out of the game.

 

Otherwise, you are a willing participant.

 

B-22!!!

 

I engage him because I still care and I like talking to him. Yes I think he is tricking me but not in a mean way, more like wanting to be in control. A part of me understands that but I can't help how I am/operate.