Newlywed48 Posted March 5, 2015 Share Posted March 5, 2015 My husband and I have been married for 5 months and together overall for 2-1/2 years. I am 26 and he is 29. We moved in together about a year ago. He had bought a house on his own before we decided to move in together. He had been living with his father before that, so when he bought thr house his father move in with him until he gets to retire in 2 years and moves to his home in florida. At first when we moved in together things were amazing, we got closer and became best friends, it was a total dream come true. As time went on though his father really began to interfere with our lives. My husbands father treats him like crap everyday. All his father talks about is money problems, even though he barely pays anything to live with us and has a house that is already paid off in Florida that he can move right into when he retires. Its always a pity party with him, how hard his life is even though he barely does anything. His excuse for never helping around the house ever is that he has been doing house chores for 40 years and he doesnt want to do them anymore, he wont even clean up after himself, and he is fully capable. Everything is a problem, he talks about how everyone in the world is so stupid and he is so smart, and how he hates everyone. once he is home not at work also, he does not leave the house. He gets a month off for the summer from work and doesnt leave the house even once, and i am not exaggerating when i say that, so my husband and i get no private time. He is always yelling at my husband for no reason, telling him he is stupid, and does not do anything right, always has an attitude with him. My husband does everything for him and he does not appreciate it, all he wants is a loving father in return, and will never get it. We have tried to have talks with his father who says he will change, and the next day its the same all over again. Now my husband is so on edge, i can do the smallest little thing and we get into a fight. I am on edge too, i hate seeing the way his father treats him. We keep getting into big blowout fights that we never did before, and we both know its because we are both on edge and that things would be different if his father was gone. All we want is a happy peaceful home, but until his father leaves in 2 years, we wont. I dont know what to do and the littlest thing in the world will set off my husband because he cant deal with his father anymore. Its totally bleeding into our once amazing relationship where we almost never fought. If someone has some insight or has been through thr same thing and wants to share that would be great. I dont want our relationship to be doomed over ssomething that has nothing to do with me or him. Thanks for reading Link to post Share on other sites
Auspecial Posted March 5, 2015 Share Posted March 5, 2015 It seems to me that the only solution is for your father to move. He isn't going to like that, but he doesn't seem to like anything, anyway, so you might as well protect yourselves and your relationship from his destructive energy, and cut your losses. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted March 5, 2015 Share Posted March 5, 2015 Until your husband talks to his father there is not much you can do. Are the funds available? Can you turn the house into a true 2 family or at least build dad a separate in law suite with his own space so you are not all over each other? For now, my best advice to you is become selectively deaf. Whatever your FIL is spouting about how smart he is or how awful your husband is, ignore him. Don't engage at all. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Newlywed48 Posted March 5, 2015 Author Share Posted March 5, 2015 Money would,be tight but we could do it if we had to have him leave right now. I know he is like living with poison, that talk is going to be the hardest thing. Not that their relationship is good and the fact that it may be ruining us, im afraid for his father and him possibly never having a relationship again. Link to post Share on other sites
Poppygoodwill Posted March 6, 2015 Share Posted March 6, 2015 You have to find a way to maintain your "team" against the FIL. You and your husband have to be on the same side, always. Supporting one another, sympathizing with one another, and laughing together about all the stupid things your FIL says and does (in private) -- rather than turning on one another in your anger and frustration. I'm assuming having the FIL move out is not possible in the short run, but you can change how you and your husband work together to manage him and cope with his destructive presence. So the question is, what can you and your husband do differently to work around this unhappy lump in the middle of your home? Maybe have date nights out of the house? Maybe go on weekend getaways? Maybe spend time each evening privately making jokes at his expense, rolling your eyes together at something he's said or done, so that you are allied against him, and take the heat out of it. You might be frustrated at how the FIL treats your husband, but don't blame your hubby for letting it happen. You know that he feels stuck in the situation. And your husband shouldn't misdirect his anger at you. So - in stead of trying to change your FIL, focus you energies on building your alliance with your husband and being a better team to deal with the FIL. Link to post Share on other sites
jackslife Posted March 6, 2015 Share Posted March 6, 2015 My mother was made miserable by living with her MIL in the early years of there marriage. Don't underestimate the problems this could cause. Get your husband on his own (have a weekend away) and put a plan together. You need to put on a united front and talk with the MIL. However, you need to be really strong here. You should be prepared to have him leave. I know money will be tight but the damage to your marriage could be worse. Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted March 7, 2015 Share Posted March 7, 2015 Your FIL sounds like a nasty and bitter man. I agree with getting away from him as much as possible. Date nights, weekends away and nights in hotels during the week. I know it's your home and you Shouldn't have to do to this, but without asking him to leave it's the best thing. If one of my parent's behaved like that, I would have to respectfully ask them to leave, due to the stress it was causing me and my marriage. Consider asking your H to see if his dad could move out and rent a place, because he keeps reverting to the terrible behaviour and it's affecting you both. At a certain point, he needs to stand up to his dad. If therapy can help him to do that, he should consider it. I know I'd be working late and visiting with friends to avoid the man. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts