what would you label this..?

[sandrawg]

So, I was with my ex for 2 years before we broke up, and we lived together for 6 months after that. I won't go into all the problems we had but suffice to say he was really selfish--that was a big part of the problem.

 

We were totally NC for a few months but in September, he sent me an email and wanted me back. We talked for hours and hours, three weeks straight..crying, apologizing etc.

 

It got to the point where we agreed to try again (albeit with conditions..I wanted us to get into couples counseling). We agreed to get rid of the people we'd been seeing. He said there was no one serious.

 

Well, he didn't get rid of this one girl. He told her he was sick--had pneumonia, basically. We went on a "honeymoon" type trip and while we were gone, she showed up at his house worried about him. I had to basically FORCE him to, at that point, tell her the truth. Which he really didn't do, he said "I ran into my ex" in the text message to her.

 

So..that incident forced me to distance myself from him til we could get therapy. Before that happened, I had helped him get a DJ gig for this group that throws kink parties. These parties are highly sexual environments where people pick each other up.

 

I was hesitant, given our trust issues to help him but he wanted the money. Plus they'd asked me ages ago to be involved with them (I'm a fetish model), so I thought I could be involved, also make money, and..I dunno, maybe I thought we'd have fun together.

 

We did, at their halloween party. But after that, I was still upset over how he treated the girl he'd been dating. I didn't go to the last 2 parties they held.

 

The group leader called me up and invited me to work at their party Feb 28th. I accepted. But then he told me later..my ex and some girl, had flirted at the 2 parties I did NOT go to. When I confronted my ex, he said it got blown out of proportion, so I contacted the girl.

 

Apparently he was wasted at the first party. Invited her back to his house. She heard he had "girl problems" but flirted with him anyway. 2nd party, he was sober, and she initiated all the flirting. But yet again, he invited her to stay at his house (she had driven a long way to the party).

 

Before I found out about all this, I had made an appointment with a couples counselor. When I found out he'd done all this, and that I'd had to hear about it from SOMEONE ELSE...I was livid. I told him if he didn't quit these parties, I was canceling the therapy appointment and he'd never hear from me again.

 

Mind you, he doesn't even make any money at these parties, and they're only once a month. But he wants to keep doing them because he can play what he wants. He told me, why don't you quit YOUR profession..which is ridiculous because a) MY profession, pays my bills and b) I've never tried to sleep with anyone in MY job, like he did at these parties.

 

He's also said, I was so mean to him as a result of what he did at these parties, and because of this, our chances at having a relationship are not good, so why should he quit?

 

Which I just find ridiculous.

 

I know this is total douche, selfish manipulative behavior, and I should just be done with him.

 

I'm struggling though, with what this is. Is he just a total narcisssst? I mean, i feel he is totally trying to manipulate me, with these INSANE rationalizations, to get what he wants.

 

But I don't know how to label this kind of manipulation. It seems narcsissistic. Something is definitely wrong with his brain.

 

I guarantee if the shoe were on the other foot, he'd make ME quit.

[KBarletta]

I'd label it self-centered.

 

He sounds like someone who is always going to do what is best for HIM and always put his needs ahead of yours or the relationship. If you want to label it narcissism, maybe that's it. Self-centered, selfish, definitely.

 

It sounds like you need to drop your plans to work on the relationship, as he is not invested in it. He doesn't view the chances of rebuilding your relationship as good, so he's doing his own thing. I'd let him do it, move on and not look back.

[sandrawg]

Yeah, that pretty much matches with how he's behaved this whole time..very self-centered.

 

Yet, he'll tell me I'm the one he wants to spend the rest of his life with..he wants to die in my arms, yada yada..it's all b.s. if you ask me.

 

I'd label it self-centered.

 

He sounds like someone who is always going to do what is best for HIM and always put his needs ahead of yours or the relationship. If you want to label it narcissism, maybe that's it. Self-centered, selfish, definitely.

 

It sounds like you need to drop your plans to work on the relationship, as he is not invested in it. He doesn't view the chances of rebuilding your relationship as good, so he's doing his own thing. I'd let him do it, move on and not look back.