Message to All Men: Stop randomly approaching girls

[carhill]

Whether in person or via other means, had I not randomly approached women I never would have dated nor had any girlfriends, nor would I have ever been married. Hence, while I can certainly respect the OP's perspective, for myself it would have meant a life of solo celibacy.

 

However, in the years since divorcing, I have followed the OP's directive and have enjoyed that solo celibacy.

 

Hmm, now that I think about that....

[toolforgrowth]

And I disagree with this. I think women should openly go after men, as well as men pursuing women. Don't lay it all on one gender. Men are discouraged to go after women nowadays. I liked that your other post encouraged interaction. Only thing is that I think BOTH sexes should do it in the day and age.

 

I agree with you. Women should be able to approach men if they wish, and vice versa. If any person finds another human being attractive, and they want to introduce themselves, why not? All the other person has to say is "Thank you, but I'm not interested." No harm, no foul.

 

I also like what you said about encouraging interaction, I think that's very needed in this day and age. The sexes are very divided, with both having preconceived notions and a sense of cynicism. Only through interaction can we all hope to smash those preconceived notions when more reasonable people interact with each other and become the societal norm, rather than the exception.

 

The hunter/gatherer dynamic has changed. Nowadays, most men aren't these big strong dudes who pound steel all day long and return to their homemaker housewives. Women have jobs as well and men sit at keyboards. Man lost power, but women have gained strength and the playing field is more balanced.

 

I'm a guy who sits at a keyboard all day (computer programmer), but I don't think you truly meant to say that men who sit at keyboards don't have power. I'm interpreting this as you saying that jobs that used to be traditionally held by women can now be held by men with no shame or stigma, and vice versa. I agree. Heck, it was my awesome keyboarding skills that got me into a better job market many years ago in the first place!

 

Working in IT actually gives me a lot of power in the workforce. I have a highly desired, but specialized, skill set that offers lucrative positions. I may not chop down trees or weld things, but I can navigate up the workforce pretty easily in this field.

 

The job landscape has fundamentally changed when we switched from the industrial age to the information age; it's gone from building and creating physical infrastructure, like roads, railroads, factories, etc., to creating virtual infrastructure via the internet and computer networking. One is not any better than the other (I like roads!), but I do take a lot of pride in the things I can create.

[Timshel]

Whether in person or via other means, had I not randomly approached women I never would have dated nor had any girlfriends, nor would I have ever been married. Hence, while I can certainly respect the OP's perspective, for myself it would have meant a life of solo celibacy.

 

However, in the years since divorcing, I have followed the OP's directive and have enjoyed that solo celibacy.

 

Hmm, now that I think about that....

 

 

 

Meeee tooooo.....now that I am ready to date again, I am counting on being approached. I won't do OLD and it's too late for me to learn aggressive, actually that belies my nature. Approach away I say!!

[autumnnight]

Was there a particular incident that happened recently that left you feeling this way?

 

I'm normally somewhat sociable about responding to people who engage me, but you do get those characters who "hit on" women in a way that's not dissimilar to a streetwalker plying for trade, or an aggressive salesperson. I don't think many people would enjoy being hit on in that way...but a normal person making conversation in a sociable way and perhaps being mildly flirtatious is really part of day to day social interaction.

 

So I suppose it depends on whether you're talking here about anybody who dares to speak to you in a sociable/friendly way while you're out, or if you're talking about guys who see themselves as "pick up artists" and cruise the streets looking for women to bother.

 

Honestly, the only women I have met who are this "het up" are the women who HAVEN'T had enough of this happening. You know, they are WITH the girl who gets hit on, and it hurts their feelings and ticks them off.

[Woggle]

Hackers can shut down an entire company from their basement so I would say people behind a keyboard have power.

[toolforgrowth]

Hackers can shut down an entire company from their basement so I would say people behind a keyboard have power.

 

[carhill]

 

 

 

Meeee tooooo.....now that I am ready to date again, I am counting on being approached. I won't do OLD and it's too late for me to learn aggressive, actually that belies my nature. Approach away I say!!

In the vast majority of demographics, letting it happen is a wonderful turning moment. I saw that with someone recently, when she turned on the 'boyfriend' green light and boom, bang, done. Guys had been circling since the first time the wedding ring had come off a couple years ago. It's actually quite satisfying to watch. Great lady and a helluva catch.

 

BTW, my winkie was a sarcastic nod to the clear contentment I've enjoyed since following the OP's preference, not randomly approaching and easily completely avoiding any relationship-oriented entanglements with women at all. It's become a quite pleasant and fulfilling lifestyle.

[Robert Z]

Hey guys, so I know a lot of you might not know this but it's time you learned.

 

I know you think the whole randomly coming up to women approach is super charming and cute but IT'S NOT. Women (Like me and countless others) feel extremely uncomfortable when do this to us.

 

 

I met my first fiancée by approaching her at a gas station. Women these days need to lighten up! Stop treating men like we are all pariahs. I think you've all been a bit brainwashed.

[Timshel]

In the vast majority of demographics, letting it happen is a wonderful turning moment. I saw that with someone recently, when she turned on the 'boyfriend' green light and boom, bang, done. Guys had been circling since the first time the wedding ring had come off a couple years ago. It's actually quite satisfying to watch. Great lady and a helluva catch.

 

BTW, my winkie was a sarcastic nod to the clear contentment I've enjoyed since following the OP's preference, not randomly approaching and easily completely avoiding any relationship-oriented entanglements with women at all. It's become a quite pleasant and fulfilling lifestyle.

 

Agree, I've been out of the loop for 2 1/2 years. I've needed it and highly recommend down time for anyone who finds themselves in an apropos place.

"For everything there is a season, a purpose...... Not rushing or looking really, just open for the first time in a while.

[Taramere]

Honestly, the only women I have met who are this "het up" are the women who HAVEN'T had enough of this happening. You know, they are WITH the girl who gets hit on, and it hurts their feelings and ticks them off.

 

 

I think it's dodgy to make these judgements on a board that has contributors from all over the world. What might qualify as being "hit on" in my home town would generally be friendly and mild flirtation. However it's not a tourist city and people here are generally fairly reserved. Traditionally Northern Europe has been like that. The people generally being a bit more reserved and pretty respectful of other people's personal space.

 

If that's the environment you're from, and you visit a place where people are far more "in your face" it can be something of a culture shock. I would have liked to know a bit more about the OP's background. Let's say she was originally from a Northern European country or somewhere else where she's used to people being a little more reserved/giving others some space...then say she moved (for work or study purposes) to somewhere that has a very different sort of culture. One where men will hit on women fairly aggressively.

 

Frankly I don't enjoy being hit on in places where it's more like "aggressive hustler chasing female mark". I travelled pretty extensively in my twenties. Places like New Zealand, Australia and Canada were great. You would meet plenty of people, but they'd be friendly and respectful. There are some places (and I won't name them in case there are people from those places who'd be offended) where it's not respectful and friendly at all. Basically they see women as "targets", who they have zero respect for...and any woman who would feel flattered by their advances would have to have pretty freaking low self esteem. Because basically they're hustlers who are out for a shag and looking for easy marks. And dealing with them requires a mixture of assertiveness and diplomacy in order to stay safe and avoid too many unpleasant situations.

 

Then there are times you might be approached by somebody with a drink or a mental health problem. In my first profession, which was a caring profession, I had to visit clients in some rough areas and I trod a fine line at times. Somebody like that approaching you is coming from a place where they

 

a) hope to get laid

b) have the need most people have for some degree of social interaction

c)have various social issues that result in them feeling marginalised

d) take rejection/the cold shoulder very badly. To the woman who ignores them they'll shout "I was just trying to be friendly" - and probably in part, they were.

 

So if you care about other people's feelings at all, you employ a bit of skill in dealing with them. You combine letting them know you're not the audience for their sexual advances with not leaving them feeling completely invisible or of such low value that you wouldn't even make a friendly greeting.

 

I know the OP's opening post is controversial, and I can see why people would be irritated by it. At the same time, I think as a board we could have done a little more to explore what her personal experiences are that have left her feeling this way - rather than just jumping in to show how much better/friendlier than her we all are.

 

And perhaps it would emerge that her thinking could stand some challenges and that perhaps she could would benefit from being a bit more sociable in her outlook. I don't know. It seems unlikely that she'll return to the thread - and if she did, I'm not sure how much help it would be to her. As we get older, the engagement of strangers tends to be more sociable and less flirtatious. That's certainly been my experience. It doesn't preclude the possibility of something romantic happening, and it's certainly more pleasant to deal with than the aggressive "hitting on" that happens to women in their teens and twenties. I have to say, I don't miss that.

 

I don't think young women tend to be treated all that respectfully, and I can totally sympathise with those who get impatient with the notion that they should be nice and accommodating to every guy who tries to engage with them. If the OP is a young and attractive woman in a big city, she's going to be encountering some aggressive advances. A few people have told her off for having smiled and made eye contact..but that could be in response to a guy saying something to her. I do the same thing. If some random hails me, I'll acknowledge them in a friendly enough way and then move on quickly. Completely ignoring somebody can actually be riskier in some situations.

 

I think that a lot of us on LS are older. Thirties, forties, fifties. If we get approached, it's likely going to be in a more friendly, sociable and respectful way than (if we think back honestly) we used to encounter as teenagers or in our twenties. The OP sounds young, and I think she probably needs feedback that recognises that...rather than feedback that expects her to handle what may well often be fairly creepy approaches (to a young girl) in the way a 40 something woman would.

Edited March 11, 2015 by Taramere

[Toodaloo]

I met my first fiancée by approaching her at a gas station. Women these days need to lighten up! Stop treating men like we are all pariahs. I think you've all been a bit brainwashed.

 

I'm not! You can chat me up if you like. Even if I say no it will have made my day!

 

I'll thank you in advance!

[AD1980]

I'm going to have to disagree with this.

 

This is how culture has been like for centuries. MEN are the hunters, WOMEN are the gatherers. Most MEN want to act like MEN.

 

Most guys today, due to women being so aggressive and throwing themselves at men, have become passive, beta, lazy, and put zero effort into striking up a conversation with a woman.

 

It has nothing to do with "putting a woman on a pedestal" or "blowing up her ego."

 

I have to say, because a good majority of guys turning passive and beta, it has forced me to become overly aggressive, and alpha and this in and of itself is a turn off to most men.

 

The dynamic between men and women NEEDS to go back to how it used to be. Men going after women.

 

And until that happens, we're going to be locked into this dysfunctional system of lazy men, overly aggressive masculine women, and this twisted dating world which neither gender can even navigate because the roles are so morphed and distorted.

 

Why do all women have to act one way and men another? Even human beings of the same gender are different not everyone has the same personality

 

Instead of whining that not all men are aggressive which would make your dating life easier how about you find men who do approach women because they're out there

 

But to expect all men to act the same way just to make your dating life easier is comical and selfish

[Elias33]

Maybe you just had a bad day. Cheer up, there's good folks out there

[O'Malley]

I do not 100% agree with the OP but I think(??) I can understand the opinion. Approaching women in public such as a bus stop or grocery store is a decision made based solely on physical attraction, and for some that can feel objectifying and make some uneasy and weirded out. Thats the only way I can really see it from the other perspective.

 

Also it may be worth noting, I saw a survey from a while back showing women would rather meet a guy during a "natural interaction" as opposed to an "artificial interaction" Ill see if I can find it...

 

These are good points that unfortunately seemed to have been missed by most of the posters here. I'm fairly introverted, but when I've attended an event where socializing is expected and intended, where interaction indeed feels more natural and flowing, I don't mind at all when strangers strike up conversations with me, I've met some really interesting people that way.

 

When I'm out in public by myself for whatever reason, there are days that I don't feel like being chatted up by some stranger and there's nothing wrong with my feeling that way. Not because I'm some man-hater or the guy in question isn't my type, but like most people, there are days I want to enjoy my time alone at the store, on the train, or on a walk without feeling obligated to respond to someone's overtures. And as Taramere stated, these situations are more reliant on where you reside - women who live in large cities often have to deal with strangers attempting to chat them up and hit on them on a pretty regular basis, sometimes multiple times daily. Who wouldn't get tired of that, especially if you feel like you're an interchangeable recipient of the numbers game? Society doesn't obligate men to be accomodating to strangers as women are often expected to be - the question to ask if why do some people place higher demands on women's openness and time than they do men's.

[Imported]

These are good points that unfortunately seemed to have been missed by most of the posters here. I'm fairly introverted, but when I've attended an event where socializing is expected and intended, where interaction indeed feels more natural and flowing, I don't mind at all when strangers strike up conversations with me, I've met some really interesting people that way.

 

When I'm out in public by myself for whatever reason, there are days that I don't feel like being chatted up by some stranger.......

 

 

I'm much the same way, maybe for different reasons. I don't like women (or anyone I don't know) coming up to me point blank. I've always been a fairly introverted guy and I hate being put on the spot, even by attractive women. I don't respond well to it, many times it has little to do with the girl coming up to me. Sometimes I flow, many times I don't.

 

 

I do approach women in all the situations the OP says not to. However, I go by cues and am usually 80% certain the girl is interested in me before ever going up to her. Very respectful to not put her on the spot and I try to make my approach not be an approach. I'm not going to try to BS you with flattery or be so obvious. I think women know why I came up, but I will play the game. Feel it out. Talk a normal conversation and go off that. It usually ends well....or I walk away without ever having extended myself.

 

 

Women are horrible at approaching. I'm always put on the spot. Always.

[Radu]

What Is Street Harassment?- Stop Street Harassment

 

This is why it's a smart idea to stop approaching guys.

It can be easily misconstrued as something else and nobody will believe you over her.

 

Don't be an idiot ... you have a career and a life that are at risk.

[GorillaTheater]

What Is Street Harassment?- Stop Street Harassment

 

This is why it's a smart idea to stop approaching guys.

It can be easily misconstrued as something else and nobody will believe you over her.

 

Don't be an idiot ... you have a career and a life that are at risk.

 

I'd certainly advise any man not to approach women at work. It IS a little risky these days, depending on the employer and its policies.

 

But if I'm ever out in the dating world again, I'm not depending on a computer to find potential partners.

[carhill]

What I've done, using the computer, is use information to determine where to interact with or randomly approach prospective partners in real life.

 

I've found information technology to be a markedly efficient means and actually confidence inspiring like a sharp lens inspires a photographer's confidence in capturing that once in a lifetime moment.

 

If one is approaching in familiar stomping grounds, nah, easy to do. If in new territory, information technology is a fast, cheap and effective way of doing recon. Recently, I found myself, while assessing access to medical services/transportation/municipal services, etc, for the areas I'm considering moving my business to, also assessing social potentials, the dating milieu, demographics, etc.

 

I imagine it exists but I can't personally imagine a world where I didn't randomly approach women for dating opportunities. The universe where men get dates seemingly out of thin air is a universe I'll likely never exist in. I guess it's OK to touch it once in awhile. No harm in that.

[GorillaTheater]

What I've done, using the computer, is use information to determine where to interact with or randomly approach prospective partners in real life.

 

I've found information technology to be a markedly efficient means and actually confidence inspiring like a sharp lens inspires a photographer's confidence in capturing that once in a lifetime moment.

 

I do have to take what I said back in part. If God forbid I do find myself single, I'm totally hitting up Taramere, who I only know through a keyboard, at least until the restraining order comes through.

 

But as much as I enjoy interacting through folks through a screen, it can't come close to interacting with people, including a potential date for Saturday night, in real life.

[Raines]

Guys, I'm not saying never approach us at all.

 

But there's appropriate places to do it. Like a bar, a party, work, club, etc. Those are places we SPECIFICALLY go out to socialize.

 

But a bus stop, bookstore, grocery store, or just walking down the street? That's a BIG NO-NO. For all the reason I listed above and more.

 

 

 

I can understand just randomly coming up while doing things like shopping, etc, and certainly would never do that.

 

 

But I think that would be more acceptable than at a bar/party. Because you know most people party for one reason and one reason only. To get laid. And, speaking for myself only, I don't put much faith in starting a relationship with someone I met at a bar/party, because I don't want someone that is a bar hopper or partier.

 

Work? NO. That is a HORRIBLE idea. Trust me on that one.

 

 

Seems there are a lot of horrible ways to try to meet someone though. So like someone else said, it begs the question, how are all these people to find each other.

 

 

How about if women did the pursuing? I can understand a woman being put off by being approached while clothes shopping. But I guarantee you us guys wouldn't be put off by that at all.

[Diezel]

Message to ALL women: The OP should not be your spokesperson.

[Radu]

You only need the accusation to fly.

 

As a comparison ... in dictatorships you always end up with a small outraged ... verbally violent [or just plain violent] minority to impose their will on the majority.

It doesn't matter if it's only 10% who believe this ... if it's the vocal one ... you are in trouble.