Hope4thefuture Posted March 5, 2015 Share Posted March 5, 2015 I have been divorced for 6 months. I have become friends with a man who is going through the divorce process now. We have spent more time together these past few months. We really enjoy each other's company and getting to know each other better. Is it wrong to date someone who is separated? Link to post Share on other sites
LoveMyCat Posted March 6, 2015 Share Posted March 6, 2015 Is the divorce moving along as planned/expected? Will it be official soon? If yes, I don't see why not. But if his wife (or he) is dragging their feet at all, stalling, etc...better to stay away until the papers are all signed and the marriage has been dissolved. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Hardgrind Posted March 6, 2015 Share Posted March 6, 2015 Hope, I think you need to be careful because there are some potential pitfalls with dating someone who is in the process of getting divorced. - First if the person is just planning on divorcing but hasn't started the process, you likely will be viewed by their family and friends as an affair partner who contributed to the break up of their marriage. - If the person hasn't filed for divorce yet, they could be lying to you with no intention of actually getting divorced. You could have years stolen from you in such a relationship. - There is a danger that the person may see you as a drop in replacement for their spouse during this difficult time. You should be developing a new relationship, not stepping into a gap in an existing relationship. Please keep these in mind and be a bit cautious as you move forward. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted March 6, 2015 Share Posted March 6, 2015 I have been divorced for 6 months. I have become friends with a man who is going through the divorce process now. We have spent more time together these past few months. We really enjoy each other's company and getting to know each other better. Is it wrong to date someone who is separated? How long were you married? And how long was he married? Not 'wrong' (as long as he IS actually getting a divorce and not just having a trial separation) but it could be too fast to get involved seriously with him. You both are fresh (you at least) out of your marriage. He may have emotional baggage to deal with as well as grieve the loss of his marriage and the life he once shared with his wife. Do they have children? I say, just be friends and take it slowly. Again, as long as he is actually divorcing. Did you meet him before he was separated? Anyway, take it slow and don't rush into this. People need to be on own their own after a relationship ends, let alone when a marriage ends so they can rid of emotional baggage, grow and rid of past dynamics and feelings. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted March 6, 2015 Share Posted March 6, 2015 I read your past threads. This post is very similar to the one you posted in December. "In the process of divorce." Does he live with his wife and kids still? Also, you started dating him a month after your marriage ended and you said that it was a hellish divorce and year. My concern is you've not given yourself enough time alone before jumping in and getting involved with someone else, who also is in the midst of a divorce (3 months ago he was still in the divorcing process, why is it taking so long?). Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted March 6, 2015 Share Posted March 6, 2015 Sure, it's OK to date separated people; beware that separation can turn into an affair too, depending on how things go. BTDT. If living separately and with substantial time of separation, less risk of an affair. Still iffy. I dated while separated and our D was pending. No issues. Met some nice ladies but nothing resulted. Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted March 6, 2015 Share Posted March 6, 2015 I have been divorced for 6 months. I have become friends with a man who is going through the divorce process now. We have spent more time together these past few months. We really enjoy each other's company and getting to know each other better. Is it wrong to date someone who is separated? I would have to say if you have to ask the question then you know the answer. And it is an answer that you do not want to hear. Yes it is wrong. Link to post Share on other sites
central Posted March 6, 2015 Share Posted March 6, 2015 (edited) Actually, physically separated, honestly expected to result in divorce? No problem. If you're not sure, ask more questions, and if not satisfied, walk away. I was separated a long time until my divorce was final (her delays). Plenty of women would not date me - their loss. Plenty would - I married one of them. It's a matter of assessing the situation and deciding the likely outcome. Edited March 6, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hope4thefuture Posted March 6, 2015 Author Share Posted March 6, 2015 I struggle with this because I am starting to develop feelings for him. He has his own house he lives in. We both have children. We have opposite schedules so we don't see each other often. We see each other once a week and talk on the phone or text every day. His divorce is in the final stages. Hopefully by the summer. I am trying to take this very slow because I don't want either one of us to get hurt. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted March 6, 2015 Share Posted March 6, 2015 I struggle with this because I am starting to develop feelings for him. He has his own house he lives in. We both have children. We have opposite schedules so we don't see each other often. We see each other once a week and talk on the phone or text every day. His divorce is in the final stages. Hopefully by the summer. I am trying to take this very slow because I don't want either one of us to get hurt. Why is his divorce taking so long? More than 8 months? You mentioned in December that he was in the D process. Are he and his wife fighting and having a tough divorce in the sense of settling? Yes, shield your heart. Try not to become too attached to him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hope4thefuture Posted March 6, 2015 Author Share Posted March 6, 2015 They finished JPA in December and working on finances since then. My finances took from April-August, so mine took about 5 months. Is that normal? According to him he is waiting for her to redo financial affidavit. Link to post Share on other sites
LifesontheUp Posted March 6, 2015 Share Posted March 6, 2015 I got married to the man who I dated while I was separated and going through divorce. For me, I didn't want to date seriously and was very open and honest with my now H. We fell in love I think it can be risky and depends on the people involved as some people start the divorce process and end up going back. Link to post Share on other sites
DivorcedDad123 Posted March 6, 2015 Share Posted March 6, 2015 I dated during divorce. My divorce took almost 3 years from start to finish due to backlogged courts,depositions,etc.,, It can be a long process depending on circumstances. Link to post Share on other sites
Auspecial Posted March 6, 2015 Share Posted March 6, 2015 I have been divorced for 6 months. I have become friends with a man who is going through the divorce process now. We have spent more time together these past few months. We really enjoy each other's company and getting to know each other better. Is it wrong to date someone who is separated? It isn't wrong but its foolish, unless you just enjoy being someone elses crutch and no real investment for yourself. Speaking from experience. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted March 6, 2015 Share Posted March 6, 2015 It's not wrong. Just dating a separated person has some unique pitfalls, the biggest two being that you may be a rebound & you will get dragged along for the emotional ride during his divorce. How long a divorce takes depends on many factors: the people involved (cooperative v. recalcitrant v. nuts); kids; the amounts of $$ & debt involved; the # of available judges etc. So just because your divorce took a certain path doesn't mean his will. I would keep dating him but guard your heart until a few months after he's free. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted March 6, 2015 Share Posted March 6, 2015 It isn't wrong but its foolish, unless you just enjoy being someone elses crutch and no real investment for yourself. Speaking from experience. The first post-separation relationship is like that first credit card you get approved for in college. You use it for everything you can think of, max it out and then set it aside and try not to think about it. If you're the other party, statistics not in your favor... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hope4thefuture Posted July 7, 2015 Author Share Posted July 7, 2015 Here is an update. We are still dating each other. He is now divorced. We enjoy spending time together but we only see each other once a week due to our schedules with our kids. I really enjoy spending time with him and want to see if this relationship will lead to anything. However it is difficult to see if this will go anywhere due to the fact that we don't get to see each other often. How is it possible to get to see this guy more often in order to see if there is anything there? Do you thinking switching weekends with my ex is a possibility? Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted July 7, 2015 Share Posted July 7, 2015 You can try switching weekends with your EX. What about your schedules is making togetherness so tough? Have the kids met yet? Does that make things better? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hope4thefuture Posted July 7, 2015 Author Share Posted July 7, 2015 I have my kids on Mondays, Tuesdays, and every other weekend. He has his kids on Thursdays and every other weekend. Our weekends are on opposite schedules. The only day we both have free are Wednesdays. The kids haven't met. We aren't ready for that yet. We have talked about meeting each other's families, but haven't done that yet. We are going on a trip in a couple of weekends together with my friends. However in order to do that I lose out on my weekend with my kids. I am a teacher so I have my kids all day throughout the summer so I get extra time with them, which I love. Just not sure my ex will be willing to switch. He is getting remarried so they will be together more often. Right now his fiancé and his weekends match. But maybe after they are married he might be fine with switching since they will be living together. I would really like to see if this guy and I have potential. It's just so hard to tell when I only get to spend 4 hours with him a week. Link to post Share on other sites
ChicagoSparty Posted July 7, 2015 Share Posted July 7, 2015 Let the reality of his divorce sink in a little bit. It's such an emotionally overwhelming and draining process that its really hard to gauge who the person really is while they're going through it....and it's often hard for that person to really gauge who they are, too. Let the dust settle. He might finally be free of a huge burden and find that he isn't ready to jump right back into it. Or maybe he will feel more emotionally available now that there is finality. It's hard to predict, so just be patient and don't push for more than what is presently there. If you really want to pursue a relationship with him, it's going to take a lot of patience from your end. Kids, schedules, newfound freedom, recalibrating life's goals and purpose....he's got a lot to sort out. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted July 7, 2015 Share Posted July 7, 2015 Here is an update. We are still dating each other. He is now divorced. Why the rush to get into a serious relationship when you're both so newly divorced? Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hope4thefuture Posted July 7, 2015 Author Share Posted July 7, 2015 Good question. I'm not even sure I want something serious. We have been dating since October of last year. I would just like to see if this could go somewhere or am I wasting my time. I am trying to take it slow, but I am starting to develop feelings for him. I just don't want to get hurt. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted July 8, 2015 Share Posted July 8, 2015 I just don't want to get hurt. Best way to do that is to be a healthy, whole and fully functioning person able to give the best part of herself to a relationship. Only you know if you're there yet and is able to make the same assessment of him... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
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