sweetbrokengrl Posted March 5, 2015 Share Posted March 5, 2015 So let me start by saying that I didn't ask for any of this. I did everything in my power to get away from my abusive boyfriend. I've never really gotten close to anyone...I completely avoided guys when I was a teenager because I knew what was out there and I wasn't interested in being disappointed. I've never had parents or family for that matter; I met my boyfriend when I was 17 and moved in with him after going through a string of bad foster homes.It seemed like a good idea at the time. I thought I loved him and I had no other options. By the time I realized what he was like it was too late. There was no escaping. In fact, he has told me many times that he would never let me leave him, and he has kept to his word.* We had our first child when I was 18. We now have 3 kids which he has used to make sure I could never leave, because money doesn't appear out of nowhere when you're forced to be a full time mom. People like to tell you to leave...but those same people often have family and the financial resources to leave if they were in the same position. I left him several years ago and he managed to get out of paying for child support with threats, lies ,manipulation, and his charm. With the same tactics he was able to get full custody of our kids that he doesn't even watch; I didn't go to court because he threatened me. So not only does he not have to watch them, he also doesn't have to pay for them which leaves me absolutely no options. I'm not a pushover; I really did everything I could and that wasn't enough. The local women's shelter is completely unhelpful. It's messed up that when you're a good person, every terrible thing comes against you.* I've always been afraid of what he would do if I were ever able to move on. And what scares me more is the thought that there aren't better men out there. That there aren't faithful, honest, good men out there with morals and character or even one that would be comfortable with all I've been through.* Does it get better than this?? When the time comes that I can leave him , should I just stay with him because it doesn't. ** Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted March 6, 2015 Share Posted March 6, 2015 When the time comes that you can leave him you should get away from him as fast and as a far as you can. Every man is not like him but I would rather be alone for the rest of my life than be with an abusive man. Even if all men were exactly like your bf that would still be no excuse for staying in an abusive relationship. You need to take steps towards becoming independent. Start with some counselling if you can. There are places that offer free counselling services or charge on a sliding scale depending on income. Work on staying connected to the world and not letting yourself become totally isolated and alone. I hope you are able to free yourself one day in the future. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
MissLilly Posted March 7, 2015 Share Posted March 7, 2015 I've always been afraid of what he would do if I were ever able to move on. And what scares me more is the thought that there aren't better men out there. That there aren't faithful, honest, good men out there with morals and character or even one that would be comfortable with all I've been through.* Does it get better than this?? When the time comes that I can leave him , should I just stay with him because it doesn't. ** First, if you are questioning yourself it is the first step you took to get out. Is he beating you? Or is just controlling and emotionally abusive? Anyways it doesn't matter. You can always move on, you can see in real life and at these forums how many people thought they couldn't but did anyways. it's a natural path. Second, yes, there are better men who will not abuse, will be faithful and devoted to you, and even if you don't find any man with these qualities you must ask yourself why you can't be happy alone, because you first must seek for THIS instead of placing your life and happiness at the hands of another person. Your love for yourself comes first always, and only this way you can attract a healthy, nice person in your life. Most important, think about your children. The things they may see at their home is not healthy at all for their development as healthy adults. Many children will repeat the pattern they saw on their homes during childhood. Can you imagine your daughter living with an abusive man, that beats and screams and throw things around her, hurts her pets, destroy her belongings, scares her and puts a desperate and sad look at her face every day? Think of your children. I know you had a though life, please seek some therapy, because we in here can't help you on your deep issues of abandonment but we can give you some support and encouragement for you to take the first step. Seek help, for your sake and YOUR CHILDREN. There is a better life than this, trust me! Hugs! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author sweetbrokengrl Posted March 9, 2015 Author Share Posted March 9, 2015 He was very physically abusive for the first 9 years up until 2012. That year my son told his teacher about the abuse. And just like every other attempt he has made to make sure he doesn't get arrested...he replaced most of the physical abuse with sexual abuse. That one hurts the most. So I keep a wall up and avoid most people at all costs. Then there's the emotional / psychological abuse. Most times I can block it out...but sometimes he gets in my head. It holds me back from wanting to leave and confuses the hell out of me. He keeps tabs on everything that I do from where I go...to how long I'm there...to exactly how much I spend. I don't hang out with friends. ..I have to message them online. I don't have guys friends. That would send him over the edge. But the biggest reason that I can't leave is...he's financially abusive. Any money I've ever earned myself...he would take from me. He keeps all of his money in the bank....I'm not allowed to have any...and if I have to go shopping...he will give me barely enough only after I've proven to him exactly how much I need. He refuses to be half responsible for his kids so that I can go to school and work. Because he knows that if I could I would leave. Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted March 9, 2015 Share Posted March 9, 2015 Yes! It's completely worth it! Completely!!!! I hope you break free sooner rather than later. Please get solid help for the trauma that's been caused to you. Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted March 9, 2015 Share Posted March 9, 2015 This may seem drastic and a very strange suggestion, But investigate becoming a Mormon. They will not let you suffer an abusive long-term partner without financial resources etc for your children. I have been a member for about 13 years. I have a testimony and believe etc etc etc. But I will say this, the church is the only thing that caught my fall during this time since July. They have provided rent, food, utlities and have sometimes covered the cost of my phone and gas for my car. They have also helped me move and provided me with a bin (one of those big ones) to throw things away. Lots of people go "leave leave leave" and completely ignore the heart-pounding fear and financial implications of such an act. These people are practically waiting to serve and help. I hope that this doesn't become a huge, heated thread. I just know that I was planning to walk away from my home and head into a shelter downtown with my daughter at the end of September because my living circumstance became untenable. They saved me. They didn't even blink. I've been a member for a long time, like I said, but I had no idea how much that they would help. No idea at all. Even if they were to think that I might be a fool or whatever (they have not presented as being judgmental at all though) they would never suffer my daughter to be in a shelter unnecessarily. My bishop listened to me for hours before I made up my mind on what I had to do. I let my husband know that I could no longer live with an untreated alcoholic. Oh yeah, somewhere in this, we got lice too. They brought me Nix to deal with it. Just an idea. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sweetbrokengrl Posted March 9, 2015 Author Share Posted March 9, 2015 And to be honest...that is my biggest insecurity. I've always been really intelligent. I have high expectations of myself and have really wanted to work and get an education all these years. But he has done everything to make sure that it would never happen. It's impossible to feel grounded without having done either...especially when facing the possibility of moving out on your own. I'm just venting here. I left him a few times many years ago...it would have been temporary no matter what considering my lack of resources. The longest time was for a year, and in that time I wouldn't even talk to another guy, let alone date one. The abuse runs deep. Being an emotional, feeling human being, I craved companionship. So I would go back to him. So when I ask if there are good men out there...I'm thinking long term so that I don't have to feel like I'm in a position to ever go back to him once I leave. For the comment insinuating that I place my worth and happiness in being with another guy. No I don't at all. I know my worth. I am grounded and independent enough to not need anyone else...and I couldn't possibly place my happiness in another human being, especially when I've never had anyone. Happiness doesn't come from being with someone anyway...sure some of it does. But happiness comes from a state of mind, prespective, from self -fulfillment and resilience. Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted March 9, 2015 Share Posted March 9, 2015 Whatever happens, please keep posting. Even if it takes a LOnnnnggggg time to build up the courage etc. to deal with this, or to make the social ties to do it. I know that abuse is VERY confusing. Even just verbal abuse is enough to screw with your head. If you can find a copy online of The Verbally Abusive Relationship, it may help you to firm your stance with what you already know. It helped me greatly. At the end of December, I knew where I stood. Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted March 9, 2015 Share Posted March 9, 2015 And to be honest...that is my biggest insecurity. I've always been really intelligent. I have high expectations of myself and have really wanted to work and get an education all these years. But he has done everything to make sure that it would never happen. It's impossible to feel grounded without having done either...especially when facing the possibility of moving out on your own. I'm just venting here. I left him a few times many years ago...it would have been temporary no matter what considering my lack of resources. The longest time was for a year, and in that time I wouldn't even talk to another guy, let alone date one. The abuse runs deep. Being an emotional, feeling human being, I craved companionship. So I would go back to him. So when I ask if there are good men out there...I'm thinking long term so that I don't have to feel like I'm in a position to ever go back to him once I leave. For the comment insinuating that I place my worth and happiness in being with another guy. No I don't at all. I know my worth. I am grounded and independent enough to not need anyone else...and I couldn't possibly place my happiness in another human being, especially when I've never had anyone. Happiness doesn't come from being with someone anyway...sure some of it does. But happiness comes from a state of mind, prespective, from self -fulfillment and resilience. This reminds me very much of myself, I am only now being able to come to terms with the damage from about six years of total garbage behaviour from him. I can see where he's coming from but it took me forever not to be afraid of him, and now he is self-destructing. I finally realized mid-February that I was always worried about him being 10 steps ahead. Then I finally figured out, he doesn't have a real plan at all. He isn't really in control of my life or his. He's just a mess and can't sort it out on his own so he needs someone else to blame and pick on. In deep, deep ways. And he figured I was trapped in it. And I was. Thank goodness someone realized how deep the wounds were. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sweetbrokengrl Posted March 9, 2015 Author Share Posted March 9, 2015 Sorry ladies...just trying to finish what I was writing, so I haven't responded to your posts yet. I'm not intentionally being inconsiderate of my kids in this. Theyre one of the biggest reasons I've questioned leaving. He has custody, and if I consider how things have gone so far...trying to leave and get custody of my kids might just blow up in my face. He uses them to control me. I'm afraid that I may not be able to take them with me and that he won't let me see them again. He is verbally abusive towards them. And he has been physically abusive. If I'm not around I can't stop him. Yes I intervene everytime he does something. No its nothing like what he's done to me. But the cops won't do anything. I swear he has them wrapped around his finger. I'm deeply conflicted as far as what I should do. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sweetbrokengrl Posted March 9, 2015 Author Share Posted March 9, 2015 This reminds me very much of myself, I am only now being able to come to terms with the damage from about six years of total garbage behaviour from him. I can see where he's coming from but it took me forever not to be afraid of him, and now he is self-destructing. I finally realized mid-February that I was always worried about him being 10 steps ahead. Then I finally figured out, he doesn't have a real plan at all. He isn't really in control of my life or his. He's just a mess and can't sort it out on his own so he needs someone else to blame and pick on. In deep, deep ways. And he figured I was trapped in it. And I was. Thank goodness someone realized how deep the wounds were. Thank you...that gives me hope. Link to post Share on other sites
loveboid Posted March 17, 2015 Share Posted March 17, 2015 Yes, there are good men out there. They are worth the wait. Link to post Share on other sites
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