Stupid things but it's bothering me...

[MissLilly]

...because I know it will come back later if we fight again.

 

Ok, I am on a LDR. He's an european and i'm a south american, and I was going back to live in his country permanently at the end of this month, but after what happened last week the plans are a bit delayed. Yeah I am scared.

 

My boyfriend/fiancé has a troubled past with addiction and went to rehab a few years ago. He's ok now, but sometimes he drinks socially.

 

He is a very controlling person. Jealous and possessive. While in my country I never went out alone or to bars or any "social" place, as all my old friends are married or I lost contact with most of them long ago. I am too a person who hates noise and crowds and I prefer to be alone in silence watching a nice movie or reading a good book or self teaching myself things on the web (languages, beauty procedures and treatments, reading curiosities and about the nature and space, watching documentaries on youtube). I only like rock n roll bars, and when I go with a partner or very close friends but I don't go out with friends since college a few years ago.

 

My boyfriend, like I said, is completely possessive. I sometimes walk on eggshells with him. I always tell him where I go and when and with whom (usually I go out only for walking with my mom or at the market to shop groceries).

 

He does this too, warns me when he is home, when he's leaving to visit his parents, goes out shopping etc. BUT there were I don't know 10 times since i'm here in my country he left alone to bars, drank til passed out and didn't let me know. These are the only times he never tells me where he is going, he says "will lunch at mom, be back by 4 pm" and then a lot of hours after this pass by and no news of him. When this happens I know he's at the bars. I too get worried (he's a person with a very short temper) because of any accident or fight he can pick at these places. Or flirting around maybe??? I won't lie it bothers me since I go nowhere for him to be worried about me.

 

Anyways we picked up fights pretty bad because of this. I feel I commit too much, having even deleted my facebook account because it always annoyed him. He used to check all my friends and if someone new was added I had to answer billions of questions and I decided to not bother anymore. Got rid of it.

 

Last week he did it again and I got a very extreme nervous breakdown. I just felt I was doing too much, giving up of too many things to keep him "safe" in his comfort zone, but he wasn't doing the same for me going to bars and getting drunk. I made it a clear boundary in order to keep this relationship healthy at a long distance and he broke it SEVERAL times. I called him and said I was going to a bar too, and he got pissed in there and broke his own phone

 

I ended up not going to a bar because my family would be worried... but I unlocked my facebook account and started to post music videos on a group I really enjoy. An unknown guy from there added me, and I was so angry at my boyfriend I accepted the request.

 

I didn't speak a word to this guy at all but he liked my public profile picture. I felt bad somehow, got rid of the guy but didn't hide the "like" from anyone to see.

 

Well my boyfriend saw it and as expected created a huge scene accusing me of cheating. I never CHEATED on him. I talked to male friends before (ppl I know for many years) and he still considers this cheating. I never spoke romantically to any man after we started dating, I talked normally to men from family or long therm old friends. Adding a guy who liked a picture of mine was plain cheating to him and he said he doesn't trust me.

 

We discussed and I got tired. For the first time I didn't care anymore, but he got surprised by my reaction. I'm truly, truly tired of fighting all the time, dealing with his stuff and letting them go and having him pick on me because somebody liked a photo of mine. If it only ended there but no, I know in a few months he will bring this back again because he brings back things like this all the time, since i met him (I used to have a lot of people on facebook for gaming partners when I played there, when we started to date I removed 90% of people in there and kept only family and school/college friends).

 

I feel our relationship is rocky right now. I feel detached and I feel he is too. Today we saw each other on skype for the first time since the fight. We were just chatting through text before and when he called he asked me if I still liked what I was seeing (him). He said he still likes me very much, but I don't feel it.

 

I feel very discouraged in betting a future under these circumstances. Bothers me being on stand by in here too, and I'm in the middle of a huge depression and personal conflicts. I even started writing a personal memoir from a past abusive relationship to exorcize the demons I carry still, and I feel worthless.

 

I don't know what to do. If i stay, if I go. If things will get better or worse. I love him but I fear him... the fights, the loneliness. I will be alone in a country in which I will only have him. And at the same time when I feel the relationship is melting on my hands I want to die.

 

Please advise me.

[MissLilly]

I will add too I'm kinda of a romantic. He never came to my place to visit, and I let this go because I know he's working hard in there just to be able to survive... but I still have a lot of effort to do, a 10h trip, immigration questioning... adapting to the culture, being alone all day while he works, doing the house work (which I like). If I go we will have a long way to run in order for me to stay and I will pay all my own expenses, the trip, the documents, everything. Plus will need help from my family to survive until I can get a job in there.

 

I never asked so much of any relationship I had. I don't know why I feel changed. I feel I wanted somebody to do something big for me too I went there 2 times already, had very good and very bad moments when we were together, I easily forget the bad and remember the good ones and this is what keeps me hanging on there.

 

I offered him a trip to visit me last december, I live in a very famous touristic south american city; he was going to ask a few days at his work to visit me but instead a huge fight happened and he tried to kill himself and got the days off (the ones he was supposed to come and see me) to rest at home. This happened on xmas day and I had a terrible end of year again, as any other year of my life.

 

I don't know, I wanna cry so much. I did so much for anybody I loved, I wanted to at least once get something done for me too.

[SJS]

I didn't even have to read the entire thing...this is your dad, and you are your mom. You are going to repeat what you hated most.

[badpenny]

I didn't even have to read the entire thing...this is your dad, and you are your mom. You are going to repeat what you hated most.

 

I'm inclined to agree.

 

You're just repeating a destructive pattern because it's all you know.

 

The only way to get out of this cycle is to stop what you're doing and refuse to be a victim to your past circumstances.

 

You really do NOT want to get into the 'lather/rinse/repeat' pattern of yesteryear, otherwise we're reading about yet another domestic abuse statistic.

 

Quit this, quit it now, and resolve to do better.

And by the looks of it, "Alone" is better. MILES better.

[ExpatInItaly]

Stay away from this guy. He doesn't love you. He loves power and control. Moving to him would be the worst mistake of your life - I guarantee it.

 

If you did go, would you have a job? How would obtain a work or residency permit? Do you speak the local language? I ask because I fear you would be entirely dependent on him. Again, a huge mistake.

Edited March 6, 2015 by ExpatInItaly

[justwhoiam]

I don't know anything about your parents.

 

But what you described is pretty worrisome.

 

He has a past as an addict (alcohol? Drugs? Both?!). Althought he presumably gave up his addiction, he still and continually has a bad temper. He even got into a bad fight on Christmas! With supposedly some kind of physical injuries, if he waited a while before going back to work.

 

What he does obviously affects you and the relationship. But he made no effort to commit to you seriously. He cancelled the trip to visit you with no possibility to make up for it later. It couldn't even be postponed.

 

Seing all these redflags, how can you even plan a stable life with this man?

 

1) Where does he live?

2) What kind of family/support/environment does he have?

3) What does he do?

4) Is his job temporary or permanent?

5) How much does he make?

6) You said you'd be taking care of the house. Bad mistake. Who's doing house chores in his home right now? They need to be shared, not all on you.

7) Even living in a different country while being 100% supported by your parents is a huge mistake. I think you need to rethink your plan.

[MissLilly]

Stay away from this guy. He doesn't love you. He loves power and control. Moving to him would be the worst mistake of your life - I guarantee it.

 

If you did go, would you have a job? How would obtain a work or residency permit? Do you speak the local language? I ask because I fear you would be entirely dependent on him. Again, a huge mistake.

 

I would need to wait and search for a job. I know in there it's a bit difficult now and yes, I would be entirely dependent (emotionally) on him. I lived last year in there from March til November and I had terrible bad times. Oh, yes, we speak the same language.

 

Yesterday I wrote him a letter but i'm training self control, so before I could send anything I wrote my frustrations on a note and kept it on my computer.

 

Today, again, I'm stressed, because it's friday, I have nowhere to go (after the last fight I dismissed a friend of mine's invitation to go out) and there he is... "I'm going there to visit mom, be back in 1 h, wait for me" and here I am again waiting and it's past already 3 hours.

 

Our dynamics are affecting everything in my life; the relationship with my family (I am so upset right now didn't even say goodbye to my dad, he is traveling tonight and I'm always scared of plane trips); my professional life, my personal well being, even my dog I'm not giving the attention she deserves (she's not being mistreated as she lives with my parents and they love her very much, is real attention like longer walks, playing with her and etc).

 

Today I reached a point I'm totally fed up. I will just disappear. No answering phone calls, no skype messages. I will be gone without a word. I'm truly upset.

 

I reopened my facebook because it's not fair. I don't care about it at all but i'm reclaiming my freedom.

 

It will be a very long night. Will come back later or tomorrow to update this thread.

[justwhoiam]

Yeah, you shouldn't take any crap from this guy. Sorry. And you keep taking it.

 

If he's 3 hours late, call him. If he doesn't answer the phone and that's a habit for him, you set a wrong pattern. And accepting this kind of behavior is not good. He can walk all over you with your permission!

 

So, unless you can handle him right and take no crap from him, you'd better off without this man.

[MissLilly]

Things happen pretty fast in here.

 

As an update he came home, drunk as I was expecting. He called me from his home phone and started saying he loves me, asking when i am going and saying he is drinking because i'm not there.

 

I tried to not reply anything at the phone to not cause any unnecessary argument. We went to skype and I vented a bit... how my life is on hold because of this, how everything is affecting my relationship with my family and pet, how i am delaying things... because i'm waiting for the magical day he will show I can go and live in there safely and without regrets.

 

We didn't fight but as expected he became very emotional and asked me to block him from skype, started to write in caps he loves me a billion times, he wants me there etc etc. I just said coldly I'm taking a bath now (and that's true ) because today, or any day after TODAY, I'm not taking anymore bs.

 

I DON'T want an alcoholic husband. I just don't. I was never an alcoholic, but I gave my tries in a lot of stuff and except for being a smoker (bad habit i'm trying to break but the anxiety of all this is not helping) I want to have a healthy home in the future. I'm tired of drama SO MUCH and this is pure drama.

[ExpatInItaly]

Things happen pretty fast in here.

 

As an update he came home, drunk as I was expecting. He called me from his home phone and started saying he loves me, asking when i am going and saying he is drinking because i'm not there.

 

I tried to not reply anything at the phone to not cause any unnecessary argument. We went to skype and I vented a bit... how my life is on hold because of this, how everything is affecting my relationship with my family and pet, how i am delaying things... because i'm waiting for the magical day he will show I can go and live in there safely and without regrets.

 

We didn't fight but as expected he became very emotional and asked me to block him from skype, started to write in caps he loves me a billion times, he wants me there etc etc. I just said coldly I'm taking a bath now (and that's true ) because today, or any day after TODAY, I'm not taking anymore bs.

 

I DON'T want an alcoholic husband. I just don't. I was never an alcoholic, but I gave my tries in a lot of stuff and except for being a smoker (bad habit i'm trying to break but the anxiety of all this is not helping) I want to have a healthy home in the future. I'm tired of drama SO MUCH and this is pure drama.

 

So why on earth are you still talking to him? You won't get the future you dream of and deserve with this clown.

[Methodical]

After the first few paragraphs I was wondering what you see in this guy.

1. Controlling

2. Jealous

3. Possessive

4. Manipulative

5. etc., etc., etc.,

 

This guy has no, and I mean no, qualities that "I" find attractive. I'll be damned if a man is going to tell me how to live my life, yet do as he sees fit. "Do as I say, not as I do!" NOT HAPPENING!!!

 

It would be wise for you to step back, read what you wrote. Evaluate how this makes you feel. Give lots, and I mean lots of thought, to whether or not this is the way you want to spend your life...constantly bowing down to the whims of an abusive person. Controlling people are abusive, point blank!

 

I would like to think you love and value yourself more than to succumb to being his underling...a doormat - waiting to be trampled upon, time and time again.

 

Seriously, tread carefully!

[MissLilly]

Just an update.

 

That friday/saturday night he was terribly drunk. He called my house all night, could barely understand what he was saying. He was basically demanding me to be more understanding and asking me when I was going. I can be as naive as an "in love" woman can be but i'm not dumb.

 

I treated him well but I said I'm not taking his things anymore. I'm tired of him crossing all my boundaries and that's not the future I want for me.

 

I stopped talking at some point and he left a lot of nonsense stuff on chat... that I was "his", then said goodbye forever, then the next line he missed me, completely crazy things when you are a 36 yr old professional man with enough on your shoulders to at least stay put on yourself.

 

Next morning, I woke up with a single "good morning!" in there, and i replied back "good morning".

 

Nothing at all after this.

 

Today when I woke up I left him a letter breaking up.

 

So that's it, I'm single. Time to move on from this madness.

[Methodical]

MissLilly,

 

We don't personally know one another but I must admit I am thrilled you took an affirmative stance. You didn't engage in his childishness, nor did you stoop to his level. YOU ARE worthy of much better. The first step is the hardest, and you have now conquered that feat. It may take some time, but you are truly destined for much bigger and better things, you have reclaimed your self-worth! I'm proud of you! Stand strong and never settle for less than you deserve