janetl Posted March 6, 2015 Share Posted March 6, 2015 I am in NC for a few weeks. EA for about 2 years. No D Day, we decided to end it on good terms. xMM was the only man I have ever felt so much in love with. We cared for each other deeply. I think this is just lot of churn during the NC. I will get through this. But currently I am constantly thinking about what xMM's relationship must have been with his wife. He never talked about her. I never asked. He talked about his kids. We talked a lot about my past (bad long marriage, hard divorce). I never wanted to know about his wife when we were together. He never received her phone call while we were together: except once. He never had to rush home for anything. He used to be online a lot. But I still never asked or even tried to guess... Now I do. I wonder every day how their relationship is. Is she dominating? Are they still sleeping together? Does he love her? Does she? Why did he turn to me for emotional intimacy? Why did he not stop when there were so many opportunities? Does that mean he really is not into the marriage but staying for kids? These questions are driving me crazy. I know I will never have answers. I thought I will at least get the questions out.... Thanks for reading! Link to post Share on other sites
Poppy47 Posted March 6, 2015 Share Posted March 6, 2015 You won't have the answers ever and if you have gone NC eventually it won't matter. You had what you had with him and in a way you are lucky he didn't give you any domestic details. They might have bothered you more. I hope you get over this phase eventually. Cheers, Poppy. Link to post Share on other sites
cocorico Posted March 6, 2015 Share Posted March 6, 2015 I am in NC for a few weeks. EA for about 2 years. No D Day, we decided to end it on good terms. xMM was the only man I have ever felt so much in love with. We cared for each other deeply. I think this is just lot of churn during the NC. I will get through this. But currently I am constantly thinking about what xMM's relationship must have been with his wife. He never talked about her. I never asked. He talked about his kids. We talked a lot about my past (bad long marriage, hard divorce). I never wanted to know about his wife when we were together. He never received her phone call while we were together: except once. He never had to rush home for anything. He used to be online a lot. But I still never asked or even tried to guess... Now I do. I wonder every day how their relationship is. Is she dominating? Are they still sleeping together? Does he love her? Does she? Why did he turn to me for emotional intimacy? Why did he not stop when there were so many opportunities? Does that mean he really is not into the marriage but staying for kids? These questions are driving me crazy. I know I will never have answers. I thought I will at least get the questions out.... Thanks for reading! My H didn't discuss his xW or his M either. Our R was about us, not about them. I think that is more respectful, both to the AP and the BS. It's probably inevitable to ponder on their M now that your R is over. It's where he is, after all - and having cared for him, you want to know where that is. And, perhaps, to settle in your own mind whether it was the "right" choice. If you can make peace with it, in theory, it will be easier to move on... But in practice, if you feel it was the "wrong" choice (that he chose to stay for the kids, for the convenience, etc) you will feel frustrated, cheated, or... hopeful that he'll see the mistake and come back for you. That doesn't make moving on easier. But neither does the other - if you do come to think he made the "right" choice, then that makes you the "wrong" one, which is a blow, and hard to deal with in a different way. So there isn't really a good outcome either way - only a choice of different kinds of feeling bad. Be kind to yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
waterwoman Posted March 6, 2015 Share Posted March 6, 2015 "My H didn't discuss his xW or his M either. Our R was about us, not about them. I think that is more respectful, both to the AP and the BS." I quite agree. She was not your business and it may be that talking about her to you forced an uncomfortable clash of his two worlds. Link to post Share on other sites
Blu72 Posted March 6, 2015 Share Posted March 6, 2015 We never talk about our marriages. He attempted to in the beginning with passive/agressive snide remarks when he would be annoyed with her...I never entertained it and would shut it down. He never brings it up ever with me. It's none of my business. I do how ever get to see snippets of his marriage thru FB because we are FB friends. It's hard to see but it is what it is and still none of my business and I have no right to be upset with it. Link to post Share on other sites
Bittersweetie Posted March 6, 2015 Share Posted March 6, 2015 I didn't talk about my H with xOM, for a couple of reasons. One, I compartmentalized heavily during the A...xOM was one world, my M another. They did not meet. And second, when I brought up my H with x OM (which happened once) I felt so guilty and uncomfortable about it afterward, I didn't do it again. Because I didn't want to feel the things that made me realize the A was wrong. Just a different perspective, and congrats on your weeks of NC! Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted March 6, 2015 Share Posted March 6, 2015 I think that is more respectful, both to the AP and the BS. . That statement just seems somewhat hypocritical. Respect would be not having an affair with a MM. It's like I'll kill you with a gun, rather than stabbing you. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author janetl Posted March 6, 2015 Author Share Posted March 6, 2015 Thank you all for responding and sharing. I understand and agree that what xMM did (not sharing details about wife) was right. Any other way would be hard and worse for me. I still *want* to know ! AARG! I understand affairs in themselves are not respectful. But they happen. This is about getting over by sharing, healing and moving on: so we learn our lessons and about ourselves. Link to post Share on other sites
privategal Posted March 6, 2015 Share Posted March 6, 2015 He spoke little of his wife during wa but if he would it would be sweet and matter of fact. It was compartmentalized. But once he sent me an email on accident that was meant for her...it began with "good morning babe"...he called me that too and it was a reality check. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author janetl Posted March 6, 2015 Author Share Posted March 6, 2015 Well it is clear that part of the reason affairs don't stop in time is because AP's don't talk about spouses or compartmentalize. If my xMM had talked about his wife from the beginning, I think I would not have lost a good friend to an affair ... Link to post Share on other sites
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