Author secretdandelion Posted March 8, 2015 Author Share Posted March 8, 2015 I know it's hard to be honest with him in this situation because you feel so vulnerable. However, he sounds like the kind of guy that wouldn't lash out at you in anger or try to hurt you. I should also say that if you truly plan to leave... there is no point in telling him about sleeping with another guy. That advice only holds if you actively move towards leaving. If you don't mind saying... what country holds you and your husband original citizenship? I ask because that can play a role in what options are available to you. Also... what kind of Visa do you have? Is it an H-1B or is it more like an F-1? Even if you don't divorce... it would still be nice if you could come up with some extra income options. That would allow you to maybe have an apartment or just freedom to do things until your business picks up. I told him that I want to leave and we have to find a way to make that work. Haven't told him about the cheating yet as it was horrible enough. He was pretty understanding and calm. Cried a lot but I think he doesn't realize it yet... Germany and an e-2. He's the dependent on my business visa. Thank you all! Link to post Share on other sites
SawtoothMars Posted March 8, 2015 Share Posted March 8, 2015 I told him that I want to leave and we have to find a way to make that work. Haven't told him about the cheating yet as it was horrible enough. He was pretty understanding and calm. Cried a lot but I think he doesn't realize it yet... Germany and an e-2. He's the dependent on my business visa. Thank you all! Listen... Germany isn't known for fraud... and with an investor Visa you should not worry too much. You could potentially find some work under the table with whatever skills you have. For example... working as a photographer. Just post ads on criagslist and take cash only clients. I'm glad you took this step and I'm glad you are both on the road to a brighter future! Some day he may thank you for this! Doesn't mean it won't hurt. There is no point to telling him about the cheating. Especially if you don't plan to stay married or sleep with him again. Trust me I'm the first person to advise honesty... but this is not a good situation for that. It will just create a sexual inadequacy element to this emotional hit. Best Wishes on starting your new life! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Just a Guy Posted March 11, 2015 Share Posted March 11, 2015 Hi SD, Sorry to know that you find yourself caught between a rock and a hard place. I have read all your posts and sampled a few of the others posts. Apparently a number of people seem to have got the wrong idea that you have somehow ripped off the US immigration system and that you have used your husband as a tool to further your business and other interests. From what I can make out, your worst sin is that you erred in deciding on choosing to stay with your husband for reasons which were not quite valid( on the rebound etc). I wonder why you chose to move to the US on a business visa? Germany is the strongest economy in the Eurozone and is doing well as compared to the other nations in the conglomerate. I would have thought that you would have got better opportunities for making your business flourish there than in the US. Even supposing that you thought the opportunities were much better in the US why did you not initially go alone to test the waters and get your husband along when things looked brighter. That way you would have also had time to reflect on your relationship and if you so decided, you could break things off since you would not have had the pressure of your husband breathing down your neck. Also since you would not be married to him things would be easier. Coming to the point of divorcing your husband; if his visa is dependent on yours and he would have to leave the country then going back to Germany is not such a bad thing for him. I am sure he would be able to get a job especially if he has been in gainful employment in the US. As far as your business is concerned, could you not get help from family in the short term till your business picks up again? I don't know what your business field is but if you think it has a lot of potential then you could also get loans to tide you over the lean period. Business sentiments are picking up in the US and more people are getting employment. This could be a harbinger for success for you. So I would say think it over and come up with some positive options instead of being down cast and wondering where you can go.There is a silver lining to every cloud but you have to look for it. Cheers! Link to post Share on other sites
Author secretdandelion Posted March 11, 2015 Author Share Posted March 11, 2015 Thanks! Yes, some people seem to have read strange things into this. Of course, I didn't always make the best decisions but I am not a bad person. For your other question: First of all we're both in industries that are well flourishing in the US and here better than in Germany. And the decision of moving here was a dream since I was a kid and I wouldn't change it. It's my dream come true except for the relationship but I'm pretty sure that I'll figure it out now. Yes, my family is a great support but there's only so much they can do from across an ocean. Again, thank you all! Link to post Share on other sites
Chi townD Posted March 11, 2015 Share Posted March 11, 2015 This thread is so frickin sad. I feel so sorry for your husband. But, if you didn't feel guilty about cheating on him, then why didn't you tell him? Should have be no big deal to you, nothing to feel guilty about, right? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
writergal Posted March 11, 2015 Share Posted March 11, 2015 Thanks! Yes, some people seem to have read strange things into this. Of course, I didn't always make the best decisions but I am not a bad person. For your other question: First of all we're both in industries that are well flourishing in the US and here better than in Germany. And the decision of moving here was a dream since I was a kid and I wouldn't change it. It's my dream come true except for the relationship but I'm pretty sure that I'll figure it out now. Yes, my family is a great support but there's only so much they can do from across an ocean. Again, thank you all! Well it just seems like you lack empathy for your poor husband. I agree with Chi TownD. If you don't feel bad for cheating on your husband, why won't you tell him? You said it would crush your husband if you told him, but I don't think that's the real reason. I think the real reason is that you don't want to have to feel guilty for hurting him. I don't think you want to validate your husband's feelings of anger which he will feel, when he finds out that you cheated on him. How did you explain your reason for wanting a divorce? Something isn't right about this and I can't put my finger on it. Link to post Share on other sites
SearchingForMyself Posted March 11, 2015 Share Posted March 11, 2015 I'm sure the same is true for male cheaters. I don't believe there's a whole lot of difference between male and female cheaters despite all the articles written on the subject. True, but all things being equal, statistically speaking, a man has much more to lose with his wife cheating than a woman loses if she gets caught cheating With the amount of options out there, a woman can easily find a man willing to spend money on her for her goodies. So in reality, I think when it comes down to it, women are statistically less remorseful because they dont have to suffer the consequences more. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SearchingForMyself Posted March 11, 2015 Share Posted March 11, 2015 You ask me, most marriages these days are marriages of convenience 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author secretdandelion Posted March 14, 2015 Author Share Posted March 14, 2015 Sorry for the long absence. Just didn't get around to writing here. I did tell him and we're trying to work on a solution to get me out of the apartment as quickly as possible. It was horrible but I think for the best. I think it was the final "I really can't get her back" for him. Dunno. It definitely crushed him but I hope that it'll be better for him on the long run... I told him to get closure for both of us... Link to post Share on other sites
sammy7111 Posted March 14, 2015 Share Posted March 14, 2015 He needs to go back home and see how long you last own your own. Living in the us isn't all you think it is if you don't have money Link to post Share on other sites
Author secretdandelion Posted March 14, 2015 Author Share Posted March 14, 2015 He needs to go back home and see how long you last own your own. Living in the us isn't all you think it is if you don't have money You seem to think that he's rich and I never earned money. I didn't move to the US for the American dream. And we weren't rich when we got here. Believe me, I know what it's like to not have money. The only issue was supporting 2 people with 1 income until my business picks up. Well, no longer his problem. Luckily I did get some business this week and it looks like it's finally picking up, so I'll be able to support myself. Why do people always think that all immigrants are people without brains and no idea what they're doing and dreaming of the American dream. I never thought moving here was easy. Link to post Share on other sites
Tikkanen Posted March 14, 2015 Share Posted March 14, 2015 SD how long have you been in the US and how long were you dating before you were married? And how had you planned to support yourself if you came alone? Link to post Share on other sites
SawtoothMars Posted March 14, 2015 Share Posted March 14, 2015 Sorry for the long absence. Just didn't get around to writing here. I did tell him and we're trying to work on a solution to get me out of the apartment as quickly as possible. It was horrible but I think for the best. I think it was the final "I really can't get her back" for him. Dunno. It definitely crushed him but I hope that it'll be better for him on the long run... I told him to get closure for both of us... Yeah... it's going to suck for a while, but this way you both have a fantastic shot at moving forward. Most guys are kind of crap at understanding their own romantic feelings. In previous relationships I thought what I had was great and didn't want to give it up. I'm glad I did though... because what my wife and I have today is mind blowing. The chemistry is so strong... You seem to think that he's rich and I never earned money. I didn't move to the US for the American dream. And we weren't rich when we got here. Believe me, I know what it's like to not have money. The only issue was supporting 2 people with 1 income until my business picks up. Well, no longer his problem. Luckily I did get some business this week and it looks like it's finally picking up, so I'll be able to support myself. Why do people always think that all immigrants are people without brains and no idea what they're doing and dreaming of the American dream. I never thought moving here was easy. In the past most immigrants were people fleeing persecution or starvation in their own countries. Those people were rarely the most educated. Also... most people think of immigrants as illegal Latins. What is the American Dream anyway? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
LifeWasted Posted March 15, 2015 Share Posted March 15, 2015 Wow. I'm speechless. I've never read anything so cold. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Eagle's-bargain Posted March 20, 2015 Share Posted March 20, 2015 I didn't move to the US for the American dream. SD (Moll Flanders?), so you moved for money? I blamed a lot on our lousy sex life. Thought that better sex would make things better. First tried making it better with him and than the affair. Had the affair, didn't even really care. That made me realize that that wasn't the problem and that I was the problem. I know I have to find a way out. Just need to figure out how. You sound like a robot! You have to betray someone to figure out you're the problem? It really isn't about the affair, it's a deeper problem, that I tried to solve with an affair (yes, I know that was a stupid idea and recipe for disaster). You either married the wrong guy, or the wrong guy married you. Either way you F***ed up. From reading your replies it still gives me the vibe that you're just trying to save your own life, academically, financially, and socially. Just so you can move on. I don't really see you doing much more than that, other than trying to save grace or face... I'm no cup-cake, but you messed up hardcore, and it doesn't seem to me like you feel anything (other than shame for being potentially caught in this situation). I don't sense remorse, only "how can I get through this difficult patch." A human-being, who is used, abused, and whatnot, is not a patch or chapter in someone's life. Sure, you have YOUR life. But unless you want to be used like toilet paper, don't treat others the same. It seems to me you enjoyed your husband's life for its physical and monetary convenience. It's kind of sad actually. I feel bad for him, unless he's in on it. Then why bother with a divorce? After all, your focus is your life? Why should you care? 5 years from now, people won't even remember you were married or hurt him. You'll find someone new who you can hide your past from and move on. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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