Just had my first affair. And not feeling guilty. Wrong?

[secretdandelion]

No, I can't take any kind of extra income. And am pretty limited in what I can actually do within my business. So no way to change the financial situation without the business picking up.

 

I didn't cheat because he didn't have enough experience, I chose because I wanted to see if it's the sex that is keeping me from being happy. I know it's wrong and believe me I feel guilty that I don't feel bad about it.

 

Planning to talk to him this weekend, thanks for the encouragement and "buttkick" everyone.

 

I want to find a way out of this mess, just not sure how. But by now I am sure that this is not the future and I have to figure out, how to get out....

 

Thanks, everyone, I appreciate the honesty! Really, I do.

[1040]

This is a depressing website.

[DbleBetrayal]

A long time ago, I read an article and it stated that a lot of women don't feel guilty about cheating until they're caught. Once they get caught, THEN the guilt probably creeps in because they actually see the pain and hurt that their actions have caused. But, until that happens they develop and internalized justification.

 

 

That's not me saying that, it was the article. But, it does make some sense.

 

I'm sure the same is true for male cheaters. I don't believe there's a whole lot of difference between male and female cheaters despite all the articles written on the subject.

[Mr. Lucky]

I didn't cheat because he didn't have enough experience, I chose because I wanted to see if it's the sex that is keeping me from being happy. I know it's wrong and believe me I feel guilty that I don't feel bad about it.

 

How did the affair clarify your thoughts on sex and happiness?

 

Mr. Lucky

[secretdandelion]

I blamed a lot on our lousy sex life. Thought that better sex would make things better. First tried making it better with him and than the affair. Had the affair, didn't even really care. That made me realize that that wasn't the problem and that I was the problem.

 

I know I have to find a way out. Just need to figure out how.

[harrybrown]

I hope you used protection.

 

If he gets an std from you, that could be a big bomb on your situation.

 

Do think for a minute that he is human.(your H)

 

It will hurt when he finds out. Just imagine that one of your APs turned your head and you feel in love.

 

then the AP cheated on you. You would feel some hurt that your H will feel.

 

It does not seem like you love your H. Maybe you could separate, go live with family to prepare your H for the D.

 

Before you get married again, do see a counselor. If you do not feel guilt for cheating, you may want to see the counselor to see why it could be okay to cheat again.

[spanz1]

this is EXACTLY why people push back on Obama wanting to give amnesty to throngs of people trying to get into the US. So many game the system, and do so in immoral ways. marrying a man just so he could get into the US is not the sort of people we want to welcome to this country.

[Darren Steez]

this is EXACTLY why people push back on Obama wanting to give amnesty to throngs of people trying to get into the US. So many game the system, and do so in immoral ways. marrying a man just so he could get into the US is not the sort of people we want to welcome to this country.

 

I think you'll find immigration was happening before Obama. But kudos to you for managing to link this cheating woman to Obama..really says more about you than the state of immigration

[elaine567]

No, I can't take any kind of extra income. And am pretty limited in what I can actually do within my business. So no way to change the financial situation without the business picking up.

 

So if you divorced him, that may mean he has to go home (no visa), but would the immigration restrictions on your work then be lifted? Could you then get a regular job as a single woman and support yourself if your business doesn't pick up?

[Oberfeldwebel]

If I understand you correctly, this started out as a marriage of convenience. That being the case, I suggest that you be honest with him and find a way to live together until you can each be on your own. I get the impression you don't want to hurt his feelings, but bad news does not get better with age, so in a kind way be as open and honest as you can and let the chips fall where they may. He won't necessarily be happy, but if you just one day walk out the door, he won't be happy either.

[DKT3]

If I understand you correctly, this started out as a marriage of convenience. That being the case, I suggest that you be honest with him and find a way to live together until you can each be on your own. I get the impression you don't want to hurt his feelings, but bad news does not get better with age, so in a kind way be as open and honest as you can and let the chips fall where they may. He won't necessarily be happy, but if you just one day walk out the door, he won't be happy either.

 

How do you get that?

 

What I get from this is OP is self absorbed and totally selfish. I don't get that she gives a s h I t about this guy and used him right from the start.

 

Her goal, in my opinion, is to continue to use him while she gets her business going then dump him once she starts to earn money. Her issue seems to be how to divorce without sharing the proceeds of a business that he has made it possible for her to get going.

[secretdandelion]

Just to clear something up: no I didn't use him from the start of, there were years when I was the one with the only income and I just said it was "rocky" and we argued a lot but I always had hope and couldn't end it.

 

And I did not marry him to get a visa! My visa is the one that brought us here. He couldn't have come without me.

 

No, divorce wouldn't lift the restrictions.

[Oberfeldwebel]

How do you get that?

 

What I get from this is OP is self absorbed and totally selfish. I don't get that she gives a s h I t about this guy and used him right from the start.

 

Her goal, in my opinion, is to continue to use him while she gets her business going then dump him once she starts to earn money. Her issue seems to be how to divorce without sharing the proceeds of a business that he has made it possible for her to get going.

 

DKT3 - I don't usually answer people that are not the original poster. The purpose of the forum is for people seeking advise from individuals that have been in this situation. She has appeared to be respectful and straightforward to all here and therefore deserving of the same from me. You may agree with my advice or not, but that is not relevant. If you have advice that you feel may be more fruitful to the OP, then by all means, sound off. But I don't desire to engage in debate, this is her thread. You have been on here a long time, so I say this with all respect to you.

[bubbaganoosh]

The reason you don't have any guilt is because you haven't been caught yet but give it time.

 

Sooner or later your going to trip over your pants when there down around your ankles and when that day comes and you see the pain and hurt that you cause, you'll feel guilt unless your a Vulcan and have no feelings. Then you say your sorry and try to make it up and if he's got any brains he'll cut you loose..

[secretdandelion]

Thanks to all of you, I really appreciate all the help in this thread.

 

I'm working up the courage to talk to him. Just have to go to work first today. But definitely before the weekend is over. Just fair to him and unlike some people here think, I'm not selfish and I do care a lot about him. That's why this is all so difficult.

 

This would be hard, even without the financial and visa situation. But that I can't just move out and live on my own makes it harder.

 

Thanks!

 

PS: Of course I used protection. I would never sleep with no one without - not even my husband.

[SawtoothMars]

Thanks to all of you, I really appreciate all the help in this thread.

I'm working up the courage to talk to him. Just have to go to work first today. But definitely before the weekend is over. Just fair to him and unlike some people here think, I'm not selfish and I do care a lot about him. That's why this is all so difficult.

This would be hard, even without the financial and visa situation. But that I can't just move out and live on my own makes it harder.

Thanks!

PS: Of course I used protection. I would never sleep with no one without - not even my husband.

 

Ok... most of our resident knuckleheads and trolls are going to focus on the cheating. Please just ignore them... don't even read what they post.

 

Your problem is really simple. You are married to a guy that you don't love. You cannot get a divorce right away due to legal and fiscal constraints... that is just as true for HIM as it is for you!

 

I would suggest informing him that after all this time and all this trying that you just cannot love him, and that you know there are many other women who can. Wasting both your lives trying to make this work... won't work. Honestly... he probably doesn't feel the passion for you... he is just frightened that all other women will reject him too. What he doesn't realize is that while it hurts at first, the pain fades and he will be happier and stronger in the long run.

 

I say this because you may feel like you are protecting his feelings by staying... but in reality you are just making things worse. He needs to move on.

 

So... my suggestion to you is that you breakup with him, but delay filing for divorce until it is legally possible. That may mean borrowing money from him and moving into your own apartment.... or working out some kind of living arrangement with him. I suggest as much physical space between you two as possible for a few months. Do you think something like this would be possible?

[Quiet Storm]

Let him go. He deserves better than someone who's cheating or using him for money.

 

Too bad they dont have some kind of integrity test before they issue visas. You cheat, you lie and commit fraud without a second thought. We already have enough people like you living here.

 

Divorce him and work on yourself. Saying "I am not a selfish person" doesn't make it true. You are behaving in many selfish ways and don't even feel bad about it. You need to get real with yourself.

[secretdandelion]

Ok... most of our resident knuckleheads and trolls are going to focus on the cheating. Please just ignore them... don't even read what they post.

 

Your problem is really simple. You are married to a guy that you don't love. You cannot get a divorce right away due to legal and fiscal constraints... that is just as true for HIM as it is for you!

 

I would suggest informing him that after all this time and all this trying that you just cannot love him, and that you know there are many other women who can. Wasting both your lives trying to make this work... won't work. Honestly... he probably doesn't feel the passion for you... he is just frightened that all other women will reject him too. What he doesn't realize is that while it hurts at first, the pain fades and he will be happier and stronger in the long run.

 

I say this because you may feel like you are protecting his feelings by staying... but in reality you are just making things worse. He needs to move on.

 

So... my suggestion to you is that you breakup with him, but delay filing for divorce until it is legally possible. That may mean borrowing money from him and moving into your own apartment.... or working out some kind of living arrangement with him. I suggest as much physical space between you two as possible for a few months. Do you think something like this would be possible?

 

Thank you so much! I just wish they would read the part about me not marrying him for the visa and that I did not just use him... Because I don't and yes the affair of course was a mistake but it helped me realize that I can't make this work, so I am not sorry.

 

Your suggestions sound good and I'll try and work something like that out. Just have to finally find the courage to open my mouth

 

Thank you, really!

[secretdandelion]

Let him go. He deserves better than someone who's cheating or using him for money.

 

Too bad they dont have some kind of integrity test before they issue visas. You cheat, you lie and commit fraud without a second thought. We already have enough people like you living here.

 

Divorce him and work on yourself. Saying "I am not a selfish person" doesn't make it true. You are behaving in many selfish ways and don't even feel bad about it. You need to get real with yourself.

 

You should read the whole story before judging. I did NOT marry him for the visa and I did not use him. Before I lived off his income there were many years when I was the sole breadwinner.

 

And my cheating has nothing to do with my visa. You never made a mistake? I know cheating might be the worst of the worst for you but everyone makes mistakes and if none of them were allowed in the US the country would be pretty empty

[Quiet Storm]

You should read the whole story before judging. I did NOT marry him for the visa and I did not use him. Before I lived off his income there were many years when I was the sole breadwinner.

 

And my cheating has nothing to do with my visa. You never made a mistake? I know cheating might be the worst of the worst for you but everyone makes mistakes and if none of them were allowed in the US the country would be pretty empty

 

Like I said you need to get real with yourself. You didnt marry him for YOUR visa, but you married so that he could come here with you. That is abusing our country's system and its unethical at best and fraudulent at worst. You say you aren't using him but won't tell him the truth about his life because you need your meal ticket. You don't give him the opportunity to decide if he wants to be with a cheater or financially support a cheater. If that's not a user or selfish, than I don't know what is.

 

I understand cheating can be a mistake, but you don't even feel bad about it. You feel entitled to use him because you were once the breadwinner. You feel entitled to cheat because he wouldn't even be here if it wasn't for you.

 

I'd welcome someone to the US who made a mistake and genuinely felt bad and took steps to change. You don't feel bad about cheating on your husband, you abuse our visa system by marrying so he could come with you, and you aren't even earning enough to support yourself. In your mind your reasons are completely justified. So yeah, people like that can stay home. I seriously doubt the US is in danger of becoming empty anytime soon.

 

Sorry for my harsh replies but I think you are in denial about a lot of things and need a reality check.

[secretdandelion]

I think you really don't get it. I married him so he could come with me because it was our dream and I thought it was the right thing to do. I didn't marry him so he could be my financial support or whatever. I married him because I wanted to be his wife.

 

And I do feel bad that I cheated because I know it will hurt him when I tell him. I just didn't feel guilty.

 

And I did in no way trick the visa system. I am here on my own hard-earned business visa. And while you can blame me for the cheating and call me whatever bad names you want, I will not let you insult me because I'm an immigrant as I earned that.

[Quiet Storm]

 

And I did in no way trick the visa system. I am here on my own hard-earned business visa. And while you can blame me for the cheating and call me whatever bad names you want, I will not let you insult me because I'm an immigrant as I earned that.

 

I'm not calling you bad names or insulting you. You said this below, which is why I think the motivation for the marriage was him being able to get a visa:

 

When I was applying for my visa to the US last year, I had the option of going through way more trouble to get him his own visa or marry him. So we got engaged on Thursday, married the Monday after at the courthouse.

 

In your own words, you married to make it easier for both of you to get into the US.

 

We will just have to disagree on this...I want to be helpful by trying to prompt introspection and self awareness, but I'm only causing you to feel attacked and defensive. I apologize for that. I wish you the best.

[secretdandelion]

We will just have to disagree on this...I want to be helpful by trying to prompt introspection and self awareness, but I'm only causing you to feel attacked and defensive. I apologize for that. I wish you the best.

 

I guess you're right. But thank you, if you just wanted to help!

[secretdandelion]

Thought you might all like to know that I told him. He's really understanding and I think in denial. I guess there'll be lots more of talking. But I told him. That's a start.

[SawtoothMars]

Thank you so much! I just wish they would read the part about me not marrying him for the visa and that I did not just use him... Because I don't and yes the affair of course was a mistake but it helped me realize that I can't make this work, so I am not sorry.

Your suggestions sound good and I'll try and work something like that out. Just have to finally find the courage to open my mouth

Thank you, really!

 

I know it's hard to be honest with him in this situation because you feel so vulnerable. However, he sounds like the kind of guy that wouldn't lash out at you in anger or try to hurt you. I should also say that if you truly plan to leave... there is no point in telling him about sleeping with another guy. That advice only holds if you actively move towards leaving.

 

If you don't mind saying... what country holds you and your husband original citizenship? I ask because that can play a role in what options are available to you. Also... what kind of Visa do you have? Is it an H-1B or is it more like an F-1?

 

Even if you don't divorce... it would still be nice if you could come up with some extra income options. That would allow you to maybe have an apartment or just freedom to do things until your business picks up.