communication in your relationships?

[Lolla]

I have a very, very secure relationship. My guy is a gentlemen in every single aspect. I love him as he does me, someday we will be married but, there is no rush pushed on that... we are happy the way things are now.

 

We never fight about anything, have not had even one disagreement what so ever, been together 2 years, I am almost 30, he is middle 30's. We live together.

 

My question is, our conversation is so general sometimes, I mean yea, we chat about our days at work or play, we laugh and have fun... but sometimes I hear myself chatting about the weather with him... ya know, too general of stuff.

 

Leads me to wonder: If there was ever a problem, would he communicate that with me... I recently noticed something was bothering him, he was getting fustraded while we were playing a sport, I said hey, help me understand you, if something is bothering you, just tell me, don't get fustrated about it... he agreed and apologized, although an apology was not needed. His back hurt him (had sergury) and he was not able to get the right moves in for the sport we were playing...

 

I am just nervous that he will not communicate what's going on inside of him... and with being in eachothers future and all, I just don't want to have nothing to talk about when we are 70 years old!

 

Anyone experience this? Have advice for me?

[HotCaliGirl]

It's not normal or at least common to never argue about anything. When you visually see that your boyfriend is upset about something through his body language and he does not bring it up, you have to ask him about it - imagine all the times when he is upset inside about something and there is no visual sign so you don't know. That is not a healthy relationship.

 

Is he afraid to rock the boat by saying anything that is not on a positive note? Your relationship would be based on a fake foundation that is not solid and completely open and honest if that is the case. Communication is very imiportant and if he is not doing it, you should talk to him about it so that he feels more comfortable expressing his true feelings instead of repressing them just to please you. I think he cares for you deeply so makes an effort not to express anything to you that he is not happy about, but that can cause him to built resentment over time so you have to teach him to release and share his feelings and opinions with you.

 

On another note, it may be that he is not very intellectual and you need someone who is more challenging so that you can have more interesting and meaningful conversations with. I would go crazy if I were to talk about the weather and other meaningless topics... I don't know what advice to give, I hope someone else might have some. I don't know if he's not doing anything wrong but that you are realizing that maybe you don't like his personality?

[Lolla]

It is appreciated. You opened up my eyes a bit.

 

It is not that I see things bothering him all the time, just this one for instance made me think about ... "Hey, wonder if he is always going to be this way when something is bothering him".

 

Why is it not healthy if we don't fight? We just never disagree on anything, we see no reason to get all worked up about things.... We like the same things and are both so easy going...

 

I do have to admit that if something is bothering me, I will either tell him, if it is general... if something else is bothering me, I just figure out a solution for my issue in my head, I've always been that way... and the things I worry about have nothing to do with my realtionship ...

 

Afraid to rock the boat:.... Knowing him like I do, I would think that he would tell me if there is something troubling him, he is just so laid back.

 

Our Personalities match. Maybe too much a like?? He is a very, very successful professional, super smart, handy, outgoing, a hard worker, works for what he wants and what he has, is completly honest and faithful ... just nothing gets him 'going'.

[innerconflict]

My bf is more communicative than I am. I realized that before us, I was in relationships with men who were not into talking. There were many times when I felt that my thoughts and feelings didn't matter, that they should be swept under the rug. So now I find myself keeping thoughts and feelings to myself in order not to "rock the boat". But I am lucky because my bf is intuitive and patient with me. As time goes, I find that it gets easier and easier to talk about issues that may or may not affect our relationship.

 

Perhaps this is the case with your bf. He may not be used to sharing his innermost thoughts and feelings. I find that when my bf shares this side of himself, it is easier for me to do the same. A suggestion would to share something that is not readily known, to show him that you trust him. Step by step, he can be more open with you. No matter how big or small the issue.

[alphamale]

Originally posted by Lolla

We never fight about anything, have not had even one disagreement what so ever, been together 2 years, I am almost 30, he is middle 30's. We live together.

Not even one disagreement in two years is a major red flag. Never fighting or disagreeing is just as bad a fighting and disagreeing all the time.

 

One of you two is giving in to the other all the time and this will spell doom for you two down the road.

[Lolla]

Originally posted by alphamale

Not even one disagreement in two years is a major red flag. Never fighting or disagreeing is just as bad a fighting and disagreeing all the time.

 

One of you two is giving in to the other all the time and this will spell doom for you two down the road.

 

But what I don't understand is.... WHY?? Why is it so bad that we do not disagree. I have no reason too., nor do I think he does... we are just happy, we truly are the type of people that don't cause nor make haste, it's silly to us. There is nothing to 'give in to', it is just the way we are.... very simple.

 

I am just concerned about future conversation since that is all that is left when nothing else works! he-he!! We do not want kids, so that leaves just us.

[Lolla]

Originally posted by innerconflict

 

He may not be used to sharing his innermost thoughts and feelings.

 

 

This may be very true. There is alot we do not talk about, but I feel alot of stuff we should not have to talk about, such as our pasts.. (not all but relationships etc. stuff on that end) there is no reason for it. I don't ever want to know everything completly about him, when we are older I want him to say blahblahblah and me saying really? I never knew that about you. . . I surly do not think he is used to sharing his inners.. I am not used to it either.....

 

Don't get me wrong we do communicate, it is just more simple in answers then what other women would want from their men.

 

Innerconflict., I know what you mean/are saying about feeling like your thoughts do not matter, I have never felt like this, but I could see someone being in my relationship and thinking/feeling like this. Maybe we are just weird??

[Anon]

A possibility I think no one has thusfar stated plainly: men are sometimes raised to believe that they shouldn't talk about their feelings. After years of that, it can be difficult to just suddenly open up.

 

Another possibility, and this might have to do with you: perhaps he'd like to open up, but in past relationships, this got him in hot water. He'd say how he felt, and then get a bad reaction, whether his (then) girlfriend's emotional blowup (how could you feel that way) emotional meltdown (where's this relationship going?) etc. Simply put, in the past, perhaps he was not rewarded when he opened his heart and his mouth. Where do you come in, if that might have been the case? ALWAYS react in a positive way that he told you what he did, and TELL him explicitly that you will ALWAYS listen to what he has to say and will never pitch a fit about him saying it. Maybe you can be angry or sad or whatever about the *content* of what he'll share with you, but inform him that his telling you in the first place will never be received negatively.

 

I was in a relationship where my then GF thought that in order to have growth in the relationship, we always had to be moving out of our "comfort zone." And how did we manage this "growth?" She's ask me a question about how I felt on something, I'd answer, and she'd decide to make it a "growth" moment by twisting it around or starting a fight. It got so I never knew which questions were simply questions and which were so-called "growth" opportunities!

 

Another gal I was with was Meltdown Queen. We'd ba talking about something and she'd relate it to our relationship and start the "where is this relationship going?" thing, weeping, clingy... Ugh.

 

My wife and I communicate often very well but she is sometimes Miss Implication Behind The Question. She is prone to hyper-interpretation, so for example if I ask how her day was, I find out within minutes that she interprets that to mean that I apparently think she brings work "home" every night and can't leave it behind.

 

None of these behaviors made me want to really reveal my feelings about things, but my wife is a smart gal and is learning that sometimes, a question is just a question. A comment about the weather might be just that, not an accusation that we don't go out walking enough.

 

Perhaps you can reassure him that you're "safe" to talk to somehow. Find out how he communicated with mom, his exes, his sister(s) if any, and see if he's just gun-shy about it. It's entirely possible!

 

Good luck!

[Lolla]

Exactly what I wanted to hear, that is, because what you said relates entirely to my relationship. I always do listen when he needs to vent, talk about his day or whatever and I do put in my thoughts when he asks or I feel need to join in on his words.

 

After I posted this thread, that night when I went home, I did talk to him about communication in a very nice, non opinionated way. It was bothering me all day so I needed to get it out.

 

The outcome was great. I just said notice we do not communicate about inner feelings at times? He said, when we do it definitly has substance to it, which is totally true, I said I would hope if something is bothering you, you would come to me, he said absolutly as I would hope you would do the same...

 

I do not even think he felt the communication 'hang up' as I felt it but when put out in the open we had a positive all around 'feeling out' of eachother. I always listen and am supportive and don't judge any of his actions... nor does he .. reason we never argue.

 

I do not know of any of his past relationships, what happend so forth and so on in them, we do not, nor never have talked about our past relationships because it is not important, the relationship we have together is what is. He seems totally outgoing and open when it comes to his family, (mom and sisters) but I have noticed he is real fun, but general with them as well in some cases... so Maybe Anon, your really right on with that (family) and probably never had to dump feelings out, (said never been 'in love' before me, either have I) he is probably used to keeping thoughts in.. I am like this in many ways myself ..

 

I had a brief relationship (actually 2) before him, I dumped them within weeks because they were "Drama MEN" always digging and pitching fight when they could, what a turn off, and I jetted within a matter of weeks. You reminded me of them when you spoke of your ex Meltdown Queen... Boy there are way too many of them out there!

 

Again, thank you Anon.. Happy day all around!!