Hurting from doing 'the right thing'

[HurtOfGlass]

All you have is a snippet, a very minute one and you can discern him? Don't reduce this man by a very normal initial response to infidelity. People usually project themselves, is this you?

 

Sorry for the threadjack but I will tell how my I value my self respect.....

 

When in school, once some of my friends started stealing my lunch from my tiffin box. I noticed this for 3-4 days. One day, I mixed a heavy dose of laxatives in my lunch and didn't say anything. That day they again stole and ate my lunch. Within 10 mins 4-5 of them were running for the cubicle 7-8 times.

 

Thats how much I value my self respect. If I had confronted them about it, they would have got a chance to laugh at face. Instead I found a way to teach them a lesson where they will think twice before doing anything like this ever again.

[Ronnie33]

yes, I don't know her husband. But its easy to discern him from what she has wrote.

He is codependent and probably very low self esteem and thinks he couldn't do better than his current wife.

 

And such men are easily taken advantage of by women. This is not a case of choosing one's own path.

 

OP has herself said that her husband has asked her if he was inadequate.

 

I know no self respecting man would tolerate his wife crying over affair partner post affair and still ask for making the marriage work.

 

It's very easy to judge a person when you have never been in their situation. You think you know exactly how you would react but in reality you have no idea until you are there and faced with it yourself.

[HurtOfGlass]

It's very easy to judge a person when you have never been in their situation. You think you know exactly how you would react but in reality you have no idea until you are there and faced with it yourself.

 

Though I am not married, I was in a long term relationship where I got cheated.

[Rainbowlove]

Back to what matters most, the OP and her reconciliation with her husband.

 

Stay strong Southern Sun.

 

We are rooting for you and your husband and family to keep moving forward toward peace, forgiveness and happiness.

 

One day at a time together.

 

Focus on the positive energy and support given here.

[Southern Sun]

Back to what matters most, the OP and her reconciliation with her husband.

 

Stay strong Southern Sun.

 

We are rooting for you and your husband and family to keep moving forward toward peace, forgiveness and happiness.

 

One day at a time together.

 

Focus on the positive energy and support given here.

 

Thanks Rainbow

 

The only thing I will say in regards to the above poster is that I made the choices I did out of lack of SELF respect. There is no reason for me to share anything my H did or did not do in response to my A on this board, unless it is relevant...but I can tell you, he is a MAN, and I love him.

 

We are doing so good. Right now, I am grateful for today.

[HurtOfGlass]

Thanks Rainbow

 

The only thing I will say in regards to the above poster is that I made the choices I did out of lack of SELF respect. There is no reason for me to share anything my H did or did not do in response to my A on this board, unless it is relevant...but I can tell you, he is a MAN, and I love him.

 

We are doing so good. Right now, I am grateful for today.

 

Sorry if we got on the wrong foot. I didn't mean to insult you or your husband. I would like nothing better than to see you restore your marriage.

 

Everyone deserves a second chance. Thats why I am too trying to reconcile with my ex. But I have not made this easy for her. And she is willing to do everything that I ask of her to make me feel safe. (Nothing unreasonable)

 

What have you done to show him that your loyalty still lies with him?

 

I guess you live in USA. So there is a cultural norm to expose the affair. Have you asked your H if he wants to expose the affair to the BS of your OM?

 

I believe this should be done to make your husband feel that the OM has not gone scot-free

[Josmatjes]

Listen I'm not trying to start crap with anyone. I'm going to answer in peaceful manner. First, I'm only going by what she has stated and she said her marriage was good. Most women look for reasons in their marriage to cheat, so it is very rare to see a woman say that everything was in fact good. Second, I have been on this site and countless others like it, so I have seen affairs like this with most of the marriages ending in divorce. Again, having a BS that did everything right but still got cheated on is one of the worst to deal with. But you are right, we don't know if everything was in fact good. Like I said, im only going by what she has posted. Lastly, due to all the research I have done on this subject, one of the things I know is numbers. The range that WWs need to pay attention to is 8 to 10. In 8 to 10 months, 75% of the 85% of men that choose to R leave. I don't expect her to magically get rid of her feelings but I do think she needs express a little more urgency in fixing her marriage. Chances are she doesn't have a spouse that willing to wait around while she sorts through her feelings and she has wasted two months breaking NC.

 

Jos: Again, I wasn't trying to attack you. I was simply stating that she may have BS that isn't willing to wait for her like yours did. I assumed from your last thread that you and your husband were doing better, but I guess there still a lot of raw feelings, so I'm sorry if I offended. Now onto the truth issue. In my experience, ICs of course say things like that. They also tell you to keep affairs to yourself and make you feel better about lying by saying it's for the good of the betrayed. We actually have talked about that subject ad nauseam on this site and if you ask a betrayed, they will tell you that that is a load of crap. Keeping things like breaking NC to yourself serves the best interest of the person that is lying. I'm sure at some level they are looking out for the betrayed, but they are looking out for themselves more. MCs counselors on the other hand will tell you to be honest with your spouse because they understand that is what saves marriages. Not lying for your own benefit. Lastly, your making breaking NC sound like small issue. Im sorry but that is a big no no. I'm assuming on d day she promised her husband that she would end things and go NC. She broke that promise. Yes, I do think she needs to be honest about that. IMO that is going to help her in the long run.

 

Sometimes breaking no contact has to do with closure or anger or questions that you need answered, not to get back together with them. I have broken nc a few times, regretfully though, to feed my own curiosity. It was my problem, my journey...I may be married but I am also a very independent and private person and I needed to sort things out and heal myself. And my husband cannot help me because he just cannot understand. He can't grasp it. He is still in denial about many things. Every time I mention my feelings he clams up and won't speak to me. So to reply to what you are saying, I think full disclosure depends on the individual, not always whether or not you want to work it out.

[DKT3]

Sometimes breaking no contact has to do with closure or anger or questions that you need answered, not to get back together with them. I have broken nc a few times, regretfully though, to feed my own curiosity. It was my problem, my journey...I may be married but I am also a very independent and private person and I needed to sort things out and heal myself. And my husband cannot help me because he just cannot understand. He can't grasp it. He is still in denial about many things. Every time I mention my feelings he clams up and won't speak to me. So to reply to what you are saying, I think full disclosure depends on the individual, not always whether or not you want to work it out.

 

Men clam up because they don't want to have to deal with the pain.

 

Looking back at my own wife's affair, I knew, I always knew. I believe I knew the second it started. I ignored things, denied others or flat out rejected the notion that she was involved with someone else. Be I always knew.

 

Once it got to the point where I could no longer say to myself "she wouldn't do that" I actually had to deal with it, I didn't want to, I just wanted it to go away. To have what we had before. When it didn't happen it was time to do something. We all get there at some point. He will get there, and he will have to deal with his emotions.

 

Anyways, I hope all is well for you.

[Seachan]

Southern,

 

Sounds like you are still longing for your AP.

 

I think what DKT3 and Jbrent are warning you is that the clock is ticking on your M. Time is of the essence. As BH's devoted to their marriage before the A, they can give you a glimpse of what is going through your H's mind. Listen to them. You might still be able to save your marriage.

 

They are right about one thing, though. As long as you are dishonest, you are not a safe partner to your H. As long as you are fantasizing about your AP, you are not a safe partner to your H. You are not remorseful. Once he wakes up to that, your M might be done. And you will not have a chance to repair it.

 

You need to be honest at least with yourself and admit that you are in a false R.

 

You need to ruthlessly crush the "love" you had for you AP. Exercise the willpower you failed to do when you had your A. Good luck restoring your family.