Hurting from doing 'the right thing'

[Hope Shimmers]

The difference between you and her Jos is that you have a husband that understands that he contributed to the poor state in your marriage.

 

So from reading your previous posts and similar ones, it shouldn't matter whether he was a bad husband, right? It's not justification for cheating, so it should not be used as a reason for her H to be more patient than any other H. I'm sure there are many BSs who contributed to the "poor state in the marriage". Maybe or maybe not in this case. There are always issues - who is to say what matters more than anything else.

 

I think it's very disingenuous to tell her to take her time and sort out her feelings.

 

So you instead tell her what she should be feeling, as if she has control over that. You're completely ignoring the fact that she has to sort out her feelings if she is ever going to be 100% fully committed to the marriage. Don't you think that if she could snap her fingers and be over it, she would? Do you think that she needed to post here in order for someone to tell her "get over it" and she would say "AHA! That's what I needed! To be told to get over it!"

[Lurkeraspect]

I'm sorry, but no one who has been through the kind of pain can understand it. Just like I would never pretend to understand the pain of a BS. (Even though I was a BS, it was in a bad and divorcing marriage).

 

I don't know...pain is pain, and empathy for another human is just that. I've lost a child to cancer, perhaps you haven't, yet I'd bet you have a grasp of my pain. I certainly wouldn't discard your advice just because you hadn't been on my side of the fence, because your pain is somehow different. I think everyone's advice and input is valid and shouldn't just be discarded because they haven't worn your hat. Of course, I may just be old fashioned.

[Hope Shimmers]

I don't know...pain is pain, and empathy for another human is just that. I've lost a child to cancer, perhaps you haven't, yet I'd bet you have a grasp of my pain. I certainly wouldn't discard your advice just because you hadn't been on my side of the fence, because your pain is somehow different. I think everyone's advice and input is valid and shouldn't just be discarded because they haven't worn your hat. Of course, I may just be old fashioned.

 

I never said that DKT3 didn't "get" her situation. What I said was that no one who hasn't been through that pain can possibly understand it. This OP is looking for support for going through that pain. (On the "Other Man/Other Woman" forum where she is supposed to get support if she wants it).

 

I beg to differ. Pain isn't pain. I've been through so many different levels of pain. Yes, I've lost a child, but not through cancer - I lost ex-MM's and my daughter at 23 weeks due to premature birth. I would never surmise to know what you felt losing a child to cancer. What I felt was horrible, but I can't know what you went through.

 

Losing ex-MM was horrible pain for me, even though many people felt it shouldn't be. Didn't change it.

 

No one's advice should be 'discarded', but I think the original post should be read for context and that sometimes instead of the standard lectures from BSs to people who post on this forum, they should get support and understanding for the pain they are feeling that only those who have been there can understand.

[Southern Sun]

I'm going to do my best to reply to everyone here:

 

Rainbow - yes, I have lots of work to do. Thank you for your encouragement.

 

DKT3 - I am a little perplexed about how I'm not being honest in your view. I have done a lot of research myself and am prepared for the ebb and flow of feelings, and know that they will sneak up on me at times. But I am also prepared to just feel them and let them pass. I actually do see that you have my interests at heart, but I guess I don't like to be told that I probably won't succeed at something that is the most important thing in my life.

 

Jos - thanks for the back up

 

Hope - I appreciate your words. I can actually see that my relationship with MM was terribly toxic for me. I know that I can be NC immediately but certainly accept that there is much work to be done emotionally. I want my H and I on the same team.

 

jbrent - I recognize that what I've done is extraordinarily damaging. I am doing everything in my power from now on to make it right.

 

Lurker - I believe that is where I am. Making the right choices from now on.

 

Tomorrow I will enter the 3rd day of NC. Forging new territory and ready for it.

[jbrent890]

So from reading your previous posts and similar ones, it shouldn't matter whether he was a bad husband, right? It's not justification for cheating, so it should not be used as a reason for her H to be more patient than any other H. I'm sure there are many BSs who contributed to the "poor state in the marriage". Maybe or maybe not in this case. There are always issues - who is to say what matters more than anything else.

 

 

 

So you instead tell her what she should be feeling, as if she has control over that. You're completely ignoring the fact that she has to sort out her feelings if she is ever going to be 100% fully committed to the marriage. Don't you think that if she could snap her fingers and be over it, she would? Do you think that she needed to post here in order for someone to tell her "get over it" and she would say "AHA! That's what I needed! To be told to get over it!"

 

Listen I'm not trying to start crap with anyone. I'm going to answer in peaceful manner. First, I'm only going by what she has stated and she said her marriage was good. Most women look for reasons in their marriage to cheat, so it is very rare to see a woman say that everything was in fact good. Second, I have been on this site and countless others like it, so I have seen affairs like this with most of the marriages ending in divorce. Again, having a BS that did everything right but still got cheated on is one of the worst to deal with. But you are right, we don't know if everything was in fact good. Like I said, im only going by what she has posted. Lastly, due to all the research I have done on this subject, one of the things I know is numbers. The range that WWs need to pay attention to is 8 to 10. In 8 to 10 months, 75% of the 85% of men that choose to R leave. I don't expect her to magically get rid of her feelings but I do think she needs express a little more urgency in fixing her marriage. Chances are she doesn't have a spouse that willing to wait around while she sorts through her feelings and she has wasted two months breaking NC.

 

Jos: Again, I wasn't trying to attack you. I was simply stating that she may have BS that isn't willing to wait for her like yours did. I assumed from your last thread that you and your husband were doing better, but I guess there still a lot of raw feelings, so I'm sorry if I offended. Now onto the truth issue. In my experience, ICs of course say things like that. They also tell you to keep affairs to yourself and make you feel better about lying by saying it's for the good of the betrayed. We actually have talked about that subject ad nauseam on this site and if you ask a betrayed, they will tell you that that is a load of crap. Keeping things like breaking NC to yourself serves the best interest of the person that is lying. I'm sure at some level they are looking out for the betrayed, but they are looking out for themselves more. MCs counselors on the other hand will tell you to be honest with your spouse because they understand that is what saves marriages. Not lying for your own benefit. Lastly, your making breaking NC sound like small issue. Im sorry but that is a big no no. I'm assuming on d day she promised her husband that she would end things and go NC. She broke that promise. Yes, I do think she needs to be honest about that. IMO that is going to help her in the long run.

[Hope Shimmers]

Listen I'm not trying to start crap with anyone. I'm going to answer in peaceful manner.

 

Neither was I. Hopefully that is clear. That is not what 'disagreeing' with someone means, in my opinion. I would expect you to answer in a peaceful manner, as I have.

 

She can only - honestly - do what she can do. It's either good enough, or it isn't. There is no pretending. And no rushing it. Just as all of you have said that there is no rushing getting over the A from the BS's perspective.

 

I don't expect her to magically get rid of her feelings but I do think she needs express a little more urgency in fixing her marriage. Chances are she doesn't have a spouse that willing to wait around while she sorts through her feelings and she has wasted two months breaking NC.

 

I don't agree that she "wasted" 2 months. What I really have a problem with, frankly, are all the posts by BSs that say that once the affair is revealed they should (on THAT DAY) DEMAND that the spouse write a 'no contact' letter to the AP. And that they should then plant VARs in the cars, keyloggers on the computers, check umpteen million times a day that they haven't emailed AP, etc.

 

Really, if you have to FORCE your spouse to write a 'no contact' letter, then it's meaningless. If it can ever be meaningful, it can't be forced. Just like it takes time for the BS to get over the pain, it takes time for the WS too, in many cases.

[jbrent890]

Neither was I. Hopefully that is clear. That is not what 'disagreeing' with someone means, in my opinion. I would expect you to answer in a peaceful manner, as I have.

 

She can only - honestly - do what she can do. It's either good enough, or it isn't. There is no pretending. And no rushing it. Just as all of you have said that there is no rushing getting over the A from the BS's perspective.

 

 

 

I don't agree that she "wasted" 2 months. What I really have a problem with, frankly, are all the posts by BSs that say that once the affair is revealed they should (on THAT DAY) DEMAND that the spouse write a 'no contact' letter to the AP. And that they should then plant VARs in the cars, keyloggers on the computers, check umpteen million times a day that they haven't emailed AP, etc.

 

Really, if you have to FORCE your spouse to write a 'no contact' letter, then it's meaningless. If it can ever be meaningful, it can't be forced. Just like it takes time for the BS to get over the pain, it takes time for the WS too, in many cases.

 

But Hope that is the point I'm trying to get at. Being cheated on sucks. It's by far one of (if not the) worst feelings an indivual can endure. You feel absolutely worthless, especially if you feel that didn't deserve to be cheated on. Add watching your spouse detox from someone else is absolutely gut wrenching and I see why most people call it quits in those situations. It is not fair. I think one thing that you are ignoring is that she let it get to the point that she has to detox from the affair. She brought this on herself. And worse, her husband who did nothing wrong is supposed to accept this. I hope (no pun intended haha) you see the point I'm trying to make that that isn't fair to him. This guy did not ask to be cheated on, so when I hear that he is suppossed accept all this forgive me for saying I roll my eyes. I can only begin to imagine what he may be thinking. I can promise you the one thing he asking himself is was he not good enough. This is going screw with this guy for years to come, which is why I don't think this marriage is going to last. Again, I have seen affairs like this before. The rare ones that survived were the ones in which the WS came out running doing everything in their power to save the marriage. Sure they were working through their feelings, but after d day they weren't breaking NC.

Edited March 8, 2015 by jbrent890

[Ronnie33]

OP you are taking the first step and trying to do the right thing. Don't let anyone on here tell you how to feel. Keep doing what you are doing and in a few months if you and your husband don't feel like reconciliation is working then you know you tried. They say the first step is the hardest but without it you would never go anywhere. Good luck.

[irishguy]

I think OP you need to be honest with your husband about everything including just starting no contact ,in your head you think the last few messages and calls were ending it but your husband wont see it that way , he will see it as more betrayal.You need to do what you can to win your husband back , with him detaching to protect himself , he could just realise he deserves better especially if he is getting advice from friends or family ,most peoples advice is to dump a cheater .

[Southern Sun]

Listen I'm not trying to start crap with anyone. I'm going to answer in peaceful manner. First, I'm only going by what she has stated and she said her marriage was good. Most women look for reasons in their marriage to cheat, so it is very rare to see a woman say that everything was in fact good.

 

In 8 to 10 months, 75% of the 85% of men that choose to R leave. I don't expect her to magically get rid of her feelings but I do think she needs express a little more urgency in fixing her marriage. Chances are she doesn't have a spouse that willing to wait around while she sorts through her feelings and she has wasted two months breaking NC.

 

Lastly, your making breaking NC sound like small issue. Im sorry but that is a big no no. I'm assuming on d day she promised her husband that she would end things and go NC. She broke that promise. Yes, I do think she needs to be honest about that. IMO that is going to help her in the long run.

 

I wanted to address these comments.

 

Regarding my husband - I am choosing not to place blame on him for my affair. I believe that it was 100% my choice to do it, regardless of the state of the marriage. Thus you will not see lists from me on all the things he could have done better. There certainly were plenty, as well as from my side. However a lot of what I've read (and even saw in my own AP) is that those having an affair have a tendency to re-write history and can come to believe that things have always been bad, or things were bad for a long time. That's not to say that doesn't happen. But I am just trying to be very careful here so that I don't start buying into any rationalizations.

 

The first stat I see there is that 85% of men who choose to reconcile eventually leave. And then the second stat is that 75% of those men do it at the 8-10 month mark. The most concerning number, and the one I've never seen before, is that 85% of men who intend to recondile ultimately don't. Can you cite your source? Obviously, if this is true, it's a pretty frightening statistic.

 

Yes, I maintained very low contact with AP after D Day, which was continued deception on some level. I will know it in my heart if I need to confess it to BH.

Edited March 8, 2015 by Southern Sun

[Southern Sun]

But Hope that is the point I'm trying to get at. Being cheated on sucks. It's by far one of (if not the) worst feelings an indivual can endure. You feel absolutely worthless, especially if you feel that didn't deserve to be cheated on. Add watching your spouse detox from someone else is absolutely gut wrenching and I see why most people call it quits in those situations. It is not fair. I think one thing that you are ignoring is that she let it get to the point that she has to detox from the affair. She brought this on herself. And worse, her husband who did nothing wrong is supposed to accept this. I hope (no pun intended haha) you see the point I'm trying to make that that isn't fair to him. This guy did not ask to be cheated on, so when I hear that he is suppossed accept all this forgive me for saying I roll my eyes. I can only begin to imagine what he may be thinking. I can promise you the one thing he asking himself is was he not good enough. This is going screw with this guy for years to come, which is why I don't think this marriage is going to last. Again, I have seen affairs like this before. The rare ones that survived were the ones in which the WS came out running doing everything in their power to save the marriage. Sure they were working through their feelings, but after d day they weren't breaking NC.

 

I don't think anyone 'deserves' to be cheated on.

 

My spouse has not witnessed my need to 'detox' from the affair and I've never expected him to just accept it. I've kept it to myself, which is also a reason I kept my 'goodbye' to myself. Anything I did along the way was in an effort to get to this place.

 

My H has expressed his confusion, wondering if he is inadequate in some way. I've reassured him that wasn't the case, and I believe he is in agreement as he has worked through this with his IC.

 

I didn't share with you everything I've been doing since D Day to make this right. I have been working very hard and have done everything he has needed to feel safe and then some.

 

I can't change things. I can't go back in time. I have been making the best choices I could make at each turn. And if my husband still chooses to leave, I will have to accept it as a consequence of my actions that are now in the past and written in stone. Our future, however, is to be determined. Thankfully.

[jwi71]

I wanted to address these comments.

 

Regarding my husband - I am choosing not to place blame on him for my affair. I believe that it was 100% my choice to do it, regardless of the state of the marriage. Thus you will not see lists from me on all the things he could have done better. There certainly were plenty, as well as from my side. However a lot of what I've read (and even saw in my own AP) is that those having an affair have a tendency to re-write history and can come to believe that things have always been bad, or things were bad for a long time. That's not to say that doesn't happen. But I am just trying to be very careful here so that I don't start buying into any rationalizations.

 

This is a good realization.

Question for you, when you feel ready, is what rationalizations did you buy into DURING your A? The lead up to "crossing the line". No need to reply here or even contemplate now - but something you will,to me, need to look at.

 

The first stat I see there is that 85% of men who choose to reconcile eventually leave. And then the second stat is that 75% of those men do it at the 8-10 month mark. The most concerning number, and the one I've never seen before, is that 85% of men who intend to recondile ultimately don't. Can you cite your source? Obviously, if this is true, it's a pretty frightening statistic.

You cant apply a curve to a binary situation. He either leaves or does not. Or maybe you decide to leave him. In any case, the curve itself does not matter. What matters is what you do - or are capable of doing - to achieve your goal.

 

Yes, I maintained very low contact with AP after D Day, which was continued deception on some level. I will know it in my heart if I need to confess it to BH.

Your heart is not to be trusted. If you don't believe me ask your H if HE trusts your heart. Clearly, your H has zero reason to trust you. Heck, there are times you don't even trust yourself. Perpetuating behvaiors which got you here are not likely to help things. Unless, of course, these lies don't get out. See where this is going? See the pattern that I think needs to be broken?

 

Ultimately, the decision is yours. And the xAP's. Lets not forget he too could tell - or tell a different version - which is likely a catastrophic event for you and your family. Do what you think is best - but I would strongly urge halting behaviors which you think protect your H but in reality further damage the fragile M. You have to rebuild trust and lies and deceit are walking the wrong direction.

[Southern Sun]

Hoping you all can talk me off the ledge. I have no intention to break NC. I just have all these emotions - depression, anger, sadness, frustration, anxiety. What is it? I don't know even know exactly what I'm upset about, because I know this is all for the best. Maybe it's fear that things won't feel right again at home? I could use some encouragement.

[kenmore]

Southern sun, I will start by apologizing because I have not read any of this post but the last three (I chased popsicle here.)

 

But I got from your last post where you are, and it's exactly where I was two weeks ago. I love my wife (still do) and she won't have me anymore. Our relationship was good as far as I knew. Her gripe was income, which I now have, but she only will concern herself with our past. OK.

 

You're hurting, frustrated, angry etc. Just like me! I still am, but one thing I was finally able to give up was denial. That was huge!!

 

I was able to give it up because she told me (two days before our fifth anniversary) that I need to stop sending her cards etc. To get over it, it's over. I told her I wasn't sure because she sang me happy birthday (Feb 3), invited me to dinner the same day, and when we met Christmas eve she told me she wasn't sure she wanted a divorce. That day before our anniversary (Mar 20), she told me the birthday stuff was "just to be nice" and that "she doesn't remember saying that Christmas eve".

 

Frustrating? Hurtful? You got it! I had been struggling, but really got it that day. It's over, move on! No more denial about us, there is no us; the five years of marriage was a lie, and a joke on me. She knew the whole time.

 

I can't help your pain, but I can sympathize! I can honestly say I feel your pain and wish with all my heart that things were different.

 

Ironically, she tells me that. She complains that she wishes things were different, that her heart is broken, that she's in so much pain, but let's be real! She's the one who is pushing the divorce through! All I have ever wanted is to work it and make it better.

 

She blames me. It's all my fault that things went bad because I could not find good employment (she says I was lazy. I was not!) So she has her reasons why it's all my fault and damned if she could ever be wrong!

 

Sorry if I complain about her too much. People have said so, but this was just to co-suffer with S.S. If you don't like to read my rants, move on as I have to.

 

Ken

[Rainbowlove]

Hoping you all can talk me off the ledge. I have no intention to break NC. I just have all these emotions - depression, anger, sadness, frustration, anxiety. What is it? I don't know even know exactly what I'm upset about, because I know this is all for the best. Maybe it's fear that things won't feel right again at home? I could use some encouragement.

 

It's called untangling yourself from your affair and affair partner. You are a broken person right now. The woman you knew before your affair, she's still here - she's just lost in the overwhelming emotions you are experiencing now.

 

You are scared and rightfully so. You are hurt and rightfully so.

 

When we are the WS and we end our affair to return home, we have to accept that home may never be repairable. For me, the fight to save my marriage and family was worth losing my XAP.

 

Why was it worth it, because I didn't like who I had become in that relationship. I honestly could not recognize or like myself.

 

How about you???

 

You are grieving the former affair partner, what you did to yourself, what you did to your marriage and what you did to your family and life.

 

Your process has just begun. Putting yourself back together is months away...maybe years. No joke.

 

This is very much a minute to minute process in the beginning. You take one day at a time. One step at a time. One thing I told myself is I have time.

 

It absolutely sucks, I'm so sorry you are here. You can walk it, though. You can because I have. I have been as broken, lost and as scared as you...I still am in some ways and some days feel hard, but no where near as hard as the beginning.

 

Trust that you are doing the right thing. Contact will do nothing to help you move on. Call your counselor and get in for an appt.

 

Breathe through it.

[Southern Sun]

Thank you for your kindness. I feel so alone. Responses in bold below...

 

It's called untangling yourself from your affair and affair partner. You are a broken person right now. The woman you knew before your affair, she's still here - she's just lost in the overwhelming emotions you are experiencing now.

 

I am broken. I so hope you are right, about me still being in here somewhere. That is one thing I took note of maybe mid-affair, when things weren't going so great - that I felt like I didn't remember who I used to be. What did I think about? How did I spend my time? What were my motivations? I couldn't recall any of them.

 

You are scared and rightfully so. You are hurt and rightfully so.

 

When we are the WS and we end our affair to return home, we have to accept that home may never be repairable. For me, the fight to save my marriage and family was worth losing my XAP.

 

Why was it worth it, because I didn't like who I had become in that relationship. I honestly could not recognize or like myself.

 

How about you???

 

I know it's worth it. I could never be okay with giving up my family for my AP, even though I nearly did in my insanity. But my greatest fear right now is going through this pain and it NOT bearing any fruit. That we won't be okay, no matter what I do. I need to console myself by knowing that this is the only way. Even if the outcome is not what I hope for, it simply had to be done this way regardless.

 

You are grieving the former affair partner, what you did to yourself, what you did to your marriage and what you did to your family and life.

 

Your process has just begun. Putting yourself back together is months away...maybe years. No joke.

 

Now I'm wondering if I had gone immediately NC, would I be better off today? Probably. I can't change it. But I feel like I am newly grieving and it's very lonely. However, if I had been grieving to this extent from day 1, I don't know if I could have really been there or my H. So again, I don't see how I can do it any differently. And you're right - the grief is far more than just about losing AP. That feels like that outcome was a forgone conclusion long ago. Yes, I know it's a part of my hurt, but looking at the ashes around me and fearing I will never make it better, I will never feel right, my husband will never feel right...THAT is what I am mourning.

 

This is very much a minute to minute process in the beginning. You take one day at a time. One step at a time. One thing I told myself is I have time.

 

It absolutely sucks, I'm so sorry you are here. You can walk it, though. You can because I have. I have been as broken, lost and as scared as you...I still am in some ways and some days feel hard, but no where near as hard as the beginning.

 

Trust that you are doing the right thing. Contact will do nothing to help you move on. Call your counselor and get in for an appt.

 

I am absolutely steadfast on NC. Fortunately I see my IC on Thursday.

 

Breathe through it.

Edited March 9, 2015 by Southern Sun

[Rainbowlove]

The old you is still there - trust me. There's so many layers of this affair pain to work through. With each tear, with each I'm sorry, with "steadfast" no contact - she'll begin to emerge. Part of her has changed forever, but the core of you still there.

 

Do you know why you had the affair? That's something else you need to work through. You don't have answer here - just for yourself to know.

 

As the affair is exposed, our marriage problems are also exposed and not to mention our individual problems...so somehow all of these issues need to be tackled in order to save the marriage and heal. It's a process. A very long process. This process isn't for the faint of heart. Both spouses have got to be fully committed to make it work and that means enduring the pain involved in it and taking each step and day as they come.

 

If your husband is willing to work with you, thank him every damn day for staying by your side.

 

You can't change what was done. And you cannot control the outcome. All you can do is continue to work on you, work towards healing and forgiveness. You cannot control what your husband decides to do. I know that's scary, but he couldn't prevent you from having an affair and you can't prevent his decisions either.

 

I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. Lots of positive energy to you and your family.

[DKT3]

Rainbow is a wonderful poster and I agree with 99% of what she has said. I differ in that I do believe you have some control on the outcome. Its about changing the way you think. Even the way you write here. What I mean is stop saying your doing the "right thing" and start saying "I'm doing this because I love my husband". Stop counting the hours and days in terms of how many you've had NC with MM and instead how many days you've been recommitted to your marriage and husband. Stop looking for the end game and start thinking what you can do to make it better TODAY.

 

Don't focus on the finish line, put your effort into your next step, then your journey seems more possible.

[Southern Sun]

Rainbow is a wonderful poster and I agree with 99% of what she has said. I differ in that I do believe you have some control on the outcome. Its about changing the way you think. Even the way you write here. What I mean is stop saying your doing the "right thing" and start saying "I'm doing this because I love my husband". Stop counting the hours and days in terms of how many you've had NC with MM and instead how many days you've been recommitted to your marriage and husband. Stop looking for the end game and start thinking what you can do to make it better TODAY.

 

Don't focus on the finish line, put your effort into your next step, then your journey seems more possible.

 

First, my reference to doing 'the right thing' was in reference to ending the A. I do view my turning back to the marriage as being for love, NOT duty.

 

And DKT3, I love this. Today is Day 4 of my Total Recommitment. Thank you for this new mindset.

[Bittersweetie]

The old you is still there - trust me. There's so many layers of this affair pain to work through. With each tear, with each I'm sorry, with "steadfast" no contact - she'll begin to emerge. Part of her has changed forever, but the core of you still there.

 

Do you know why you had the affair? That's something else you need to work through. You don't have answer here - just for yourself to know.

 

As the affair is exposed, our marriage problems are also exposed and not to mention our individual problems...so somehow all of these issues need to be tackled in order to save the marriage and heal. It's a process. A very long process. This process isn't for the faint of heart. Both spouses have got to be fully committed to make it work and that means enduring the pain involved in it and taking each step and day as they come.

 

If your husband is willing to work with you, thank him every damn day for staying by your side.

 

You can't change what was done. And you cannot control the outcome. All you can do is continue to work on you, work towards healing and forgiveness. You cannot control what your husband decides to do. I know that's scary, but he couldn't prevent you from having an affair and you can't prevent his decisions either.

 

I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. Lots of positive energy to you and your family.

 

Rainbow, what an excellent post, especially the bolded.

[Popsicle]

Southern sun, I will start by apologizing because I have not read any of this post but the last three (I chased popsicle here.)

 

I'm innocent, I tell you!

 

And, I'm sorry for your pain.

[HurtOfGlass]

Sorry this may be late but I was wondering how you can say you were happily married but still engaged in an affair?

 

And from what I read from your thread, your husband didn't give any consequences to you for your affair and easily backed down into reconciliation where he would always be the second best .

 

(Damn me if I ever become a doormat like that!)

 

So I can understand from where you lost that respect for your husband because he does not respect himself. I myself would not respect a man like your husband.

[purplesorrow]

Sorry this may be late but I was wondering how you can say you were happily married but still engaged in an affair?

 

And from what I read from your thread, your husband didn't give any consequences to you for your affair and easily backed down into reconciliation where he would always be the second best .

 

(Damn me if I ever become a doormat like that!)

 

So I can understand from where you lost that respect for your husband because he does not respect himself. I myself would not respect a man like your husband.

 

Do you know her husband? Why such judgement? It is his life to navigate as he chooses.

[HurtOfGlass]

yes, I don't know her husband. But its easy to discern him from what she has wrote.

He is codependent and probably very low self esteem and thinks he couldn't do better than his current wife.

 

And such men are easily taken advantage of by women. This is not a case of choosing one's own path.

 

OP has herself said that her husband has asked her if he was inadequate.

 

I know no self respecting man would tolerate his wife crying over affair partner post affair and still ask for making the marriage work.

[purplesorrow]

yes, I don't know her husband. But its easy to discern him from what she has wrote.

He is codependent and probably very low self esteem and thinks he couldn't do better than his current wife.

 

And such men are easily taken advantage of by women. This is not a case of choosing one's own path.

 

OP has herself said that her husband has asked her if he was inadequate.

 

I know no self respecting man would tolerate his wife crying over affair partner post affair and still ask for making the marriage work.

 

All you have is a snippet, a very minute one and you can discern him? Don't reduce this man by a very normal initial response to infidelity. People usually project themselves, is this you?